Note: yes, as inspired by the song of the same name by that god (*sigh*), Peter Murphy
Warnings: Slash, that is, two guys digging each other. Don't like it, Then don't read it! Flamers serve as nothing more than cheap humour.
Disclaimers: Alas! Those lovely creatures are not and never will be mine! (damnit!) They belong to one Miss J.K. Rowling, however the plot (or lacktherof) is all mine.
Pairing: HP/DM and in later chapters, a mystery guest!
A Strange Kind of Love
It started innocently enough, as most torrid affairs do. I had made a less than desirable first impression at Madame Malkin's. And then I started a silly little feud on the train to Hogwarts. So I perpetuated it over the course of almost six years, we all make mistakes. Now that I look back on what happened, I realize that all of my hatred stemmed from misunderstanding. Not that I made all that many efforts to understand. Most of this I can only attribute to Lucius's up-bringing. It may sound cheap, but you might think differently if you were raised to believe the exact opposite of what you truly knew was right. Moreover, I was raised to do things that I knew were wrong. Here comes my admission of childish behaviour: I hated Harry because he was a better Seeker than I; he was loved and infallible where I was not with the staff and everyone around him. So I hated him.
We had just arrived at Hogwarts to start our sixth year when I started to see Harry Potter for what he truly was. What it was that brought on my sudden change of heart, I'm not honestly sure. It may have been partly to spite Lucius. Partly to spite myself and my miserable existence. But in the end it was completely because it was Harry. But I'm getting ahead of myself. It is a little difficult choosing a starting point to this story because I'm still not sure when it did.
Okay, I will start at the Beginning of Year feast. I had been sitting at the Slytherin table, poking at my food. I wasn't hungry, and even if I were it would take me weeks to eat regularly. This was how it was at the beginning of every year. I had spent most of my summer holiday locked in Lucius's favourite cell. Whenever I overstepped a boundary I did not know existed or said something that was all of a sudden taboo I was rewarded with a generous term of servicing his friends. I wasn't fed unless my mother snuck down to me while Lucius was away. He must have known, otherwise I would have died. She was always his weak point, bless her. Though why she married the man, I will never know. Suddenly, I was drawn back to Earth by the hair on the back of my neck standing on end. Quickly, I glanced around, and noticed that Harry was staring at me. All I seemed capable of doing was staring back. He turned away. What was that feeling in my chest? 'You're going batty, Draco. Harry doesn't want you. He could never want you. And you deserve what you're feeling for being the sick sod that you are.' Still....
It was quite possibly the longest week of my life. Sleep had been evading me quite skillfully. When I did sleep, it was plagued with nightmares of Lucius and his friends. All I have ever wanted was to get away from that man. Still, he was my father. This was not a comforting thought, somehow in light of the horrible things he made me do. The fact that I was steadily losing weight was becoming increasingly harder to conceal. Every time I sat down to do my homework, my mind kept wandering. But it was almost over, all I had to do was get through Double Potions with the Gryffindors. I arrived late to class, 'Thank you, Snape, for liking me.' The only open spot was next to Harry, so I sat down and started taking notes. Weasley and Granger seemed to have been spatting with Harry, judging from the way they were throwing fierce glares at him. The thought didn't give me the usual amusement that took over when someone put Harry down.
We had started to work silently. Harry was adding ingredients to the cauldron as I stirred. Falling into the motion of stirring the bubbling potion, my mind went blank.
"Malfoy?" I shuddered with the abrupt interruption. I looked up to see Harry looking at me with... Concern? Sympathy? No, maybe nothing that strong, but definitely along those lines. 'My God, I have never seen eyes so green on anyone in my life.' A song by a Muggle musician suddenly came to mind.
A strange kind of love
A strange kind of feeling
Swims through your eyes
And like the doors
To a wide vast dominion
They open to your prize
My mother loved Muggle music, much to the disappointment and disapproval of Lucius. That was one thing I can never thank my mother enough for: the love of music. In all the songs I have heard from wizards and witches nothing so accurately said what I felt as a song written by a Muggle.
"Are you all right? You don't look so good," he said, a little apprehensively.
"Fine. Just feeling a little under the weather," I lied.
"Maybe you should go see Madame Pomfrey." He was concerned. I could have burst into tears at that moment. For all the unforgivable things Lucius did to me, and all the unforgivable things I in turn did to Harry... And he was showing genuine concern. That he could put the last five years of torment and abuse behind him because I was overly tired. Concern for me. The only other human being who ever showed concern for me was my mother. And here was noble Harry Potter asking his nemesis if he was okay.
"Harry, I..." I broke off. I couldn't have continued if I had wanted to. He just sat there and looked at me as though his heart were breaking too.
"It's okay," he whispered. 'If only you knew.' Then he would have known just how not okay it all really was. But that look in his face somehow reassured me that he knew exactly how I felt. That thought actually gave me some kind of strength. Strange. Without my enemy showing me kindness, I might not have made it through the rest of the year, let alone that Potions class. He gave me a reassuring kind of smile.
"The potion needs to simmer for a few more minutes, un-agitated," he explained. I nodded. My notes were amazingly complete for me having no recollection of taking them all. Then I noticed that not all of the handwriting was mine. Harry had finished my notes for me! I was absolutely stunned. He must have noticed when I looked up at him. He grinned sheepishly.
"Sorry, but I thought you might want the rest of the notes to study later on when you're feeling better."
"Sorry? Thank you, Harry, I- I'm- Thank you." 'Blundering fool.' Of all the times to choke, now was not the time I wanted to do it.
"You're welcome," he laughed. Honestly, genuinely laughed. A smile involuntarily came to me. Then we made eye contact. The most uncomfortable silence ensued. Boundaries had been overstepped. 'Oh, no.' It was all I could do not to hyperventilate right then and there. 'Calm down, Draco. Nothing is going to happen to you. Harry Potter is not going to lock you up and rape you.' The thought made me almost want to laugh. A sense of calm started to come over me.
"Are you sure you're okay?"
All I could do was nod and offer a forced smile. This didn't seem to convince him, but it was enough to let him drop the matter. We were finishing up when Snape started to walk around. As he approached, I noticed Harry tense. This was an alien reaction to me, since I had never had any reason to fear the man. Nobody really had cause to fear Snape like Harry did, though. He peered into our cauldron and a surprised look crossed his face.
"Well done, Malfoy, Potter. You were one of two pairs to get the potion right. You may go." We gathered our things and left, Harry a little ahead of me. He was heading toward the stairs, on his way to the Gryffindor common room. For a split second, I was almost ready to catch him up. 'And then what?' Good question. He turned. He didn't look in the slightest ruffled to catch me staring so blatantly at him. He just gave me another one of his encouraging smiles and continued on his way.
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That night was the first I slept through with no dreams. It was such a welcome reprieve from the hell at home. I woke up Saturday morning feeling better than I had in months. 'Thank you, Harry.' Was Harry Potter the reason I slept through the night, un-tormented by nightmares of my father? Whether or not he was directly responsible wasn't significant. I knew that he was responsible in some way or other.
Harry had been giving me those same encouraging smiles all weekend, and I found myself returning them. For the first time since I started at Hogwarts I didn't feel totally alone. Now, I don't care who you are, Crabbe and Goyle are not friends by any stretch of the word. They were bodyguards and partners in crime. And I loathed them. All by myself, though, I was nothing more than a whiny little rich kid. Not a soul knew about Lucius and what he did to me. There was no one to confide in. Slytherin was composed completely of people who kept themselves to themselves. Which does have it's advantages. However, we are all human, and we all need love and affection. Harry had given those things to me. Only in a covert way. Only in a way that he and I understood.
My unspoken love for Harry was becoming harder for me to conceal from him. He often caught me staring at him in Potions or Care of Magical Creatures. Much to my relief, he was never flustered, he just smiled at me. As amazing as my will power can be, it always eventually gives out. I was limiting myself to merely watching Harry. As the days wore on, that limit was becoming strained.
Some time after Harry and I had our first conversation, Snape paired us in Potions. I had been hoping for this, but it hadn't come yet. Snape kept pairing Harry with Longbottom. Avoiding accidents, I can only assume. Much as I'm sure Snape would like to deny it, Harry has some way of keeping things together. He was the only thing that kept me going for the last few weeks. Mmm, I would like to tell Snape that. Just for Harry. Harry. Harry was sitting next to me all of a sudden. I started when I realized he was there.
"All right, Malfoy?"
"Yes, how long have you been sitting there?"
"Not long. Shall we get started, then?" And he began to brew our potion. He was explaining everything that he was doing. 'Thank you, I never would have caught all that.' He seemed to know that things were not all right at the moment and took great care with me. Over the past year or so, Harry had become exceptional at Potions. 'Spiting Snape, I imagine.' As the potion was brewing, I was taking notes from Harry's.
"So are you going to explain your despondent behaviour or do I have to force it out of you?" Harry asked suddenly.
"Pardon?"
"I'm going to be totally honest with you, Malfoy. I've seen the way you've been moping about and you've even taken to being polite to me. What the hell is wrong?" I was aghast.
"Did you just ask me why I've been upset?" This wasn't happening. I could not believe my luck. Harry was talking to me. Again.
"Yes, I did. Am I speaking clearly, you look rather confused."
"Um, yeah, I just wasn't sure that I was hearing correctly."
"Yes, you are hearing me correctly."
"I see." I was in panic mode. What was I supposed to say? I couldn't tell him the truth.
"Look, if you don't want to talk to me, fine. But you'd better talk to someone. The bags under your eyes are getting worse every day. You are getting unnaturally thin. You have got to do something before you waste away into nothing." There was almost panic in his voice. 'Well, of course, you stupid git. Do you have any idea what that boy must have gone through to get his bollocks up to say what he just said to you?' And then I wanted to cry. He sighed and looked reprovingly at me.
"Harry, I'm sorry I've been such a horrible wanker and I'm sorry I've been the way I've been to you and..." He sat there looking stunned for a moment. He regained himself quickly. 'Oh, what grace he moves with.'
"And you're going to explain yourself."
"Not here," I was panicking again.
"Fine. Where?" He wasn't going to give up. Bless him.
"I don't know." I couldn't think of anywhere. It had been so long since I had roamed the castle, looking for deserted places to catch a quick snog.
"The unused classroom in the Astronomy Tower. You know where that is, right?" I nodded. "Good. Meet me there after Quidditch practice."
"Why so concerned?" The question was involuntary. Harry looked thoughtful for a moment.
"I'm not sure." I couldn't help myself. I grinned at him. The first genuine display of some feeling other than despair or panic in months. He gave me the same encouraging smile. We were dismissed and we went our separate ways.
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Waiting there in the unused classroom, I started to ask myself why I was there. Why had Harry asked me to meet him? And what did I hope to achieve in telling him the sordid little details of my life? What was I looking for in Harry? What was he looking for in me? How would he react if I were to tell him the truth?
"Hi there." I started at Harry's sudden interruption. He was standing against the door, smiling. At me.
"Hullo."
"Did I startle you?"
"A little. I've been rather jumpy lately." There was no pride for me to hurt in telling Harry the truth. And it was coming out even as we were sitting there. It was already coming out. I felt that familiar panic rise in my chest. It threatened to take me under. It was all I could do to keep myself composed and under control.
"I've noticed." He sat next to me on the old desk. He looked at me and I was again reminded of that Muggle song.
This is no terror ground
Or place for the rage
Quite a confused combination of things was running round through my brain. The beauty of the boy beside me, the horror of my father's abuse, my mother, and that song. The concern in Harry's face, the exhaustion in my body, the pain in my soul, and that song. Harry had his arms around me and I was sobbing into them. It had been years since I had allowed myself to cry. It was better if I didn't cry. Crying made Lucius happy. So I cried harder. And Harry just held me tighter, so I cried harder. After a moment, it subsided. I wiped my face on my robe and looked up at Harry. It was heartbreaking, the look on his face. It sent a fresh wave of emotion over me. Sobbing like that against Harry Potter... if it could have happened, I would have died right there in his arms. At least then I would have died happy. I had to get control of myself. Sitting up and facing Harry was almost impossible.
"Draco?" He used my name! "No please don't start crying again." I looked up and saw that his face was streaked with tears.
"What?" I asked as I wiped his face.
"What on Earth did this to you? This is absolutely unbearable, seeing you like this." Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I did the completely useless thing and started crying again. How could I help it? More beautiful than anything I had ever seen was Harry sitting there, telling me that my misery was unbearable. The boy I had inflicted more misery on than any other creature in my entire life was holding me. Worthless was the only word I think in reference to myself.
"I'm sorry I'm such a worthless sod. You shouldn't be here. You should be happy. I'm sorry I'm such a worthless excuse for a human being." Past the point-of-no-return. It was coming out now. "You're wonderful, you know? You deserve better than this, you always have. Why are you sitting here with me? Why do you care? You should be worrying about yourself, Harry, not some stupid git like me. You should be kicking me for all the things I've done to you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Harry." He was just holding me. And it broke my heart.
"Draco, stop this. Honestly, we all make mistakes, it's okay." He wasn't helping. Fucker had to be so bloody wonderful. He couldn't let me rot. No, that would take something that Harry doesn't have. Something Harry never had and never will have. Which was why I was breaking. A better person than me by far.
"You don't understand. I've been horrible to you because I'm a stupid, selfish slime. I love you and that's why I tried to hate you. I tried to hate you because I wanted to make my father happy. All I wanted was for him to love me." Like I said, past the point-of-no-return. "All I've ever wanted was to be loved. But I don't deserve it. I deserve feeling this way. I asked for it." At this point Harry shook me. Stunned, I looked up at him. I've always had a sore spot for Harry when he was like that. Looking like a hurt child. Looking pained.
"Stop this right now. Look, I don't know what anyone could have done to deserve feeling the way you are obviously feeling right now, but I can assure you you aren't that bad. So we've had our problems, so what? You can't run around, trying to waste away and not expect anyone not to notice. You've been like this since school started. It will stop, is that clear?" He was so forceful, he made me flinch. This only had the effect I had been secretly hoping for. He pulled me to him so tightly that I almost couldn't breathe.
"My parents are dead. I live with the worst Muggles ever to walk the face of the Earth. My two best friends hate me because I've been concerned about you. I know how you feel." Motherfucker had to be so bloody wonderful.
"Harry, I'm so sorry."
"No more apologies." He kissed me very lightly on my forehead, bringing on a fresh wave of tears.
"Mother fucker," I whispered. "Why do you have to be so bloody wonderful?"
Warnings: Slash, that is, two guys digging each other. Don't like it, Then don't read it! Flamers serve as nothing more than cheap humour.
Disclaimers: Alas! Those lovely creatures are not and never will be mine! (damnit!) They belong to one Miss J.K. Rowling, however the plot (or lacktherof) is all mine.
Pairing: HP/DM and in later chapters, a mystery guest!
A Strange Kind of Love
It started innocently enough, as most torrid affairs do. I had made a less than desirable first impression at Madame Malkin's. And then I started a silly little feud on the train to Hogwarts. So I perpetuated it over the course of almost six years, we all make mistakes. Now that I look back on what happened, I realize that all of my hatred stemmed from misunderstanding. Not that I made all that many efforts to understand. Most of this I can only attribute to Lucius's up-bringing. It may sound cheap, but you might think differently if you were raised to believe the exact opposite of what you truly knew was right. Moreover, I was raised to do things that I knew were wrong. Here comes my admission of childish behaviour: I hated Harry because he was a better Seeker than I; he was loved and infallible where I was not with the staff and everyone around him. So I hated him.
We had just arrived at Hogwarts to start our sixth year when I started to see Harry Potter for what he truly was. What it was that brought on my sudden change of heart, I'm not honestly sure. It may have been partly to spite Lucius. Partly to spite myself and my miserable existence. But in the end it was completely because it was Harry. But I'm getting ahead of myself. It is a little difficult choosing a starting point to this story because I'm still not sure when it did.
Okay, I will start at the Beginning of Year feast. I had been sitting at the Slytherin table, poking at my food. I wasn't hungry, and even if I were it would take me weeks to eat regularly. This was how it was at the beginning of every year. I had spent most of my summer holiday locked in Lucius's favourite cell. Whenever I overstepped a boundary I did not know existed or said something that was all of a sudden taboo I was rewarded with a generous term of servicing his friends. I wasn't fed unless my mother snuck down to me while Lucius was away. He must have known, otherwise I would have died. She was always his weak point, bless her. Though why she married the man, I will never know. Suddenly, I was drawn back to Earth by the hair on the back of my neck standing on end. Quickly, I glanced around, and noticed that Harry was staring at me. All I seemed capable of doing was staring back. He turned away. What was that feeling in my chest? 'You're going batty, Draco. Harry doesn't want you. He could never want you. And you deserve what you're feeling for being the sick sod that you are.' Still....
It was quite possibly the longest week of my life. Sleep had been evading me quite skillfully. When I did sleep, it was plagued with nightmares of Lucius and his friends. All I have ever wanted was to get away from that man. Still, he was my father. This was not a comforting thought, somehow in light of the horrible things he made me do. The fact that I was steadily losing weight was becoming increasingly harder to conceal. Every time I sat down to do my homework, my mind kept wandering. But it was almost over, all I had to do was get through Double Potions with the Gryffindors. I arrived late to class, 'Thank you, Snape, for liking me.' The only open spot was next to Harry, so I sat down and started taking notes. Weasley and Granger seemed to have been spatting with Harry, judging from the way they were throwing fierce glares at him. The thought didn't give me the usual amusement that took over when someone put Harry down.
We had started to work silently. Harry was adding ingredients to the cauldron as I stirred. Falling into the motion of stirring the bubbling potion, my mind went blank.
"Malfoy?" I shuddered with the abrupt interruption. I looked up to see Harry looking at me with... Concern? Sympathy? No, maybe nothing that strong, but definitely along those lines. 'My God, I have never seen eyes so green on anyone in my life.' A song by a Muggle musician suddenly came to mind.
A strange kind of love
A strange kind of feeling
Swims through your eyes
And like the doors
To a wide vast dominion
They open to your prize
My mother loved Muggle music, much to the disappointment and disapproval of Lucius. That was one thing I can never thank my mother enough for: the love of music. In all the songs I have heard from wizards and witches nothing so accurately said what I felt as a song written by a Muggle.
"Are you all right? You don't look so good," he said, a little apprehensively.
"Fine. Just feeling a little under the weather," I lied.
"Maybe you should go see Madame Pomfrey." He was concerned. I could have burst into tears at that moment. For all the unforgivable things Lucius did to me, and all the unforgivable things I in turn did to Harry... And he was showing genuine concern. That he could put the last five years of torment and abuse behind him because I was overly tired. Concern for me. The only other human being who ever showed concern for me was my mother. And here was noble Harry Potter asking his nemesis if he was okay.
"Harry, I..." I broke off. I couldn't have continued if I had wanted to. He just sat there and looked at me as though his heart were breaking too.
"It's okay," he whispered. 'If only you knew.' Then he would have known just how not okay it all really was. But that look in his face somehow reassured me that he knew exactly how I felt. That thought actually gave me some kind of strength. Strange. Without my enemy showing me kindness, I might not have made it through the rest of the year, let alone that Potions class. He gave me a reassuring kind of smile.
"The potion needs to simmer for a few more minutes, un-agitated," he explained. I nodded. My notes were amazingly complete for me having no recollection of taking them all. Then I noticed that not all of the handwriting was mine. Harry had finished my notes for me! I was absolutely stunned. He must have noticed when I looked up at him. He grinned sheepishly.
"Sorry, but I thought you might want the rest of the notes to study later on when you're feeling better."
"Sorry? Thank you, Harry, I- I'm- Thank you." 'Blundering fool.' Of all the times to choke, now was not the time I wanted to do it.
"You're welcome," he laughed. Honestly, genuinely laughed. A smile involuntarily came to me. Then we made eye contact. The most uncomfortable silence ensued. Boundaries had been overstepped. 'Oh, no.' It was all I could do not to hyperventilate right then and there. 'Calm down, Draco. Nothing is going to happen to you. Harry Potter is not going to lock you up and rape you.' The thought made me almost want to laugh. A sense of calm started to come over me.
"Are you sure you're okay?"
All I could do was nod and offer a forced smile. This didn't seem to convince him, but it was enough to let him drop the matter. We were finishing up when Snape started to walk around. As he approached, I noticed Harry tense. This was an alien reaction to me, since I had never had any reason to fear the man. Nobody really had cause to fear Snape like Harry did, though. He peered into our cauldron and a surprised look crossed his face.
"Well done, Malfoy, Potter. You were one of two pairs to get the potion right. You may go." We gathered our things and left, Harry a little ahead of me. He was heading toward the stairs, on his way to the Gryffindor common room. For a split second, I was almost ready to catch him up. 'And then what?' Good question. He turned. He didn't look in the slightest ruffled to catch me staring so blatantly at him. He just gave me another one of his encouraging smiles and continued on his way.
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That night was the first I slept through with no dreams. It was such a welcome reprieve from the hell at home. I woke up Saturday morning feeling better than I had in months. 'Thank you, Harry.' Was Harry Potter the reason I slept through the night, un-tormented by nightmares of my father? Whether or not he was directly responsible wasn't significant. I knew that he was responsible in some way or other.
Harry had been giving me those same encouraging smiles all weekend, and I found myself returning them. For the first time since I started at Hogwarts I didn't feel totally alone. Now, I don't care who you are, Crabbe and Goyle are not friends by any stretch of the word. They were bodyguards and partners in crime. And I loathed them. All by myself, though, I was nothing more than a whiny little rich kid. Not a soul knew about Lucius and what he did to me. There was no one to confide in. Slytherin was composed completely of people who kept themselves to themselves. Which does have it's advantages. However, we are all human, and we all need love and affection. Harry had given those things to me. Only in a covert way. Only in a way that he and I understood.
My unspoken love for Harry was becoming harder for me to conceal from him. He often caught me staring at him in Potions or Care of Magical Creatures. Much to my relief, he was never flustered, he just smiled at me. As amazing as my will power can be, it always eventually gives out. I was limiting myself to merely watching Harry. As the days wore on, that limit was becoming strained.
Some time after Harry and I had our first conversation, Snape paired us in Potions. I had been hoping for this, but it hadn't come yet. Snape kept pairing Harry with Longbottom. Avoiding accidents, I can only assume. Much as I'm sure Snape would like to deny it, Harry has some way of keeping things together. He was the only thing that kept me going for the last few weeks. Mmm, I would like to tell Snape that. Just for Harry. Harry. Harry was sitting next to me all of a sudden. I started when I realized he was there.
"All right, Malfoy?"
"Yes, how long have you been sitting there?"
"Not long. Shall we get started, then?" And he began to brew our potion. He was explaining everything that he was doing. 'Thank you, I never would have caught all that.' He seemed to know that things were not all right at the moment and took great care with me. Over the past year or so, Harry had become exceptional at Potions. 'Spiting Snape, I imagine.' As the potion was brewing, I was taking notes from Harry's.
"So are you going to explain your despondent behaviour or do I have to force it out of you?" Harry asked suddenly.
"Pardon?"
"I'm going to be totally honest with you, Malfoy. I've seen the way you've been moping about and you've even taken to being polite to me. What the hell is wrong?" I was aghast.
"Did you just ask me why I've been upset?" This wasn't happening. I could not believe my luck. Harry was talking to me. Again.
"Yes, I did. Am I speaking clearly, you look rather confused."
"Um, yeah, I just wasn't sure that I was hearing correctly."
"Yes, you are hearing me correctly."
"I see." I was in panic mode. What was I supposed to say? I couldn't tell him the truth.
"Look, if you don't want to talk to me, fine. But you'd better talk to someone. The bags under your eyes are getting worse every day. You are getting unnaturally thin. You have got to do something before you waste away into nothing." There was almost panic in his voice. 'Well, of course, you stupid git. Do you have any idea what that boy must have gone through to get his bollocks up to say what he just said to you?' And then I wanted to cry. He sighed and looked reprovingly at me.
"Harry, I'm sorry I've been such a horrible wanker and I'm sorry I've been the way I've been to you and..." He sat there looking stunned for a moment. He regained himself quickly. 'Oh, what grace he moves with.'
"And you're going to explain yourself."
"Not here," I was panicking again.
"Fine. Where?" He wasn't going to give up. Bless him.
"I don't know." I couldn't think of anywhere. It had been so long since I had roamed the castle, looking for deserted places to catch a quick snog.
"The unused classroom in the Astronomy Tower. You know where that is, right?" I nodded. "Good. Meet me there after Quidditch practice."
"Why so concerned?" The question was involuntary. Harry looked thoughtful for a moment.
"I'm not sure." I couldn't help myself. I grinned at him. The first genuine display of some feeling other than despair or panic in months. He gave me the same encouraging smile. We were dismissed and we went our separate ways.
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Waiting there in the unused classroom, I started to ask myself why I was there. Why had Harry asked me to meet him? And what did I hope to achieve in telling him the sordid little details of my life? What was I looking for in Harry? What was he looking for in me? How would he react if I were to tell him the truth?
"Hi there." I started at Harry's sudden interruption. He was standing against the door, smiling. At me.
"Hullo."
"Did I startle you?"
"A little. I've been rather jumpy lately." There was no pride for me to hurt in telling Harry the truth. And it was coming out even as we were sitting there. It was already coming out. I felt that familiar panic rise in my chest. It threatened to take me under. It was all I could do to keep myself composed and under control.
"I've noticed." He sat next to me on the old desk. He looked at me and I was again reminded of that Muggle song.
This is no terror ground
Or place for the rage
Quite a confused combination of things was running round through my brain. The beauty of the boy beside me, the horror of my father's abuse, my mother, and that song. The concern in Harry's face, the exhaustion in my body, the pain in my soul, and that song. Harry had his arms around me and I was sobbing into them. It had been years since I had allowed myself to cry. It was better if I didn't cry. Crying made Lucius happy. So I cried harder. And Harry just held me tighter, so I cried harder. After a moment, it subsided. I wiped my face on my robe and looked up at Harry. It was heartbreaking, the look on his face. It sent a fresh wave of emotion over me. Sobbing like that against Harry Potter... if it could have happened, I would have died right there in his arms. At least then I would have died happy. I had to get control of myself. Sitting up and facing Harry was almost impossible.
"Draco?" He used my name! "No please don't start crying again." I looked up and saw that his face was streaked with tears.
"What?" I asked as I wiped his face.
"What on Earth did this to you? This is absolutely unbearable, seeing you like this." Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I did the completely useless thing and started crying again. How could I help it? More beautiful than anything I had ever seen was Harry sitting there, telling me that my misery was unbearable. The boy I had inflicted more misery on than any other creature in my entire life was holding me. Worthless was the only word I think in reference to myself.
"I'm sorry I'm such a worthless sod. You shouldn't be here. You should be happy. I'm sorry I'm such a worthless excuse for a human being." Past the point-of-no-return. It was coming out now. "You're wonderful, you know? You deserve better than this, you always have. Why are you sitting here with me? Why do you care? You should be worrying about yourself, Harry, not some stupid git like me. You should be kicking me for all the things I've done to you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Harry." He was just holding me. And it broke my heart.
"Draco, stop this. Honestly, we all make mistakes, it's okay." He wasn't helping. Fucker had to be so bloody wonderful. He couldn't let me rot. No, that would take something that Harry doesn't have. Something Harry never had and never will have. Which was why I was breaking. A better person than me by far.
"You don't understand. I've been horrible to you because I'm a stupid, selfish slime. I love you and that's why I tried to hate you. I tried to hate you because I wanted to make my father happy. All I wanted was for him to love me." Like I said, past the point-of-no-return. "All I've ever wanted was to be loved. But I don't deserve it. I deserve feeling this way. I asked for it." At this point Harry shook me. Stunned, I looked up at him. I've always had a sore spot for Harry when he was like that. Looking like a hurt child. Looking pained.
"Stop this right now. Look, I don't know what anyone could have done to deserve feeling the way you are obviously feeling right now, but I can assure you you aren't that bad. So we've had our problems, so what? You can't run around, trying to waste away and not expect anyone not to notice. You've been like this since school started. It will stop, is that clear?" He was so forceful, he made me flinch. This only had the effect I had been secretly hoping for. He pulled me to him so tightly that I almost couldn't breathe.
"My parents are dead. I live with the worst Muggles ever to walk the face of the Earth. My two best friends hate me because I've been concerned about you. I know how you feel." Motherfucker had to be so bloody wonderful.
"Harry, I'm so sorry."
"No more apologies." He kissed me very lightly on my forehead, bringing on a fresh wave of tears.
"Mother fucker," I whispered. "Why do you have to be so bloody wonderful?"
