Chap.10 - Something Called Heartache



Opening her eyes slowly, Yukari blinked in the morning light. Where was she? She felt disoriented and confused. Was she on Gaea? Staring around, she realized, with elated joy, as well as numb pain, that she was in her room. Her own room, on Earth. Yukari stared around at the oh-so-familiar furniture.

The door opened, and her mom burst in.

"Yukari! Get up! School!" She was a wave of motion, picking up the stray articles of clothing, bouncing around the room, dragging Yukari out of bed. Yukari could only stare, dumbfounded. What day was it? She'd been gone, in Gaea, for at least 3 months. That much seh was very sure of.

"Mom.." Yukari said softly. Her mom paused, shoving a shirt into the drawer.

"Yukari, you're late! Come on, lets get a move on. You've really gotta clean this pigsty up...why, what's wrong?" Mrs.Uchida paused, seeing Yukari. Yukari was looking hard at her mother, her eyes memorizing every feature. She hadn't thought of it much, but now Yukari realized how much she'd missed her mom during her stay on Gaea. Tears leaked out from her eyes, and she brushed them away, blushing. She laughed, but the tears continued to come.

"Mom, I just...I don't know." She said. Mrs.Uchida approached her daughter, and wrapped her arms around her.

"Aww, my baby. What's wrong?"

Yukari shook her head, feeling warm and loved in her mother's hold. "Nothing, mom. I just...I just had a dream." She backed away, wiping the tears away. Mrs.Uchida smiled kindly down at her daughter.

"Well, you better get up."

Yukari nodded, then froze.

"Mom,"

"Yes, hun?"

"What day is it?"

"Why, its April 27th."

Yukari paled. April 27th, a Thursday. Tomorrow, Agnes would call to invite her to Raxx Hangar, where she would get drunk and be transported to Gaea. It would all happen tomorrow. Would it all happen again? Had she gone back in time? A dread filled Yukari, perhaps Allen and Millerna and Gaea...perhaps she'd never been there. Perhaps, they wouldn't know her. A sudden loneliness crept over her. Yukari wanted to crawl back into her familiar bed, and hide there, from the pain and the shadows.

~***~

Oh my god, I think...I think I went back in time. Because it all happens tomorrow...April 28th, I go to Raxx with Agnes, and Evan...and I meet that jerk, in the alleyway. And I go to Gaea. That all happens tomorrow..

how can this be?

Does this mean, I was never on Gaea? Does this mean, everything I've been through, the last 3 months for me...never happened?

Oh god...Allen, will Allen know me?

painful sigh How will I bear it...if everything that happened to me, never happened..How can I go on, living with that knowledge, yet knowing that no one else remembers..or experienced what I did.

This is so strange...so...lonely....

Hitomi! I have to speak to Hitomi!

~***~

"Bye mom!" Yukari called, racing down the stairs, and out the door. She had a million questions, and she knew, somehow, that Hitomi could answer, at least some of them.

"Hitomi! Hitomi!" Yukari called, seeing Hitomi walking down the street towards their school. Yukari almost froze at the sight of her. She'd forgotten how very sad Hitomi had been, before she'd left for Gaea. Somehow, during her long stay in Gaea, she'd remembered Hitomi as the vibrant, energetic person she had been, rather than the sad, somber girl she had become. Perhaps it was the way that Van and Allen all seemed to remember her as well. Hitomi's green eyes were dull, and they held little emotion. It was like some part of her had been lost. Maybe some part had been left behind, thought Yukari, and inadvertently glanced up in the sky. Perhaps a part of herself had been left up there as well, a part of her heart maybe...

"Hitomi." Yukari drew up beside her best friend.

"Hi Yukari." Hitomi managed a thin smile. Yukari wanted to burst out with the news, she wanted to shout it out to her Hitomi, that she understood, that she knew how she felt. She wanted to run and jump and hug Hitomi, and then Hitomi wouldn't look so goddamn sad! But Yukari couldn't say anything....how do tell someone, something that has affected them so much? Yukari found her feelings hard to put into words.

"Umm..Hitomi.." Yukari managed. On Gaea, she'd imagined everything she'd tell Hitomi when she saw her. She had memorized an entire speech, editing it, writing it...she'd planned the perfect talk. But now, it all seemed to escape her. "Hitomi..I...I have to tell you something."

Hitomi paused, and looked at Yukari. Yukari glanced bleakly back at her best friend. Hitomi's eyes narrowed,

"What?"

Yukari sighed,

"Hitomi, you don't have to be so sad."

Hitomi looked away, "I've told you a thousand times, I'm fine Yukari. You can quit worrying about me. I just haven't been feeling.."

"No, no, that's not what I mean." Yukari brushed Hitomi's words away quickly. Yukari sighed, "What I meant is, you don't have to be sad because...Van is thinking about you too. He...said he loved you very much. So...you don't have to be sad, because, he misses you too." Yukari glanced up slowly at Hitomi.

Hitomi's green eyes were bright, and they stared at Yukari. She was frozen, her mouth hanging open in surprise. Emotions flitted across her face like butterflies, barely registering before another emotion surfaced. Pain, surprise, love, pain and realization, all barely there, yet just under the surface. Hitomi stared at her best friend. Suddenly, she reached out and grabbed Yukari's hand. She set off in one of her record-breaking sprints, with Yukari flailing behind her.

They reached the track behind the school. Classes had already started, and it was empty. School was the last thing on their minds. Hitomi stopped, standing at the edge of the track. She was barely winded. Yukari, on the other hand, gasped and heaved behind her.

"Hitomi.." She said softly. Hitomi didn't turn. A wind came, and Hitomi's auburn hair rustled in the wind.

"You know, Yukari. I dreamed this, I really did. I think....I almost remember what it was about, but then I forget, just when I get it." Hitomi turned to look at Yukari. "But, I know you were in the dream, you were in Gaea."

Yukari nodded slowly. Hitomi glanced up at the sky, "Tell me everything." She commanded. Yukari smiled.

And so, they sat on the soft grass in the center of the track and Yukari retold her entire adventure on Gaea.

And in return, Hitomi told Yukari her experiences.

Yukari could only stare, and a new light began to shine on her best friend.

When Hitomi finished speaking, Yukari's eyes were filled with tears. It was like being on Gaea all over again, only seeing it all through different eyes. Her heart clenched, and she had an overwhelming feeling to just go back to Gaea.

Wordless, Hitomi wrapped her arms around Yukari, letting her know that she felt her pain.

"Oh god, Yukari, you have no idea how I felt, when I got back. It was like...like the world had crashed around my feet, and no one understood."

Yukari let the tears come out slowly. She hugged Hitomi fiercely, her best friend. "You should've told me."

Hitomi sat back, and gazed at Yukari with soft green eyes that suddenly seemed filled with expression, "Would you have believed me?"

Yukari looked away, unsure.

They sat there, for the better part of the day, hardly caring about their surroundings. Yukari smiled, it felt good that she could share her secret with Hitomi. And she could tell that Hitomi was relieved to let it out as well.

Yukari was surprised to see the sky darkening.

"We skipped school."

"Yeah." Hitomi hardly seemed to care. She started to say something, then paused and looked at Yukari. "Yukari,"

"Hmm?"

"Would you give up your life...here, to go back?"

Yukari froze. Would she? How could she answer, when she herself didn't even know the answer to it.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

Millerna was informed by one of the attendants, that Allen Schezar hadn't been feeling well lately. She suspected that Yukari's sudden disappearance had more than just a little to do with it. Standing in front of his door, she paused, her hand frozen in its action of knocking. What was she to say to the man she loved, whom loved another?

The door opened. A look of surprise came over Allen's handsome features.

"Princess Millerna,"

Millerna gazed at the Heavenly Knight and was surprised to find him so...withered. He looked in a sorry state. He'd grown thin, his eyes lacked luster, and there were dark bags under his eyes. And his beautiful golden hair was gone. Cut all off. It now hung short about his ears. All this since the She left, just a few days ago.

"Allen! Your...your hair!"

Allen reached up, his fingers going through the golden strands.

"What? Don't you like it?"

"Umm..yeah. But Allen.."

Allen looked away. His cheeks seemed so hollow, so gaunt. What had happened to the proud, strong knight that had once stolen her heart?

"Can I come in?" Millerna asked. Allen nodded, and opened the door wider. The room was dark, the curtains kept the sunlight out, filtering in only the brightest rays. Millerna sat in the central common room. Allen's quarters were large and spacious, consisting of a main room, that branched off into his sleeping quarters, dressing room and bathing area.

Allen collapsed into a seat opposite her. He sat erect though, never forgetting his manners and knightly conduct.

"You can relax, Allen. Now, we are but friends, conversing." Millerna spoke archly, but her heart wept with the knight. Allen relaxed, almost visibly.

"You must forgive, princess, for I have slept little."

Millerna nodded, "Perhaps because of the girl?"

Allen avoided her gaze. He stared out the window, and Millerna couldn't mistake the fact that his eyes traveled instantly up to the mystic moon that hung in the sky.

"Allen.."

His bright blue eyes traveled to hers, and suddenly, he reminded her of a broken angel.

"Allen...." Millerna fumbled for the words that were to make him feel better. The words that were to drag him out of this depression, and back into life. She ached with sadness to see the man that had once been a hero, in such a pathetic state. It was sad, what love did. "..you have to get over her." Millerna said softly.

Allen laughed bitterly. Millerna leaned forward earnestly.

"Allen, I'm serious, you...your wasting away! You..you used to be so...bright. Like a beacon to all the other knights. You were the epitome of a perfect knight, and now look at yourself Allen. You lay in your room, unwilling to speak to anyone and all you do is stare out the window at a girl that...well, frankly lives only in your mind."

"She is up there!" Allen's eyes flashed, the first true emotion he'd shown in days.

Millerna sighed, and gazed up at the moon. Who knew where she was. Who knew what kind of world she lived in up there.

"You have to get on with your life."

Allen turned away.

Millerna stood, suddenly angry. "Allen Schezar, I order you to get back to your duties as a knight!" She pointed at him.

Allen narrowed his eyes.

"Millerna, you can't do anything about this...."

"Allen!" Her eyes flashed. "I can and I will!"

"What do you know..." He muttered, turning away darkly.

Millerna was shocked. This...this was utter and total disrespect. That was unlike Allen Schezar, it made her wonder if perhaps he'd been switched with someone else.

"Allen!! I.." Her face grew hard. The truth hurt. What did she know? This thing of love. She'd loved Allen, with all her heart, she'd loved him. And now, here he was, wasting away for love another. And he was telling her that she knew nothing of heartache! Her fists clenched angrily. "I know, more of heartache, than you could ever possibly understand!" She said, softly. Allen looked up at her, his eyes as shocked as she had been.

"Millerna! I'm...I'm so sorry." He rushed towards her and grabbed her hands. She pulled away from him, tears filling her eyes.

"Get away from me." She whispered hoarsely. With a muffled sob, she took flight and ran out of the room.

Allen stared after her, his heart racing. Oh god, he thought. What had he just done. Everything inside of him felt cold and empty. What did she do to him?

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

Van glanced around the banquet table, where King Aston, Millerna, Eries, Allen and several other court members sat. Other tables surrounded them, filled with other royalties. The festivities that Aston was holding for the royalties of surrounding kingdoms was near ending.

He picked at his food. There was no doubt it was delicious. But the tension around the table was difficult to bear. Van knew that the disappearance of Yukari, was the cause behind everything. Or perhaps, it was the arrival. He wasn't sure. What he did know, was that Allen sat glumly, a scowl permanently on his face.. He sat silently, barely raising his eyes. Millerna stonily ignored him and didn't even cast a glance in his direction. Aston, seated between the two, tried to make conversation, which was politely and gently rebuffed. He seemed at ends as to what to do. Van had long ago given up any sort of conversation or amiability at the table. Instead, he faced his food, and willed that Yukari return to set Allen back to normal.

"Well! That was some good chicken!" Aston patted his belly, his face forcing a smile. "Hehehehe.." His laugh died. "Perhaps more chicken!" He glanced from Millerna's stony expression, to Allen's down turned face.

As a merchant and king, Aston was stern with little dalliance in matters not important. He could be considered somewhat cold-blooded when it came to money, and more than a little greedy. But when it came to his daughters, whom he loved very much, he didn't seem to have a clue.

Aston raised his hand for an attendant. "More chicken."

Eries played nervously with her napkin. She was seated next to Van, across from Allen.

"Hmm..the political waters with Zaibach these days are quite good."

Aston nodded vigorously, shoving chicken into his mouth, happy to grasp onto any sort of conversation at all.

"Yes yes! Umm...what about you, Allen Schezar. What do you think?"

Allen glanced up darkly, then went back to his food. "I don't know what to think, Your Majesty."

"Of course, because she isn't here to do your thinking for you!." Millerna snapped. Allen flushed and swallowed whatever comment was on the tip of his tongue. Aston played nervously with his knife and fork, then returned to his meal. Allen seemed to be fighting down some sort of emotion. Finally, he succumbed to the temptation,

"Quite right.." He said tartly, quite aware of the reaction it would cause in the princess.

Millerna's fists clenched around the knife, and Van prepared to jump to his friend's rescue lest she decide to stab him. But why should I? Van thought wryly, he's being a pain in my ass these days as well. Its me that should be mad at him for that Hitomi incident, not the other way around!

Weeks had passed since Yukari had left, and things had only gotten worse. Allen, although having resumed his royal duties, still remained cold and silent. A wall grew around him to keep others out. Millerna had been upset, then angry, and now alternated between the two. Van had tried speaking to Allen, only to be yelled at for being nosy. He now stayed in his own corner, nursing his own wounds and wondering how things had gotten as they had. Eries didn't really seem to care much, thinking everything would blow over, and Aston, who really was the scapegoat of it all, took the anger of everyone and more or less tried to make things better.

If only Yukari would return, so that Allen would stop his sulky mood, apologize to Millerna, then Millerna would stop making life difficult for everyone at court.

Van had half a mind to return to his Fanelia that very night.

Millerna, her eyes firing imaginary daggers that physically would've hurt anyone less sulky, glared at Allen, her dinner forgotten. Allen avoided her gaze, and continued to shovel piece after peice of chicken into his mouth, seemingly to have forgotten about her. This only seemed to make Millerna even angrier.

"You.." Millerna started to form a long series of rebukes and taunts, when Allen suddenly pushed his chair away from the table. He stood abruptly, tilting his head towards the king.

"Your Majesty, may I be excused?"

Aston stared dumbfounded at the both of them. "Um..uh..sp...but.." He caught Millerna's glare and flushed. Eries kicked him, hard, under the table. "Yes, yes go on." He waved his hand. Allen nodded his head politely, then strode away, his golden hair brushing his ears at each stride. Millerna turned her daggers to her father, who seemed to shrink a few feet. It was Eries that came to her father's rescue.

"Come now, we can have a good dinner." She chewed a carrot complacently. Millerna, her fists clenched around her utensils, stood suddenly, her chair scraping loud on the florr.

"Spare me." She said, her voice poisonous, and she left the room, her anger creating waves in the dining hall.

Van stared around the almost empty table. Eries continued eating calmly. Aston was just as shocked and surprised as Van. Eries looked Van in the eye,

"You wanna follow, hmm?"

Van opened his mouth, then closed it again. It was no use. With a deep sigh, he sank back into his chair. He resigned to the chore of eating and continueing a meal that had been irreversibly ruined.



Later that night, Van retired early from the evening entertainments. They had proved rather dull. Instead, he went in search of Allen.

He came upon Millerna instead, as he was wandering in the gardens. The moon was out, and very bright. Millerna sat on a stone bench, facing out to the ocean. Her golden hair seemed to glow in the moonlight. He approached and sat next to her on the bench, his eyes travelling up to the moon. Millerna sighed, but said nothing. They sat in silence, wrapped in their own thoughts. Finally, she spoke,

"If you think I'm to apologize to him, your wrong. I'm not about to even consider it."

Van shook his head, "Oh no, thought never crossed my mind."

"Hmm." Her eyes also seemed to travel upwards, towards that faraway place. Her expression odd, a mixture of joy and pain, sadness and happiness. Most of all, she seemed...puzzled.

"Father wants me to marry. For the kingdom, he says."

Van glanced sideways at the young princess. He'd grown closer to her, somehow. It was almost like their equally painful situations drew them together. Millerna didn't seem to expect any sort of answer from him, for that, Van was thankful. He wasn't much the talking type.

"But..I keep hanging on to this notion that I should marry for love, not for political or monetary matters." Millerna glanced down at her folded hands. "I keep hoping. Why am I so stupid?" She glanced up. Van noticed that the shine in her eyes were not caused by happiness. Tears rolled down her face like crystals. Even the richest, most beautiful princesses of this world, have problems of the heart.

"Your not stupid." Van said softly.

Millerna laughed bitterly. "No?" She was silent for a while. Suddenly, her expression became whimsical. "We do we always love the wrong person? Everyone loves someone, who loves someone else, or cannot love at all. It can only end in heartbreak."

"Millerna.."

Millerna suddenly smiled wryly, "I will be okay."

Van turned and faced the princess of Asturia. "Will you?"

She nodded, her hand going up to dry her eyes. She smiled again, this time it was genuine. A real smile from the heart.

"The only sadness I feel, is that Allen Shezar, my Heavenly Knight, is slowly slipping away from me." Her eyes grew troubled. "Everyday, he slips just a little more in insanity, just a little more over the edge. Did you know, Van, that he was muttering about flying that damned ship of his to the mystic moon? He even spoke to Gadeth about it!" Millerna sighed, her eyes darks. She looked down at her hands, she shoulders slumped. "I am ends as to what to do. He..he locks himself up there, in that dark room of his, and just stares up at the sky and dreams of ways to get there. I cannot bear to seem him like this! I'd rather him in her arms than like this!" Millerna gazed at Van.

Van turned away. He sighed. He knew it was only truth. But he too had seen his friend slowly slipping away from reality.

"He will not speak to me." He said finally, his tone defeated as well.

Millerna threw her hands down, her eyes shut. She seemed on the verge of tears. No wonder she'd been so angry. Not because of jealousy, but because of love. Love for the man that had epitomized the Knight in every virtue and way.

"It makes me want to cry, to think of what he was, and then what he shall be if he continues down the path he has suddenly taken. Father will not stand much more of this." Millerna looked bleak.

Van placed a hand, somewhat uncertainly, on her shoulder,

"Allen will come around." He laughed mirthlessly, "I did."

Millerna didn't respond.

Slowly, his eyes traveled up to that moon again.

They sat, in anguish, yet with a calming peace, watching the moon as it travelled across the horizon.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

Yukari stared to the front, the teacher drawled on about chemistry. She could care less. Next to her, Amano was scribbling away at notes. Her head lay propped up on her arm, staring glumly at more or less nothing. Nearly three days had gone by since she'd come back. It all felt like a dream to be back. It was like she was hoping to wake up from reality, to be back on Gaea. Was that a bad sign?

~***~

sigh And its back to my life...

But this is what I want! At least...I think it is. Yes, I wanted my life back. I wanted my friends, Hitomi, Amano, and my family. That's what I chose, I had the choice and I chose this..

Why does my heart ache so?

I think of Allen, I think of him as I saw him, that last night in the courtyard. The moon shining on his hair, he looked like an angel. That memory I will keep with me forever. Even when I'm old and withered, and my memory of Gaea has faded..Allen, I will never forget.

Perhaps that is how it is like with Hitomi..

..there really is no solution for this ill-fated love is there?

~***~

"Hey Yukari! Dreamin on me again?" Amano snapped his fingers in her face, trying to get her out of her thoughts. Yukari smacked his hand away.

"What?" She asked, more than a little annoyed.

Amano looked away, somewhat angry himself. For the past few days, she'd been moody, silent and entirely no fun to be with. Almost like how Hitomi had become..... Amano shook his head, was she on some sort of Xtasy? He almost opened his mouth to ask her, when the bell rang. Yukari gazed at him, her deep brown eyes dark.

"What Amano?"

Amano glanced sideways, "Nothing." He muttered. Yukari gave him another Look, then shrugged and stood, starting to leave. Amano blinked. The old Yukari would've sensed something wrong, the old Yukari would've been persistent in finding the problem and solving it. That was what she'd always done. He placed a hand on her arm, and stopped her.

"Wait! Yukari."

She turned,

"Yes?"

"I just.." He trailed off. He could see Hitomi in the far distance, trudging along with her books in tow. She still seemed so sad, only now, that sadness had grown into a wall about her. Amano was pained to see Yukari following the same path. "I'm worried, Yukari."

Yukari's eyes brightened, and for a moment, the old, cheerful Yukari was back. She laughed shortly. "Of what?!"

"You!"

"Me?! What's wrong with me!"

Amano sighed, and rolled his eyes, "Please, Yukari, you've been so strange lately. Like...like Hitomi had been. Only now..so are you. Like all distant and shit."

"I have not!"

"No? Then explain why you never wanna do anything anymore?"

"I'm just tired!" Yukari looked at him defensively, not wanting to admit, mostly to herself, that in truth, she really was acting strange. "I've had a lot of work lately."

"Oh yeah?" Amano persisted, "Then explain just trailing off in the middle of sentences, explain why you just zone out in the middle of classes, explain why your constantly staring up at the freakin' sky!"

Yukari flushed deeply. She finally realized how very annoying had been to Hitomi, to have someone pestering you constantly, even if it was out of concern for you. She held back the rude comment she had felt boiling up in her. Sighing, she shifted her books to her other arm.

"Amano, I'm fine." She said firmly.

"Yukari.."

She raised a hand to stop him. "Just listen." She sighed, and was glad that school was over, suddenly. Why did life back at home, seem so grey and dismal? It was like all the colour had been left back on Gaea, and only the blacks and the whites were here. "I've been tired lately, and..you know, trying to speak to Hitomi and all. Its taxing."

Amano was silent, looking deep into her eyes. Yukari had always had innocent eyes. Eyes that told the truth and nothing but the truth. And now was no different. Her dark eyes flitted away from his, scanning everything but him. Amano knew that it was something more, just as he had known for Hitomi. It hurt, to know that she too, was drifting farther and farther out of his reach. But what good would it do to pursue it? Maybe..just maybe, someday, Yukari would trust him enough to tell him whatever it was the bothered her so much.

"Alright, Yukari." He backed away. Sighing again, one hand reached up to catch a strand of her silky dark hair. "That's okay." He said softly. Then he turned, and left quickly. Yukari watched him go, her eyes sad. She knew, yes, she knew exactly how Hitomi had felt.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

Allen wiped an arm over his face, clearing the grease and the grime. It helped little. The heat was unbearable in the ship's inner mechanical parts and it was hot and stifling. Allen studied the alterations he had made with a short burst of pride.

He was fixing his levaship so that it could be manned by only two people, as well as gain the altitude it needed to fly higher, much higher. He told himself that it was just so that other levaships could also be improved, so that less men would be needed to man the heavy, clumsy ships. But inside, he knew that it was mostly a lie. H was doing this....for Her. For himself.

Shaking his head, Allen was thankful that his hair was short and light. He brushed a hand through the short golden strands. Standing, his knees cracked. He groaned slightly. After hours bent on his knees, they didn't' seem to work anymore. I'm not young anymore, he htought bitterly. Bones hurt when one grows old.

He sat in the pilot's seat, and hooked his arms through the various straps and controls that he had altercated to work with one man. One man would fly this levaship, one man had to fly this levaship. He couldn't risk taking anymore men.

The engine roared to life, the levastones flaring up with power. Every single part of him seemed to control some part of the ship's complex maneuvering systems. What normally took close to ten men to operate, had only one now.

"Well, here she goes." Allen muttered.

The ship rocked. Slowly, Allen twisted his leg, making the ship move forward slowly. His arm rose, and altitude was gained slightly. He grinned, at least this time, the ship had actually left the ground. It climbed slowly, Allen's arm, left leg and head controlling the altitude and speed slowly. The ship rocked slightly, as his head slipped, and the ship dipped under.

"Whoa!" Allen exclaimed, and quickly readjusted his position. The ship stabilized, but only a bit. A gust of wind blew by, a westwind. The ship rocked back and forth, threatening to fall out of the sky. Allen fought for control, his mind going blank as to which limb controlled what. The ship started falling, and Allen began to panic.

Just as the levaship crashed into the field below, Allen yanked on the strap attached to his right ankle. The ship screeched along the grassed field, and skidded to a halting stop. Allen was frozen in place, hardly daring to move a limb lest the ship roar to life again.

Jumping out, he undid the straps carefully and turned off the engine. He looked over at the screen in the corner, and narrowed his eyes in disgust.

"50 meters!" He stared in disbelief at the numbers indicated on the altitude meter. All that work, and only 5 meters higher!! 50 meters wouldn't clear him of the mountains over the horizon, much less bring him to the mystic moon!!

There..he'd admitted it. Admitted it to the air around him, as well as to himself. He was altering the levaship to carry him to the mystic moon. How could he just leave her there? He ached every time he simply thought of her, every time her name was mentioned, his heart wrung like a wet cloth. Nearly a month since she'd been gone, and he couldn't live a moment without the thought of her soft lips, her deep, dark eyes, her silken hair.

Allen leaned on the shelf, his head suddenly feeling very heavy. How long would this take! It had taken him days to do the alterations, and he had gained but 5 meters! It would take a lifetime to get him to the mystic moon. And a lifetime he really didn't have. At that moment, Allen suddenly felt old, old and tired.

Leaving the ship's cabin, his eyes squinted in the bright sunlight. He'd been in this field since early morning, and had been working for a full week straight. Returning only to the castle for meals and showers, he had even slept out here. Turning to look at the ship, he inspected the front. A large crack extended from the hull, where the ship had landed roughly. Allen's heart sank. It would take days to fix that. His teeth clenched, and the muscles in his jaw rippled angrily.

"ARGH!!" He yelled suddenly, and kicked the ship, hard. His foot resounded back in a flash of pain. He groaned and hopped around a few times, holding his foot in pain. He'd forgotten he wasn't wearing the heavy leather boots, because of the heat.

"Dammit!" He grunted, and stared into the waving long grass. His vision blurred slightly. He couldn't even inflict pain on himself right. The frustration near drove him mad. Grabbing fist fulls of grass in his hands, he ripped them up from the roots.

"Goddammit!" He yelled, and pulled another fistfull.

It felt good, to release that long pent-up frustration, anger and pain. It was like sweet release, a shot to the trigger.

"Allen!" A voice called out behind him. It was sharp, and surprised.

Allen paused in the middle of another fistful of grass. He turned slowly, to an open-mouthed Van. Allen straightened, and quickly brushed his disheveled hair out of his face.

"Oh! umm..ahem..uhh, Van!" Allen brushed off the grass bits on his tunic. He put on a fake smile, a flush hidden just under the surface. He hated that Van had caught him in such a private moment.

"Allen," Van swallowed, and stared at the ground, obviously embarrassed as well as having intruded on the knight's private moment. "Umm.well, I saw the levaship floundering, and uhh..decided to check it out." Van explained, hesitantly.

"Ahh.." Allen looked back at the ship. "Yes. It..uh..doesn't work too well yet."

Van nodded, and gazed at the ship. He looked at the grime-streaked, tired knight.

"You plan on flying this thing all on your own?" Van asked dubiously.

Allen nodded wordlessly.

"You've got to be kidding me." Van said, then laughed. "You're joking, right?" His eyes searched Allen's for some sort of mirth. He found none. Allen's gaze was serious. He looked away.

"I'm glad you find it funny." He said tonelessly.

"Allen..this is...this is absolutely ludicrous!" Van crossed the distance between them and laid a hand on Allen's shoulder. Allen shrugged it away, and approached the levaship. He laid a hand on the crack in the hull,

"It's the only way." He said. His voice wavered slightly, its hidden emotion and held back pain barely noticeable. But Van heard it, heard it as loud as if Allen had proclaimed his emotions. He knew, because he understood.

"Oh Allen.." Van said softly, unsure of how to say the words. He wasn't much for the comforting talk type. "You..you can't keep doing this!" He said suddenly.

"Doing what?" Allen said softly. He was drooped against the hull of the ship, his blonde hair waving in the wind. His back faced Van, but it was seemed stooped with troubles and sorrows. He seemed to have aged. He sighed, and his shoulders drooped even further. "I cannot bear it."

Van gazed at the ground. His heart beat quickly, the pain seemed to intensify in him. The pain that had buried itself deep into his heart, resurfaced once more at the reminder of what it felt like.

"There are other ways to take your mind off her."

"I cannot take my mind away from her!" Allen turned suddenly, his blue eyes dark and pained. "A minute does not go by in which I do not think of her! Each breath I take is a reminder of her!" He strode angrily and pulled more fistfuls of grass out of the earth. The grass scattered in the wind. Allen's jaw clenched angrily. "Why does she do this to me?"

"It's their power." Van replied helplessly, suddenly wanting to grab a fistful of grass himself. Allen glanced at him, his face suddenly bleak.

"I have to go there Van. Don't you understand? I have to tell her." He seemed so helpless, so unlike the golden knight. "I feel like I shall burst if I do not tell her. And every minute that passes, it just gets worse. This feeling inside of me. It galls me, Van," He looked up, and Van was shocked to see Allen's eyes filled with tears. Tears of anguish. "It galls me that she was here, in my arms, and I never told her. I couldn't. She asked me, she gave me the chance, and.." He choked and turned away. "It haunts my sleep. Her eyes, as she left. They were so sad. So..final."

Van was silent. No words were needed.

They stood in silence for a while. The sky darkened, the sun casting shadows in the waving field.

"It is hopeless, isn't it." Allen's voice was flat.

"Perhaps."

Allen stood stiff, his back rigid. Every muscle in his body rigid. Van looked at the young man, and felt a deep sorrow for the knight. Who would've guessed that it would take a mere girl to break down the knight's defenses. But then, who would've guessed that he, Van Fanel, would fall in love with a girl from the mystic moon.

"I see." Allen turned and began to walk back towards the castle. "I'll get Gadeth out here to take the ship in tomorrow." His voice was devoid of any emotion.

Van watched sadly, as Allen walked back to the castle. He looked, for the first time in his life, defeated. How unthinkable, the Heavenly Knight, Allen Schezar, defeated.

*Author's Note* Ahh..finally I'm gonna write a little note here! Well, here's the next chapter I guess...hmm, not much to put! I put it out a bit faster, cuz I got a lot of emails wondering if Chap.9 was the last chapter, and so you can see..it isnt! Anyways, tell me what you think of this so far. I'm gonna take it a bit farther, cuz I'm rather enjoying writing it! Later, Sera