Chap.13 - So Close Yet So Faraway
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What have I just done, oh my god, Allen Schezar..am I dreaming?
No...no I wasn't. He was here, and..oh gods, he saw me. He saw me kissing Amano!! Oh my god, he....he must be so hurt. I...I feel like, like this isn't real. Is this real? Is this for real? Is Van real, he's standing right in front of me his arm on my elbow and it feels real. I reach out and touch him, and he feels real, he tells me that he believes me and it sounds real. Van may be real, and his touch may be real..but the belief isn't real. He doesn't believe me, I can tell by that look in his eyes.
But, would I believe, if I saw Allen kissing Millerna right here right now? Would I believe that it was an accident, and that he didn't mean it?
No.
So how can Allen believe? How can I make him believe me, how can I tell him that I love him, if he won't listen?
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Yukari stared at the spot where Allen had been standing. Only now, did the sensations, and emotions register. Oh god, she thought, he must think I betrayed him. Van had stopped her from going after him, but Yukari still leaned forward, wanting to see where he went. I have to tell, she thought, I have to set things straight. Allen came here for me, and I - I didn't even trust him enought to wait. Yukari blinked rapidly, the realization bringing hot tears to her eyes. They stung, perhaps it wasn't her eyes that stung, perhaps it was her heart.
"Van," She whispered, and he turned to look at her. "How can I make him believe me?"
"Give him time." He replied. His gaze flickered on her, then elsewhere. He's searching for her, Yukari realized. Van came here for Hitomi, just as Allen came here for me. But, unlike me, she thought bitterly, Hitomi won't botch it up.
"She's on the track, doing wind sprints." Yukari answered the unspoken question in Van's mind. Van stared at her. Yukari shrugged, suddenly too tired to move. "You had to come for something, right?"
He nodded mutely. Running footsteps came up behind her, and Yukari turned slowly to look at Amano. He was gasping for breath, and looking from her strained expression to the Van, who stood beside her.
"Yu-Yukari!" He panted, then caught his breath and looked at her. "What's going on?" He looked at Van, who returned his gaze evenly.
"Van, this is Amano, Amano, Van." She did quick introductions. A spurt of anger soared through her at Amano. It was because of him, that Allen was angry at her, all because of him. Yukari's fists clenched. He was just doing what his heart told him to do, a little voice inside her rationalized. I don't care, Yukari's heart responded.
"I have to go, Amano. I'll see you tomorrow." She nodded coldly, then turned away, "Come on Van."
She walked briskly, not turning back.
"Yukari! Wait-" His words were cut off by a gust of wind. She didn't turn back. She didn't stop walking until they reached the other side of the small thicket of trees that surrounded the track. When she stopped, Van looked at her oddly.
"A bit cruel, don't you think?" He said softly. Yukari flushed. Her thoughts exactly. Odd, she thought wryly, I'd been the one accusing Amano of being cruel. She shrugged and turned away.
"Hitomi! Hitomi!" Yukari called. Hitomi didn't hear, as the gun went off and she went flying.
Sighing, they stood on the side, waiting for Hitomi to finish her run. Yukari was fidgety, tapping her foot, moving about. She wanted to speak to Allen, but didn't know what to say. She wanted to see him, but didn't want to face him. Van glanced at Yukari in slight annoyance. "He'll come around." He assured her.
"What if he doesn't?" Yukari almost wailed. Almost as if she was waiting for him to say something, Yukari launched into full scale attack on the recognition of all her feelings. Van sighed inwardly, he really wasn't much for the whole confidante part. Lately, thought, it seemed like life just shoved that part to him.
"...and if he never speaks to me again..." Yukari was beginning to rant.
Van gazed at her. He didn't think the quiet, shy girl he'd known in Asturia could say so much in one breath. He placed a hand on her shoulder, but when this served to only increase the flow of words, Van interrupted her.
"Yukari."
"...I don't know, Van, I don't know what to do! I mean I...."
"Yukari!!"
She stopped, her head snapping to look at him, her mouth halfway in the middle of the next phrase.
"...huh?"
"Yukari, just.." Van sighed. "Your my friend, Yukari. And I say this because," Van glanced sidelong, searching for the right words. He'd never been one for the emotional speeches.
"Yukari, its hard for him." He tried again. "Its hard for him, I think. Because he loves you so much, so love makes it hard. Take it as a flattery, if he loved you less, he could care less."
Yukari stared at him, her eyes filling with tears.
"But Van, I-I-I...." She didn't get a chance to finish, because Hitomi's race was over.
Van turned away, staring across the field. In the distance, Hitomi stopped picking up a water bottle and wiping the sweat from her brow. It was dark out, and the tall lights over the track were on. Like a movie, Yukari thought. Smiling slightly, she nudged Van forward.
"Well? Aren't you gonna go to her?" She tried not to make it sound bitter, but cringed when it came out that way anyways. Van was watching Hitomi move around, from on person to another, her head thrown back in laughter.
"I-I don't know." Van suddenly balked. He looked at Yukari, his expression glazed. He blinked several times. "I didn't plan this far ahead."
Yukari found it easy to forget about her own botched up love life, when she focused on Van and Hitomi. At least one of us can be happy, she thought wryly. Might as well be Hitomi, I mean, she's waited almost two months. But still the hurt and the bitterness were there. She laughed softly,
"Love doesn't usually wait for you to plan, Van." She smiled, "Just go up to her. I'm sure she'll be happy to see you."
Van's eyes alighted, and Yukari sighed. She'd seen the young king so happy, so...young. In Asturia, he'd always seemed so kingly, so regal and starched. As if the weight of his crown had consumed him, and the human part had left, only to leave the king. He'd also seemed to have this aura of sadness around him, Yukari remembered noticing this sadness the first time she'd met him.
"You think so?"
Yukari nodded, "Of course. She talks only of you." She knew it was a lie, in part, on her half. But hey, sometimes a little white lie does more good than harm. In this case, that white lie was worth the expression of joy and elation that came over the sober, young king.
"Really?"
Yukari nodded slowly, "Ummhmm. So go." She pushed him gently towards Hitomi. "You've got nothing to lose."
Van looked away, "Only my dignity." He muttered.
"Oh and that's so important?" Yukari looked at him, challenging him. Van looked back, meeting her challenging. His gaze faltered, and he looked away. Yukari was right, what was dignity, if Hitomi wasn't there to be proud of him? Sometimes, Van and Allen were more alike, than they were different.
"Alright." Van relented. His heart was beating fast. Yukari was right, he'd come so far to do this. And if he balked now, he would regret it for the rest of his life. It was one of those moments, those moments were you just knew that the decisions that you made in these moments, would affect the rest of your life. He paused when he realized that Yukari wasn't beside him. "Aren't you coming?" He turned back, looking at her.
She just shook her head, blinking rapidly. She didn't need to see their reunion, or perhaps she didn't want to.
"I'm-I'm tired." It was a bad excuse, even for her. Van could see right through it, but because he could, he didn't press her.
Nodding mutely, he continued on, while Yukari stood frozen watching the scene play out. This is not what I dreamed of, when I dreamed of Allen coming for me, Yukari thought dismally. This is nothing like that dream.
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Hitomi stretched one final time. She knew that her muscles would be in for a hard night. THis is what you get for not staying in shape, she reprimanded herself. Hitomi smiled slightly. Slowly, she'd work on her time and her body. It made her feel good, to have a goal. The competitions were in the distant future, but still close enough to daunt. She looked forward to running agian. The last month had seemed empty without her daily routine of going to the track after school. But then, she'd had more reason to quit, than to stay, then. Then. But it was now, and now, she would run.
Packing her things together, Hitomi waved goodbye to her fellow track members and shouldered her duffel bag about to leave.
It was dark, and the crickets were out this night. Walking slowly, her gaze traveled involuntarily up to the night sky. How many nights had been spent staring up there, wondering if he too, looked up at his sky. Too many. Shaking her head, Hitomi promised herself not to think of him. She had to move on.
"Hitomi!" Someone called. Hitomi sighed, looking down at herself to make sure she hadn't forgotten anything. Duffel bag, shoes, school bag...nope.
"Hitomi!" Someone was calling. Hitomi sighed again. She was tired, and was really in no mood to help one of the others carry books to their car or whatever. Pretending to ignore it, she started to jog slowly.
"Hitomi..." This time, inside of yelling the voice had softened.
Hitomi froze. Her blood froze. Her heart stopped.
I'm hearing him again, she thought. After all this time, I'd thought myself okay. Perhaps....
"Hitomi!" That voice again.
Hitomi cringed, wanting to scream. She wanted to cover her ears and run. Run so that the forbidden memories wouldn't rush over her. She'd learned, during the last month, to control her feelings. To shove Him out of her mind so that she could continue living.
A hand was placed on her shoulder.
Hitomi breathed hard. Its probably just Yukari, she rationalized. But that voice...
"Hitomi."
She turned.
She couldn't breathe. Her duffel bag dropped from her suddenly limp arms. Time froze, and her heart stopped.
He stood there. Right out of her dreams. Right out of her wishes. He was there. She blinked, half-afraid she was losing it, and he'd waver and disappear; a figment of her imagination. But he looked, he seemed, so real. His eyes so dark, his chin ever so stubborn.
"Van." She whispered. He gazed at her, she looked back at him.
Both wanted to fall into each other's arms, to just hold each other tight, to pour out the feelings that had never been spoken.
But both held back.
Sometimes, love is like that. It fills you to the brim, so that you have no more room for anything else, including rational thought. Sometimes, the feelings you feel for someone overflows, and you don't know what to do for the emotions piling up through you. This was one of those times.
Ever fiber in his being told him to tell her, to hold her. Told him to take his chance right then and there. If this was the last time he'd ever see her, he at least, had to do what he had come to do; to get it right. But the sight of her, even in her sweaty, disheveled condition, took his breath away. It erased every rational thought from his mind. How, he wondered, his mind doing circles, how do I tell her? How do I describe what I feel for her? He wasn't good with words, even worse with emotions.
Hitomi swallowed the lump in her throat. Slowly, with trembling fingers, she reached up and touched, ever so gently, the soft cleft of his chin. Her fingers barely brushed the surface of his skin, but he trembled none the less.
"Are you for real?" She whispered.
Van didn't respond, only drinking up her aura. That light that always just seemed to shine from within her. A hand went up, to hold her hand next to his cheek. He too, had to make sure that she was real, not some cruel dream.
Hitomi stared at him. He's grown, she realized just as Millerna had. How many years have gone by in Gaea? He's a man now, no longer a fiery boy, but a calm king. And this observation only made her fall even deeper in love with him. But something inside of her told her to go, to leave then and there. Or else, when he left again, she would die this time. She'd been dangerously close to it last time.
A sudden crack of thunder broke their reverie. Van looked up, his eyes almost glaring at the dark, stormy sky overhead. Hitomi broke away reluctantly, picking up her duffel bag.
"Hitomi.." Van started, about to launch into his speech. He'd pumped himself up to it, but he felt sick anyways. Hitomi beat him to it.
"Van, come on. Its going to rain. Let's beat the rain home, you can stay at my house. My parents are away." Hitomi flushed, then headed off. She didn't really know what else to do. At that moment, it was enough just to believe that he was real, and that he was there.
The house was dark, as Hitomi and Van headed in.
"Umm..this is it." She gestured to the living room, then proceeded to take Van on a tour of the house. She flushed, "I know its not much, I mean, compared to your castle in Fanelia or anything."
Van didn't say anything. But then, he often didn't, but his point came across to Hitomi anyways. It was fine.
Hitomi gestured to the spare bedroom.
"You can sleep here."
Van nodded, then turned.
"Hitomi-" He started. Hitomi, as if sensing mounting danger looked away quickly.
"Van-um..where's Allen?" She quickly interuppted. Van's expression changed quickly.
"I don't know. He....he rushed off."
Hitomi's eyes filled with concern. "Alone?" A wave of fear rushed through her. She didn't doubt that Allen could take care of himself, but here on Earth, things were different. Allen didn't know the rules of this place, of the roads, of the cars. Hitomi turned to Van, "Van, we have to find him. He..he's not safe here."
Van wanted to laugh, but at the expression on Hitomi's face, didn't. He never thought he'd hear the day when Hitomi Kanzaki would be afraid for Allen Schezar, the Heavenly Knight. Surely, this world could not be more dangerous than Gaea. Hitomi read his expression and sighed, sinking down onto one of the couches,
"Its different here, Van. Allen, and you, you don't know the rules. You don't know how things work, just as I didn't' when I went to Gaea. In a way, Allen's like a baby here, he doesn't know what's dangerous and what's not." She implored him with her eyes. Van looked at her, not really believing, but a small trickle for worry for his friend also wormed itself into his heart.
"Dragons?" He asked in a hushed voice. Hitomi smiled wryly and shook her head,
"No, no dragons. Worse." She admitted. Van's eyes narrowed,
"What?" What could be worse than dragons, he wondered. Hitomi sighed, her eyes sober.
"Crazy drivers." She concluded, her face grim.
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Allen huddled in his cloak and walked along swiftly. He didn't know where he was going, nor what he was doing. All he knew was that there was a terrible pain around his heart, a pain that bit at him and slowly sucked all the joy out of his life.
As he stumbled along, he shook. It wasn't cold, no, it was something from the inside. He'd loved her, he didn't feel that he could've loved her any more. And yet, somewhere along the way, something had gone wrong. Had he not loved her enough?
"I loved you. I loved you. I loved you." He whispered softly, over and over, trying to banish the image of her from his mind. Even now, she seemed to haunt him, even though all he suddenly wanted was to be rid of her, her and her pain, and go back to Asturia where everything was clear and understandable.
He stumbled over a curb, and froze to a dead halt as tires screeched and cars honked. He looked up and found a jam of machines that resembled something like horseless carriages stopping to a halt around him.
"Get outta the way, freak!" Someone yelled. Allen looked up in consternation.
"Get off the road!" Another voice shouted.
Horns blared, and Allen quickly found his way back onto the island on the side where at least he was saved from the shouts and the honks. But never saved from the pain. No, never.
This world was strange, it was different. Here, he was helpless. Helpless and defenseless. He had the nagging feeling that his sword would be of little use here. Walking along, ignoring the curious and rude glances he got from passer-bys, Allen mused. His life had always been with a purpose, he'd always had a plan. First it was to take care of Celena when his mother had died. Then it had been to become a great knight when Celena had disappeared. And then it had been to fight and win the great war against Zaibach. Then what? That had been the question nagging on his mind over the last year. What was his purpose? Yukari had once asked him, on a moonlight garden walk one night when things had still been easy, why was he so sad? Was it because he had no purpose left in this life? Allen sighed and shook his head. He hated the way she seemed to provide answers for everything in life. Hated the way everything seemed clearer when she was around.
"What is my purpose?" He wondered aloud. Do I even have one? He thought wryly, perhaps Gaea has enough heroes.
When had I lost my plan? He thought. It used to be so clear to him, everything lain out for him, all he ever had to do was walk the path. Now, there seemed to be a million paths, and yet none at all at the same time. How was he ever to decide? What was he to do?
Stopping next to a building, he stopped. It was dark, and getting cold. He huddled into his cloak, and suddenly realized how very tired he was. Dropping down, he cared little what the people of this world would think. At that moment, he had little respect for the people of the planet called Earth. Nodding his head onto his arms, he was soon asleep. His sleep filled with dreams of her.
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~***~
What am I to do? Do I go to him, find him and beg forgiveness? But...what do am I be forgiven for? I did not mean to kiss Amano, he kissed me. And I stopped him...
Sure, I didn't discourage him, but I certainly didn't encourage him either! Its Allen that should've listened to me, rather than mope off in a huff! God!
sigh
You know, Yukari that its your fault.
NO!
Yes, it is.
Hmm.
~***~
Yukari tossed and turned for most of that night. There was little noise from her mom's room and Yukari guessed her to be asleep. I guess most are at this hour, she thought dourly. It was near 1:00am, and on a school night. She'd have another crappy day tomorrow, tired and in bad spirits.
Her heart raced though, that was what was keeping her up.
Allen had come, the realization still had not sunk in. Allen had loved her enough to come to Earth to find her. To do what, she'd not yet found out, perhaps she never would at the rate things were going. Don't think like that, she reprimanded herself sharply. It was easy these days, to be bitter. Too easy.
Sitting up, she gave up on the notion of sleep. The moon was just too bright outside, and the sight of it so clear in the sky brought back memories of her time in Asturia. It was funny, in how you never cherish the time you have, until its gone. And then you can't cherish it anymore, because its over.
"Freakin' thing." She muttered, kicking the suddenly-uncomfortable blankets aside. Getting up, she threw on a robe and headed out towards the kitchen. She felt restless. She had some sort of half-formed plan in her mind, a plan on what to do with her life that had just seemed to have crumbled at her feet. But it wasn't complete, and she felt faint just thinking of putting it into action.
The traffic outside was quiet, it usually was save for the odd teen racing home after a party. But then, it was a weekday, so even those were rare. So the sound of sudden honks and shouts caught her attention.
"..get out of the way!"
Shouts and honks right outside her door. Yukari turned slightly, wondering what was going on with the traffic.
Her feet padded softly across the linoleum hallway floor. It was shiny in the moonlight, glistening. She shivered, as the darkness seemed cold. She peeked out the door. Cars rushed by the main road. Her house was situated near the main highway, and so was often visited by rush hour traffic. It didn't seem to busy, as was expected. But the few cars that were out there, seemed to be honking like mad. Yukari rolled her eyes, probably some whole groupie coming home from a weekday party. She knew enough of those to know that they probably didn't give a damn of what the residents of the neighborhood thought of their actions at that particular moment.
"Damn kids." She hated how old she sounded. She blamed them for the reason she was so restless. It wasn't the reason, and she knew it. But sometimes it's nice to have something or someone to blame. Sighing, she leaned against the door. Falling down limply, she sat, her back resting against the front door. The hallway seemed odd from this angle. She'd never seen it like this before. But she was suddenly tired. She missed him, she loved him, she hurt because of him. And she couldn't stop thinking of him.
Sighing again, she rested her head against the cool, comforting wood of the door.
"Where are you Allen?" She spoke aloud. "Come to me, because..." She paused, and closed her eyes to the darkness of her own mind. "...I love you."
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Allen wandered towards a tall house. It seemed quiet, and away from the traffic. At least, partly secluded from the godawful honks and shouts. The words cut, and the noise rang in his ears. He insisted that it didn't affect him, that he was a Knight of Asturia and that he was strong. But in truth, he felt lost. Lost and alone, and worst of all, defenseless. He hated feeling defenseless. Defenseless from the scathing, odd looks from passer-bys, defenseless from the honks and shouts from the machines that passed, and worst of all, defenseless from thinking of her. She just kept popping up in his mind, and he couldn't stand it. Not anymore.
Crossing the short grass, he stepped up onto the front, gravel porch. It was clean, and sheltered, if only somewhat. It wasn't a cold night, at least not overly so. Anyways, he felt numb.
Sighing, he didn't know what came over him, but he suddenly collapsed. It wasn't sudden, but more like floating down gently and ending up on the floor. No drama involved. She flashed through his mind, her dark hair waving in the wind. Her smiles, her laughs, her soft lips.
He squeezed his eyes shut, and sat up against the front door. He promised himself he'd only rest for a few seconds, but the seconds turned into minutes. Get up Allen, he demanded himself. He wouldn't want to wake up on someone's doorstep like some beggar. He wouldn't sink that low, no, never. But he just couldn't bring himself to move. He felt glued to the spot, and not just physically.
The wooden door felt cool, and comforting on his aching back and body. He drew the cloak around him, and leaned his head back against the door. He wondered who slumbered on the other side.
"Yukari.." He whispered softly. What would he give, to see her. Oh, but he'd run out on her, remember. The sharp pain of her betrayal still stung, but even as he thought that, he knew that he was wrong.
It had been a long day, and the heartache from before had masked the fatigue. But now it all came rushing back.
"I love you." He whispered softly. "Wherever you are."
*Author's Note* I don't usually write these, but I decided maybe I'd reach out a bit to whoever's reading this! Well, how did u like Chapter 13? Only 2 more chapters left, and its gonna be...well, I'm not gonna promise anything yet. Happy or sad, I dunno. What do you guys want? I know happy is well..happy, but sometimes a sad ending can be more meaningful. Anyways, tell me what you prefer so I can perhaps make an ending that you'd enjoy! Well, I'm having a BLAST writing this, and its amazing that people like it too, so Thanx! And Happy Valentines Day!!
