Clary is sitting on the floor, her back against the bench she'd sat on for hours – until Simon had pulled her to stand, saying she should lay down and tried to lead her to her room and she'd crumpled to the floor instead. Simon is on the floor next to her, eyes glancing around and probably more than half asleep. Clary is glad – she can't take the scrutiny of his undivided attention anymore. She thinks maybe that's mean and then thinks she is probably allowed right now.
She's long stopped crying, her body empty of tears, her face aching in the way that crying always causes, and she has a headache from the dehydration. Her body hurts, both from the fight with Isabelle and the uncomfortable way she's sitting. She rubs at her dry eyes and pulls in a sniffle, deciding that she needs to make sure Isabelle is okay and feeling guilty that she hasn't already.
She turns so she can put both her hands on the bench behind her and uses it to push herself up. "Clary?" Simon asks, voice hoarse, blinking up at her, confused.
She puts her hand out when he starts to stand, "No, stay, I'm just gonna," she gestures around, "I'll be back" she's unsteady on her feet for a moment as her legs wake back up.
"…If, you're sure?" Simon eyes her warily, obvious concern shining though. His desire to watch over her conflicting with his desire to respect what she needs.
Clary nods, "Thanks, Simon" before walking out of the room. She loves him, and she's lucky to have him, but she needs a few minutes to herself, a few minutes of her reactions not be carefully catalogued and rated for need for concern.
In the hallway she leans against the wall for a moment, she feels so many things that she feels nothing, she wonders idly if that is normal or if it's something she should add to the list of things that are messed up about her life right now. She pulls in a long breath, drops her head back against the wall with a dull thud and then pushes herself forward.
She goes to the infirmary, walking slowly. When she gets there, she sees Isabelle and Jace on side-by-side beds, both sleeping soundly. She sees the chair between the beds and glances around, looking for Alec who had to be the one to occupy that chair and when she doesn't see him, wonders idly where he is. She goes to Isabelle and adjusts her blanket slightly, "I'm sorry" she mummers quietly, not wanting to wake anyone. She glances at Jace and wraps her arms around her stomach, breathing out a sigh. She sniffles and turns to leave the infirmary.
It's not far to the Ops-Center, and while she knows it probably isn't healthy, she's struck with the overwhelming need to watch the video again. Most everyone is either asleep or on patrol, so it's easy to find an empty console and pull up the video. Alec's face fills the screen first and she watches as he goes into the room and fights with her mother before punching into her chest, then looks directly up at the camera to be sure it sees him, taunting all of them with the image. She rewinds it and watches again – over and over – until it doesn't make her flinch, until she can almost disassociate the images in front of her from the reality of her mother and her not-quite-friend.
She walks aimlessly down the hall, there aren't many people in the corridors at this hour, but everyone she does pass gives her the same wide-eyed, pitying look – she hates it – so she dunks into the kitchen, just because it is close, and pulls a bottle of water from the fridge. She drinks the whole thing at once, her dehydrated body grateful for the replenishment – ad refills the bottle from the tap.
She needs to talk to Alec, she realizes, they never really talked after seeing the video, she hadn't been ready and there had been things to deal with, and since he wasn't in the infirmary, she goes towards his room. The door is cracked, not enough that she can see inside, but enough that when she knocks on it, it creeks the rest of the way open and she can see that he's not inside. She steps inside and immediately feels awkward about being in his room, even though as she glances around, she sees that outside of a picture of him, Jace, Isabelle, and Max taken a few years ago, there is no personalization in the room.
Deciding to wait for him, she sits on the floor in front of his bed and stretches her legs out in front of her body, turning the water bottle over in her hands. She doesn't sleep, but after a few minutes, she does zone out, her eyes going unfocused and hazy.
Magnus had offered for Alec to stay at the loft, but as much as the idea sounded amazing, Alec declined, knowing he wanted to be at the Institute when Isabelle woke up. It's quiet when he comes in, but every person he does pass gives him horrified looks that have him rushing through the halls. He just wants to get to his room to shower and change clothes before going to the infirmary. The absolute last thing he expects to find when he shoulders his door open is Clary Fairchild sitting on his floor.
He stutters to a stop in his doorway with no idea how to proceed. She glances up at him, eyes glassy and face red, but not crying. "Clary, I am so sorry" he blurts inelegantly util she holds up her hand to interrupt him and he snaps his mouth closed, teeth audibly clicking. He can't tell what she wants and that makes him uneasy; he'll let her do whatever she wants – yell at him until her voice gives out, beat him bloody, whatever – he just wants to know what is coming.
"Sit?" she asks, voice quiet and without the malice he expects. He swallows hard before taking a few steps forward and lowers himself to the floor, back against the bed, a couple of feet between him and Clary. He pulls the sleeves of his shirt over his fingers so she won't see her mother's blood on his hands. He stares straight ahead util she says, hardly above a whisper, "sorry to, like, ambush you" and his head snaps to look at her.
"Don't apologize to me, Clary" he says on a deep exhale, voice breaking.
She sniffles, shakes her head, "It wasn't your fault, Alec, I mean, it wasn't you."
Alec tilts his head back to rest against the bed so he is looking up at the ceiling and pulls in a long breath. He doesn't believe her, necessarily, but hearing the words from her somehow gives him a profound sense of relief and guilt at the same time. "I should have been able to fight it, or…I don't know, but I've been training to be a Shadowhunter my whole life…I should have been able to stop before I…" he trails off, because the thought of saying it out loud to her, of having to watch her reaction when she hears it – he doesn't think he's capable.
She nods a little, "I can't argue with you, Alec, I just…I don't have the energy." He wants to apologize again, but he doesn't know what to stay so he lets the silence stretch instead. "I just wanted you to know that I don't blame you, Alec, and I hope you don't blame yourself." She pulls in a deep breath and stands slowly.
"Clary" he says just as she is reaching for the door, she turns to face him again. "Thank you" he says quietly. She nods a little before she leaves and his head falls heavily against the bed behind him. He squeezes his eyes closed and feels tears seep through the corners. He can't fathom a world where what happened isn't his fault and that combined with his less-than-welcoming history with Clary makes him feel awful. But, hearing from Magnus ad Clary that they see it differently makes him hopeful that he will eventually, too.
When Alec enters the infirmary, showered and in fresh clothes – clean of blood for the first time since everything happened, he feels marginally better. He stops when he sees Clary and Simon sitting on the far side of Isabelle's bed, a couple of chairs pulled close together, Clary's head on Simon's shoulder while Simon reads from a book Alec's doesn't recognize.
Clary glances up and smiles at him, just the slightest pull of one side of her mouth, and he nods back before returning to the chair between Isabelle and Jace that he'd occupied earlier. Simon clears his throat and reads loud enough for Alec to hear and he wonders if that is intentional as he lets the words bleed together as background noise, leaning back in the chair and waiting for his siblings to wake up.
Thank you to anyone who has read/liked/commented on this fic and to anyone who might do so in the future. It is greatly appreciated.
