Rinoa didn't know it, but Seifer never really left. The moment he turned beyond the corridor, his steps started to falter, until he stopped walking. His gaze was cast down, deep in sadness and thought. It was a strange sight for the cadets that passed by him, but they did not have the nerve to ask him what the matter was. They knew Seifer by sight and reputation, and the freshmen were warned in advance. Seifer was just trouble starting to ignite everytime. Steer clear off him.
Which was exactly just what Seifer wanted right now. To be alone. He cannot really be sure what he would do to anyone who would dare try and disturb his musings at this state of mind. The other people, seeing the expression on his face, hastily went away.
He looked back to the corridor bend which led towards the Garden balcony where Rinoa still was. Still crying, no doubt. He looked at it for the longest time, as if seeing the memories on that bend. And slowly, he turned around, and started to walk towards it. He never went beyond the corner, however. He just stood around the bend, and leaned on it.
There they were, both unseen. One feeling the other, while the other, feeling the past and the pain. As Seifer expected, Rinoa was still sitting on the floor, leaning against the railing, hugging herself with her arms as if she was the only person in the whole world willing to embrace her right now. Seifer, eyes strangely sad, took a peek, his forehead leaning on his right hand which he placed tiredly on the wall.
Rinoa, heaven only knows just how much I would've wanted to embrace you and comfort you right now...
Abruptly, Seifer frowned then, driving away that thought as he leaned back heavily on the wall. He tried driving away the soft sounds of sobbing and rasping breath on the balcony a few steps ahead. He tried not listening to it, but he couldn't. He knew the feeling. He felt it before.
By rights, he should've been seething with anger at her, not feeling an empathy like this. He should be laughing and glowering in victory at her, chuckling at her misfortune like he always did to others. He should feel glad at what happened, and he would be justified in doing so. But somehow, he didn't.
Damn it, you big lug, he said to himself. You've been waiting for a long time for something like this to happen! Be glad damn you!
Somehow, he didn't. He had been waiting a long time. A long time...
They weren't supposed to be in that party. Him, and two other SeeD cadets. They snuck out of Balamb Garden and went to Deling, the greatest city this side of the world. Back then, he had always been the one to drag his other friends in light-hearted fun. Back then when he still had friends. Far from being serious in all his works and lessons, he was the one who always thought that work was equated to fun. But he was never the problem-head then as he was now. He was just an easy-go-lucky fellow. No hint of seriousness in his face then.
That was back then.
It was there in that party in Deling when he first laid eyes on her. A beautiful lass of silky-black hair and sweet, liquid eyes. With a smile that sent him staring (and the wine-glass that he held shaking). She appeared bored, and she was with her father. And when she saw him--a person of her age in this party of older men and women--she smiled that wonderfully cute and flirty smile of hers, and swished her black hair.
If that wasn't an invitation for acquaintance, then Seifer was a dumb idiot. Which, of course, he was not.
He left his two other companions aside and started walking towards her, that characteristic smirk on his face showing. A smirk of mischievosuness and flirtiousness. He smoothed back his short golden hair, intent on impressing the hell out of this young goddess who just stepped into his view.
When they were face to face, Seifer started to turn on his inherent charm. He was never one to be shy with anyone. Especially to a young woman who was obviously as interested with him as he was with her.
"Now, what is a young place like you doing in a girl like this?" he said, without thinking. Somehow, he knew it came out wrong.
She placed a hand over her mouth then, trying her best not to let out a laugh. She giggled.
Drat, he thought. It did come out wrong! Well, so much for first impressions.
"Uhm...I-I'm Seifer, by the way. Seifer Almasy," he introduced, offering his hand.
"Rinoa," she smiled, taking his hand. "Rinoa Caraway."
"Caraway?" he echoed. "How...how are you related to General Caraway?"
Rinoa snickered cutely. "I'm his daughter."
Seifer let out an expression of "Oh, I see..."
"Let's get out of here," Rinoa whispered, leaning to him conspiratorically. "I think we're about an endangered specie in this room full of ancients."
Seifer chuckled and nodded back in the same manner. "I agree. How about a walk in the park?"
That walk ended in a kiss.
Eversince then, he couldn't keep his mind off her. The morning after found them in Cid's office, lectured for what they did. His two companions were trembling under the headmaster's assault. Except him. His mind was miles away the whole time. In a large house in Deling. Lost in that kiss that made his heart stop for a second. Under the ebony sky.
They were suspended for a week after that. Grounded to stay in their dormitory. But somehow, he couldn't find himself to be away from her. Everywhere he looked, there she was. Time and again, he snuck out of the Garden to catch the next train to Deling. Maybe those secret outings while he was suspended contributed greatly to the Stealth aspect of his SeeD training.
For six months, they have been writing each other constantly. Six days, he was training in the Garden. On the seventh, when everyone else was resting, he was out catching the next trip to the great Galbadian capital. He never thought he would fall in love this deep for someone.
And then it happened. At first, he didn't notice the subtle changes. How her letters had become less and less frequent. How his calls had often been greeted with "Hi! This is Rinoa Caraway. I'm sorry, but we're not here right now...". He left messages, but they often came unanswered. The very few times they did manage to talk, he asked her if she was alright. Or if there was something wrong he did. And often, she would say the same thing: "I'm fine. No, you're great." And all too often, he couldn't help but feel the emptiness of those words. Their talks ended in less than ten minutes. The same excuse came out of her mouth. That she was tired, and that she needed to rest. No matter the fact that it was still eight in the morning.
He didn't want to believe the inevitable. He held on to the belief that Rinoa loved him still. That she was, in fact, just tired. Surely her being a daughter of the famed general would entail late night meetings and parties. The thought occurred to him that, maybe, she found someone else on one of those parties. But he immediately drove those away. She said so herself. She was bored with parties. With the ancients, as she called them.
It came as a shock then when, one day while he was on his way to her house intending to surprise her, a car stopped in front of their gate and they stepped out. She, and a man in his early twenties. She was smiling brightly at him. His heart went up to his throat when they held hands. And when he kissed her, well, he just dropped the bouquet of red roses he bought for her.
He walked away that night. His world was shattered by just an act of a kiss. It began with a kiss, and it ended with a kiss. Only, it was given to her by someone else. Three days after, he got a letter with the scent of carnation. It was not signed by anyone. But when he opened it, the scent meant nothing. As he read the words, his eyes started shedding tears for the last time. There it was. The end of Seifer Almasy, the carefree guy. Written in flowing script.
I'm sorry, but I didn't love you as much as I thought I did....
That letter she sent him a long time ago, placed on a scented envelope which vaguely smelled of carnation, was still in his keeping, crumpled and creased from numerous reading and re-readings. It had been his way of hardening his heart and, in effect, molding himself into the bastard that he was right now. It had become his belief that to survive, he had to be hard. He had to show to everyone that he was not someone they can just trifle with. He figured that if he'll hide behind a wall of defiance and arrogance and raw strength, no one would dare hurt him again. Pain goes to something more than the physical. He had hidden all his pain in a mask of arrogance and defiance. It was not something he liked, but he needed it to survive. Showing a touch of softness and vulnerability was dangerous. People would exploit it and you'd be left with nothing but hurt.
Which was why he can't afford for Rinoa to see him right now. How he hurt deeply inside. He had seen the events which transpired earlier between Squall and Rinoa with much glee, intending to mock her and drive the pain deeper into her for what she had done to him a long time ago. But instead, he saw his pain he thought he had buried together with the old Seifer reflected on her eyes. He was not prepared for that. He was not expecting that. And it was all he could do not to turn around and run away crying. The old Seifer wasn't dead, after all. He had always been there, sleeping. And it took the crying eyes of the person he once loved to wake him up.
He didn't want her to see him crying. Because then, she would know that he sympathized with her. And be it against his will, he didn't want her to know that.
"Seifer..." he heard Rinoa say softly.
For a minute, he thought she knew he was still there, feeling her. He immediately jerked his head sidewards, only to see empty air and the corridor wall across. He stood up (not even remembering when he had crouched), and tried to lean closer to the corridor corner without being seen by her.
"I didn't know it hurt you that much..." she continued. She thought she was speaking to empty air. She didn't know the air had ears this time.
You never cared, did you? It was all because of....
"Daryll," she continued. "Daryll was a sophisticated man, who knew what he wanted...and I...I was drawn to him because of that..."
He was rich, I was not. Say that, damn you! So that I can hate you. Finally...
"It's not because of the money," she said, in between sobs. "He was a man who I thought would take care of me...who could love me like my mother did father..."
I loved you...I would've taken care of you...
"...but he never did...oh, Seifer," Rinoa whispered. "Daryll left me for an older woman...you didn't know that, because you're already back here...I was living in a fantasy world...he was deeply rooted in reality."
Seifer's eyes narrowed a bit at that. She was right, he didn't know that.
"I never loved anyone else after that," Rinoa said. Her voice quivered. Apparently, she still felt the repercussions of that incident.
What are we? Seifer thought. A bunch of repressed memories? Flesh of buried pain? Are we people feeding on the remnants of something in the past? Why do we keep the pain alive, if we want them forgotten?
"I never loved anyone...until Squall." It was then that Rinoa broke down, sobbing profusely at the mention of that name. "Hyne, but I love him! Oh Squall...why did you have to do this...? Why...? I loved you! I swallowed my pain because of you...Why this? And...why with Quistis...?"
Seifer looked down, listening to the sound of tears falling and heart breaking. The anger he felt for her slowly disappeared, washed by each tear she felt for Squall. The shell of indifference built through all those times of resentment brought on by this one woman who so carelessly touched his heart back when he was still a human person who felt laughter slowly broke down as each sob came out of her mouth.
Seifer Almasy was a man who often had trouble as his twin and delighted on it. He was a man who defied authority because he believed that if he committed himself under someone's rule, he would lose himself. He was a man whose arrogance was renowned throughout the whole of Balamb Garden. He was a man who did not care about anyone else but himself.
But for now, that Seifer Almasy was put aside. Right now, he just realized something, and it took tears and memories from the past to make him see.
That he can still go back to being that person before he became a problem. That he can still feel. That he still loved Rinoa.
And with his face set in grim determination, Seifer Almasy started walking away. People had often branded him as one of the best fighters B-Garden has produced. And right now, he was set on showing just how true that reputation was to someone.
He was a Sorceress' Knight, after all.
