AN. Alright, this one is *angsty*! You've been warned hehe I usually write with having previously planned out my story but the last chapters just wrote themselves, I'm not sure what's happening to me lol I apologize if the writing is not the best because of this, but I think the dialogue works really well...!

You'll notice i've used some of M's words too...it's subtle but I'm sure the fandom will get it ;)

AN2. Thanks everyone for your reviews! Always appreciated :)


After Olivia came back with their coffees, they sat next to each other on her couch and talked about lighter subjects. His kids, his work, her work, nothing traumatizing or nothing about their rebuilding relationship. Just small talk between friends. It helped their brains from going a mile a minute.

After a while, Olivia yawned unceremoniously which made Elliot laugh.

"You want to get more sleep before Noah gets up?"

"I'm good."

"Liv, that yawn just showed me what you had for breakfast yesterday." He teased.

She slapped his arm annoyed.

"I won't sleep anyway." She sighed, looking down in her lap.

Elliot grew concerned.

"How long?"

"About a year and a half."

He did the math and felt the familiar guilt return.

"I'm talking to my therapist about it." She tried to reassure him.

He nodded.

"Does it help?"

She then thought back at what Lindstrom had said to her. See if there is anything there with Stabler or move on. She contemplated how they were sitting, close to another on her couch in the early morning.

"I think so."

And that seemed to satisfy him for the moment. After a silence, she exhaled and closed her eyes.

"Can we just stay like this? And not think?" she asked.

Elliot took advantage at the fact that her eyes were closed to examine her face closely.

"Sure." He said, getting comfortable to relax too.

But the position he was in wasn't the best. So he decided to take their mugs, put them on the table and before Liv could question him, he put an arm around her to pull her to his side, extending his own legs across the couch. They were lying down sideways, his head on the armrest and hers on his chest. Olivia let him move them without a word, which surprised them both. Once they were comfortable, Liv sighed in contentment.

"You really want to put me back to sleep, don't you?" she mumbled lazily.

He laughed softly and following their moto for the night: he didn't think before his next move.

"If I really wanted to put you back to sleep, I'd do this." His free hand went through her hair to play against her scalp.

The moan escaped her mouth before she could process what was happening. This was the most intimate moment of their 25 years relationship. They both unspokenly decided not to let this become awkward and just enjoy the moment.

Elliot moved his fingers gently for a few minutes. Olivia forced herself to be in the moment and not overthink it.

A few minutes of blissful silence passed before Olivia spoke again.

"I don't want to quit, you know."

Elliot knew she was referring to their conversation the previous night.

"I know." He simply said.

Olivia Benson was the polar opposite of a quitter.

"Sometimes it's just too much…and lately, it's been too much, too often." She admitted.

"I know." He repeated, because she doesn't need advice right now, she just needs to be listened to and understood.

"I just thought…maybe I understand now why you left…how it's easier to just walk away than to get up every morning and face everything…"

Elliot didn't reply at that. He wanted to think carefully about his words before answering.

"It was cowardly. Me leaving. And yes it might seem easier, but that stuff you run away from every morning, it follows you, Liv. It follows you fucking everywhere." His voice sounded tortured. "You can't escape it…the only thing to do is to face it."

They let his words hang in the hair. He didn't need to say all of the words for them to understand that he wasn't talking just about the job.

"I've always admired that in you." He sent the conversation sideways.

"What?"

"The way you attack things. The fearlessness you face them with. You were always my inspiration for that." And for so much more, he wanted to add but didn't.

Olivia blushed at the compliment.

"I wasn't always so fierce…" and now it's her voice that emitted pain.

"Yeah you were…from your childhood, to getting in the Academy…leading investigations in a male dominant environment…handling the most difficult partner ever for twelve years…" he felt her laughed at that. "To getting your own squad, leading SVU, climbing up the ranks, being the fearless Captain Benson…having a child and raising him with an impossible schedule…that's all you. I'm so fucking proud of you, Liv." He finished by hugging her a bit tighter, his face in her hair.

She let her tears fall at his words, and also at the fact that he didn't know about the hardest things she ever faced. Olivia had dreaded that conversation for months now, because she had always imagined Elliot's vision of her would change after he'd learn about the Lewis saga. But hearing these words from him, it put at ease any doubts and fears she had about it. When she was going to tell him, because she would eventually, he, above all the anger and guilt, would be proud of her to have survived it. He wouldn't see her as less, he would see her as even more. Now she knew.

The tears flowed even more then.

"I missed you so much, El…" she let herself say, her voice cracking.

Elliot hugged her closer and let he cry on his chest. He would mumble some "I'm sorry", "It's okay" and "I'm here, Liv", but mostly just held her until she let all of her tears out.

Once the emotions subsided a little, Olivia released his shirt and put her arm around his torso to hug him back. Exhaustion creeping up on her once again.

They hugged for the longest time after that and stayed embraced while going in and out of sleep for the next hour.