Jane didn't like being coddled. After the miscarriage, the amount of fussing and restrictions at the hospital had been bad enough, but when she'd agreed to be released to Maura she hadn't counted on Ma. Every minute she was there, arranging cushions, fussing over her. Tucking her in at night, getting her cups of tea. Wanting to talk about it.

Jane had had enough for one day when Maura got home from work. Maura called a greeting into the house, clearly relieved to see Jane on the couch by the smile on her face. She hovered, clearly hesitant, before turning away and going to the kitchen to greet Angela, driven away by the impatience on Jane's face. Jane tried to feel bad about that, she really did, but it was a relief to be left alone for a moment. To have Ma's attention focused on someone else even for a few minutes.

She did feel bad about it, later that night. Angela tucked her in like she was a five year old again. Like a helpless child. She'd turned in early, just to get some peace and quiet, longing for her own home. Her own space. Her own domain. She woke a little later, having forgotten to take her painkillers before bed, her body remembering to pain of the beating, the bullet, the scalpel. Remembering the events as they'd happened, wondering what she could have done to prevent it. Tasha was safe, that was all that mattered, and Jane hadn't suffered any permanent damage. Nothing that wouldn't heal except the hole in her heart where she'd started making space for a child. Being turned down for fostering by social services had made it even harder, but it made sense. In her state, she couldn't even defend herself, let alone protect a child.

She took a pill and drank from the cup at the side of the bed, trying to calm down. And then she heard it, Maura still in the kitchen, her breathing pattern off. Jane knew what it sounded like when Maura cried, and this was it. Had it been Jane, had she just had a bad day at work, or had she broken up with Jack? Why was she crying alone, when Jane was right here? Did she feel like Jane's recent loss was too much for her to burden Jane with her own problems? Jane lay back down, wanting to get up, but not wanting to intrude on Maura in her own home.

A few minutes later, Maura stood in the doorway to the spare room. Jane could see the shadow on the wall as she faced away from the door. Maura took a half step, then another, then Jane felt Maura's weight settle on the bed as she sat, felt a timid hand reach out and stroke her back, up and down a few times before reaching down to find the bare skin of Jane's hand, clasping it in desperation. Her breathing was still off somehow, and Jane rolled over to face her.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," Maura said, pulling her hand away and rubbing her face.

"I was awake," Jane said, trying to make Maura feel better. "What's up?"

From the light in the hall Jane could see Maura's face, drawn and tight, as she tried not to cry.

"It's nothing," Maura said. "Long day."

"Had a few of those lately," Jane remarked, sitting up, clutching at her stomach as she did. "Nightmares don't help none," she added. She could see Maura wanting to ask how she was, if she was in pain, but it was a stand-off, both afraid of overstepping. "Would you mind staying until I fall asleep again?" Jane asked quietly, trying to make it sound harder to ask than it was. She wasn't asking for herself; she wanted Maura to have the company she'd crept in here to seek. She let her voice crack as she added, "Please?"

"Of course," Maura said, sounding relieved, sounding pleased that there was something she could do for Jane. She lifted the covers and slid in next to Jane, running a soothing hand over Jane's forearm. Jane didn't like being coddled, but she knew that having someone else to care for would make Maura feel better. And besides, it wasn't so bad when it was Maura doing the coddling.

Jane slung an arm over Maura, who was finally asleep. The painkillers hadn't kicked in properly yet, and probably wouldn't for a while so it was going to be an uncomfortable time for a while. So she might as well let a slumbering Maura know that she was here for her, and besides, Maura fit so comfortably in Jane's arms. Maura hummed contentedly, sliding her hand on top of Jane's hand, pulling it tighter against her. Jane nuzzled in behind her, wondering when sleeping next to each other had turned into spooning, when it had turned into Jane holding Maura in the night after a rough case. They hugged often enough, and Maura had Jack. But on a really bad night, she either went home with Jane or managed to make sure Jane came home with her. Jane knew most of it was the job, that Jane was the only one who understood the kinds of things that they'd been through, that they had a shorthand when it came to Hoyt and Frost and everything they'd faced together. Even when Casey had been here, and Jane had thought she could get away with it, when she woke up with him it didn't feel like this. Jane was relaxed, and she was knew when she did get to sleep, she'd sleep well. With Casey she was on edge, flinching awake when he moved. He'd been unfamiliar. Which meant that Maura was more familiar than the most significant partner she'd ever had.

Maura sighed in her sleep, trying to roll over, and Jane moved onto her back to let her, let her rest her head on Jane's chest, the usual spot with her forehead pressed against Jane's cheek, breath warm against Jane's throat. She whimpered a little, and Jane's second hand came up to join the other in holding her tight until the scared little noises faded back into easy breathing. Whatever Maura was going through was certainly troubling her. Jane brushed some hair out of Maura's face, wishing she could do more, wishing she could talk about it with her. But while Jane was recovering, Maura would continue to keep her problems away from Jane, as though they'd hurt her recovery.

"Remember when TJ was here?" Maura asked, sounding wistful, and Jane jumped, not realising she'd been awake.

"Yeah," Jane said. "I miss that kid."

"I mean that night he was left here, and we were up all night with him, and he trusted us even though he'd just met us. I would have been his age when..."

"I'm sorry, Mau," Jane said softly, still running her hands across Maura's back.

"You didn't have a nightmare, did you?" Maura asked, not quite accusingly.

"I did, but I'd had enough coddling from Ma all day. I wouldn't have minded if you hadn't stayed."

"I can go," Maura said, sounding uncertain.

"No, you're not coddling me. This is fine. What were you saying about TJ?"

"Oh. The reason this hits so hard..."

"You know Hope loved you. Loves you."

"It's not that, but it's nice to be reminded. No, we were both holed up in here with him, and he kept crying and you kept walking him, and at some point you both fell asleep on top of me. And I looked down, when I woke up, and I had this feeling like I belonged, like I'd found my family."

"We are your family, Mau," Jane said, her voice soft. "You know that. You have every single Rizzoli wrapped around your finger."

"I know. But that moment, it was just you, me, and a baby. You remember that IVF case we did a few years ago? When I saw you hold that baby. And Brian, and Tasha, and... you are so good with children, and I'm trying to say that I'm sorry that you lost this chance to have that family."

"There'll be other chances," Jane said, wiping at Maura's face with her thumb as she started crying again. "I'll have other chances."

"It's not just that... this is so selfish. But it felt like it was my chance too, if you know what I mean. You asked me to take care of the baby if anything happened to you, and I know, as a single mother, you'd have needed Angela and me to take the baby, but in my brain it was that moment again. Just you, me and a baby, in the middle of the night, because it was... because it was ours. So when you... it wasn't like I was just grieving the loss for you. I was grieving the loss for me too, for all the moments I'd anticipated, all the futures I'd built in my own head." Maura tried to pull away, but Jane gripped her firmly, trying to process what she'd just been told.

"Just to be clear, futures with me?" Jane asked lowly. Maura nodded, resigned to the fact that Jane wasn't going to just let her leave the conversation. "With me and a baby?" Maura nodded again. "In what kinda context?" she asked, sounding nervous. Her hands went back to smoothing across Maura's back. "And that's why you've been upset?"

"I'm also upset that you've been hurt, and upset on your behalf," Maura said. "I'm upset about breaking up with Jack, I'm upset about a lot of things."

"You broke up with Jack?"

"He wanted me to meet his daughter, and I don't think I want kids with him."

"But you want kids with me?"

"Kinda?" Maura's voice was very quiet. "It was just one moment, but I hadn't realised until lately how much I thought about it. How much I'd been looking forward to it. I guess I built it up in my mind as 'our' baby, and I know that's insane, and I have no legal claims..."

"If it's insane, then they need to lock me up too," Jane interrupted her, aware of a rush of adrenaline that usually only came from chasing down a perp or being shot by one. "Because that's how I was thinking about it."

"But it's not, and it wasn't, and I should go to my own bed." Maura sounded sad and that was the worst part of the whole day.

"I'd like you to stay," Jane said, as quickly as she could. "If you want to," she said shyly.

"You don't mind?"

"It's not like you proposed, geez," Jane joked.

"I pretty much said I want you to have my baby," Maura pointed out. "Which is a little more commitment than marriage."

"But I already told you I wanted you to have mine," Jane added. "So if we're just having each other's babies, at least one of us is going to need to take some maternity leave."

Maura chuckled, letting her hand rest on Jane's chest. She hesitated. "When I think about all those infinite futures, all the hypothetical children I could have... the other parent is always you."

"Is this a proposal?" Jane asked, sounding like she was serious this time.

"No," Maura said, leaning up to look down at Jane. She kissed her on the cheek, lips brushing against Jane's mouth. She lowered herself again to Jane's chest. "Not yet," she whispered, as Jane's breath deepened into sleep. She knew Jane didn't like being coddled, but she knew Jane liked being the one to comfort someone else, and this time being vulnerable had paid off. "Not yet," she said again firmly, seeing her future and smiling into the dark.


Notes:

Absolutely only One shot.