I do not own Trigun, I do not own Meryl, and I do not own Vash. Yasuhiro Nightow and Young King Ours own the copyright to Trigun and all the various characters therein.

This fic was inspired by one quick scene in the Live Through episode. This is my fic so please don't steal it or archive it or anything like that without my permission. Comments and criticisms are welcome.


Through the Door

~Meryl~


Relief passes through me the moment I lean my back against the door. Relief that I was able to avoid talking to him about what happened. Instantly upon that realization, an angry wave of shame and self-loathing washes over me. The muffled sounds of his tortured sobs only serve amplify the effect.

I bite my lower lip painfully. The sound makes my very soul hurt.

I have never hated myself more than I do right now.

For the last week, I've played out this scene in my mind. All I could think about how I should handle the delicate subject of Legato's death. In my mind's eye, I saw myself reassuring him, comforting him, supporting him... and yet when the moments came and I saw the look in his eyes... heard the sound of his voice...

I panicked.

Me! Meryl Stryfe of the Bernardelli Insurance Society, panicking. A specialist in high-risk claims and high-priced disasters is running from the one person who needs me the most.

Amazing.

I feel my knees weaken as my heart breaks. How can I be so cruel? What kind of coward am I?

I hate this.

This isn't me. I don't run. The very reason I have this assignment is because I don't run.

Mr. Bernardelli first approached me about this assignment. Looking back on it now, I can see why. He knew I wouldn't turn him down. He also knew that Milly would follow my lead. He flattered the two of us by telling us that we were "the only pair with the right qualifications and gumption necessary to get the job done."

I remember being so flattered I blushed. When I finally agreed to do the job, he later joked that we were the only ones who didn't panic at the mere suggestion of meeting the infamous Humanoid Typhoon. In fact, he told us we were the only ones even remotely willing to do the assignment.

I was so naive that I took that as yet another compliment. I think I even laughed at his comments.

I admit, I was very excited about the idea of meeting the legendary outlaw. I spent hours studying his federal crime reports. I logged long hours in the office reading all of the eyewitness reports and insurance claims we had on file about him. By the time I felt ready to meet the subject, I fabricated a detailed mental image and personality of a man I had never met. A mental image that later turned out to be a complete farce.

Vash is nothing like the world perceives him to be.

When our co-workers at the home office found out that our assignment was to find Vash the Stampede and to keep him under twenty-four-hour surveillance, all of them, in one way or another offered up some sort of condolence to us. I didn't think much of it at the time. I just thought they were trying to be sympathetic to the fact that we would be gone for a long time. The day before we were scheduled to leave one of my co-workers asked me if we had all of our "affairs in order."

It was then that it really truly hit me. Milly and I were going to be walking into the lion's den. No one expected us to return to the home office. No one expected us to survive Vash the Stampede. We were fated to be one of his countless victims never to be seen or heard from again.

No one expected us to ever return to the home office; no one expected us to survive Vash the Stampede. We were fated to be one of his countless victims never to be seen or heard from again.

Before I left work that day, I took Milly aside and told her that if she had any reservations about going it still wasn't too late to back out. I know she saw my worry, but she didn't let on. Instead, she looked at me with that determined expression and told me without any hesitation at all, "If you are going, I am going Senpai!"

The forcefulness of her reply startled me and I left work in a daze, uncertain about what to do or how to feel. All I could think about was how everyone at work seemed to regard our assignment as a death sentence. The notion of making contact with Vash the Stampede didn't frighten me, it was the behavior of my co-workers... my friends, which scared me. It was like attending your own funeral.

I certainly didn't sleep very well that night. I've never quit anything before in my life and I've always taken pride in that.

"A job is a job," my father always told me. "Your word is your bond."

Well, I had giving my word. I agreed to do the assignment and now I was bound to it. Except this time was different. This that my partner and I would be in a position where everyone expected us to die.

What would my father say to that?

That very question is laughable. I know what my father would say.

"Your word is your bond."

I struggled with that all night. I realized sometime just before dawn that it would be a far worse thing for us to quit before we even had a chance to try.

Five frustrating months later, we made contact with the broom-headed-donut-eating spaz. We befriended him and have been persistently following him ever since.

Except now. Now I am hiding from him.

Some friend I am.

Admittedly, I have never been very good with emotion. It wasn't until the fifth moon incident that I really accepted the fact that I was falling in love with him. Even then I struggled with that realization.

I've never been in love like this before. The strength of the emotion is frightening and wonderful at the same time. I constantly feel a mishmash of sentiment toward Vash that ranges from intense love and joy to absolute frustration and hopelessness. I think I could easily die of worry when it comes to Vash.

I really thought I would die of worry after what happened in the city of August.

The two years I spent not knowing if he were alive or dead was agonizing. Regardless of that agony, I just could not bring myself to leave everything to find him. I certainly thought about it on a daily basis, fantasized about it, effectively torturing myself... but the very idea of finding him was what kept me from looking for him.

What if I found him and he did not want to be found?

What if he rejected me and I lost what little of a personal relationship I had with him?

What if he really hated me and saw me as a nuisance?

Worse yet, what if he really was dead?

In the end, it was just easier not knowing. I simply wasn't ready to deal with the worse case scenario.

I was a coward.

Not going after him was yet another life decision that I will always regret. To this day my inaction shames me. The day we were sent back to find him was probably the happiest day of my life.

I squeeze my eyes tightly shut as I try in vain to stop the tears. My shame is choking me, threatening to drown my in regret as I reminisce. I am a weak hearted fool when it comes to Vash and my feelings; I know I am. He is sobbing not two yarz from where I stand with only a door between us and yet I continue to stand here, immobile.

I suck in a deep breath and try to calm myself. One too many regrets, one too many lost moments. I can't do this anymore. I cannot run from him and my feelings.

I can't do that to him.

It's my fault he was in that position with Legato to begin with. I should have known better. I shouldn't have followed him. I should have trusted him.

I am ultimately the source of his pain. I am the one making him cry.

Wiping the tears from my cheeks and pushing my hair from my face, I straighten myself and turn around to face the door between us. I cannot continue to hurt him by acting like this. I can't leave him alone.

I stare at the door determinedly and a flutter moves through me as I realize what I am about to do. He might reject me, but I have to at least try to reach out to him. I owe him. I love him. I cannot turn my back on him. I won't. I will regret it for the rest of my life if I do.

I agreed to follow him wherever he goes on this barren planet as part of a job, but now I am following him simply because I love him. I let him go once, I won't do it again. I will follow him into the dark place he is right now and I will find a way to lead him out, somehow. I have to try. It is the least I can do. It is all I want to do.

Without another thought I push open the door between us.