FFVIII: Betrayals at Peace

Epilogue


One year.
Has it been that long? I can scarcely believe it. It still seems as if everything happened last week. Maybe its true what they say. Memories and time are relative things; wedded couple hand in hand. Much as we try to, we can never repress them. Much as how we try not to think about them, they always find a way to creep back in our thoughts. Always.
I would have thought that the time away from the Garden would somehow clear my mind. Or ease my conscience, somewhat. It's stupid. One year should have been enough to wipe the slate clean. One year away should have been enough for me to come back with a smile on my face, and my head held high the way I always do as I walk those hallowed halls. One year should have been enough for my heart to finally be at ease.
I had spent the past year visiting Matron at the Orphanage, and then going to Esthar City for a few months. I have done some mountain-climbing at the snowy Trabian Alps. I have even spent days staying at the Shumi village. I have done so many things, just so I could forget about Balamb Garden. I would've thought I'd have been at ease already.
Then why am I trembling?


"Irvine, you dolt! It's not level with the other side!" Selphie shouted, placing her hands on her hips. She took a few more steps backward and made a face. "Higher!"
"It's already high enough, Sefie!" Irvine groaned as he tried to stretch his arms further. The white cloth banner went up a little higher.
All around her, people were being busy, running here and there. It was as if a birthday surprise of magnanimous proportions was being prepared. Irvine and Zell were on both sides of the Garden gate atop high folding ladders, putting up a huge, white banner.
"I can't believe you're taller than Zell and you're straining!" Selphie said, frowning at her sweating boyfriend. "Look at Zell! He's not even complaining!"
"That's probably because his ladder is higher than mine," Irvine replied dryly.
"My arms are aching, Irv," Zell complained. "Just shut up and do as Selphie says so we can get this over with!"
"How about we trade places," Irvine muttered as he tried stretching more. He tiptoed precariously, and tottered. He looked down, at the cadet who was steadying the scaffolding V-shaped ladder. "Damn it, Jojo! Hold it steady, will ya?!"
"I am steadying, sir!" Jojo said. "It's you who's making things totter. Maybe you should, like, relax more?"
"Relax? I am relaxed," Irvine muttered, gritting his teeth. "Is this high enough Sef?"
"Uhm...yeah, hold that," Selphie said. "I'll go ask Iris."
"What?!" Irvine and Zell said in unison, eyes as wide as twin saucers.

I left leaving so many unanswered questions. And not so many satisfactory answers. I hated lying to them---the people I call my closest friends. I hated lying to Zell. To Selphie. To Xu. To everyone. I hated telling them that I fell in love with Squall and Rinoa found out, when things were far deeper than that. We have shared so much together; endured so much together, that it's a blasphemy for me to lie to them. The least they deserved was to be told the truth. But I had to lie. We could drown in our oceans of intrigue. It would just be another fault added to my list of sins.
I am scared. Of being alone. I think it's kind of ironic when I decided to go away for a while to clear my head and sort things out. I ran away from sin by going into something I fear. I tried walking away from those I love, so that I would be able to confront myself.
I looked into Squall's eyes when I said goodbye, and it rended my heart. It's always how he looks at me which made me want to stay. I almost stayed, but I knew that If I did, then things wouldn't change. And I'd live with the pain every day of my life.


"Hmmm..." Iris said, placing her right hand on her waist, and her left hand thumbing her chin. She was frowning; an indication of deep thought. Beside her, Selphie was almost in the same pose, except that her right hand was placed squarely below her breasts.
In front of them, high atop two uneven ladders, Irvine and Zell were pictures of two very tired and very irritated men.
"Okay," Iris said, finally. She was smiling. "I think that's about the right height! Both of you, get those ropes and loop it on the holes you see on each of the corner."
Irvine and Zell let out a relieved breath. "Finally!" Irvine said, grasping the rope and pulling it taut while trying to tie it on the assigned hole.
"It's about time you girls made up your mind," Zell muttered, tying his end. "Our arms were beginning to fall off."
Selphie beamed happily. "There's no way she's going to miss this!"
"I know!" Iris grinned. She turned back to read the huge banner. "She'll be proud! When she's gonna read the mess--!" She suddenly gasped as she read the big, white banner.
"Hey, girls," Xu said, stepping out of the yellow Garden utility vehicle. "Do you think the food's gonna be...Oh my goodness!" She gasped, as well.
"What?!" Irvine and Zell said as they noticed the three girls staring at the large cloth they had been slaving to set up.
"Zell, you IDIOT!!!" Iris suddenly shouted, really angry. "Who did you say did you commission to make this banner???"
"Irvine and I made it together!" Zell replied. "Why? What's wrong?"
"Get down here and see for yourself!" Iris said, visibly angry. She was frowning, as she placed her hands squarely on her waist. Xu and Selphie's eyes were none the friendlier, either.
Zell gave the sharpshooter-cowboy a quizzical look, which the Galbadian answered with as much question. They went down, and started to walk towards the girls so they could take a look at their handiwork. They started reading it.
"WELCOME BACK, QUSTIS!!! From youre beloved B-Garden!!!"
Zell turned to Irvine. "I TOLD you it's 'your', not 'youre'!"
"You said you weren't sure!" Irvine shot back.
"And whose dumb idea was it to omit the 'I' in Quistis' name?" Selphie asked rather heatedly.
"Hey look," Zell explained. "When you're writing four-foot long letters, you're bound to get a spelling error!"
"Fix it!" Xu barked. "Or else I'll have both your hides skinned and salted! Y'hear?!"
Zell and Irvine swallowed. "Y-yes ma'am!" They scurried away.

Those singular times I spent in the Orphanage these past few months had been blessed. Matron was there, but I had always been alone most of the times. I just liked walking by the sea in the early mornings, way before the sun rose. When I was still a child, I remember waking up and seeing Squall already sitting there by the shore. Squall, you said you were waiting for your father to come home. Did you even remember your father then? I watched you, always, behind that rocky dune. The place is still there, now. And I sit there, and watch the sun rise each day. And the sunset.
And even though how much I try not to, I missed you those months, Squall. I hold absence as though its water for a woman in a desert. The first few months, I cup them and hold them in my chest. But I miss them each day. As each day became dusk, part of the absence was swallowed by the sea. Little by little. For one year. But it was never enough. One year is never enough. I still love you, and I still feel the betrayal I made to Rinoa even now.


"No, I will be fine," Rinoa said, gripping the phone.
"If you don't want me to, I won't be here," Squall said softly. "I'll take the next train to Deling."
"I told you, it's fine with me," Rinoa said. "You can meet her. It's been twelve months since she'd been gone, Squall. I don't think it would be proper for her to come back and not see everyone there."
"Then, come here, Rinoa," Squall said. "I think she would want to see you too. After all, as you said, it wouldn't be proper for her to come back and not see everyone."
"I don't know, Squall," Rinoa said. "I think I'm the last person she wants to see."
Squall was silent for a while. "Rinoa...do you still resent her? For what we did...?"
"Don't remind me of that, Squall," Rinoa said. "It's hard enough trying to forget everything. And I have had success doing that. I don't need you to remind me again."
"You and she didn't get to talk to each other before she left, Rinny," Squall said. "I think she would want to see you again."
There was silence on the other line.
"You said you wanted me to greet her," Squall continued. "We've been through a lot together, Rinny. It's been one year. I...I just wish all of us would be back to what we once were before all these mess started."
"I-i'm busy," Rinoa said. "Father's--"
"Rinoa, it won't be over unless everything's gone back full circle," Squall said. "Quisty...I think she has carried her guilt long enough..."
"I have already forgiven her," Rinoa said. "I told you. I already forgave her for what she did."
"Then come here," Squall said. "Come here and help us greet her when she arrives. Please?"
"I-i don't know, Squall," Rinoa said softly. There was hesitation in her voice. And it cracked a bit. "I just don't know..."
"Rinny, tell me," Squall said. "Have you really forgiven her? Deep inside. Have you forgiven here?"
"Y-yes, I suppose so," Rinoa said. She leaned heavily on the wall of her room.
"I want a certain answer," Squall said.
"If...if I'll be able to smile back at her, then maybe I have," Rinoa said.
"Twelve months is an awfully long time, Rinoa," Squall said. "If you can forgive me, then you can forgive her, too. So please. Come here."
Rinoa's breathing can be heard over the line. And then, there was a click as the phone went dead.

Someone once said that sometimes, betrayals at war are childish compared to those betrayals at peace. The costs of the former are only military secrets, or destroyed homes, or lost lands. The costs of the latter are shattered souls and destroyed trusts, and broken hearts. Tell me, which is more grave? The one who said that must have felt both pains. Am I luckier, then, only comitting and living the betrayals under calm, tranquil times? Or am I to be pitied more, knowing that what I did was causing a pain more than the physical?
We slip into the habits of indifference, some of us, to cushion the pain. We hide behind masks, blaming our sins and faults to it, instead of us, the person behind them. And some of us held onto pasts because we felt that we are nothing without them.
I held on to a fanciful motion of romanticism. I still dream of a knight who will become my shield, and who will sweep me off my feet as we ride into the sunset. I still wish that fate sometimes holds the hands of two people, and join them at the right moment, and at the right time. That night, I thought that it was fate which made us share each other's warmth.
Looking at everything back then, I still don't know how many were betrayers, and how many were betrayed. Seifer, Rinoa, Devensor, myself, Squall. Each of us were pawns of passion, but who among us really had the right to do what we did? And do we really deserve the happiness all of us so wanted?


Fujin and Raijin were walking ahead, carrying their fishing gear. Behind them, Seifer was walking at a leisurely pace. Today was the finals of the fishing competition which the three had decided to join in. It had been a grueling four days of fish, fish, and more fish. But in the end, it must have been Fujin's natural flair at the sport which brought them to the final round. The prizes included recognition as the best fishermen of the Galbadia-Balamb region, as well as a considerable amount of gil. Today, their final opponent would be a group from the Fisherman's Horizon.
As the three started to get out of the main gate, oblivious of the activity around them, Selphie saw them.
"Hey, Siefer," Selphie said. The three stopped walking. "Quistis is coming back today."
Seifer just looked at Selphie.
"We could use some help for the welcoming party we're gonna throw for her," Selphie continued.
"Good luck finding one," Seifer smirked, and he started to resume his walk.
"GOOD LUCK!" Fujin said as she and Raijin started walking too.
"Hmph! Ungrateful bastard!" Selphie said as she looked distastefully at Seifer. She muttered. "I would've thought what happened would finally take that stick out of your ass. Apparently, I'm wrong!"
Seifer just shrugged, indicating that he heard that. From the corner of his eyes, he saw Selphie stick out his tongue at him and going back to the preparations. He watched Fujin and Raijin in front of him, arguing about something. His posse. That's what they called themselves.
They had always been there for him. When he thought about it, those two had been the closest persons he could call his friends. Not the type whom he could just tell his deep personal problems with, but close enough for him to let down his guard. Few people saw him in the light those two had.
And then came Quistis. He knew how much she wanted to understand him. Reach out to him, even. It's a wonder how she could be so sensitive and empathic to know that he's hiding so much pain, and yet insensitive enough not to see that he didn't want her help. Of course, that was the fool in him speaking. He had to admit, though, that if it weren't for her, he would've been dead by now. If it weren't for her, he wouldn't have been given the chance.
When he last saw her, she had put on a casual air. A light-blue cashmere sweater which nicely complemented her blue eyes beside those wire-rimmed glasses. She was the figure of a fresh, young woman, and not an Intructor she knew he was wary around. She walked to him while he was in his alotted two-hour free time. That was three days after Cid passed the solitary confinement sentence on him. She just walked up to him and said simply, "Don't fail me. Become a SeeD." And then, she just walked away.
Seifer just found himself standing there, then, looking at the ground. Fujin and Raijin were already a ways off.
"Uhh, boss!" Raijin said. "We're gonna be late, ya know!"
"LATE!" Fujin said.
Seifer was broken out of his reverie. He looked forward, and saw them standing there, looking at him expectantly. Waiting.
"You guys go on ahead," Seifer said, after a moment's silence. "Win the tournament for us. We're already at the finals, so make it your best."
"W-what? But boss! You've been waiting a long time for this!" Raijin said. "This is the final round, ya know?!"
Fujin looked at Seifer for a minute, and then she smiled and said. "GOOD LUCK!"
Seifer saw Fujin's smile. He was hard pressed to remember when the eyepatched woman had last smiled that smile she showed now. It was a smile only a woman who understood could give.
"Thank you," Seifer said. And he smiled back at her. She understood.
"But boss--!" Raijin protested and suddenly let out a loud yell of pain as Fujin stomped on his foot without so much as turning around.
"HUG HER!" Fujin said to him, beside a hopping Raijin who was clutching his foot.
Seifer just smiled, and he turned away and started walking towards the Garden, in the far distance.

It was kind of President Loire to give me a lift via one of Esthar's mini-jets. The last few months I spent back in Esthar City had been one of the most enjoyable. President Loire had been most accomodating.
It had always amazed me how much he was like Squall, and yet, how vastly different they could be, as well. He has all of Squall's inherent charm and much of his physical characteristics. And yet, he was much more gregarious than his son. If Squall would have been as jolly, and as light-hearted, then the Garden would have been a lot more lively. But then again, Squall's mystery is what makes him so darkly appealing.
And President Loire's dedication to his dead wife was remarkable. Few men could have felt the love he felt for her. He was one of the few lucky people who have loved so deeply, and who had been deeply loved in return, without reservation. Without conditions. It almost makes me envious of Ms. Raine Loire. I wanted a love like that. A love that spans across the barriers of life. A love that spans across time.


"Is everything ready?" Cid asked, as he looked at his watch. Most everyone had gathered at the main entrane of the gate now. The message was that Quistis would arrive at exactly four in the afternoon. It was already quarter to four.
"Zell! Stop picking on the hotdog!" Iris said. The young martial-artist immediately stepped far away from the buffet table, whistling nonchalantly.
"What if it'll suddenly rain?" Irvine asked, looking up at the blue sky.
"Don't be so pessimistic!" Selphie said. Wisps of clouds broke the blanket of blue above them. "Hey! I see something! There! It looks like an Esthar 67-A class carrier mini-jet!"
Everyone turned to look at the clear blue sky. Selphie was right.
Quistis had finally arrived.

The pilot told me that we're approaching the Garden now. Hyne, I never thought I'd see it so soon. But one year should be enough time for each of us to think and reflect. One year should be enough for us to let our hearts rest. Time heals all wounds, and although I know that one year isn't sufficient enough time, I would wish that its enough for us to start reaching out to each other, and take the healing from there. A touch. A smile. A word of forgiveness. Although forgiveness had been given a long time ago, I wanted to be sure that this time, after a long absence, we would really mean it. We are all human. And I wish that it would be the same imperfections of our being so that will finally make us forget and leave the past behind.
I hope that Rinoa will realize that life is too short for us to be counting the hates and betrayals, and nurturing the pain. I have already asked for pardon for my sins, both to the heavens, and to the woman who I still consider my friend. If she could embrace me and smile, then I'll know that everything is finally forgiven, and there can be an erasing of all guilt.
This is my prayer. And my hope.


The mini-jet hovered on the great green expanse in front of the Garden before finally settling down. The sound was a silent, soft whistle. When the wheels touched the ground, there was an audible thump. After a few minutes, the engine died with a gradual whine. Finally, the door on the belly of the jet started to yawn open. The door opened to the ground, and doubly served as the ladder. And then, the blond-haired Instructor gingerly stepped out. She was wearing a pink blouse, and dark, hip-hugging jeans. For a change, her hair was let loose, except for a part on the sides of her head where it was braided in small, overlapping steps. She stepped out of the jet, and looked at everyone gathered there. She saw the big banner (which, curiously read "WELCOME BACK, QUiSTIS!!! From your beloved B-Garden!!!"), and she unconsciously placed her hands over her mouth. She had not expected this. So they knew she was coming back! But how? It could only be President Loire. Tears started to fall from her eyes.
"WELCOME BACK!!!" Everyone shouted. Immediately, Selphie started running towards her, followed by Xu, Iris, and the others.
The considerable distance was covered in less than a minute. And then, there was much hugging, and much crying as people in their blue Garden uniforms started milling around the beautiful woman in pink, trying their best to greet her personally. Welcoming her in their open arms.
"Quisty! I missed you!" Selphie said, laughing and crying at the same time like a little girl. She hugged her tight.
"Sefie! I missed you too!" Quistis said, hugging her friend back. "How is everyone? How are you all? I'm sorry I didn't get to write!"
"Everyone's fine," Xu said, as she hugged her best friend tight. She wiped away a tear. "How have you been? Hyne, Quisty, you've grown fat!"
Everyone laughed.
"The students had been in lethargy since you left, y'know," Irvine grinned. "Welcome back, girl!"
"Thank you, Irvine!" Quistis smiled. "You haven't changed."
"Hey, one year isn't much," Irvine grinned and winked.
"I'm hungry," Zell said. Then, he grinned at Quistis and gave her a tight hug. "Hmmm, Quisty. You smell better and better! The past year must have been good to you!"
Quistis laughed and hugged Zell back. "Zell, you idiot!"
Suddenly, someone stole a kiss on her cheek. She turned around, and saw the grinning face of her former student, Jojo. "Woo-hooo! First kiss! Welcome back, Instructor!"
Quistis smiled, and just shook her head. "You do realize you're going to get a few points deducted from your grade because of that, Jojo?" She gave him a mischievous grin.
"Worth it!" Jojo grinned back.
"Welcome back, Quisty," a voice suddenly said.
Hearing that, all sounds seemed to have dissolved away. Quistis slowly turned and looked forward. Straight into the brown eyes of Squall. She felt her breath being taken away, looking into those eyes. And she was reminded of that night in the cabin. She brushed the thought away.
"Squall, hello," she said, trying to stay composed. "And thanks."
When Squall hugged her, she could almost close her eyes and drown in his embrace. It was then that she remembered that it was the first time since that night that he embraced her. But abruptly, the feeling went away as Squall drew back. It had been nothing more than a welcoming hug, after all. She felt a pang of pain when he let go.
"Come," Selphie said as she took her hand. "The others are just dying to welcome you back!"
"Y'mean there are still others?" Quistis said, trying to hide her feelings behind a mask of laughter. At least now, it felt easier. Forget what you feel for Squall, she told herself. Time for a change now.
"Hah! You thought that was the welcoming committee?" Selphie laughed.
They approached the main gate of the garden, exchanging stories and laughter.
Everyone was trying to talk to her at once, except Zell who was complaining about how hungry he was. Quistis felt her emotions a while ago to Squall gradually disappear. She was with friends now. Just friends.
It was then that when they arrived at the main gate, she stopped involuntarily.
Rinoa was there, standing. She was looking at her, expressionless for a while. And then, she slowly walked towards her, and she smiled. And she hugged her, just like that.
"Welcome back," Rinoa whispered. Her voice cracked a bit.
And those feelings came back again, together with those tears. "Rinoa, thank you. You smiled at me. You hugged me."
"Of course," Rinoa whispered. She sniffed, and it took Quistis a moment to realize that the raven-haired girl was crying, as well. "I have realized that its pointless for us to hold back. I wasn't sure hours ago, while waiting for you here. But then, I saw you now, and that's when I realized. Quisty...I don't want to hate you anymore. I don't want to hold on to a pain that's been keeping me dead for a year now. I want to trust you again."
"Oh, Rinny...Rinny," Quistis cried. That was when she felt that burden she had been carrying for the past year disappear. The moment Rinoa told her those words. I want to trust you again. It was the key that made everything go away. Her trust.
"I will try hard," Quistis said, as she let go of Rinoa. She smiled at her, crying. "Thank you for giving me another chance."
"And thank you," Rinoa said, wiping away her tears with the back of her hand. "I feel better now. Hyne, I never felt this good ever since we drifted away. By the way, there's someone who wants to greet you, as well."
"Who?" Quistis asked. They walked into the gate, hand in hand.
Rinoa just looked forward, and Quistis followed her gaze.
Seifer was there, leaning on the wall, his arms and feet crossed. He was wearing that distinctly Seifer look, as he looked at her.
Quistis found herself smiling at seeing the man she defended a year ago. He seemed to have gone back to his former self. Quistis didn't know if she should be glad at that, or not.
She turned to the others.
"Is he..?" Quistis asked.
"Ask him," Xu smiled.
Quistis turned back, and was surprised to find herself looking up at Seifer.
"Welcome back, Instructor," Seifer said. "You look more...beautiful, since that time I saw you last."
"Since when have you thought me beautiful, Seifer?" Quistis asked.
"I would have thought you'd remembered," Seifer said. And then that smirk-grin again.
It was the same grin which used to infuriate her. But now, she just found it rather boyish. "In that court. I said I thought you're a beautiful woman."
"I thought you were being sarcastic then," Quistis said. She smiled. Heavens, he remembered that?
"You have to learn to trust me more," Seifer said.
"I thought the word 'trust' is not in your vocabulary?" Quistis asked, subtly raising an eyebrow.
"It's not," Seifer said. And then, wonder of wonders, he saw Seifer smile. A genuine smile this time. Not a smirk. Or an arrogant grin. Just a natural smile. She could almost gasp. "I did not let you down, Instructor."
Quistis smiled. "You mean...?"
"First Class SeeD," Seifer said. "Gunblade specialist and Field Combat and Tactics expert."
"Oh Seifer!" Quistis said, and she involuntarily hugged the blonde SeeD. "I'm so proud! You're finally a SeeD! Everyone from the Orphanage has finally become a SeeD!"
She felt Seifer holding her close. "And I have you to thank for that, Instructor. I never did show you how much I appreciate all you did. Thank you."
Quistis closed her eyes, and silently cried.

When we can look back at the past, and smile at the pain, then that's when we know that we have truly looked forward to the future. I know that there is still so much I have to do, for everything to be back as it once was before that fateful night more than a year ago. But I am on the right path, I think. In the end, all it took was a smile, and a hug. And the comfort that trust has been given.
I am finally home.



---fin---