The following day the boy hadn't wanted to wake up despite Takasaka's gentle pestering-he'd got slightly worse overnight and just wanted to sleep-that way he could forget he had a headache and that moving made him dizzy. No, he wasn't hungry. Takasaka had kept up the pestering and eventually managed to get the useful information out of Katsumi that he just wanted to be left alone.
His exact words had been "I want to die in peace." Takasaka privately felt this was more than a little melodramatic although he hadn't said anything-he suspected that if he had done so Katsumi might have thrown a box of tissues at him in an attempt to get him to go away. Plus it's not terribly tactful to contradict someone who probably did feel like death warmed up.
Katsumi had thrown the tissues at the door after Takasaka had closed it and had attempted to yell something after him but hadn't managed to get the words out, something which later relieved him greatly as it meant he hadn't said something that he would have regretted. Wondering to himself just what the hell Takasaka was doing in his flat he'd fallen asleep again and had another strange dream-this time, alarmingly, about being Koji-and woken up wondering just what was wrong with his subconscious at the moment. Freud would probably have said it was something to do with sexual frustration or unconscious wish-fulfilment although it was far more likely to be the fever.
He wasn't sure of much at the moment, but he certainly did not want to be Koji Nanjo. If he had been Koji that would have meant he'd have found that psycho Izumi sexually attractive. Curling up on one side and clasping the pillow-something he often did when he felt lonely or uneasy though it was a poor substitute for an actual person and occasionally only made him feel worse-Katsumi wondered idly just what Koji could possibly see in Izumi. They'd been a couple for almost two years now and he still couldn't figure out what the attraction was, apart from the fact that despite everything Izumi had to say on the matter, they looked fundamentally right together.
He hadn't dared ask Koji what it was-the man was unpredictable enough and being critical about Izumi tended to get him nowhere except the receiving end of Koji's temper.
It was then he realised he wasn't actually in his own flat. He didn't remember much of the preceding night's events and had totally forgotten that Takasaka had decided to look after him. It was kinda out of character for the man. How utterly, totally typical of my life-first time Taka-chan had let him in his flat he wasn't well enough to appreciate it or even really notice until the following morning.
He hugged the pillow and wished it was Takasaka. He certainly couldn't hug him that impulsively without inducing hysteria.
His thoughts drifted in a familiar direction-one they often took when he was upset or unwell God, I miss Madoka. He'd made a mistake with Madoka, he could tell that. He shouldn't have got so close to her-but how could anyone have helped it? She'd been so sweet-she'd been everything to him. There had been times that it had seemed like the doctors had got it radically wrong about her, she'd been so lively. Katsumi smiled sadly to himself. For a while everyone had forgotten she was ill, including Madoka herself. For a couple of years, just after she'd started school, things had almost been normal. It hadn't lasted-there'd been more hospitals, more tests, and no good news at the end of it. She'd be dead by the time she was ten, the doctors had said. She'd lived until thirteen and everyone had been almost glad about it-like it had been some kind of achievement that she'd lived so long!
Madoka hadn't wanted to die, although she'd accepted the fact in a way he'd never done. He'd carried on living with the insane hope that she'd get better even though it had been painfully obvious-at least it had been to everyone but him-that she couldn't have done. She'd probably been far sicker than she'd seemed for far longer than he'd realised.
Then again, nothing about his life ever had lasted more than a few years at a time. If there was one thing Katsumi had never had out of life it was stability. Maybe that was why he was attracted to Takasaka-the guy was so predictable.
Katsumi closed his eyes. For god's sake get a sense of proportion, he chided himself. He'd been thinking about Madoka far too much lately, why? Guilt that he was alive and she wasn't? Whatever, it was stupid, maudlin and had to stop. Instead he wondered what Takasaka was doing, apart from getting horribly stressed, decided it wasn't important, then wondered what time it was. Half eleven. He cursed, threw the pillow at the little clock and missed. Today was really going to drag.
Looking again at the little alarm clock he noted it was set to some godawful hour-if he had even attempted to get up at that time he'd have been totally wiped out for the rest of the day. It wasn't even as if he did anything in the evenings (when he couldn't persuade some girl to go out with him that was, and his feelings for Takasaka had more or less killed that as a way to spend an evening due to the fact that it wasn't right to mess around when you were in a relationship) but watch appalling TV shows and equally bad films, play patience for hours, read trashy novels or occasionally get drunk but still he went to bed late, invariably overslept and normally arrived at work slightly behind most other people. What it was to work in show business. If he'd known his life was going to be this dull he would have stayed in school.
In order to add a bit of excitement to his life, Katsumi had a bath.
***
Takasaka was scaring himself.
He was unable to concentrate on his work, something which had never occurred before. Normally he had no difficulty in sitting and working for hours on end, only realising how much time had passed when Katsumi harassed him over the fact that he hadn't moved all day, eaten anything, or ever left the office before nightfall, which had been happening more and more often of late. Katsumi was fairly tolerant-how else was he still friends with Koji?-but he had a tendency to resent taking second place to a load of paperwork. Who could blame him? Still, for some reason Takasaka just couldn't keep his mind on the job, despite his best efforts to persuade himself that what he really wanted to be doing today was drafting press releases and making anxious phone calls to advertising agencies.
He kept wondering about Katsumi. Was he alright? He'd seemed very ill this morning. Maybe he should call him a doctor… or would that have been a waste of time? Was there anything doctors could do if someone had caught flu? And could he call his doctor again without the man getting incredibly irritable? Takasaka's relationship with his doctor was horribly strained-but not quite as strained as his relationship with his analyst was getting, which normally meant it was time to look for a new one. And it wasn't as if he didn't pay them enough to deal with his problems. Which reminded him-three weeks ago Katsumi had asked if his analyst charged him danger money before having a wholly inappropriate fit of giggles.
Catching himself staring vacantly out of the window was a shock. He'd never done that before, he'd always been too busy, though he had occasionally fallen asleep over his desk-and tended to get woken up by Katsumi poking him in the back of the neck with a pencil. Why he did it Takasaka didn't know-maybe he just liked the reaction it invariably got. The boy often stared vacantly out of windows, though, whilst waiting for Koji to have one of the five or six relationship crises a week that Katsumi was then expected to sort out for him.
Takasaka had often wondered if maybe he resented being Koji's gofer, but somehow had never asked him. It was hard to work out if Katsumi was upset or not – when he had questioned him about his problems he had somehow managed to redirect the conversation before he'd worked out that he was doing it, and by the time he realised that had happened the moment had passed. Takasaka knew the boy was a pretty good actor to be able to pretend everything was alright when it so obviously wasn't, but again he hadn't liked to bring it up with him. He had the irrational feeling that Katsumi would have been offended if he had mentioned that he knew he was lonely.
Maybe he'd find it easier to concentrate if he could stop thinking about Katsumi for five minutes at a stretch… and more importantly if he could stop wondering if what he was doing with him (or rather what he wanted to do) was entirely legal maybe he'd find it easier to calm down.
***
"I'm home." Takasaka said, something he hadn't felt the need to do since he had left home over a decade ago. He didn't say it terribly loudly in case Katsumi was asleep. Truth was, he felt guilty at leaving the office so early and with so much still to do, but what with Katsumi sick he didn't feel he could afford to stay at work as late as usual. He'd make it up later on.
In the bedroom Katsumi woke from a light doze at the sound of the door opening. Confused, he looked at the clock, which read 7:43. He'd thought it was a bit too light outside for there to be someone at the door. I must have dreamt it. No way would Taka-chan be back from work this early. That would just have been bizarre. And who else had the key to Takasaka's flat save Takasaka? The man was so paranoid about security that he probably only had one set of keys which he didn't let anyone else touch. He was bad enough about his car keys.
Katsumi stifled a giggle at the thought of Takasaka actually losing something, really irrevocably losing it forever, the way he'd lost a camera, three train passes and a denim jacket. The man had noticed on the one occasion that he'd "borrowed" some documents without asking (okay, so it was wrong. But he'd desperately needed to know just how much his uncle paid Koji) and had been in a state of panic until he gave them back. It had been the same when he'd taken his car keys. It was certainly not the done thing to take Taka's things, but the reaction was so funny he couldn't help himself. He closed his eyes again and wondered how long it would be before he got back to sleep.
He hadn't heard Takasaka moving around in the living room (having convinced himself that he wasn't in yet) and therefore when the door was opened he sat up abruptly in surprise, letting the sheets fall round his waist. Takasaka gave him a look which he could only describe as "odd" then left the room as suddenly as he had entered. Was it something I said? Katsumi wondered, slightly offended, then realised he'd made a pretty basic mistake. When he'd got out of the bath he'd put a bathrobe on then made his way back to the bedroom, intending to get dressed once he got back into the bedroom. Once there he'd just taken the robe off and gone back to bed. And he'd forgotten all about the need to get dressed again.
Hiding his face in his hands, Katsumi blushed furiously and laughed.
***
