He sits in an uncomfortable plastic chair that he pulled in between Jace and Isabelle's beds in the infirmary, readjusting for the fifth time in as many minutes. When his siblings were awake it was easy to focus on them – Jace and his story of what happened in the City Of Bones, whispering to Isabelle that she has never been in his shadow. He could focus on bandages and extra blankets and iratzes…instead of what he'd done. But now that everyone except him is asleep, there is nothing for him to think about except the blood under his fingernails and the vivid image of punching through Jocelyn's chest that he is pretty sure he is going to see every time he closes his eyes for the rest of his life.
He thinks about waking Jace to talk for about half a second before the absolute absurdity of waking Jace so he can make Alec feel better about murdering his mother settles over him and he chokes on a coughed breath.
In the hallway behind him, someone is walking with Aldertree, giving him a briefing, Alec realizes. When he hears the word possession, Alec tunes it out until he hears "Oh, and whatever you did to that vamp worked – Cammile turned up in Indris today, via a portal, so it had to be that warlock." It had to be Magnus, Alec knows, she would never get close enough to another warlock to be tricked or trapped. Alec closes his eyes; he needs to check in on Magnus but he can't even process the new information with all the other things in his head. He feels selfish on top of everything else.
Alec sits until no matter how much readjusting he does, his left leg is still numb. He stands, kisses Isabelle's forehead softly and squeezes Jace's wrist before he starts to walk. He doesn't have a destination, just wants to loosen his sore muscles. Without intent or better judgement, his feet bring him to the training room. He stops just before the entrance, his hands closing into fists – his fingernails cutting into his palms. Clary is still inside, she's sitting silently on the floor next to Simon, she's not crying but her face is red and swollen so he knows that she has been, her eyes stare blankly in front of her. He should go in and apologize to her – let her yell at him or hit him, until she feels even a tiny bit better, until her fists hurt more than her heart. What he does instead is slowly back away from the door, almost tripping over his own feet when he turns, his haste to get away so strong that when the word coward rings in the back of his mind, he doesn't disagree.
He opens his hands, looks down to see his fresh blood covering Joclyn's dried blood and barley makes it to a trash can to throw up – all stomach acid because no one had time to eat today. All the sudden, he can't be in the Institute anymore. He doesn't have anywhere to go, but he knows he can't be here. So, he stumbles to the doors and pushes out into the cool evening air.
He stuffs his hands into his pockets and just starts walking, dunking into an ally to activate his invisibility rune when a mundane gives his blood-soaked shirt a weird look. Otherwise, he aimlessly walks, just needing to put some distance between himself and Clary, between himself and the Institute…between himself and what he's done. A part of him hopes that if he walks long enough, gets enough distance, that the things he told Isabelle after getting her to an infirmary bed, will become true for himself as well; it wasn't you Isabelle, you aren't responsible for anything that happened while you were possessed Isabelle, don't apologize for things you didn't do Isabelle. All things that he unquestionably believes when he says them to her. But, when he tries to apply them to himself, even is his own mind, bile burns in the back of his throat.
He looks up and realizes he's staring up at Magnus' building. While he was walking, he was sure he had no destination in mind, but he guesses if he's being honest with himself, the fact that he ended up here makes sense. He finds Magnus' presence comforting and when Isabelle told him how Magus had worried over him when Alec was fighting through the Parabati stone's effects, he'd been grateful for the reminder that he isn't entirely alone in his care for the other man. But, Alec can' just show up like this – they haven't even had that date they've been promising each other, and he can't just keep showing up at Magnus' when he or the other Shadowhunter's need something. He closes his eyes and rocks back on his heels, he needs to leave and he knows it, he is just having trouble making himself do it.
"Alexander?" he hears from behind himself and almost trips when he turns to see Magnus. The fantasy of Magnus' comfort came without any harsh realities – the blood on his hands and shirt, the explanation of what he's done. He swallows, unprepared for this, "Alec?" Magnus tries again, eyeing him warily now that he's closer. He reaches for Alec's hand, concern etched onto his features and Alec stumbles a few steps backwards just before they make contact. Magnus swallows thickly, turning his hand palm facing forward, "Let's go upstairs, yeah?" he asks softly.
"I, uh, I mean…" Alec stammers. If they go up to Magnus' loft, he's going to have to tell Magnus what he's done. He doesn't have Magnus now, they haven't been on a single date, but the thought of losing him still makes something deep in Alec's stomach twist painfully in dread. But, Magnus is going to find out. Alec is sure he'll be asked to strengthen the wards at the Institute and be shown the video for reference. And Magnus deserves to hear it from him rather than be blindsided – to know how much Alec regrets what happened. "Yeah" he says finally.
Magnus raises his hands a little, showing Alec that he doesn't intend to touch him after Alec's reaction earlier. It's sweet and it's thoughtful, and even though al Alec wants is Magnus' embrace, the thought of being touched by anyone right now – especially Magus – with kindness makes him feel sick. Magnus inclines his head, gesturing for Alec to follow, and he does until they are upstairs and in Magnus' loft, Magnus shutting the door softly and turning to look at Alec.
"What's happened, Alexander?"
Alec swallows thickly and shakes his head a little. Once he says it out loud, it's real, and once it's real he's not sure what that makes him. He has to tell Magnus, he knows, he's just not sure how. "I don't, I mean, I didn't…I wasn't…I didn't want to…" It's fits and starts that ends with him huffing, annoyed with himself.
Magnus sighs out Alec's name and Alec closes his eyes tightly. "You're bleeding, Alexander" Magnus says gently and Alec opens his eyes to look at Magnus in confusion, almost knocked over by the concern in his eyes. Until he remembers that his shirt is covered in Clary's mother's blood.
"It's not mine" Alec whispers, shaking his head a little.
Magnus nods, "Let's go sit down?" he gestures to the sofa, still being so careful to give Alec his space.
Alec is overcome with terror that as soon as he tells Magnus what he's done, the concern in his eyes will turn to horror and the gentle way he looks at Alec will shift into disgust. And, he knows he doesn't deserve it, but he just needs one more minute of the warm affection he's come to associate with Magnus, just in case he never has it again. So, he reaches out and takes Magnus's hand and pulls him into an embrace, burying his face in Magnus' neck and winding his arms around the warlock to keep him close. Magnus huffs out a surprised breath as he brings a hand to wind in the hair at the base of Alec's head and rubs the small of Alec's back with his other hand and when he mummers "Oh, Alexander" Alec sobs Magnus' name against his neck and can't help the tears that pour out of him.
Alec isn't sure how long he stands there, clinging to Magnus, crying, and failing to properly catch his breath, but he does know that Magnus stays through every moment of it – alternating between pressing soft, solid, kisses into Alec's hair and whispering against his ear (I've got you darling, it's going to be okay, you're safe here Alexander). It's more gentleness than Alec has experienced since he was quite young and that alone threatens to overwhelm him. When the tears finally stop and Alec takes a step back, he's rubbing furiously at his eyes, annoyed with himself for breaking down, "Sorry, I'm sorry" he mumbles.
"Alexander, you needn't apologize" Magnus says softly, sighing when Alec shakes his head sharply. "Let's got sit down" Magnus says after several seconds have passed. Magnus takes his hand and leads him slowly to sit on the sofa. "You don't have to talk about it" Magnus mummers as Alec sits, Magnus reaches for a mug of steaming tea that materializes just in time for him to pick it up and presses it into Alec's hands. Magnus sits down next to Alec as Alec leans forward, elbows on his knees, the mug in both hands, head leaning over it so the steam billows into his face.
Magnus rests his hand on Alec's back, palm at the top of his spine, rubbing slow circles, "Magnus, I never meant to…" Alec's whisper trails off as he transfers the tea to one hand and uses his thumbnail to dig at dried blood under his ring fingernail with the other hand, "I didn't want…" he trails off again, eyes squeezing shut.
"It's okay, darling" Magnus mummers, "maybe you should get some rest, are you -"
"I killed her" Alec interrupts him, voice low and quiet. Magnus' hand doesn't stutter on Alec's back as he waits for him to elaborate.
"Alexander?" Magnus finally prods when Alec doesn't say anything more, his thumb sweeping over the nape of Alec's neck.
"I murdered Jocelyn Fairchild." He says it with finality, like he somehow believes this will be the end of the conversation. He turns his face away from Magnus and his body tenses under Magnus' hand, "I'll…I should go." Alec starts to stand and Mangus slides his hand to Alec's shoulder to hold him in place and the shock of not being immediately throw out washes over his face.
"Tell me what happened" Magnus mummers, soft but firm.
Alec presses his face into his own shoulder, still facing away from Magnus, and pulls in a long breath, "A daemon snuck into the Institute, hiding into a corpse Izzy brought in for examination…one of Valentine's experiments." He sucks in a wet breath, refusing to let himself cry again, "It possessed Raj, before we even really knew what was going on, and then we were gearing up and the next thing I really remember after that is Clary finding me in the hallway."
"Poor Biscuit" Magnus mumbles as Alec takes a drink of his tea, almost as if just remembering that he was holding it, before setting the mug on the coffee table in front of him quietly.
Alec tenses impossibly further, "I didn't remember anything about what happened, obviously, but we watched the security footage and I killed her," he swallows and Magnus wants to interject, but Alec doesn't give him the time, "I mean, I didn't just kill her, I…I punched through her. It was violent, it was…bloody" he's looking at his own hands now, so Magnus reaches out and covers them with his own.
Alec flinches, not having expected the contact, and tries to pull his hands away, but Magnus holds strong. "You didn't kill anyone, Alexander" Magnus says softly, Alec shaking his head before the words are even out of Magnus' mouth, "What happened is a tragedy, but it is something that happened to you, not because of you."
Alec stands and paces the length of the room twice, "I shouldn't have come here, I didn't mean to, I mean…" he huffs, "I know you had history with Jocelyn, I didn't…and I know something happened with Camille today, I haven't even asked you about that." He lets out a harsh breath, annoyed with himself, "I didn't want to put this on you" he finally says, quiet.
Magnus stands, stilling Alec with a hand on his hip, "You're right where you should be" he says gently and smiles when Alec relaxes fractionally, "I know you can't see it now, but this isn't your fault, Alexander, and I'll keep telling you that until you can."
Alec doesn't say anything – doesn't tell Magnus that it is his fault because he should have been strong enough to fight it off, or that he does not deserve the kindness that Magnus is showing him. But, when Magnus pulls him close and wraps his arms around him, Alec lets him, and maybe for now that is enough.
