Excerpts From the Diary of Shmi Skywalker--Don't Look Back--Entry 4 Don't Look Back–Excerpts From the Diary of Shmi Skywalker

Author: princess-sari
Disclaimer: The Star Wars universe and everything in it belongs to George Lucas and Lucasfilm, Ltd. No money is being made from this story and no infringement is intended.

Editor's Note: Yes, another Diary by princess-sari. :p I can't help it, I just love writing these for the often-overlooked characters in TPM. This one is relatively short compared to the Handmaiden Diaries, only four entries.
Shmi's Diary was logged into a highly encrypted datapad, probably to protect it from Watto's prying eyes. A careful examination would only reveal some recipes and housekeeping notes which would bore anyone to tears very quickly. The good stuff was hidden in a series of secret files. Enjoy!!

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I feel so empty inside.

Anakin, my Anakin, is gone.

Master Jinn took him away today. He is free. He is to be trained as a Jedi.

Finally, finally, what I have hoped for for so long has happened. Someone came, someone stronger than Watto, someone with the power to give Ani a better life.

And I am so confident that Master Jinn will do his best by Ani. If I could have said what I would want in a father for my son, Master Jinn fits the picture better than anything I could have hoped for. He promised me that the Jedi will send me regular news about Ani and I am already anxious to hear something. I miss him so much. Tonight, after he left, I went into his room and lay down on his bed and just smelled his pillows.

I keep remembering back to when he was little, asking me question after question until I was half mad...until I looked into his huge blue eyes. He could always twist me around his finger with those eyes.

Or I think back to when I first discovered that I was pregnant. I was so scared at first and a little angry because I did not know what was happening. And then the first time he kicked inside me, I had never known joy like that before. It seemed so amazing that I should have the honor of bringing a new life into this world.

And when I first looked into his eyes, I knew an even greater joy, as I have with every succeeding day of his life.

I have never been prouder of him than I was today when I watched him leave with Master Jinn, on his way to become something great. My son will change the universe, I thought. He will do extraordinary things. I am sure of that.

But with that great joy was a very great sorrow. He will do great things, but I will not be there to see them. Every day he spends away from me, he will be growing up and leaving me behind more and more. It is a selfish pain, but so is any pain, I suppose.

I will busy myself soon with helping others. I have some ideas for work within the slave quarters that I have put off to be able to give Ani all my attention. I will throw myself into that as a distraction and perhaps someday I will be able to see him again, perhaps even join him.

He asked me today, "Will I ever see you again?" I think those words will echo in my heart for the rest of my life. And I could not tell him yes. I asked him, "What does your heart tell you?" And he said, "Maybe...Yes...I guess." In my heart, I have a horrible feeling that I looked upon my son for the last time today. There is still hope there, too, but for the most part, I am convinced that I will never see Ani again. The Jedi may send me holos of him, but that is not the same.

And so tonight I will allow myself to grieve. And then tomorrow morning it will be time to let go. How I will survive I truly do not know, but I will.

Even in the midst of my grief, I am so happy that my Ani finally has his chance for something better. Part of me wishes that I had told Master Jinn not to take him or that Anakin had decided he wanted to stay, but it is a very small part. The decision was made–by Anakin–and it was the right decision.

Today I told Anakin, "Don't look back," and then watched as my baby did just as I said and walked away from me with his head held up and his eyes in front of him.

Now I must do the same. I must keep from looking back and make myself look forward to the day when I will see my son again.

That is what I keep telling myself now:

Don't look back, Shmi, don't look back.

The End

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