His head felt light, and dazy. He remembered that the only time he felt like this was when he was in a surreal dream involving a naked dance with Ultimecia many moons ago. He woke up gasping for breath then. He wished he could wake up from this one, as well. Unfortunately, the wetness he felt on his chest as Selphie was crying on him told Irvine that what was happening was very real, however shocking it was.
He looked to where Zell was leaning on the foot of the bed, the tightness of his grip on the metal bar on the foot of the bed apparent from the way the gloves were stretched taut. He did not need to look at Quistis and Rinoa to know just how much they hurt. The silence of the room was punctuated only by the sniffs and sobbings. If tears could be heard, then the room would've been like a market.
Suddenly, there was an audible "dit".
Irvine looked up at that one, unable to believe what he had just heard. Was it his imagination? If so, then everyone in the room, and near it, also shared his imagination for they, too, looked up towards the source of the sound. Dr. Kadowaki, who had been standing behind Rinoa, her hands on her shoulders as she tried to comfort the young woman, looked as if she had been stung by a bee.
Rinoa stopped sobbing, and looked at the still motionless Squall. And then, there it was again. "Dit". This was repeated in a distinct, regular beat.
"Oh Hyne," Quistis whispered, involuntarily putting a hand on her mouth. She, as well as everyone else, was looking at the screen of the ECG. There, in luminous white, was the unmistakable jagged lines of what used to be a flat line.
It was silent for a moment, as if time stopped. The only sound were the regular beeps of the ECG. And then, just as suddenly, Dr. Kadowaki barked orders.
"Someone give me a proper reading of the patient! Stats on the cardiograph! Sarah, start taking pulse counts! And will somebody tell me how long he's been clinically dead?!"
There was a flurry of activity suddenly after that, as medical assistants tried to keep up with their superior's orders. Rinoa was still holding Squall's hands. Her pulse had quickened after Dr. Kadowaki broke the silence with her barking orders.
"Doctor, is he...?" Irvine and Zell suddenly said in unison, taking a step towards the doctor. Their eyes showed excitement. Selphie was still clutching at Irvine, and her eyes, likewise, glowed with promise and renewed hope. A flurry of whites tried to get past them as they hurriedly tried to attend to the commander on the bed.
"We can't be too sure," Dr. Kadowaki said.
"B-but...the machine...the ECG," Rinoa stammered, as she turned up to look at the four. Her hands were still clasping Squall's. "Doctor...Squall's...Squall's breathing..!"
Quistis started to walk fully inside the room now. She was silent all the time. She was afraid that if she would speak, it'll break this seeming dream she was on. Squall's alive? Her heart made somersaults at the very thought.
"We still can't be--" Dr. Kadowaki replied, turning to Rinoa.
It was then that Sarah interrupted them. "Doctor, he was gone for five minutes and forty seconds. This is the closest estimate I can gather."
Dr. Kadowaki let out a nervous sigh. She turned to her attendants. "O-Okay...I want constant update on his status. And continue with the IV-treatment of the ELX synthesis, although I think we should lessen the dose by 25 cc. Constant update, you hear?"
The medical attendants nodded. Dr. Kadowaki then walked and got out a penlight as she examined Squall's eyes, one after the other. She nodded thoughtfully to herself, and let out a still nervous breath.
"H-he's going to be alright, isn't he?" Quistis asked, for the first time since she arrived. It seemed to have been eons ago. She looked at the unconscious Squall, and still longed to reach out and brush his hair, but there was Rinoa.
"He's still unconscious, but breathing," Dr. Kadowaki said. "I-I don't know. This can only be a miracle."
The others let out an audible sigh of relief. For the first time in hours, they looked at each other and started to smile. Rinoa and Quistis, however, still seemed to act as if the other did not exist.
"I won't be celebrating just yet," Dr. Kadowaki said.
Their smiles froze. "W-what do you mean, doc?" Zell asked. "I thought you said he's gonna be alright?"
"I only said he's breathing," Dr. Kadowaki said, turning to Zell, Irvine and Selphie. "I did not say he's gonna be alright."
"What do you mean, Dr. Kadowaki?" Quistis asked.
"When the human brain doesn't receive any blood circulation for four minutes, there's always the danger of a brain damage," Dr. Kadowaki said. She then shook her head subtly. "He had been out--clinically dead!--for five minutes and forty seconds. Frankly, I have never read any medical accounts chronicling someone who had been 'dead' for more than five minutes and got back unscathed. The longest was four minutes and fifty, I think...and even she got partial epilepsy as a result."
Rinoa looked back at Squall, and her lips quivered. The joy she felt a while ago disappeared at what the doctor said. The grip she had on his hand tightened.
"H-he will wake up," Quistis said, looking at Squall's face. Her face was expressionless.
Then, she looked at Rinoa, and her eyes seemed to flutter at the black-haired girl, as if to reassure her. Why she seemed to have felt that, she did not know. A trace of guilt, perhaps? A sense of atonement? "And when he does, he will be fine, Rinny. Just as before. Just believe that he will."
Rinoa's eyes looked at Quistis, glassy and filmy from near tears. She wondered why things must always be so dark, just as when things had suddenly turned bright. She nodded subtly, then looked back at her love.
"Well," Dr. Kadowaki said as she started to go out. "I don't think there's anything more I can do here. The only thing we can do now is wait until he gains consciousness."
When the lady doctor and the medical attendants went out of the room, everything fell silent again. Student heads peered into the room, face full of curiousity, and voices buzzing like so many bees. Irvine glared at them, causing them to shrink away from the door.
Quistis was still standing a few feet away from the bed, and Rinoa was still sitting beside the bed, her right hand holding Squall's right, and her left lovingly brushing his dark brown hair.
"Squall...he would want you to be beside him right now," Rinoa suddenly said, breaking the uneasy silence in the air. She turned to look at the golden-haired former instructor. "Please."
Her voice was soft, almost weary. It seemed as if all that had happened during the day had caught up with her, and she finally gave up and succumbed to everything. Rinoa was tired. That much was evident on her face and her voice.
Quistis, confused, got a metal-backed chair and sat beside Squall's bed, opposite Rinoa. Her eyes never left the sorceress'.
Irvine's eyes shifted from Rinoa to Quistis, narrowing. Weighing things quickly in his mind, he straightened up and cleared his throat. Wrapping his right arm on Selphie, he started to speak. "Uhm, all these excitement has made me hungry. Care for some shake, Sef..?"
Selphie looked up at her boyfriend, visibly surprised. Her mouth started to open up to speak when she caught his eye giving her a strong, meaningful look. It was the look that always said Trust me.
"Y-yeah," she said, agreeing. She had no idea what Irvine had running in that mind of his right now. But she trusted him. "I could go for some Garden salad as well."
Irvine turned to Zell. "Hey, Zell. C'mon. Let's go to the cafeteria."
Zell looked at Irvine blankly. "Uhm...could you just get me a hotdog, Irv? And have them put in extraaahhAAAA--!"
Irvine's grip on Zell's right arm tightened even as he gritted his teeth saying, "Why don't we go TOGETHER?"
Zell's mouth was opened, as if he couldn't close it. "O-o-o-k-kay!"
Irvine gave him an exaggerated smile and they went out of the room. The Galbadian's right hand was wrapped around his girlfriend's shoulder while his left hand was gripping a visibly silent protesting martial artist. The door closed behind them.
Finally, Rinoa and Quistis were alone.
"Rinoa..." Quistis started.
"I'm tired, Quisty," Rinoa interrupted. "Of everything. I couldn't remember when I've cried so much in one day. Maybe the last was when my mother died. And I was so young then, I could hardly remember the pain..."
Quistis remained silent.
"I never thought I could cry so much again," Rinoa continued. "Today...today has been one hell of a red-letter day, hasn't it...?"
Quistis didn't know if that was a rhetorical question she posed, or if she really wanted an answer. Instead, Quistis replied in what she thought was the only logical reply she could say now. "Rinoa, I'm sorry. For what happened between me and Squall..."
At that, Rinoa trembled involuntarily. Quistis continued. There was no sense stopping now.
"I have sinned too much today. I have broken too many trusts, and hearts." Quistis turned to Squall, and she couldn't hold back any more. She reached out and brushed Squall's hair lovingly and softly. She sniffed. "And now...I had almost broken Squall's life as well. Not to mention his mind..."
"No," Rinoa said. "What happened to Squall wasn't your fault. It was mine. If I had only stopped Seifer..."
"What happened?" Quistis asked, then. She just realized that she had no idea what happened.
"Seifer and Squall had a fight...because of me..." Rinoa said. To others, it might have sounded as if she was boasting. But her voice was anything but that. Her voice was full of regret. "I don't know what Seifer was thinking to have done what he did. But whatever his reasons, I could never forgive him. He almost killed Squall. I could never forgive him for that."
"Where is he now?" Quistis asked.
"I don't know. And I don't care," Rinoa said, shaking her head. "He can be in hell, for all I care."
They were silent after that, for a few minutes. Each with their own thoughts. And both looking at the prone figure of the man whom they shared intimacies with; one with his body, and the other with his heart.
Rinoa, in all truth, wanted to feel angry for the woman opposite her now. She wanted to hate her. She could wish for Quistis to die right now, and she knew that she won't be a murderer in mind for thinking so. But surprisingly, she did not feel anything except tiredness. Her heart had ached enough for the day for crying too much, and her eyes had stung and reddened from too much tears. She knew that being angry was the last thing she could ever do right now. Doing so would mean more heart aches, and more tears. Right now, the only thing that mattered was that Squall was alive. No hates anymore. What about forgiveness? She did promise to whoever divine entity was watching over them this marked day that everything would be forgotten and forgiven, if only Squall would be safe. Now that that miracle had been granted, she wondered if she had spoken too soon? She caught glances at the golden-haired woman opposite her who was brushing Squall's hair. Can she ever forgive her?
Quistis, for her part, was thinking if it was fate when she went away just as Squall was on death's throes, while Rinoa was there to be at his side all the time. If it was, then what had it meant? Was her love then just doomed to be unrequited? Was that time they shared that fateful night nothing more than just fancies of destiny? Was it just a momentary game from a fickle god? She refused to believe that something she felt so strongly could be just products from a hormonal interaction with the mood at that time. She knew that she loved Squall. She had come to terms with that. But when she thought about how she wasn't there when Squall needed help, she couldn't help but think that, maybe, she just wasn't the one for him.
She would've been contented if she had been the one to have held Squall as he fell on the ground with the rain. She would've held her peace and acknowledge that it was really Rinoa who Squall loved if only she could've been the last face that he saw. It was not about who was acknowledged to be Squall's woman now, when she thought about it. It was about being there when the one you love with all your soul needed you the most. But that was not what happened. She went away, sitting on that train for Deling while he had been crossing blades with the Garden's most skilled fighter. She was comfortable in that seat, watching the blue sea from below that tunnel, while Squall was watching his blood spray out of his body. She loved him so much, but she had been away, by design or otherwise. It hurt to know that you've loved so much, and yet felt as if fate was against you.
"How much do you love Squall?" Rinoa asked, finally. She turned to look at Quistis.
The question came through unexpectedly as a knife to the ribs.
"W-what?" Quistis asked, visibly surprised at the question.
"I remember what you told me during the Sorceress war," Rinoa said, still in that soft, tired voice. "You said that all you had for Squall was nothing more than a fleeting schoolgirl crush. But I can see from how you stroke his hair right now, and from the way you look at him, that your love for him was greater than that. How much do you love Squall?"
"I-if you really love Squall, Rinoa," Quistis finally replied. "Then you know just how much I feel for him."
"I would have thought as much," Rinoa said. "I...was angry at him, and at you, for what you both did. I thought that...I could turn away and never come back. Maybe just stay at Deling, and forget about you, him, and everyone else. That was how hurt I was. We shared something special during the war. You, me, Squall, Zell...everyone..."
"Rinoa, I..."
"Back when all of you found out about your past in the Orphanage in Trabia Garden, I realized that all of you had been together, and there was a greater bond between all of you," Rinoa continued, not seeming to hear Quistis' interruption. "But...I did not feel left out. Because we have shared so much then. I was the only one who was not with you all in the Orphanage when we were still kids, but listening to all of you reminiscing the past, I couldn't help but feel as if I was there, too."
Quistis held her silence.
"I was thinking, that time, how I would have wished that I was an orphan, too, together with you all. After all, I haven't been that close to my father eversince my mother died. It would've been better of him if he just left me with the orphanage too. Then, I...would've been with Squall sooner. But," Rinoa paused, and then swallowed. "But I realized that you were there with him eversince you were very young. I don't know what to think, anymore. If we were to talk about destinies, I realized that...maybe...you and him..."
Are we thinking the same thing? Quistis realized. Both asking fate?
"Rinoa...Squall...Squall loves you more." That hurt, saying that. It took everything she had not to burst out into tears again. Not that she had any to shed any more, she thought. "I should know. As you said, I had been with him when we were still young. And...I don't think I have seen him look at a woman the same way he looked at you. Rinoa...I would have wished for him to look at me the same way. But he didn't. Even after we...did what we did that night...I thought that it would be different the next day. That he would look at me with that soft look he always gives you. But he didn't. I knew then that...I only got his body, but not his heart."
Quistis bit her lower lip after saying that. Rinoa just looked at her.
"I love him," Quistis continued. "I cannot deny that now. If your love for him is as strong as I think it is, then you know how I feel. But this feeling I have for him amounts to nothing if he doesn't love me back. If...if I would've only seen in his eyes half of the love he felt for you that morning in that cabin, then I would've fought for him. Squall loves you, Rinny. Just you. It was foolish of me to hope otherwise."
Quistis let out a quivering breath, as she looked at Squall's face and touched his cheek lovingly. Then, she swallowed hard. "I...I hope you can make him happy, Rinoa. More than the physical. I...have seen him grow, and I know that he has hurt for too long. And I think he deserves to be genuinely happy from now on. And I think that the only person who can make him be that is you. No one else. Not his friends here. Not me."
Then, she looked at Rinoa. "I envy you for that."
Rinoa just looked back at her.
"And I hope that you can forgive me for what I did," Quistis continued. "I know that it would take me a long time to gain your trust again. But...I am willing to wait, Rinoa. For that day when you will finally say that you forgive me."
"Quisty," Rinoa suddenly said. "I...already forgive you."
Quistis' mouth opened a little at what she heard.
Rinoa sniffed and looked at Squall. "Squall is alive. That is all that matters to me now. Everything else I could care less about. I've already forgiven you. I realized that after everything that has happened, we have to do something that's good, don't you think?
"You betrayed me. But events as of late has made me realize that all of us are just betrayers one time or the other. Much as I hate to admit it, Seifer showed me that. And I, at least, know the guilt that you carried. I realized that Squall's life was put in danger because of a betrayal I made. Betrayer asking forgiveness from a betrayer. Isn't life grand? Can you fault me for forgiving you, if only to ease this guilt from myself? And I realized that you, at least, have suffered too much already. I...thank you for saying what you said about Squall loving only me. I don't know if you said that to console me, or if that was your way of saying you give up. But I, at least, know that you're sincere. So I forgive you."
Quistis' lips quivered. "Thank you." It was barely a whisper.
"But I don't think my trust for you now is the same as before," Rinoa suddenly added. "You were right. It would take a long time for me to trust you again. I held you close, and you stabbed me in the back. It would be naive of me to trust you as freely again."
Quistis lowered her head, receiving the words Rinoa said to her without objection. Those were like flying razors hitting her skin. Every word was a knife that skewered her heart. But she did not defend herself. In her mind, it was the least she could do to atone for everything.
She watched Squall's chest softly rise and fall. His breathing had gone back to normal. The colors of his cheeks were starting to come back now, and so were his lips which used to be bluish from lack of oxygen. Absentmindedly, her fingers brushed those cheeks, feeling her thumb run through the contours of his facial structure, and then to that scar which made him look even more unique. And when her thumb fell softly on his lips, she couldn't stand it anymore and stood up. She held back that familiar feeling of lump on her throat.
With that movement, Rinoa looked at the former instructor. Her face was still guarded and expressionless. But her eyes were asking a question.
Quistis started to walk away. After two steps, she stopped. She hesitated, as if turning around. In the end, she just turned sideways, and looked at her dark-haired companion. How she wished she could still call her a 'close friend' without hesitation. But she knew that that would come, if she'd just be patient. In time, maybe Rinoa would learn to trust her as she used to. Maybe, if she would just wait, Rinoa would smile at her sincerely and tell her that everything has been fully forgiven. Maybe.
"The only thing I want is for Squall to be well, and happy." Quistis said. "I love him, as a boy, as a student, and as a man. I have always loved him, and I have tried to get through that cold shell he had encased around himself for a long time now. But only you managed to fully warm him. Only you had managed to make him feel the wonderful joy of genuinely smiling. And only you had made him fully love someone again. Rinny, please...whatever happens, be with him always. He needs you. He has always needed you."
With that, Quistis walked towards the door and finally went outside. The last thing Rinoa heard was the resounding click of the door, and then silence.
Outside, Quistis let out a deep breath and leaned heavily on the door. She had been trying to maintain a semblance of composure and calmness inside the ICU room. She had to show to Rinoa that she had gotten over everything, and that she was prepared for anything Rinoa might say. She had to show her how sorry she had been, when she apologized. It had been her way of strengthening herself, as well.
Now, however, she was out of the room. And suddenly, she put her hands on her face and burst out into tears. She had just realized what she had done. She had just finally given up Squall to Rinoa.
When Xu heard that her best friend had returned together with the two SeeDs, she immediately excused herself from the meeting going on in Cid's office and immediately headed towards the elevator and pressed the button to the main floor. She knew only too well where she would find her.
It turned out that she didn't have to go far, after all. Right before she was to turn the corridor which led to the medical facility of the Garden, she spied the familiar golden hair and beautiful face of her long-time friend. She was quite surprised to find her walking in these halls in an entirely casual attire, however, what with her gold hair tied to a ponytail and that loose pink sweatshirt. And it looked like she was crying, or had just cried.
Immediately, she ran to her, arms outstretched.
"Quisty!" Xu exclaimed, visibly relieved, as she embraced her friend tightly. Quistis buried her chin on her friend's shoulder, hugging her friend back with as much passion.
"Xu..."
Letting go, Xu held her friend at an arm's length, and studied her. She was right. She had just cried. Quistis noticed Xu frowning a bit, no doubt concerned, and she hastily wiped away residual tears from her cheek. Quistis tried to give her friend a reassuring smile.
"I can't believe you..." Xu shook her head, closing her eyes empathically. "Why did you quit? For the love of Hyne, Quisty! You can't quit!"
"I...I just did, Xu..." Quisty said. Her eyebrows were lowered in that subtle sad look.
"And what was this?" Xu said, frowning. She held up the letter Quistis left for her. "Is this the extent of what our friendship has been? Just a letter telling me when you'll go away? Damn it, Quisty! You could have at least told this to me face to face! Not an expressionless piece of stationery paper!"
Quistis lowered her head. Her hands were wrenching the front of her extra-large sweatshirt anxiously. Xu had never been one to get angry easily. But now, she thought she could hear a touch of anger in her voice. And a considerable amount of pain and hurt. "I-I'm sorry..."
"You're damn right to be sorry!" Xu said, crossing her arms. Then, her frown disappeared amd her face softened reproachfully. "Look, Quisty...look at me."
Quistis looked up sadly to face her friend.
"For years, you have always confided in me," Xu said. "All your problems, and all your secrets. Has that trust gone away?"
"No!" Quistis said. "Xu, you know I still consider you my closest friend. But there are things which we just have to keep for ourselves. Please understand that!"
"What I don't understand," Xu said. "Is why you had to go away without telling me personally. Where you were headed. What your reason was. Quisty, what could be so painful that you had to keep it all to yourself?"
"I'm sorry, but it's too personal to tell anyone right now, Xu," Quisty said. "Even you. The fact is....Rinoa and I had a fight concerning Squall. She got extremely jealous, and..."
"...she slapped you in front of your class," Xu finished.
Quistis' eyes widened. "Y-you knew?"
"Yes," Xu said. "But what did you do for her to bristle in anger like that? Everyone knows that Rinoa's not the kind to get hysterically angry at anyone, much less a friend of hers."
Quistis remained silent. How could she tell her that she wasn't sure if she was even worthy of the title 'friend' anymore? She unconsciously held her left arm with her hand, rubbing it up and down.
"Rinoa and I just talked," Quistis said, evading the question. "And she said that she forgave me. Hyne, Xu...if you only knew how many trusts I've destroyed the past few days, I doubt if you'll trust me enough anymore..."
"If you won't tell me, Quisty, maybe I won't..." Xu said.
At that, Quistis looked straight into her best friend's eyes. "Oh no! Please Xu! I...I will tell you soon...I just don't know when...or how...but..Xu...please...I need you more th--"
Xu smiled and reached out to hug her friend again, softly patting her consolingly in the back. "Don't be silly, you fool! Of course I'll always trust you. I'll wait until you're ready."
It took the brown-haired Instructor a moment to realize that her friend was crying then. She let go again, and looked sympathetically with her friend. Taking out a clean blue handkerchief, she handed it to her friend. "Here. Hyne, Quisty. I don't think I've ever seen you as emotionally wrecked before."
Quistis wiped away tears from her eyes with the handkerchief. Then, she just remembered where she was about to head in the first place. "Xu? W-where is Seifer?"
"Seifer?!" Xu asked, visibly surprised at that question. "Why are you looking for Seifer?"
"I just need to ask him a few questions," Quistis said. "About why he did that to Squall."
Xu turned silent for a moment, looking down hesitatingly.
"Xu?" Quistis asked again.
"S-Seifer's in the Garden holding area," Xu said. "Listen, Quisty...I need to tell you something..."
"About?"
"I...know that Seifer's one of your students...I mean former students, and that you've grown quite 'attached' to him teacher-wise," Xu said. "And I remember you telling me that whatever happens, you will try and help Seifer curb his authority and disciplinary problem..."
"Xu," Quistis said. "That's part of the reason why I had to talk to him. I know how much of a pain Seifer was, but he was never one to seriously injure someone to the point of killing him. I had to ask him why he did that now."
"Quisty," Xu said. "The board of Instructors has decided..."
Quistis waited for her friend to continue. Xu looked at her friend. There was visible hesitation in her eyes. She debated on whether she would tell Quistis this. She knew only full well that Quistis took it upon herself to be the one to help Seifer curb his errant ways.
Quistis had been pretty much patient with Seifer where most of the Instructors had already pretty much ripped out their hair in frustration. Maybe it was the recently known fact that they had grown up together in that Orphanage managed by Cid's wife. In any case, Quistis took special notice of Seifer from among her students now.
And now, she didn't know how to tell her this. She drew a deep breath before proceeding. "They have decided to charge him with Article 89."
Quistis gasped. "A-article 89?! The maximum penalty? Execution?!"
Xu nodded.
"That's ridiculous!" Quistis almost shouted. She was trembling. "Nobody in the history of the Garden has been charged with such extreme measure before!"
"They said he betrayed the Garden, and called him a traitor for what happened to Squall," Xu said. Her face was torn. She was about to say something more when Quistis interrupted her.
"But even treason doesn't call for such a punishment! Look at what he did during the Sorceress war! That was technically treason, and he wasn't charged with execution!"
"T-there was also something else," Xu said. She hesitated, and then continued. "One that mandated death. They have also charged him with murder. Of a respected Garden commander. Squall."
