It was nighttime already, all of them having long since gotten back from the lake. They were all just relaxing in their hotel rooms, mostly watching TV. Except for Carey. He was feeling restless, and nothing could get rid of that particular feeling. He felt trapped, not only in their hotel room, but also in his mind. The memories kept haunting him and tonight they were doing a particularly good job.
He needed to get out, get away from the confines of his room, and with that, he did. He grabbed his jacket and his guitar, and headed out towards the lake. It wasn't very far from the hotel and it was just what Carey needed to get his mind off everything. He walked for about 15 minutes before he found the lake. When he did, all he could do was stand there in awe. It was even more beautiful at night. The sky was dotted with millions of stars. The full moon shone brightly and reflected on the surface of the lake, giving the world a silvery glow.
He sat down after a few minutes, and took out his guitar, strumming it lightly. He played just to forget the day's events, using music not only as an escape but also as a weapon against the haunting memories that were trying to bring him down. He disconnected from the real world and just poured his entire soul into the music. His idle strumming soon became a song, soft and somewhat haunting.
"That's beautiful Carey," a familiar voice said softly. "Is it new?" Her voice startled Carey out of his own world and into reality, making him stop playing.
"I didn't know anyone was listening," Carey stated, "But thanks Fi." He set down the guitar and patted the spot next to him, motioning for her to sit down. She sat down and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. She rested her head on his chest and they sat in silence for a while, neither wanting to disturb the moment, because things just felt… right.
"Carey?" Fi asked, but got no answer. "Carey?"
"Hmm," he answered.
"Is something wrong? You seem distant," she looked up into his eyes, and Carey saw the amount of concern she felt.
"Well… it's what were talking about this afternoon. You know… the accident," he answered somewhat hesitantly, turning his gaze away from her, his head dropping in shame. "The memories still haunt me. I still feel guilty for what happened to you. You almost died, and it was mostly my fault."
"Carey… don't think those things. Everything worked out, and I'm fine now," Fi cupped his chin in her hand, making him lift his gaze. "None of what happened was your fault. You didn't cause it and you couldn't have stopped it."
"I guess… but I still feel guilty," he said, once again dropping his gaze from hers. "So many things happened since the accident, so much of our lives changed… not all of it for the better."
She turned herself to face him and gently grasped his forearms. "Carey, things change, no matter what causes those changes. And maybe it was supposed to happen. So try not to feel any more guilt over this." She ran her fingertips over his forearms, stopping at the inside of his wrists. There she traced her fingers over the cross formed by the two scars on each of his wrists. They were now so thin that they could only be detected by the touch of a lover's hands, by somebody who knew they were there. Those scars had been a result of the accident, and they had had as much impact on all their lives as the actual accident had. Both Carey and Fi thought back to that time, to what had caused the scars, the memories enveloping reality once more.
~~~[Flashback begins]~~~
A week. It had been a week since the accident, since Fi slipped into a coma. She should've woken up by now. The doctors had said she'd wake up anywhere from a few hours to a couple of days after the accident. But it had been a week and still nothing. *So doctors aren't always right* Carey thought as he sat by Fi's bed *But why did they have to choose now to be wrong?*
He took her hand and stroked it softly *It's all my fault. I never should have blown up at her like that*. He just sat there by her side, hoping against hope that she'd miraculously wake up. She had to wake up. The doctors had said that if she didn't wake up within a week, there was a strong chance she'd never wake up at all. Or if she did, she wouldn't be the same. Which is why she had to wake up today. *She has to wake up. I can't live without her.* Carey started crying softly, holding Fi's hand even tighter in his own.
He stayed until a nurse shooed him out because visiting hours were over. He wanted to stay longer. Maybe she'd wake up if he were still there. But he knew that was a naïve thought, that it would never happened. He slowly walked towards the hotel they were staying at, thinking he didn't really want to be there. He didn't want to be around people who blamed him for what happened to Fi. Well, not everybody blamed him, but Jack and Clu did, they refused to even talk to him. *My own brother thinks I did all of this on purpose, that I did it to cause him further pain.* Carey had enough guilt without having more thrown on him.
So he wandered over to the bus instead, where he could at least be alone with his thoughts. He went straight to his room, stopping by Fi's empty room for a moment. He then entered his room searching for his guitar. He found it and just strummed it aimlessly for a while.
Then he felt something…. It was hard to explain exactly what it was… maybe a premonition, maybe just his own imagination… but he suddenly felt empty, as if a part of him had been removed, leaving a hole. But he didn't know what it was… until a stroke of realization hit him like a brick wall. It was Fi. She'd died. He'd always been able to feel her as a part of him, maybe he was a bit empathic, but now… he didn't feel her anymore. She was gone.
I confess, it's all true
I'm a mess, what a fool
Now what do I do
"Oh no. Fi's… Fi's…dead. I can't believe it. It's my fault. If only I hadn't started that argument in the car, if I'd just played along, everything would've been ok. But I did, and now I've destroyed the thing that meant most to me… the person whom I loved the most. I killed her. I killed my Fi. And there's nothing I can do to change that." He whispered softly to himself before breaking down. He curled up into a ball as he cried, his sobs pounding so hard against his ribs, hurting his already injured chest. His heart felt as if it had been torn out of his body, cut into tiny pieces, and then stomped on by a mob of people.
I need your help to get up from my knees
I can't seem to see the forest for the trees
As I wait in my silent misery
All I'm asking is please….
Forgive me
"I can't believe I did this. I finally succeeded in destroying everything and everybody that mattered to me. I can't go through life like this… without her. I can't live with the guilt. I can't live with losing not only my best friend, but my baby brother and Jack too. They'll never forgive me… any of them. Same as I will never forgive myself." Carey slowly uncurled and stretched out, suddenly on a frenzied search for something.
Now she knows me
Now she knows me
But she wants me to be… someone I can't be
"Now they all know what I really am. Just an ungrateful loser who is so wrapped on in his own problems, he totally ignores his girlfriend and then succeeds in driving her to her death. I tried to play along with her needs; I tried to be what she needed in a friend and in a boyfriend. But I just didn't cut it. I needed time to be alone sometimes, just to forget everything else even existed, including Fi. She tried to understand that, but in the end, I guess it was too hard on her. Fi deserved somebody who would always have time for her, and sometimes I couldn't give her that. That was what brought about that fight in the car. If only I'd admitted that I was sick, maybe things would be ok." He kept talking to himself as he searched, not really aware he was doing it.
And she wants me… she needs me
She wants me
Cause she loves me
"She did love me anyway, but I don't think I'm what she wanted. She broke up with Clu because of me, because she did love me, but love fades sometimes, right? Any love she had for me is probably gone now, after that fight and the accident. She got out of the car because of me, and then I couldn't get her out of danger in time. I let the car hit her and now she's dead. And she took my heart with her." After rooting around all of his stuff and Clu's, Carey found what he was looking for: his pocket-knife. It was old, but it would work just fine for what he needed to do.
I need your help to get up from my knees
I can't seem to see the forest for the trees
As I wait in my silent misery
All I'm asking is please….
Forgive me
"I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but it's the only way out isn't it? Maybe I shouldn't do this, but there's nothing else I can do. I've screwed everything up, including myself." He dropped the knife on the bed, now unsure about what he planned to do with it.
SHATTERED
Now you see inside, cause I no longer hide
Or fall between the cracks you left behind
"There's nothing left for me here. My brother has hardly talked to me in about 2 months, and when he does, he sounds bitter. He's still mad at me for going out with Fi, for stealing her from him. But I didn't steal her from him, I wouldn't do that. I love him too much to ever hurt him so eminently. "
Shattered
Now you're out of time
You've come this far to be denied
"Jack, he's never liked my relationship with Fi, and now he thinks her accident is my fault, that I caused it on purpose. And Molly and my parents, they'll eventually have to find someone to blame won't they? After they realize Fi's gone, they'll blame me. And it's true, they can. Because it's my fault."
I need your help to get up from my knees
I can't seem to see the forest for the trees
As I wait here in my silent misery
All I'm asking is please….
Forgive me
He picked up the knife again, holding it lightly in his hands, just looking at it. "If I do this, will any of them even care? Maybe they'll be glad to get rid of me. I haven't done anything good in weeks, why would they care if I lived or died? I took another human life, though indirectly. And now it's only logical that I go with her, right?"
What a shame, I'm to blame
What a shame… knowing I'm' to blame
"I have to do this. I have to end my own life, maybe then I'll feel better, like things are even. And I'll be with Fi, and be able to apologize to her, tell her I love her. I have to do this…" He opened one of the knife blades, the largest one.
I need your help to get up from my knees
I can't seem to see the forest for the trees
As I wait here in my silent misery
All I'm asking is please….
Forgive me
"Well guys, I hope you can forgive me. Forgive me for everything I've done to hurt you, to make your lives even harder. I'm sorry if I've hurt you in any way, especially now. I didn't mean for any of this to happen, I guess I just made one mistake after another and I couldn't stop the pileup. Clu, I never meant to hurt you, to take Fi away from you. I just loved her so much; I let myself get carried away. And now… now we've all lost her, because of me. And most of all, I'm sorry for what I'm about to do. If any of you even care or if this causes you pain, I'm sorry. Once suicide enters your mind, it never goes away. Especially if you have a reason to do it. But this is the only way I can end my pain and everybody else's. I'm truly sorry." He knew nobody could hear him, that they had no idea he was apologizing. But still, It made him feel better, even if he was only saying those things to himself.
Carey took one last look at the knife before dragging it across his left wrist. Then he sliced another line, making a cross shape on his wrist. Once he was done, a searing pain sprouted from his wrists and spread over his whole arm like wildfire. It was like something was burning his wrist, it just hurt so much. But he did the other wrist too, already too lost in his goal to stop, not even for the pain.
I need your help to get up from my knees
I can't seem to see the forest for the trees
As I wait in my silent misery
All I'm asking is please….
Carey slumped back against the edge of the bed, exhausted and already vaguely dizzy. "Soon it'll all be over… soon I'll be with her."
Clu chose that moment to enter the room. He'd been looking for Carey and guessed he might be on the bus. When he heard music coming from the room he was sure. The song that was playing was like an omen, but he didn't pay attention to it. Even when the song switched from "What a Mess" to "Adam's Song", he still didn't realize it was a sign.
He had to tell Carey that Fi had almost died, but the doctors had brought her back, and she was finally awake. And maybe he felt like apologizing to Carey, there was no reason to be angry with him anymore. But none of those thoughts were in his head anymore. They vanished the moment he saw his brother slumped against the bed, blood running down his hands and onto the floor. But the scariest thing wasn't the blood running down his brother's arms, it was Carey's eyes. They were empty, hollow, not a trace of feeling in them. It was terrifying. Carey was never so…detached, so emotionless….so depressed.
"Carey!" he rushed to Carey's side, checking to see if he was still alive. "Oh God, what did you do?" *This can't be happening, not now. He can't die! I love him too much. I can't lose my older brother!*
"Something I should have done before" Carey mumbled. *At least he's still alive.* Clu thought as he checked the cuts.
"Don't say that! Why'd you do it bro?" Clu kept talking while he found something to bandage Carey's wrists. Then he pulled Carey up.
"Fi… knife… sorry" Carey's voice was barely above a whisper now.
"Shh… don't talk… everything's gonna be ok." He half dragged, half walked Carey to the car (A/N: another car, not the one from the first night), having long since decided it would be quicker to drive to the hospital than wait for an ambulance. He drove as fast as he could, all the while hoping Carey would just hold on a little longer. *I can't believe he'd do this. It's not like him*
A few minutes later, they were at the hospital. Clu left Carey in the car for a second while he ran into the ER, looking for help. He ran up to the nearest nurse and said "You've gotta help me… my brother's outside, he's… hurt… really hurt!". Clu then ran out again, followed by a couple of orderlies with a stretcher that the nurse had called. The orderlies lifted Carey onto the stretcher and hurried him inside. They'd seen the bandages and guessed what had happened.
"What happened?" the doctor who was examining Carey asked Clu.
"He cut his wrists open. He tried to commit suicide." Clu said, the reality of the situation setting in. "Is he gonna be ok?"
"He should be fine. He's lost a lot of blood, but we'll probably be able to stitch the cuts, provided he hasn't done too much damage. Now go and wait outside." The doctor shooed Clu out the examining room. Clu rapidly made some phone calls, telling everyone who wasn't already at the hospital to come quickly.
He then went upstairs to the ICU to see Fi, hoping to find at least Molly there. He found both Molly and Jack there, talking to Fi.
"Hey Clu" Fi greeted him brightly, her voice slightly weak. Then she noticed the distressed look on his face. "What's wrong?"
"Umm… it's Carey. He's downstairs…" He answered briefly.
"Why didn't he come up?" Molly inquired, confused. "Is something wrong?"
"Actually, yeah. Carey… well, he tried to… to… to kill himself." Clu got it out, his gaze fixed on his feet the whole time.
"He what!?" The shock in Fi's voice was distinguishable, as were the stricken looks on all their faces. "Why? Is he ok? What's gonna happen? This can't be happening…" Fi rambled on, too worried to think about what she was saying.
"The doctor said there's a pretty strong chance Carey will make it." Clu answered. "I'm gonna go back downstairs, just in case my parents get here… or something happens." He walked out of the room, followed by a still silent Molly and Jack.
Fi was left alone in her room. "But I wanna see him too!" she said as loudly as she could, but nobody heard. She let the tears that had been welling up in her eyes flow freely down her face. *Why would he do this? WHY?*
[2 hours later, ER Waiting room]
Clu, Jack, Molly, Ned, Irene, and Annie all sat around the waiting room, once again in pairs, for the second time that week. Then the doctor walked toward them. It was the same doctor that had seen to Fi.
"Are you Carey Bell's family?" the doctor asked. Irene and Ned stood up quickly and nodded.
"How is he?" Irene asked worriedly.
"He's fine. We almost lost him for a second, but everything turned out well. We stitched the cuts. He did quite a number on himself, lost a lot of blood. He'll be ok in a little while, though he will have to see a psychiatrist."
"Thank God! Can we go see him?" Irene's voice sounded so much more relieved.
"Yes, he's in room 409" the doctor said as he walked away.
They all trooped up to Carey's room, where they found him half asleep.
"Hey guys" he said weakly, his voice barely above a whisper. They all rushed to him, wrapping him in hugs. Everyone that is, except Clu, who was hanging back, scared to go into the room. He didn't want to see Carey so weak, and he especially wanted to avoid his gaze, fearful that it might be the same emotionless one as before.
"Son, are you ok? We were so worried!" Ned told him.
"Yeah, I'm tired, but ok." Carey answered his father, trying to suppress a yawn.
"We should leave you be son. We're going to see Fi and tell her the news. You just get some rest and we'll be back tomorrow." Ned continued, gathering up the others and starting to leave the room.
"Fi? She's alive? I want to see her", Carey mumbled.
"Yes, alive and awake. But get some rest and you can see her tomorrow." Irene's voice was soft, as if talking to a child. They exited the room, leaving Carey alone to his thoughts. A few minutes later he fell asleep, totally exhausted.
~~~[Flashback Ends]~~~
The memory slowly faded away. Fi still found it terrifying that Carey, her Carey, had even attempted suicide. He wasn't the type of person to escape sorrow by trying to end his life. He was the type of person who loved life and everything it stood for, who always lived to the fullest, and totally enjoyed the rush it brought. Therefore Fi still didn't understand why he's tried to end that life he loved so much. He'd never told her why, always saying it hurt too much to recall, that it was something he'd rather not talk or even think about. She understood that, but nonetheless she wanted an explanation.
"Carey, why'd you do it?" she finally got the courage to ask. She was still rubbing his wrists.
"Um… I'd rather not…" he took one look at her pleading eyes and gave in. "Well, I… I thought you'd died. About an hour before you came out of you coma, I felt you die, and I couldn't live with the guilt, the shame, and the pain of losing the person I cared about the most. Plus I thought everybody would hate me, would despise me, and exile me once you were gone, because they were all acting like it was my fault. I knew I couldn't live without my family, without the people I loved, so I decided not to live at all." He finished, and once again averted his gaze.
"Oh Carey…" she threw her arms around him in a tight embrace, letting her tears flow. He held her tightly until she'd calmed down. She finally knew the motivation behind his actions, and suddenly felt a stab of the guilt he must have been feeling. "I'm so sorry… for being the reason behind what you did."
"It's not your fault at all Fi. Let's just forget all those things. Leave everything that happened as part of the past. Try to forget the pain…" he trailed off as she nodded. Yeah, things had changed, but change was a part of growing up, and something that was always happening and always necessary. Because change is good, even if it hurts as first. There they remained in each other's arms, just gazing at the stars and enjoying each other's company, glad they were even still together after everything that had happened.
