Chap.12 - 'The One'
"So..when's this supposed to work anyway?" Allen asked.
They stood in a grove of trees, on the border of the Fanelian forest. Just the two of them, with Van walking around in circle, his eyes concentrated on the pendant that he held in front of him. The sun was just setting. Allen sat up against a tree, wittling away at a stick while Van continued his pacing. Almost 10 hours straight of pacing, that guy had resolve.
Allen had requested a leave for his duties, which Aston had granted with a little smile playing on his lips. Millerna had been tight-lipped and pale, but had actually given him a smile when he had left. Perhaps she would be alright after all. Van had left his advisors in charge, as well as Merle, for which the advisors where not the happiest.
Van had insisted on traveling to the borders of the Fanelian forest, and had reassured Allen several times that he knew what he was doing. Now, as Allen watched Van pacing around the grove, he thought that likelihood much slimmer.
"Just wait." Van replied shortly. He backed up a few paces, stared at the pendant, then continued to circle the small grove. Allen sighed, and prepared to be spending the night in the grove.
Eventually, Van threw himself down on the grass, the pendant hanging limply around his neck. Allen glanced sidelong at him. Both said nothing. Eventually, Van drew himself up wearily and began his steady pacing again.
The sun was setting, and the sky darkening rapidly. Allen drew his cloak around himself, and shivered. The air grew chill. He began to grumble, first silently, then more loudly. Sometimes, grumbling to yourself was just not any fun.
"Van, its getting cold." He hinted.
"Hmmhm.." Van agreed, his eyes gazing up at the mystic moon, then back down at the pendant.
"Yeah, very cold."
"Hmm.."
"Well?"
"What?" Van looked at Allen, a hint of annoyance in his expression. Allen rolled his eyes, but leaned back, swallowing his comments.
Another hour passed.
"Van?"
"What?"
"This is pointless."
Van didn't reply. He simply swung the pendant around a few times, just as Allen had seen Hitomi do. Allen narrowed his eyes, this was getting stupid. Here he was, in the middle of the Fanelian forest, freezing his ass off, thinking of Her. Well, he could think of Her to his heart's content in a warm room, with a fire blazing with more to eat than hard bread.
"Van!" When he didn't reply, Allen stood, and stretched. "Van, this is stupid! We're just sitting here. So much for your plan." He muttered. He turned, walked in a few circles, then approached the young king again. Van didn't have seemed to have changed positions at all. His eyes simply fixed on the pendant, as if willing it to take them to the mystic moon.
Allen was, in some ways, surprised at the determined, almost crazy look in Van's eyes. He'd thought that Van had gotten over Hitomi. Perhaps, he was just better at burying his feelings than most. Allen smiled wryly, how odd. This predicament. Allen shivered agian, which brought him back to reality.
"Van!" He barked, "Do you even know what you're doing?!" He demanded. That seemed to set off something in the king.
Van suddenly turned on him, his amber eyes fiery and angry.
"No!" His eyes sparked, "No I don't! I don't have a freakin' clue what I'm doing!" He shoved the pendant in Allen's face, his emotions raging. "See this? I don't have a clue what it does!" Van glared angrily at Allen. His gaze flickered to the mystic moon, "All I know, is that there's girl up there, and I'm here with her pendant. Somehow, I've gotta get up there to get it right, okay? Now, if you wanna go back, fine! But don't grumble to me, all the while being too much of a coward to admit that you wanna go up there as much as I do!"
"I..." Allen protested, almost shocked at the expressions crossing Van's face.
"No! Either shut up and concentrate with me, or get the hell out! I'll say Hi to your precious Yukari for you!" Van turned around contemptuously.
"Van..." Allen paused. He blinked a few times. Oh god, this was getting worse every minute. And all the while, he hurt inside for her. "Oh god." He muttered. He turned to sit back down, when a sudden rage filled him. Rage at what? He didn't know.
It was like a fire, that found kindling in his heart, and grew to enormous proportions in the seconds it took to conjure up an image of her. Her beautiful dark eyes gazing up at him adoringly, her telling him how wonderful he was, her laughter at his jokes. It was like a sudden conjuring of her right there, as if she flickered there and smiled at him shyly as she had done so often before.
A wave of despair washed over Allen.
"Van!" He rushed up to Van, and his fingers grasped his shoulders. Van was staring at Allen in shock and surprise. Allen stared into Van's eyes, suddenly understanding how Van must've felt, to have had half his heart ripped out. "Please...I love her, Van. I love her more than the world!" For once in his life, Allen felt no shame in the fact that tears stung his eyes. Allen's hands practically shook Van, as Allen felt his heart being torn to pieces all over again.
"I love her more than life, Van! And, I don't deserve her, and I probably never will, but how will I ever go on living if I never try?!?!" Allen's vision was so blurred by the tears, that he didn't notice that the pendant had begun to glow. Van also seemed oblivious of this fact, as he struggled to remain upright, a surprised-shocked kind of expression on his face.
"Allen..." He started.
Suddenly, the two of them started to lift off the ground. Their vision encompassed in blue.
"Allen?" Van looked down at his friend. Allen's eyes were wide, the tears gone. The pain in his expression replaced with excitement, surprise and, oddly, fear.
"Van," He whispered, "I think we did it."
Van smiled slightly, "No, Allen. You did it."
They floated higher, the trees shimmering below. A sudden fear gripped Allen. What if he never came back? Were they in over their heads?
"Van?"
"What?"
"What're we gonna do....once we get there?"
Van's reply, his voice oddly bleak, was despairing.
"I'm...uhh..making this up as I go along."
"Oh.."
"You?"
"I thought that you had the plan."
Then everything blacked out.
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~***~
The days go by so slowly sigh Its like everything has been put into slow motion. Every emotion, every feeling, so painfully full and clear. So painful abrupt. Why can't time just zoom by?
I guess, you could say, that things are okay. I mean, as okay as things can be when I hurt like hell. I guess that sounds weird right? To hurt like hell laughs Yeah, I do. I hurt more than if I were stabbed, I feel like I was stabbed.
I told Hitomi how I felt, she just shrugged. I think she's covering up again. I figured, that, after our last chat, she had to be just covering up everything. She had to be! I mean, with these feelings inside of me, how could I ever get over Allen? How could she ever get over Van? Has she just become really good at hiding her feelings? So good, in fact, that she hid them from herself....perhaps.
But things have begun to flow, I guess you could say. It doesn't feel...strange, perhaps...to be home anymore. Time does that, it dulls things. It dulls certain aspects of your daily routine, slowly shaping it, changing it to another routine. Hmmm.....Deep thoughts.
~***~
Yukari drifted soundlessly towards her locker. School and everything around it seemed like a dream. It was like her stay in Gaea had been more real, and now this was her dream. How odd. She hummed lightly, not realizing the song she hummed was one popular in the Asturian courts and played often during the balls and galas. Not realizing that the song she hummed was the one the orchestra had been playing when she had danced in Allen's arms. She'd been in heaven then.
She stopped in front of her locker and shoved her books in. People were hurriedly walking by, chatting, gossiping, whispering. A sudden pang of regret filled her. She no longer felt..at home. Why? On Gaea, she'd been homesick, and now on Earth, she longed for Gaea. Perhaps it was because, over the months she'd spent there, it had become her home. How odd it is that you never realize what you have until you've lost it, Yukari thought, almost bitterly. She'd never been bitter before. Wry, and sometimes waspish, but never bitter.
Suddenly, large hands covered her face, blocking out her line of vision. She sighed inwardly.
"Amano?"
He jumped out from behind her, and grinned.
"Hey Yukari," He studied her for a moment. "What's wrong?"
She just shook her head.
"Nothing, nothings wrong." She smiled, then shut her locker. "Nothings wrong at all."
He gave her an odd expression, then shrugged. He followed her along as she made her way outside. The day had been a long one, and Yukari felt an annoyance with the world that had stayed with her the entire day. The last thing she needed was questions from Amano. This made her flush guiltily, as she knew that he meant only well. But lately, his prodding questions and nosy remarks had irritated her more than usual.
Yukari squinted as they headed out into the bright sunlight of the school's track. On it, was most of the track team, stretching and warming up for races. Yukari smiled, as Hitomi jogged over, changed out of her uniform, and into her shorts and sweats.
"Racing again?" Amano looked surprised. Hitomi had seemed to have given up on the track lately, and he wondered at the sudden change within her. Hitomi nodded curtly,
"Yeah, I - well, I decided..."
"To stop acting like a moody spoiled brat?" Amano supplied. Hitomi flushed, scowling darkly. Yukari glanced sideways at Amano, surprised at how snappish it sounded coming from him.
"Amano.." Yukari started softly. He just looked at her, innocence and self-tragedy written on his face.
"What? Its the truth," He glanced at Hitomi, and faltered slightly at the intensity of her glare. "What? Hitomi, you were pretty sulky."
"Thanks for pointing it out, friend." Hitomi snapped, then turning, she ran back towards the rest of the team.
Amano stared after her, then turned to Yukari.
"Well?" He regarded her expectantly, "I was just trying to be truthful."
Yukari just sighed, and headed towards a little grove of trees that was shaded from the bright sunlight. The grove connected onto an empty parking lot that housed cars for the richer students that could afford them. SInce school had ended nearly fifteen minutes ago, the lot was empty. Everyone rushed to get home. Yukari leaned against the cool bark of one of the tall trees that shaded the grove. She looked out under shielded eyes at Amano.
"Don't you think that was a bit cruel?" She asked softly. The sunlight shone dully off the treads in the track. Amano looked up,
"I was just trying to be a friend." He scowled. "Trying to be truthful..." He muttered. "A friends doesn't really hide the truth and butter it up," He squared his shoulders valiantly, to Yukari's annoyance, and his chest seemed to puff up with the justice he was doing to the world. Yukari felt a pang of irritation at Amano's actions. THis was what always ticked her off about him. His justice, and his own valued goodness. It had always annoyed her, but lately, on her agitated nerves, it had seemed to grow in proportions and comments just seemed to pop up everywhere.
"Oh your just the greatest friend." Yukari said, her voice dripping sarcasm. Amano nodded, smiling. Then frowned, and glared at her.
"Hey! What's that supposed to mean."
"Exactly what you think it means." She answered calmly, looking at her nails in the sunlight. "Amano," Her voice lost the hard edge. "There are times when a friend is supposed to encourage, rather than put down. This was one of those times." She said gently.
Amano stared at her. Yukari rolled her eyes.
~***~
God, sometimes Amano can be so dense when it comes to girls. I mean, seriously, telling Hitomi she was a brat?! Even a fool when it comes to love, like Allen...a beautiful fool mind you...wouldn't say that! Allen...why does every single little thing I think about always come back to him? I don't want it to, god knows I don't. I'm trying to get over him, I really am. But his face fills my every moment, I even freakin' dream about him! sighs/thought softly He's my angel, he fills my every thought....
I think that's what scares me the most. The thought that makes my heart bleed, and keeps me up in the middle of the night. What if Allen Schezar was 'the one'? What if, in this life, we only get one chance at true love, and my chance just slipped through my fingers because I never had the nerve to speak up. What if I never find another true love, what if the rest of my life is devoid of love? The thought of spending the rest of my long life in loneliness is one that drives me to tears...These questions make me feel queasy and nauseous inside, make me cry and hurt unbearably inside.
I love Allen Schezar, I love him with my whole being. I sometimes feel that I would be consumed by that love. If only I had had the courage to admit this earlier. If only.....
~***~
Amano watched Yukari, watched as her eyes diluted and faded out as her gaze went faraway. Someplace far away deep in her thoughts where he could never go. His jaw clenched.
"I guess I really botched that up, didn't I?" He said softly. Yukari nodded vaguely,
"Very much so." She agreed.
Amano sighed. He just wasn't good at this seriousness stuff. It was easy for him, to be the center of attention. It was easy to make people feel good and laugh, to 'talk it up' that was what he was good at. This seriousness, this feelings business, it had him confused and unsure of himself.
His time was running out. Too soon, he would be moving away, across an ocean. His gaze studied Yukari's distant expression. He had known Hitomi had loved him, or at least, liked him a lot. He'd been flattered, and then had started to seriously like her in return. Then she'd changed, and had begun to push him away. During that period, when Hitomi had become moody and upset, Amano had turned to Yukari for answers and company. In Yukari, he had found everything he had ever hoped to find in a his dream girl, and more. Only, he'd never realized it, until Yukari too, had started to drift away. Never realized it until he'd lost her. Life was strange in that way.
"Yukari?" He started softly. She turned to look at him, her dark eyes huge and depthless. She was still put off with him. His voice caught in his throat by her beauty and her scorn.
"What?" She asked.
"I..." He trailed off. Her eyes blinked up at him, expectant. She wasn't really mad, just annoyed. She'd been annoyed at him often these days, he thought. Was that a bad sign? "I'm leaving." He said suddenly.
Yukari stared.
"What?"
"I'm leaving," He repeated, then cleared, "I mean, I'm moving...away."
"Moving away?" Yukari stared at him as if he'd just grown another nose. Amano nodded,
"Yes."
"Leaving?" Yukari repeated. She sounded like a chorus in some half-assed play. She blinked, "I...umm, I don't know what to say."
Amano nodded. He looked down. Inside, he was a mess. How could he tell her? He wanted to, god knows he did. He needed to. Why? That little voice inside said accusingly. So you can leave her with a broken heart? No, he reprimanded it sharply. His fists clenched, because I need to know, he thought. I need to know what she feels for me.
"I love you." He blurted. Silence all around.
He kicked himself inside. That was a stupid way to say it, he thought. 'God, I'm an idiot' was his second thought. He'd prepared this entire, romantic speech in his head, about eternal love. He'd even rehearsed it to an imaginary Yukari in his mind. And in his mind, she'd loved him back, and had thrown her arms around him. In reality, she stared. Her expression barely registered. He flushed, shuffling his feet, staring at the ground. Finally, Yukari laughed nervously,
"Haaaa...oh my god, I must be crazy!" She giggled nervously, "I mean, I just thought you said that you loved me! Haa...what a joke, right?" She looked up at him. The laughter died when he didn't laugh. "Right?" She demanded.
He flushed darkly,
"You could believe me." He pointed out.
"Believe what?!" Yukari exclaimed.
"That I love you."
Yukari stared at him.
~***~
Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god....I DO NOT NEED THIS!!!!! my god, do I ever not need this! SHIT! This is like the worst thing that could ever happen! Amano, loves ME?! ME! He's supposed to love Hitomi, I've worked so hard for him to love Hitomi, and he loves me!!!! Why does life do this!?
Okay breathes rapidly okay..I can deal. I can deal. Your the logical one, remember Yukari? The problem solver, the manager, you can do this..
muttering okay..clean and quick, quick and painless, just...kindly Yukari, put him down kindly....he's still one of your best friends remember...deep breath ..Quick and Painless....
~***~
"Amano.." Yukari started. Amano was gazing at her, his dark eyes unreadable.
"Don't speak, Yukari, just don't speak." He whispered. Suddenly, stepped closer, his face looming too close. Yukari's eyes widened, she knew what htis lead into.
"..no." She murmured. Amano ignored her
Gently, but firmly, he kissed her. He loved her, and he kissed her. Hell, Amano thought, I've gotta know.
Yukari, her back to the empty parking lot behind her, didn't see the bright blue light that shot out of the sky.
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Allen didn't realize how tightly his eyes had been screwed shut, until he opened them and they ached fiercely. He glanced sideways to make sure Van was still there. His heart beat rapidly.
The blue light that encased them suddenly disappeared, leaving them breathless and sprawling on some hard surface. Allen tried to catch his breath, but his heart just seemed to be going too fast for his body to handle.
"Van-" He gasped, sitting up to look at the young king. Van's face was pale, and drawn, but his eyes shone excitedly. "We did it Van! We're on the mystic moon!" Allen exclaimed. He wanted to jump up and do a little jig. Finally, he would find Yukari and tell her what he should have told her when he'd first had the chance!
Van stood slowly, brushing the dust off his cloak. It was nearing twilight. Allen gazed around, curious. He'd always wondered what Hitomi's world had been like. Now, he knew. It was different, that was certain. Allen stared at the tall buildings in the distance, they reminded him of Zaibach, only much brighter, much happier. In the distance, he could hear laughter. Now he knew why Hitomi had been so eager to come back, Allen didn't' think it was such a bad place afterall.
"How will we find-" Allen started, but was then cut off. He stared. It couldn't be her..it just couldn't be. She said she'd loved him, and he thought she'd meant it. But then...who was that girl who had her shimmering hair?
Van, seeing his friend's face go pale, also looked in that direction.
Allen thought the other half of his heart was breaking. The picture stood frozen in time, if not in reality, in his mind. In his mind, he saw her, his beautiful Yukari, in the arms of another. His breath caught in his throat, and he resisted the swift urge to cry.
TUrning away swiftly, so as to block the picture from his sight, Allen stared at the ground, not really seeing the ground. His whole vision was taken up with her, her in his arms, their lips locked in a tender embrace. The pain was real, and whole, and it consumed him like fair.
"Allen.." Van breathed at least, he hardly believed what he saw. He turned away as well. "...Allen."
Allen, his body rigid and his jaw clenched didn't speak. HIs face twitched, as if unsure of what to do. He'd risked everything for her, who in hell knew if he could even get back to Gaea! He'd been willing to leave his life on Gaea, his friends, his duties as a knight, all for her. Everything for her, and she'd turned around and loved another. It'd only been two months.
He felt pain, a sharp pain that he knew no sword could ever inflict. But most of all, he felt a deep betrayal. This is what you get, he thought bitterly, when you trust your love to someone. Inside, he knew that never again, would he love so deeply. She'd been his image of the perfect girl, his perfect love. He'd been willing to give everything up for her, and the love for her had been so huge, he'd been afraid it would consume him. Never again, he promised himself, never again will I be so stupid.
Allen turned slowly, watching her, taking an odd fascination at how the hand's around her held her so gently. He remembered how she had felt in his arms, like liquid fire. Finally, their kiss ended. Allen wanted to see the face of the goddamn bastard Yukari had given her love to. Had she cried for him as well? Probably, Allen thought.
Yukari stood still, Allen watched her carefully. Van had started to pull him away, speaking gently. But he'd struggled out of his grasp. He wanted to see this. Suddenly, Yukari turned, as if realizing she was being watched.
Even at the sense of the deep pain and betrayel, Allen still felt his heart well up with love for her as she stared at him, her eyes deep as night. Stop it, he pressed down the love, she loves another. Her expression was one of total surprise, shock, and, Allen was surprised to find, pain. Pain shot through her face.
Allen returned her gaze, the stone-faced knight that Millerna had been so concerned about, returning to take his place. His face was a mask of emotions, letting nothing out. They stared at each other, one pain filled with anguish, the other, pain filled with betrayel.
Yukari broke away from the one she'd been kissing. Allen wanted to snort with contempt, he was only a boy. But that didn't' make the pain any less, and so he didn't.
"Allen!!" Yukari rushed towards him, pushing her way through the small border of trees towards him. Allen watched her coming closer, her features becoming more in focus. Her beautiful features, he'd memorized them. So much time wasted, he thought bitterly. She approached him, breathless, her hair swirling around her. She locked her eyes into his, her face was peaked.
"Allen! You don't understand!" She grabbed his hands. He wrenched them away, his heart breaking all over again. Her touch, so soft so gentle. He'd loved her, he still did. But no, he wouldn't.
"Oh no, no no no. You see, I understand perfectly." He said coldly. Then turned away, walking away swiftly in the opposite direction. He needed to be alone. He couldn't rationalize with her before him, that's what she did to him. The wind blew, blowing the short golden strands of hair across his face. He brushed them aside carelessly. He disappeared around the corner of a building.
"Allen!" Yukari called, about to go after him. Van stopped her, placing a hand gently, but firmly, on her arm.
"Yukari, he just needs to be alone. Its how he thinks best."
She gazed up at Van, her eyes huge and filled with tears. The other boy, the one she'd been kissing, was coming forward towards them.
"He doesn't Van, you've gotta believe me! I love Allen, I love no one but Allen! Van, you have to believe me!" Her voice was high, on the verge of tears.
Van looked at her. At first, he too had dismissed Yukari. But now, seeing the anguish written plainly across her face, he believed her. He wondered if he would believe her if she had been Hitomi. It was a question he didn't want to find the answer to. Gently, he spoke,
"Yukari, I believe." He paused, "But its not me whom you have to convince."
Yukari stared at him, then her gaze went past him to the place where Allen had left. She bit her lip, and the tears fell slowly.
"He came for me." She whispered softly. "He came for me, and I let him down."
