sg5

TITLE: Savage Garden Chapter Five: I Don't Know You Anymore
AUTHOR: Gaia Less
RATING: PG13
SPOILERS: Pilot, Emily... a few flashbacks from actual scenes. Everything else through the beginning of season seven, I guess.

SUMMARY: Scully returns to Mulder for help after five years of separation.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Mulder, Scully, or anyone else you might recognize from the series. They are owned by Chris Carter, 1013, and Fox. I don't own them. No copyright infringement is intended. I didn;t create em, I'm just playing with them. I'll give them back when I'm done. Promise!! Please don't sue me...

All songs belong to Savage Garden.. yeah.. they rock. Also just borrowing them, blah blah blah....

Archive anywhere, but please get my permission first :) tis as easy as emailing me and saying, Yo, Gaia, I wanna put your fanfic, [title here], on my site, okay? You can even simply cut and paste that sentence into an email document! I will reply with something along the lines of Hey, that's cool. Promote me! Yeah! Sweeeeet. See? Tis VERY easy :) Wowwww. Hehe

notes and such at the end





Chapter Five
I Don't Know You Anymore
by GL

==============
I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break
We can go sit on your back porch
Relax
Talk about anything
It don't matter
I'll be courageous if you pretend that you've forgiven me

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

Springtime in the city
Always such a relief from the winter freeze
The snow was more lonely than cold if you know what I mean
Everyone's got an agenda
Don't stop keep that chin up you'll be all right
Can you believe what a year it's been
Are you still the same?
Have your opinions changed?

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from these sentences
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it everyday

So maybe I shouldn't have called
Was it too soon to tell?
Oh what the hell
It doesn't really matter
How do redefine something that never really had a name?
Has your opinion changed?

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I see your face
I see your face

~*~

April 12th, 2003

The words to the song echo in my head as if they are permanently etched there. They seem so true, so real to me.

I should have never let any of it happen. Maybe I shouldn't have even let myself fall in love with her. If I hadn't, we'd still be together, at least as friends.

But no. I fell in love with her. And then the littlest thing set me off... I don't even remember what! I don't remember *what* The Argument was about... yet The Argument is the reason I haven't seen her in God knows how long... has it been four years? Oh, my God... She was so angry at me... and I was angry at her too, mostly for being mad at me. I was hurt and confused, I didn't understand. But then she told me she was quitting. Resigning. Whatever the hell you want to call it. She was leaving me. Forever.

The last time I ever saw her was the day she left. I'd gone over to her apartment one last time, mostly to give her back the key that she'd trusted me with for the past seven years.

Scully, are you sure you want to leave? I had asked.

Yes, Mulder. I am, she'd answered curtly.

Scully, please... we can work this out, I pleaded.

No, Mulder. We can't. I can't stay here anymore. Not like this. I'm sorry.

And then she was gone.

I haven't spoken to her in almost four years, but I've thought about her every single day. I am no longer on the X-Files. They were closed shortly after she left. Now I'm back in Violent Crimes... and missing Scully more than ever.

I have to talk to her.

~*~

April 28th, 2003

I found Scully's phone number, but I was too afraid to call. I was afraid of what she would say. I was afraid that she'd hang up on me.

So I did some research. Being in the FBI is helpful that way sometimes. I managed to get her address. She's living in Ohio now. So I pack an overnight bag, and start to get ready to leave.

As I am packing my bag, there's a knock at the door. I go to answer it. I open the door.

It's a petite woman with fiery red hair. She's looking down at the floor, but I can still see that she has a dark bruise on the side of her face. A little girl is holding her hand. Both of them look tired and scared.

The woman looks up at me. I gasp when I realize who it is.

Hi, Mulder, she says sadly.

Oh, my God... come in. I hold the door open for her and the little girl. They come in and sit down on the couch. I sit down beside her. What happened to you? I ask.

Oh, God... Mulder... she says, starting to cry. I open my arms, and she cries on my shoulder. She sobs and holds onto me.

What happened, Dana? I ask her. She pulls away from me. I touch the bruise on her cheek gently. She winces slightly.

Oh, God, Mulder... I-I... I moved away from here four years ago... I didn't want to leave you, but... I got married, Mulder. This is my daughter, Alexia, she says, putting her hand on the child's shoulder. But... my husband... David, he... he was so horrible... He hurt me. Not just this time... other times too. That's why I came here, I had to get away from him, I couldn't live like that, and neither could Lexie. You're the only one I could think of to come to.

I'm so sorry, Dana, I whisper to her. I smile sadly. Actually, I was about to come and see you.

You were? She smiles back. If you did... I don't know *what* David would have done.

Well, then, I'm glad you came here. You'll be safe here.

She nods. I missed you so much, Mulder. I wanted to see you again.

I missed you, too, I admit.

I was so afraid that you'd hate me for leaving you...

I couldn't ever hate you, Dana. I love you, I say, before I realize what I'm saying.

Oh, God... she says, closing her eyes. I love you too...

Lexie says, tugging on Dana's sleeve. She turns around. Who is that?

This is my friend, Fox, she says.

Hi, Lexie, I say, waving a little. She smiles shyly. God, she looks just like her mother.

Dana turns back to me. I'm sorry I ever left you, Mulder, she says softly.

I missed you, I say again.

She nods. I left because I couldn't be with you anymore... because I lo-- she cuts off. I couldn't *live* with whatever it was between us. I loved you, Mulder. I really did.

Well then why did you marry him? I ask. I'm sorry... I didn't mean to sound like that...

No, you're right. I shouldn't have married him. If I had known that was going to happen, I'd never have married him. Y-you know, I-I should just go. She stands up.

I grab her hand. No, wait, Dana. You've come so far... and I *want* to see you.

She looks down at me, her eyes filling up with tears. Then she sits back down next to me. Neither of us speak for a few moments. Neither of us know what to say. So many things that I've wanted to say, to tell her, to do, but I can't bring myself to. I've thought of you, she says quietly after a few moments.

You have? I say, a little more incredulously than I intended to.

She nods. I thought about you so much when I first came here. I could hardly stop... I missed you so much. And then I met David... we got married about a year later. I was pregnant with Lexie. He seemed to love me then... She closes her eyes. I never thought he'd do this... A tear slips down her cheek at the memory.

Oh, Dana, I say, reaching over and touching her cheek gently. She looks up at me, into my eyes again. She reaches for me again and holds onto me for dear life. I hold her close. This is what I've been missing...

I'm sorry I left you, Mulder, she says into my shoulder. I loved--I love you. I still love you. It sounds like she's admitting that to herself for the first time.

I love you too, Dana.

A sudden flashback to the day I realized that enters my mind. She had come to my apartment, and played I Knew I Loved You' for me. She told me that she loved me, that she always had. Even before I knew her. And I told her I loved her too...

A few weeks later came The Argument.

But in that two weeks that we had, *together,* I had gone out to buy Savage Garden's cd, Affirmation. Because that song, it was *our* song. It still is.

And then, after she was gone, the song I Don't Know You Anymore' took on a new meaning for me. And I've listened to it so often, just to think of her.

And now, four years later... She's finally back here, in my arms. It seems so right... yet so wrong. What about everything that had happened to her in the past four years? She'd been married, she had a daughter to take care of... and I expect that I can just waltz back into her life?

I hold her for a few more moments in silence. I croak, at the same moment as she speaks.

Or sings, rather.

I knew I loved you, before I met you... she begins, her eyes welling up with tears.

I join in. I think I dreamed you into life. I knew I loved you before I met you. I have been waiting all my life, we sing together.

I still love you, Mulder, she repeats. I never stopped loving you. Not even when I was with David. Or rather, when I loved David. I could never forget you. Ever.

I take her hands in mine. You don't know how much I've been wanting to hear that. I thought... when you left, I thought you'd never want to see me again.

I didn't want to. I couldn't work with someone that I loved so much. When I came here, I tried so hard to forget you. To move on with my life... that's why, I think, I married David. Yes, at one time I loved him, and yes, leaving him was painful, but... he wasn't you, Mulder. And I'd rather be with someone who I love... who I *still* love. She stares down at our hands. I didn't date at all for a year or so. I was afraid... and I wanted it to be you. But when I met David, I never expected to see you again, and--

I capture her mouth in a kiss before she can even finish. She puts her arms around my neck, returning the kiss. I'm here now. And I never want to leave you again.

I'll never leave you again. I can't go back there... ever. I can't go back to him. He doesn't love me... But God, I love you, she whispers, leaning her forehead against mine.

I love you too. I grin at her. We have four years worth of this to make up for, Dana, I kid her.

four years... she says, closing her eyes. Has it really been that long?





Neither of us speak for a long time. We just sit there on the couch, our arms around each other, our foreheads still touching. It's such a wonderful moment... and I want it to last a long time. I never want to let go of her, ever again.

I can't believe you're really here... I say, smiling. I've been wanting to see you for so long, but I was afraid to call.

So was I. I just... came. I didn't want to call first, because I was afraid you wouldn't want to see me. And I *had* to see you.

Why wouldn't I want to see someone that I spent six years of my life with? I ask, sounding almost offended.

And more than half as much time without, she adds sadly. I regretted ever leaving you. I mean, I... I have a new life here now... I want to come back... back home, to you, but I can't. I have to go back... not back to David, but I have to go back to Ohio eventually.

I nod, not wanting to show her how sad I was about that fact. I had been courageous the whole time I was here, with her, and I couldn't falter now. I understand, Dana.

She is silent for a moment, and then pulls her head back a little to look at me. I can't come to be with you now... but--

--maybe I could come to be with you, I finish for her. God, even after four years, we can *still* finish each other's sentences. That felt good.

She smiles at me through her tears, a wide, genuine smile that I had so rarely seen when she was with me.

I *want* to be with you, Dana. But... are you sure that would be all right? I mean, with David... and everything that's happened for you--

No. No, Mulder. I've wanted to be with you, for four years. I just assumed... that that would never happen.

Anything can happen, Dana, I say, kissing her again.

After we finish, she says, Yeah. Anything. She turns around to look at Lexie, who has fallen asleep on the couch next to us.

Dana... how? I ask. A simple question.

I don't know. I'd told David that I couldn't have children... that was before we even got married. And then... actually, the day he proposed to me... I found out I was pregnant. It came as such a surprise. I didn't know how to explain it. Well, I guess it was possible, but... so unlikely. I wasn't expecting it at all... and then... I was going to call you then, but... I was too afraid.

We got married a few months later. It was just a small wedding, family and... close friends, she says sadly, giving me an apologetic look. Lexie was born... and then David started... I don't know. He'd get drunk. And really violent sometimes. I didn't know what to do. And I was still too afraid to call you.

Afraid of what, Dana?

Afraid of the same thing you were afraid of. That you'd hate me. That *you* never wanted to see me again. The thought of seeing you again... it scared me to death. That's why I was so surprised to see you this morning. I just wanted to forget about you, about us, about everything.

Obviously, I didn't. I couldn't. Another smile crept at the corners of her lips.

We sat and talked about everything that had happened in the past four years. We caught up on each other's lives. Suddenly, a cell phone interrupted our conversation.

Oh... it's me, Dana says, pulling out her phone. A few moments later... Oh, God... how long ago?... Oh, God... No, Ann, actually, I'm in Washington... DC... Yeah, it happened again, I had to leave. I'm sorry I didn't call in... Thanks for calling me, Ann... Okay... Okay. She turns the phone off and puts a hand over her mouth. Oh my God... she whispers, barely audible.

What happened? I ask, concerned.

It's David... he's dead.



He ran his car into a tree. He was drunk.

Oh, God, Dana... I'm sorry.

Don't be. Her eyes convey a definite sadness, but something else too... almost relief. I wasn't ever going back to him anyway... I'm free now. A tear slips down her cheek, over the dark bruise. I won't hurt anymore. She smiles at me.

But what about Lexie? I ask her.

David was never a father to her. I was afraid that he would hurt her too... I doubt he ever really loved either of us. She reaches down and brushes Lexie's hair out of her eyes with her fingers. Even if I tell her, she's too little to understand anyway. Not until she's older.

I nod.

But... she really does need a dad. She always has. I hoped David would make a good father... he never did. She looks at the wedding ring on her hand. Then she slips it off of her her finger and puts it in her pocket. I should have done that a long time ago. I should have left a long time ago. I asked for a divorce a few months ago... he didn't listen. He... he just hit me. She closed her eyes tightly, as if fighting off a horrible nightmare--a nightmare that she knew was her reality.

Dana... you don't deserve to be treated like that. You deserve so much more. You deserve to be happy.

Thank you, Fox, she says softly. Thank you so much.

For what?

For being here for me. For not hating me for leaving.

Thank you for turning to me for help. I love you, Dana. I always have. And I always will.

She smiles. I love you too, she whispers. But... I really need to go back home... I should go to the hospital, finish all of this up.

I nod sadly. Then I get an idea. I'll come with you, Dana.

She looks up at me. Will you?

Of course I will. I lean over and kiss her.

Lexie sits up. Mama, wanna go home, she says.

Oh, sweetie... I know. She looks at her watch, and then glances out the window, where night is quickly falling. she says. Fox... do you think we could stay here tonight?

Sure... if you don't mind the couch, I smile.

You're still sleeping on the couch? she asks, almost laughing.

I shrug. I haven't needed to get a real bed.

Well, I don't mind... as long as you promise me one thing.

What's that?

That you'll hold me all night.

Sounds like a deal, I say with a grin.

~*~

5:15 am

We wake up to the sound of Lexie crying. Dana sits up suddenly. she says, standing up and walking across the room to where Lexie is sleeping on the big, soft chair in the corner. Sweetheart, what's the matter?

Wanna go home! she cries. I miss my dollies!

Oh, sweetie, I do too... We're going home later, okay?

We are?

Yeah. We are. Fox, what time is it? she asks me.

Uh... too early to get up, I reply, noting that it's still dark out. Sorry, I don't have my watch.

Okay. Sweetie, go back to sleep, all right? We'll go home in the morning.

Wanna sleep with you and Daddy, she sobs sleepily. Dana glances at me. *Daddy?* She's probably just too tired to realize that I'm not Daddy. Then again, Dana had said that David had never been close to Lexie, and she probably just figured that since her mommy was sleeping with me on the couch, then I must be Daddy now.

Is that okay with you, Fox? Dana asks. She doesn't bother to correct Lexie for calling me Daddy.'

Uh, it's fine with me, but there won't be much room here, I say.

Dana carries Lexie over to the couch and sits next to me. Holding her daughter in her lap, she leans back against me, and manages to get the three of us all in a comfortable position. I turn on my side, giving Dana and Lexie more room, and I put my arms around Dana's waist. I take a deep breath and close my eyes and fall back asleep.

*****
5:39 am

I try to fall back asleep, but I can't. I hold Lexie, who has already fallen back asleep. I would go put her back over on the easy chair, but Mulder's arms are around me again and he has already fallen back asleep, too. So I listen to his slow, rhythmic breathing and close my eyes.

Lexie whispers.

Damn. I was *almost* asleep. What, Lexie?

Where's Daddy?

I still haven't told her about the accident. She's only two--and although she's ahead of most two year olds her age, she probably wouldn't understand. Lexie, I have to tell you something. When we left our house last night, we weren't going to go back to see Daddy anymore. Because... he hurt me, and I didn't want him to hurt you. But... now we *really* aren't going to see Daddy anymore.



Sweetie... Daddy got in a car crash today. He's dead.

What's that?

It means... it means he went away, and he can't ever come back.

Kinda like us?

No, Lexie. It's... different. I think for a moment. Do you remember when your goldfish died?

When he turned upside down and didn't swim around anymore?

Yeah. Like that. It's sort of like... he went to sleep, and can't wake up.

Lexie looks scared. Are we gonna flush Daddy down the toilet?

I can't help but smile. No, sweetie.

Okay, good. She's quiet for a moment, before asking, So is that my daddy now? she asks, pointing to Mulder.

I bite my lip and stare over her shoulder. Maybe, sweetie.

'Cause I think he's a good daddy. He's nice.

I think so, too, I whisper. Go back to sleep, okay, sweetie?

Okay, Mama. She closes her eyes.

A few minutes later, when I'm sure she's asleep again. I gently move away from Mulder and carry Lexie back over to the easy chair.

*****
5:51 am

Dana gets up off the couch and carries Lexie over to the chair. I open my eyes slightly and watch her walk back over to the couch. She lays back down next to me, and I put my arms around her again. You were talking to Lexie, I whisper.

Oh, I'm sorry... did I wake you?

Don't worry about it, I tell her.

She wanted to know where Daddy was, and why you weren't him. She realized that you weren't Daddy. She smiles. She says that you'd make a good daddy though, because you're nice. The smile turns into a frown. But that's probably because you haven't hit me yet.

I'd never hit you, Dana. I'd never do anything to hurt you, I say, pulling her closer. And I don't know what kind of monster could ever do that... especially to you.

Her face is pressed into my shoulder, and I feel her warm tears soaking into my shirt. I'm so sorry I left you, Fox... she whispers. I wish I could go back and change everything... I wish that *you* were Lexie's daddy.

I whisper. I hold her for another moment, and then I let go of her and get up off of the couch. I walk over to my desk and open a drawer. When I find what I'm looking for, I take it back over to the couch.

Dana reaches into her purse and pulls out an envelope. she says. Before you say anything, I want you to read this.

What is it?

It's a letter that I've started writing... I wasn't sure when I'd have the courage to send it, but... She shrugs. I kept it in my purse, hoping David wouldn't find it. But I want you to read it now.

I stare at her for a moment before taking the envelope from her.

The letter is dated June 14th, 2000. Dear Fox, it reads. I lean back on the couch.

Wow. It's been a long time. I was just writing to tell you that I miss you. four years, Fox. I can't believe it. So much has happened to me... I guess more for the better. I got married three years ago, and I have a beautiful one-year-old daughter named Alexia. Unfortunately, my husband David and I haven't been getting along very well lately.

I've been thinking about you a lot, Fox. About what I told you in the few weeks before I left. I told you about the dreams I had, about the dreams that you were in. I've dreamed it again. So many times, even after David and I got married. Even while I was in love with him, I think. You were always there for me in those dreams, and you were always there for me when we were together. I am still so in love with you Fox. I've never stopped loving you.

I miss you so much. I hope you've forgiven me for leaving. I hope you can forgive me. I'm sorry I left you. I feel so terrible. I've never forgiven myself for leaving behind what we had. I'm so sorry, and I don't blame you if you don't forgive me. I just wanted you to know that, that I still love you, and I hope you can still love me.

I know that I haven't seen or spoken to you in four years. I'm also sorry about that. I should have kept in touch. I spent seven years of my life with you. And I want to spend more of my life with you. Please come to see me, or write to me. Or call. Whatever. I just miss you so much, and I want to see you again. Even though I'm married now, Fox... well, I do know that I love you so much more than I love David. And I know he doesn't love me anymore. I want you to know that you mean so much more to me.

I keep thinking of you, and then of David, and I can't help but think, what if I'd married you? What if I'd never left... would we have gotten married, Fox? I still think it should have been you, I never should have married David, and it should have been you. I know I would have been much happier.

Fox, I love you now, I loved you when I was with you, and I will always love you. Please know that. I hope you can forgive me for leaving. I love you.

Love,
Dana

I read it again, and again, not believing this, not believing that she still loved me after all these years. I quickly swipe at my face, not wanting to cry, but... it means so much...

And a moment later, she sits down on my lap and is in my arms again.

You mean it, Dana?

All of it. Every word.

Dana... I'm glad you married David. I know what happened to you is horrible... But... if you loved him when you married him, that's what matters. Don't regret it.



I love you too, I say, answering what she was going to say, reading what she was thinking. I always will. No matter what. I don't...

I haven't loved David in almost two years, she interrupts me softly. Ever since he started... hitting me. She pauses. But I can't... we can't... let our pasts haunt us. Or let our pasts get in the way of the present, and the future...

Exactly. But... I was in your past, too, Dana.

But you're also in my present... and hopefully... my future...

I've been wanting to say this for so long... I open my mouth to speak, but then nothing comes out. *Dammit, Mulder, don't clam up now...* I tell myself. I clench my mouth shut for a moment, having a silent argument with myself.

I choke out a moment later. I stand up and put her down on the couch where I had been sitting. I kneel down in front of her. *God, this is corny...* I take the small velvet box out of my pocket. I've had this for so long... and I never thought I'd have the chance to give it to her.

I take her hands in mine. *No turning back now.* Finding my voice, I say, Dana, I've loved you for so long. And I've known you for twelve years now... and just because five of those years were lost... we're here now. And I love you, more than ever. I know that your husband just died today... you don't even have to answer me now. But Dana... will you marry me?

Oh, God... she says, throwing her arms around my neck. She moves from the couch to sit next to me on the floor. Fox Mulder, I have been waiting years for you to say that...

So is that a yes? I ask with a smile.

It's an of course, she says, kissing me.

My God... why did I wait so long to tell her? Why did I wait seven years, and then let her leave me for another four? Or maybe I should ask *how* did I wait so long? How did I *not* come to see her? Those four years without Dana were the longest four years of my life. Now I never intended to let her go, ever again.

We sat there in the living room, holding each other, for a long time. Neither of us spoke, or moved from where we were sitting on the floor. We sat there until sunlight began to come in through the windows.

It's morning, Dana whispers.

Well, good morning, I whisper back, smiling. Still holding her, I give her a kiss.

I love you, Fox.

I love you, Dana... more than life itself. I hold her tightly and close my eyes. This was really happening. I *didn't* dream it. I stare down into Dana's eyes, and she gazes back up at me and smiles. So this is what real love felt like. You could just look at someone, and know *exactly* what they were thinking. Dana and I had been able to do that for years, back when she lived here.

a little voice says. We turn to see Lexie sitting up in the chair.

Morning, sweetheart, Dana says, but she doesn't get up. Lexie is looking at us strangely.

Lexie gets up off the chair and walks over to where Dana and I are sitting. Are you in love with my mama? she asks.

I smile, wondering how a two-year-old could be so perceptive of this. *Just like her mom.* Yes, I am in love with your mommy, I tell her, holding Dana a little closer.

Lexie's face breaks into a huge grin. Are you... are you gonna be my daddy? she asks excitedly.

Dana smiles at me. I gaze at her for a moment, before grinning and saying to Lexie, Yeah. I'm gonna be your daddy.

~*~