Once again, I do not own Trigun, I do not own Meryl, and I do not own Vash. Yasuhiro Nightow and Young King Ours own the copyright to Trigun and all the various characters therein.

This fic was inspired by one quick scene in the Live Through episode. This is part two, which focuses on Vash. Anyway, this is my fic so please don't steal it or archive it or anything like that without my permission. Comments and criticisms are welcome.


Through the Door

~Vash~


She smiles at me nervously and quickly looks away, busing herself with making me something to eat. Pushing an errant lock of dark hair off her brow, she tells me what has happened in the last ten days while I was unconscious. Part of me is thankful for her care while another part of me protests her concern.

I do not deserve it.

A steaming bowl of soup is set down in front of me and she tells me to eat it all. I feel like a child with the way in which she hovers over me. I study her face for a moment, allowing my eyes to wander and search for something I cannot identify. She makes eye contact with me and offers a weak smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes.

I can't help but to wonder what she's thinking.

She seems to be anxious about something, uncertain. I try my best to comply with her wishes. It's difficult to maintain an outward calm while a storm of grief rages within my heart. I know she notices, but she says nothing. The silence is condemning and my stomach suddenly churns, causing the brooding guilt within me surges forth. The sight and smell of food makes me suddenly nauseous.

I killed him. I killed Legato.

Still, she stands next to me, watching me, waiting. From the corner of my eye I think I see her tremble. I feel the urge to talk to her, to make amends, to apologize, to tell her to leave this place, to leave me and never come back before she and her partner die, too. As I try to get the words out something in her eyes change and she quickly rushes out of the room, mumbling a need to be somewhere else.

I hear the click of the door close between us. For what feels like an eternity I sit there in a daze before I realize that she has done the right thing. I hate it, but she did the right thing.

Everything I touch dies. The city of August. Brad. Wolfwood.

I destroy everything.

I curl up into myself and press the palms of my hands to my eyes as my grief overwhelms me. My whole body shakes from the release and I gasp for air between wailing sobs. Even the act of crying does little to relieve the pressure built up in my heart and I am ashamed that all I can do anymore is cry. My tears change nothing. They won't wash my mistakes and sins.

I have lost everything. I am alone. I will always be alone.

I used to be afraid of being by myself. For almost as long as I can remember, I have always been somewhat uncomfortable in my own skin. Even now, after everything that has happened because of me, I am ashamed of the fact that I am still afraid of being alone.

How selfish.

People's lives are destroyed because of me. I have tried to live my life in a way that would honor Rem, that would make her proud. Yet, I cannot. Everything I touch, everything I care about, everything that is important to me crumbles and turns to dust.

Still, I cannot bear the idea of being alone. I cannot bear the knowledge that what I have done has chased away Rem forever.

After what Knives did, I still made the decision to stay with him. It was easier to follow his lead than to try to carve out an existence for myself on this arid planet without him.

I hated him for what he did. I even went so far as to wait until he was asleep one night in order to kill him. I was right on the threshold of committing murder, and then the memory of Rem's words stopped me. I was thankful for her words. Although she may be dead, she was still deep within my heart. That meant that no matter what happened, I would never really be alone.

Since that day, I have tried to live my life in a way that would make Rem happy. I knew that as long as I lived that way, she would always exist within my heart. That faith brought me some comfort, but still loneliness ached within me.

Then the Insurance Girls entered my life.

They were the first people to treat me like any other human being even though they knew who I was. They weren't afraid of me and they weren't after the price on my head. Though the idea of being under 24-hour surveillance was more than a little unnerving, it was still refreshing to be in their company.

In spite of my misgivings, I quickly started to like having them around. Being around them was actually fun. I particularly enjoyed making the short-haired girl go a little crazy. I don't think I've ever laughed as much since I was a child until I started traveling around with them. Having the Insurance Girls around, and later Wolfwood, helped ebb away some of the loneliness that haunted me most of my life.

They made me feel alive again.

However, I knew from the beginning that it was a bad idea to let the Insurance Girls follow me. I knew that just letting them near me invited them into one potentially deadly situation after another... but it was just so nice. It had been years since I had had people around me that I could honestly call my friends. I liked that. I still tried to maintain some distance between them and myself, thinking that somehow, that would protect them... but they are so frustratingly persistent.

I never thought things would turn out this way.

My selfishness got them both into situation after situation where their lives were in serious jeopardy. Monev the Gale was the first, but certainly not the last. I watched with dread as the stakes got higher and the people who came looking for me became increasingly deadly.

Legato had been the worst of all. I was a fool to underestimate him. I fell into his trap completely and allowed him to force my hand, thus resulting in the ugly scar that now shines in the fifth moon.

I was thankful that the Insurance Girls didn't come looking for me after that incident, though I found that I did miss their company. For two years I hid from myself, from Vash the Stampede. I became a peace-loving man known as Ericks who never held a gun and couldn't possibly be responsible for the destruction blamed on the Humanoid Typhoon.

It was nice to live like a regular person for a while, but I knew deep down that pretending to be someone else was not going to stop Knives. I was foolish to think so, but then I guess I am a fool.

When I met up with the Insurance Girls again, I should have sent them home without hesitation. Instead, I embraced the moment for what it was and thought that I could separate myself from them a few days later.

That was a stupid mistake. I realize now that I was just being selfish. Again.

I was glad to see them. I was glad to see her and I wanted them to stay. I wanted things to go back to the way they once were. I wanted that little piece of happiness. Because of my selfishness, I almost got Meryl shot in the head by a child with a gun. Later I was forced to watch as they both nearly got beaten to death right in front of me.

I cannot... will not forgive myself for that.

She knows what I am. She knows what I can do, what I have done... why does she continue to follow me? Why is she taking care of me?

Why? I don't deserve it.

At least she seems to have come to her senses now.

I grind my teeth together and let the sobs wrack my body once more. She has done the right thing. I would eventually destroy her, too. I almost did destroy her, her partner too.

The memory of them hurting her, the sounds of her cries and the sickening-feel of Legato delighting in it all while urging me to kill him haunts me incessantly. The scene replays in my mind and I am sickened with the realization that if I had to do it all over again, I would make the same decision.

I would still stop Legato.

I would still shoot him.

Is that wrong?

Rem, was I wrong?

If I didn't shoot him, they would have died. They all would have died. Was I wrong?

What should I have done different? There had to be another way... there is always another way... isn't there? I could have saved them both. I didn't have to kill Legato... did I?

I try desperately to call up my memory of Rem, to gain what little comfort my memory of her will offer me when I hear the door open behind me with a gentle swoosh and then shut with a quiet click. I freeze instantly and feel my heart begin to pound in my chest.

Why has she come back?

I guiltily look down at the bowl of soup she made for me that has since spilled onto the floor. I wait for her to chastise me for not eating, for making a mess... but the stillness of the room remains. The silence is becoming overwhelming and I again wonder why she has come back and why she is still standing there. I strain to listen for movement or a whisper of explanation and unwittingly allow myself a moment of selfish hope.

Quiet footsteps slowly make their way toward me and I feel a tentative hand reach out to touch my shoulder. A whisper of my name and a slight squeeze of her hand bring fresh tears to my eyes and I realize that I have been holding my breath.

She shouldn't be here like this. I shouldn't be so relieved that she is here.

Meryl...

I feel her slide her hand up to my neck and urge me to turn around towards her and I comply gratefully. I wrap my arms around her waist and sob quietly against her middle. I mumble words of apology, regret and warning as she strokes my head tenderly and whispers words of support, forgiveness and hope.

I feel a water droplet splash against the back of my neck, and then another. I pull away from her just enough to look up into her face. Her eyes are puffy and bloodshot, her cheeks glistening. Locks of her dark hair are sticking to the side of her face in the fresh tear tracks, and she smiles at me.

Beautiful.

I rest my forehead against her once more and drink in as much of the moment as I can before I push her away for the last time. She is in danger As long as she stays around me, she will always be in danger.

She has started to stroke my hair again and I feel myself begin to relax against her. I can't let her stay here, I can't. I suck in a trembling breath and gather myself. "Go home, both of you. It's not safe to be around me, I-"

"Vash-san," she interrupts me sternly, the tone of her voice tender yet demanding no further argument, "this is the only place I want to be."