Chap.11 - The Way Is Open
King Aston watched Allen Schezar, Heavenly Knight, out of the corner of his eyes, as the proceeding of court went on. His minister of Finances rambled on about the season's profits. For the first time, Aston cared little. His attention, was captured by the young knight.
Allen Schezar stood firm and tall. His posture perfectly straight and erect. He stood with the other Knights in their ceremonial position by the side of the Grand Hall. The expression on his face was completely blank, as if behind the perfect features, there existed simply nothing. His sulky mood and walls of moodiness had disappeared, to be replaced with a cool hardness that few could penetrate. He masked every emotion with carefully placed smiles, and was always always stiff and formal. It was like he'd gone back to how he was before, only the life that he been under the formalities, had disappeard and simply died away.
Next to Aston, Millerna sat, her gaze worriedly over Allen. She too, was worried about him. Worried and saddened. Allen had apologized to her, and she had thought that he was better. It was nearly two months since Yukari had left, and afterall, no matter what people say, time does heal. And so Millerna had thought him healed. But now, seeing him standing there, the impassive mask on his face. The impassive mask that was always on his face, she knew that Allen was far from alright. He simply had learned to hide it, that was all.
The last of the reports were given by the various councillors and ministers. King Aston raised a hand to dismiss them. Millerna turned to her father.
"Father..." Her gaze travelled to Allen. Aston sighed wearily,
"I do not know what you think I can do. I am but an old man."
"Father." Millerna smiled fondly down at her father. King Aston could be calculating, greedy and somewhat of a coward. But all in all, he was a good king, and a passable father, raising three daughters without his wife.
"Yes, Millerna. Have I ever been able to refuse you?"
Millerna smiled at her father. Then exited quickly, a quick glance in Allen's direction.
"Royal court is dismissed." Aston announced. The Knights began to disperse. "Allen Schezar. A word?"
Allen paused, and turned to face the king.
"My King," He bowed stiffly.
Aston gazed down at his most honorable, most valiant knight. His new hairstyle, the short golden strands about his ears, made him look younger. It contrasted the weariness that seemed to shine in his eyes.
"Allen Schezar," Aston wondered what he was to say. He'd never been much for the kindly words. With three daughters, they had more or less conversed amongst themselves on issues of love. "You have not been to practice, I am informed." He said finally.
Allen's head bowed, his face hidden.
"I have been busy, Your Highness."
"Ahh..I see. Working on that ship?"
Allen flushed visibly. "No, my king, I am not working on the ship anymore." The words were clipped and even. Although Aston noticed Allen's hand clenched over the sword at his waist.
"You've given up hope, boy?"
Allen didn't reply.
"Answer me!" Aston commanded. Allen flushed darkly,
"It matters little, whether I hope or not. It makes little difference."
"I see. So, in other words. Your waiting for the day that she'll come back to you." Aston stroked his beard, gazing down at the bent form of Allen Schezar. Allen didn't' move. Aston sighed, and glanced out the window. He'd never had a son. Perhaps it was a blessing, perhaps not.
"I used to love, as well, Allen."
Allen looked up, somewhat surprised. Aston took this surprise with laughter,
"What? You think I've always been this stodgy old man with a belly?" He patted his large stomach, and laughed. He shook his head, "No..no, I was once handsome and tall, like you. Oh the ladies flocked to dance with me, to have me pick up their handkerchiefs." He smiled at the memory. He glanced slyly at Allen,
"I wasn't much different from yourself."
Allen flushed, and avoided his gaze. Aston smiled and looked out the large cathedral windows in the Grand Hall. The sun was bright outside, and the sea sparkled in the distance.
"Yes, young and fiery." He smiled at some long ago memory, "Therese was my heart, my heart and my life. I see you, so enraptured with this girl," Aston's eyes focused on Allen's, "and it reminds me of how I once was. I would've lain my heart at her feet, my kingdom, my duties, everythign was behind her. Everything took second place."
Allen listened, to the sad yet beautiful story of a king that he had known not existed. He knew that Queen Therese had died when Millerna was a baby, supposedly in childbirth. He wondered how the old king must feel, for Aston barely ever spoke of her. Aston sighed, just barely, and spoke again.
"You see, the problem with us men is, we think we're good enough for them." Aston turned to look back at the knight. Allen searched Aston's mustached face for some sort of hint that he was joking. But the King's face was gravely serious, his old blue eyes were sad. He looked at Allen, "The problem always was, that we always think we're good enough. That's what causes everything." He shrugged and smiled slightly at Allen's credulous expression.
"Your Majesty?" Allen was confused. Not good enough? Well he loved her, he'd never thought of whether or not he deserved her...
Aston shook his head, a grim smile on his face.
"No, Allen Schezar, you aren't and you never will be. Your manly pride will shield that fact from you, but I have learned. Learned from years of thought and speculation. I, with my entire wealth and kingdom, never even came close to deserving a woman like Therese. And it is the same with all those we love. We shall never measure up to them, how could we? The love they embody in us, well, it just surpasses everything."
Allen stared at the marble floor, his memory flooding him with pain-filled images. Yukari laughing while she rode her horse, Gwynne through the meadows. Her dark hair flying out behind her. Her eyes shining, she was so happy, so carefree. Allen imagined that whatever was on that mystic moon, must be great, for her to want to go back. Slowly, a realization dawned on the Heavenly knight. A realization that never would've occurred had Aston not pointed it out.
He wouldn't ever measure up to her love, he never could. It was like trying to knock down a mountain with only a feather. Impossible. Slowly, Allen looked up at Aston. A newfound respect in his eyes.
"King Aston.." Allen paused, thoughts of Yukari running through his mind like sand. "How will I ever go on living with the knowledge that she is still out there. A part of me, is out there, lost to me! How..how can I just go back to the way it was before?"
Aston studied Allen for a long while. Then a chuckled shortly,
"You know, Allen, that was the exact same question I asked myself, when Therese..." He trailed off, his eyes hooded. "Only, my predicament was final. Yours is not, Allen Schezar. You still have the chance out there, somewhere."
"How!? The levaship doesn't work!" Allen almost wailed with the pent-up frustration of it all.
Aston shrugged, "I am not a mechanical genius, I don't know." He pointed out, somewhat peevishly. Then his expression softened, "All I know, is that if you believe hard enough, perhaps you just may get that chance. Someday." Aston sighed, and stared out the window. His eyes going far away, Allen could see that the old king was reliving some long-ago memory with his love. He wondered, when he grew old, would he look back on the past three months, and realize that it was the time of his life? Suddenly, Allen wondered why he'd been so hesitant in telling her his feelings. Because of damn pride? What was pride, he thought sadly, if she wasn't there to be proud of him?
Getting up, Allen bowed to the King. Turning, he started out the door. At the exit, he paused, and turned back towards Aston.
"Your Highness?"
"Hmm?" Aston was absorbed in some thought.
"I'm sorry, about...Therese."
Aston looked at Allen, surprise evident on his face. Then he smiled, a real genuine smile. A smile that rarely creased the old king's face.
"Don't be. I don't regret a single moment of it. And neither does she." He said simply.
Allen walked out of the throne room, Aston's words ringing in his head. No regrets. No regrets. Aston's mind and heart was at peace, because he had no regrets. Maybe the reason, he, Allen, felt so empty was because he, too, had been trying to pretend that he had no regrets.
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~***~
A week since I have returned.
I don't know..I think I left a part of me on Gaea. Actually, I'm pretty sure I did. That's what Hitomi says as well, that she too, left a part of herself on Gaea. But then I ask her, that if she had stayed, wouldn't a part of her have been lost on Earth as well? She doesn't seem to have an answer for everything...but she has answers for most things.
Sometimes, I love her logical mind. Sometimes, it's the bane of my existence.
I dream, a lot. I dream that Allen will come, sweeping me into the sky, taking me back with him. I dream that he will arrive, in a huge golden ship that flies, and take me in his arms and tell me that he loves me. I dream that we ride through a meadow of flowers, and nothing in the universe can touch us. Its those times, that Hitomi's damn logic whispers its words in my mind, and the dream ends.
So..I guess her logic is good and bad.
Odd, I used to be the logical one.
~***~
"Have you ever thought, Hitomi, maybe we could board like a space shuttle and fly back up there?" Yukari lay on her bed, Hitomi was sprawled on a mattress on the floor. She was spending the night at Yukari's, and they were up reading magazines. Almost a week had passed since her trip to Gaea. Yukari just couldn't get over it.
Hitomi flipped the pages of a teen magazine. You know, the ones with all the gossip and news about the next young stars. Yukari had stopped reading those. All the young, hot stars....just didn't seem to compare with Allen Schezar.
"Hmm?" Hitomi asked, her eyes scanning the pages briefly, before flipping onto the next page.
"I said," Yukari rolled onto her back and stared at her familiar ceiling, "I wonder if we could go back to Gaea by boarding a spaceship."
"I don't think its likely, Yukari." Hitomi answered automatically.
It was nice, their little secret. Hitomi rarely spoke of Van thought, it was like she'd buried him inside of herself. Yukari, on the other hand, babbled on about Allen. Everything reminded her of him.
"But..don't' you think its worth it to give it a try?"
"No."
"Aww come on Hitomi. Stop being a downer."
"I'm not." Hitomi flipped another page. "Hmm..look at this kid. He's only 12, he's some major star in America." She laughed.
Yukari rolled her eyes.
"Come on Hitomi, I know you want to go back just as much as I do."
Hitomi looked up suddenly, her eyes sharp. "Go back? I never said anything about going back."
Yukari sat up, stunned. "What?"
"I said.." Hitomi began, but Yukari shook her head.
"I know, I heard. You-you don't want to go back to Gaea?"
Hitomi shrugged. Another flip of the page. Tossing her auburn, she glanced down at the tips.
"Hmm..I think I need a trim soon. Or maybe, maybe I'll grow it out. You know, a new style. What do you think?" Hitomi looked up expectantly at Yukari.
Yukari narrowed her eyes, her mouth hanging open. What the hell was going on with Hitomi?! Swinging her legs over the edge of the bed, she tried to make sense of things.
"Okay, Hitomi. I don't get it."
"Don't get what?" She was back to the magazine again.
"I don't get...the way, your acting."
"Acting?"
"Yes!" Yukari exclaimed, frustrated. "For the past month, you've been nothing but a pain in the ass!"
Hitomi looked up, "Thanks.." She muttered.
Yukari sighed, "You know what I mean. You've been all..sulky and quiet and distant."
Hitomi nodded, "And now you know why."
"Yes! But..now that I know that the reason you were so sad, was because you left your true love on Gaea. You turn around and tell me, that you don't even want to go back to Gaea!"
"I didn't say that."
"No?"
Hitomi shook her head. "Nope." She studied another picture of a star. "Hey look at..."
"Ugh! Hitomi!" Yukari threw her hands in the hair.
Hitomi glanced up at her best friend, then sighed wearily. She flipped the magazine shut and sat up, facing Yukari. Her green eyes were serious.
"Yukari, don't you understand? Yes, I was sad that I left Van behind, and yes, I miss him. But, part of the reason why the last month has been such hell is because well, I just didn't have anyone to talk to about it. It was like, all my feelings got pent up inside of me just waiting to burst. And all the while, no one understood. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to be all alone on Earth, where no one understands, or is capable of understanding?!" Hitomi paused, and smiled slightly at Yukari. "All those feelings left, when I had someone to talk to about it. I mean, I still miss Van, and I love him, I'm sure of that. But, the frustration's gone. Its like, someone understands now, you know?"
Yukari was silent. She wondered what it would've felt like, if she had come back from Gaea and there would be no one who understood. Perhaps Hitomi had a point.
"So...don't you even think about going back?" Yukari asked. She hadn't really answered question, anyway.
Hitomi shrugged, "I don't know. I'm...I'm okay now." She smiled at Yukari. "It feels so good, to have someone to speak to. Before, I thought that life would have ended if it had gone on as it did, but..now. Now I feel like I can go on again, with my life. Time does heal, no matter what people say."
"But Hitomi, don't...don't you miss him?"
Hitomi rolled her eyes, exasperated, "Of course I do! Van.." Her face softened, and she smiled at some memory, "Van was-is the love of my life."
"Then.."
"I know, I know, Yukari. I know you don't understand. But you will." Hitomi's green eyes searched Yukari's, "You see, there's nothing we can do. I mean, we can keep the memories, and think about them. But..if we waste our life, wrapped up in misery and sorrow..well, life just wouldn't be worth living, would it?"
"There's just gotta be something we can do!!" Yukari's fists clenched. "There has to be!!! We just have to find it!!"
Hitomi shook her head sadly, "No, Yukari. The pendant. You know, the pendant I always used to wear. It was..the only way back."
Yukari's head snapped up. She remembered the pink centered pendant that Hitomi had always worn around her neck. Her eyes were huge. Hitomi shook her head, quickly ending any sort of hope Yukari had had.
"No, Yukari." She shook her head, sadly. "I left the pendant with Van, when I left."
"What!?!?! Why the hell'd you do that?!"
Hitomi shrugged, "I dunno. It..it was symbol of my love for him."
Yukari let out a loud exasperated, annoyed groan. "Oh my god."
"Yeah."
They lay in silence for a while. The ticking of Yukari's alarm clock was loud in the room. Hitomi had discarded the magazine, and both girls lay on their backs. They stared up at the ceiling. Suddenly, Yukari sat up again, her eyes wide.
"Hey!! What if...what if Van used the pendant to come here!"
Hitomi barely opened her eyes. Yukari was excited,
"Yeah! Yeah!! He..he can come back with the pendant and then he can take us back there with him! Oh my god, it'll work!!" Yukari bounced excitedly on the bed.
Hitomi's eyes were shut.
"If you can somehow get message across a dimensions to Van, telling him to use the pendant. Oh, and then you've gotta send another message telling him how to use it. WHich, of course, I'm not even sure of." Hitomi shrugged.
"Why do you always have to be such a downer?" Yukari asked, sinking back down onto the bed.
"Just to bug you." Hitomi said lightly.
"That was cruel."
"Hmmm..."
The night was dark, and Yukari, for the first time since she'd been back on Earth, was happy. Hitomi was back to status of best friend, and somehow, talking of Allen lessened the pain, if only a little. If only she could send a message.....somehow....
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Van threw aside another shirt. This packing business was really annoying. But in a few days, he would be departing from Palas, Asturia to head back home to Fanelia. He thought of the beautiful Fanelian forests, and the mountains in the distance, and the thought brought a smile to his lips.
After Hitomi had left him, he had wondered what exactly there was to live for. He had thought that life had ended then, that everything else would pale in comparison to the emotions he had felt for her. Perhaps everything else had paled. But as he thought of riding through the forest, the waters sparkling, the wind rustling the multi-coloured leaves, Van realized that only one part of him had died when she left. Another part still lived.
"King Van, your thinking of her, aren't you?" Merle skipped up and sat on the bed, looking up at him. Van smiled at his best friend.
"Hey Merle." He said softly. Merle licked her paw, looking very put out.
"You always get that dreamy expression lately, why?"
"I don't have an expression!" Van looked at her, startled. Merle burst into laughter, her bright eyes dancing.
"You do so! See, the remnants of it are still on your face!" She pointed. Van narrowed his eyes in thought, then turned to face the mirror. He studied himself. Mirrors weren't a big thing for him, they never had been. He'd never really been the vain type in the first place. Of late, his ministers had been hinting at marriage, but he'd disregarded them. They had told him that there were plenty of maidens out there that would give a hand and a leg to marry him, but Van had always thought that it was because of his kingdom, rather than his looks. Studying his dark hair, and darker eyes, he wondered what Hitomi saw in him. What had she seen him that he hadn't seen in himself?
"See!? Its there right now." Merle pointed out.
Van turned, and grinned at Merle. He snatched the trousers that she was sitting on out from under her, causing her to topple over. Throwing into the case, he stared around the room.
He visited Asturia often, and these quarters were designated as his. They were spacious and luxurious.
"Van?" Merle spoke softly.
"Yes?" Van had turned, his back facing her. He stared out the window at the Asturian sunset. The sea sparkled. Van thought that he could keep that image, of the sunlight flickering off the water, in his memory for all eternity.
"I didn't know she gave this to you."
Van turned, and saw what Merle held in her hand. It was the pendant. It swing freely in the air, Merle holding on edge of the necklace. Striding forward, Van grabbed it for it, but she dodged away.
"Give it to me, Merle." He said sharply.
"Van, she gave this to you?" Merle insisted.
"Yes!" He made another grab for it, and this time got it. Merle looked up at him, hurt radiating from her expression. He sighed, the pendant in his fist. "I'm sorry, Merle. I...I didn't speak to anyone of it. It hurt too much at the beginning. And then, later, I just...I just got wrapped up in other things."
Merle didn't reply. Van sighed again, and sat next to her on the bed. Her face was hidden in her knees, and she refused to look at him.
"Merle, why are you so mad?" Van asked, exasperated.
Merle just shook her head.
"Mere! Come on.." Van tried to pry her arms from around her knees, but she was all curled up tight. Finally, she relaxed, and looked up at him, her eyes suddenly bright.
"Van.."
"You forgive me, Merle?"
She shook her head. He started to say something, but she stopped him.
"Van..I don't think you realize anything."
"What?" Van looked at her, confused. Merle rolled her eyes.
"You, Van Fanel, are an idiot."
"What!?!"
Merle nodded, and stood. She bounced off the bed, and headed towards the door. Her tail low and dragging on the floor, she suddenly looked sad and defeated. At the doorway, she stopped and turned to look at Van.
"You don't realize it, do you? I don't think the thought has ever crossed your mind!" She said, almost amazed at her own statement. She shook her head, and laughed bitterly. "Van, you have Hitomi's pendant. The way to her..." Merle looked at him, her eyes suddenly sad and pain-filled. "..is open."
Then she turned, and fled from the room. Van stared after her. The way to Hitomi was open, what did she mean by that? He looked down at the pendant he held. His fists opened, and it lay in the palm of his hand. It shone softly in the light. Suddenly, his heart skipped a beat.
"My god.." He said softly. He sprang up, and rushed out. Only one name resonated in his heart, Hitomi.
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Allen took another walk around the levaship. He had ordered Gadeth to have it brought in. King Aston's little speech had struck hope into him once more, but now, as he paced around the ship, that hope was slowly dying. Like a flame in water, it died slowly. It would never work, trying to fly the levaship to the mystic moon, it was nonsense. Absolute craziness, he was a fool to even think it.
But perhaps the fact was, he was a fool. He was a goddamn idiot. The girl of his dreams had spent the last 3 months with him, and he'd never even noticed. Now that she was gone, it was painfully obvious to him. If only he hadn't been so wrapped up in denial, trying to preserve the precious image he had. If only he'd opened his heart, listening to her, instead to staying so high up there on his perch. Now, King Aston's words rang so painfully true. 'You'll never be good enough, not for her. How can we measure up?' The voices played in his mind.
"Allen! Allen!"
Allen turned to the voice, to find a gasping Van. Allen turned away, flushing. He'd told Van that he was going to give up on this ridiculous notion of reaching the mystic moon. Even Van had thought it ridiculous. Allen bent down, pretending to examine a crack in the levaship.
"Oh hey, Van." He said, his voice forcefully light. "I'm just you know, uh, making sure the ship's in good condition, you know." He shrugged off the excuse. Van looked at him, an odd look on his face.
"Whatever, Allen." Van brushed the excuse away, his face flushed. Allen wondered what had gotten the usually sober king so excited. Van shoved something in Allen's face.
"What?" Allen backed up from the suddenness of it. It was the pendant, the pendant that Hitomi had worn so long ago, to predict the future. Van clutched it, his eyes shining. "Look! Allen look! I have it!"
Allen narrowed his eyes, nodded. "Yes...you do." He looked at Van curiously. True, he hadn't known that Hitomi had given her pendant to Van. Hadn't it been her grandmother's or something? "Van.."
"No!" Van shook his head, he laughed, a sound that Allen was surprised to hear. Van..laughing? What was the occasion? "Allen.."
"Van, what's the matter?" Allen turned to face his friend, and noticed Van's disheveled hair, his flushed and excited expression.
"Allen, the way. They way is open!"
"Huh?"
"This!" Van held up the pendant, almost triumphantly, "This will get us to the mystic moon!" He proclaimed.
Allen gawked at his friend. Had Van gone insane? Allen studied Van. Van had seemed to have gotten over Hitomi's parting, he'd almost seemed himself again lately. But perhaps he was only good at hiding it. Allen narrowed his eyes in thought, it wasn't unheard of for love to drive a man crazy. God knows, he was on the brink of it himself. Perhaps the knowledge that Yukari had come from the mystic moon had just tipped Van over the edge. Sighing, Allen suddenly felt very tired. He couldn't deal with this, not right now. Not with her words still so fresh in his mind.
"Van, come on, lets go inside. Lets just talk about this later, okay?" Allen said gently. Van pulled away, his expression darkening.
"Allen! I'm not crazy! This will bring us there!" He shoved the pendant forward, his face hard and proud. At Allen's sad look, Van recoiled. "I'm not crazy!" He insisted. "Merle said so, and this..this is how she came!"
"Van.."
"No, you listen to me Allen! You've been trying to get the levaship to get to the mystic moon, who are you to say that this is any crazier!"
"No!" Allen turned away, his fists clenched angrily. Or was it pain that caused him to flinch from the words? "No, you said so yourself Van. I have to get over her. I have to go on with my life, and now here you are. Bringing it all back." He choked on the thought of her.
Van was silent, watching his friend. He knew the feeling, knew them too well. "Allen," He said gently. "I know you think I'm crazy. But..just trust me on this. Trust our friendship on this." Van's dark eyes searched Allen's blue ones. "I - I know this is the way. Its gotta be. This is our answer, Allen."
Allen didn't move. Finally, he spoke, "And what if it is?"
"What?"
"What if it is the way?" Allen's gaze flickered away. "What good would it do, but to reopen wounds that have a hard time closing. You know you can't stay there. You have Fanelia, and even if I were to abandon my duties as a knight, what do I have there but her? And would it be too much to hope that they would come back with us? I think so. Why do you keep trying Van?"
Van's jaw clenched, his eyes suddenly bleak. Allen's words were cutting, they just struck down his soul. What hope did he have? Why was he trying?
"I.." He trailed off. He looked up and smiled. His spirits rose. "I'm just hoping for a second chance. A second chance, perhaps, to get it right this time."
Allen stared at his friend, a second chance to get it right. The words resounded over and over. Perhaps this time, as Van said, he could get it right.
