He got to the loft and walked in up the four flights, knowing there was going to be a large mess waiting for him when he walked in. He was surprised when he entered to find Mimi there, on the phone. She turned around quickly and said his name surprised. He heard her say, "Yeah, he just walked in. Ok, hold on." She handed the phone to Mark, "It's Roger." Mark sighed and took the phone.
"Hey, Roger, I'm…"
"Are you ok?" Roger voice seemed panicked and it took Mark by surprise.
"Yeah, I'm fine, why?"
"Just wait for me there, ok? We need to talk."
"Well,
I was just going to shower and go to bed…" He had a feeling his roommate wasn't
going to accept these excuses, and he knew they needed to talk. His mind had settled enough to know he
required help, and he knew he had to ask for it.
"No, just wait there with Mimi, ok? I'll be there in five minutes." Roger hung up the phone and Mark did the same, walking slowly to the base. He finally looked at Mimi, who was looking at him with sadness in her eyes.
"What's wrong? What happened?" Now he was starting to panic, maybe this wasn't about him. Perhaps something was wrong, his mind screamed as images of hundreds of possibilities flashed through it.
"Nothing happened, we were just worried about you." His mind calming a little bit he nodded.
"I kind of flipped out earlier…"
"Yeah, you did. Everyone is out looking for you, we
thought…" She choked back the rest of her sentence as she embraced Mark. "You're going to be ok, that's what
matters." All he could was nod, because
the phone began ringing. Mimi let go
and answered it.
"Hello… yeah, he just got home... Roger's coming back here... I don't know… I don't know… maybe later… ok, we'll call you at home… love you too." She hung up the phone, "That was Joanne, her and Maureen were just checking in."
"Maureen was looking for me?" His eyes widened and her could feel the stress starting in his shoulders, but he put it out of his mind and sat down, trying to control himself, but losing the battle.
The front door flew open, and Roger and Benny came rushing in. Mark was surprised again tonight… Benny? Why would Benny be with Roger? They hated each other. But the reality soon hit him. Benny told them. He had to, it all made sense. They must have thought he was going to hurt himself. He automatically got defensive and stood up straight. He would have to prove to them that he was all right.
"Christ, Benny what happened?" Mimi almost squealed as she walked up to Benny, touching his face. He instantly backed away from her touch, nodding towards Roger. She turned to her boyfriend, "You did that? What the hell were you thinking?"
Roger barely heard her; he was walking toward Mark, who had silently slipped to the back wall, as if he could hide. "Where were you?" Mark could tell it was taking every ounce of control that Roger had not to yell at him.
Mark then doubled that amount of control and plainly replied, "just out."
"Just out? We have been looking for you all over the Lower East Side!"
Mark couldn't help but laugh,
"You know, New York is much bigger than Alphabet City." By this point Mimi and Benny, who now had
ice wrapped in a paper towel over his cheek, approached them, forming a
semi-circle around Mark. He turned
towards Benny. "You told them, didn't
you?" He laughed again as he said it,
losing control, but trying to show he was in control.
"Yeah man, I'm sorry, but I had too." Mark looked at Mimi, who gave him a compassionate smile, and then Roger who looked scared.
"You should have told us yourself." Mark just shook his head, stepping further back, so that he flat against the wall. "Mark, we're your friends, we're here for you, why didn't you tell us?" Roger stepped closer to Mark, who now had his head down, wiping his eyes. Roger barely whispered, "Why didn't you tell me?" Mark kept his head down, fighting off the instinct to run, the instinct to yell, the instinct to cry. He concentrated as hard as he could on remaining in control. But his hands started shaking, and his breath shortened, and he knew he was losing the battle.
The front door opened again, and this time Collins came barreling in. "Any news?" The last word was almost dropped as he noticed Mark cowering against the wall, surrounded. He walked over the group and approached Mark, reaching out to his shoulder. Mark ducked away from him and moved away from the wall. "Mark…"
"Just… leave me… just leave me alone ok? I can't deal with this." He pleaded with his friends, but they all remained. Mark was sobbing now, losing the battle with his tears. "I'm fine, I swear, I've just… I've just been a little out of it lately." He couldn't let them see… he couldn't let them know he was out of control.
"Mark, it's ok. We know… we'll help you." Mark couldn't believe the voice that spoke was Roger's. It was genuine and caring, not judgmental in the least. Still he just shook his head, backing up towards his bedroom. Just a few more paces and he could be safely inside… they wouldn't be able to see him lose control in there. He took another step back.
Mimi walked over to him, and grabbed his hand rubbing his arm gently. "Honey, it is ok, we just want to help you." Mark looked in Mimi's deep brown eyes, but quickly turned away, pulling his hand back.
"Don't… don't touch me." He took another deep breath, and slapped the tears on his face, "I don't need help. I'm fine." Two more steps… two more steps and he will be safe. He takes another, but as he about to reach out for the handle, Collins steps in-between him and the door. "Let me into my room." He tried his best to keep his voice stern, but it came out soft and shaky.
"Just sit down Mark and hear us out, ok?" Collins spoke to him gently and Mark shook his head.
"How about if you and I go for a walk? We'll go to the Life." It was Roger that spoke gently this time. Mark looked at him, trying to remember the last time they did anything just the two of them. "I'll buy you a tea." Roger was already standing, putting his coat on.
"No," He wasn't going to fall for it, "I just want
to go to sleep."
"Come on, one cup of tea won't
hurt. We'll be back in half an
hour." Mark knew the rational thing to
do would be to go with him. They would
worry more if he locked himself in his room. He had to make them not worry. "One tea and then you can come back and go to sleep, ok?"
Mark nodded, his hands still shaking as he shoved them in his pocket. Benny brought over Mark's worn jacket and handed it to him. Roger came over and placed an arm over his shoulder and guided him to the door. Over his shoulder he spoke to his friends, "We'll be back in a bit." The three of them nodded as Collins took Mimi's hand and squeezed it.
The two men stepped out onto the sidewalk and began walking towards the café. Mark remained quiet while Roger rambled on about the weather, his band, the traffic and anything else he could come up with to keep there from being any silences. He didn't want to start such a serious talk while they were walking, knowing that Mark could easily turn around and leave. He thought if they were seated in the café, Mark would be less likely to cause a scene. Of course he remembered the Christmas Eve a few years back where Mark was jumping on tables and yelling at Benny and his father-in-law, but he knew these were much different circumstances.
After they seated themselves at a table in a corner, the waiter came over and took their orders. He started waving his pencil towards Mark; "Someone was looking for you earlier." Mark felt his face turn red and nodded and thanked him. He sat there, rolling Roger's straw wrapper between his fingers to the smallest size he could get.
Roger snatched the paper away from Mark, "Ok, look at me, time to get serious."
Mark looked over at him, "Serious, huh?"
"Yeah…" Roger searched for something to say, he knew there were thousands of things he wanted to get out, but they all disappeared. Mark looked at him expectantly, and he just stared back at him.
"Why don't I start?" Mark said smirking; he was feeling a little better than before. "Benny told you what's the matter with me, right?"
"Well, he said you were bipolar, is that true?" Mark just shrugged and nodded, while opening a sugar packet and adding it to his tea that had just arrived. "Mark, why didn't you ever tell me, or any of us?"
Again he shrugged, stirring his tea for much longer than
he really needed to. "Lots of reasons,
I didn't want you to think of me as sick… I…"
"Christ Mark, who are you
dealing with?" Roger interrupted him by
slamming his hand on the table, causing Mark to drop the spoon he was
holding. "In our group of friends, you
didn't want to be thought of as sick?" His voice was harsh and he let out a bitter laugh. "What the hell do you think Mimi, Collins
and I go through everyday? Every day
you remind me to take my AZT, you don't think that I am reminded that I'm
dying?" His voice was getting louder
and echoing through the almost empty café.
"Stop fucking yelling at me, ok? This isn't about you." Mark sat up straight and began speaking in a loud whisper, "When we first met, and April and you were together, and Collins hadn't been diagnosed yet, I didn't want you guys to think I was a freak. I mean… I am a freak, but I didn't need you worrying every time I got excited or felt sad."
"You're not a freak." There was no more anger in Roger's voice, just sadness. "We wouldn't have, we won't treat you any different."
"You don't know that. You were a different person then. It doesn't matter, because then Collins was diagnosed and then April died, and then it didn't seem important anymore. I was feeling fine. I was on Lithium and it was working, so why bother worrying everyone."
"Cause we are your friends, and we love you." Mark rolled his eyes at Roger, keeping his head down and scoffed. "So what happened? Obviously the past few months something has changed."
Mark blew on his tea before taking a sip, even though it was almost room temperature. "I stopped taking the Lithium."
"Why?" Again Mark just shrugged, "Mark, there has to be a reason."
"I felt fine, I didn't think I needed it anymore." He was trying to act like it was no big deal.
"Oh, ok. Well I feel fine, I think I'll stop taking my AZT." They locked eyes for an instant, each exasperated with the other.
"I couldn't afford to fill my prescription and I didn't think it would make a difference, ok?" Mark looked over Roger's shoulder trying to get the attention of the waiter who was sitting at a table talking with some friends. "Shit, this guy is never coming back here…"
"He'll be over in a minute. How did you afford it this whole time?"
"What?" Mark was obviously distracted by the oblivious waiter. "Oh, my dad sent me money. He would send me enough to fill six months worth."
"Did he not send it this time?" Roger knew that Mark never spoke with his father, or spoke about him very often.
"No he did, I just needed it for something else." He started waving frantically, finally getting the waiter's interest and held up his empty cup pointing to it.
"What the hell was so important that you...?" He slapped Mark's arm out of the air, "Listen to me, what did you spend the money on?"
"None of your business." Mark didn't want to tell Roger the truth.
"Hell it's not. Mark, please, I'm trying to catch myself up here." He looked across the table at his companion, "I mean, I've known you for six years, and today I find this out. Please bear with me if I have a few questions."
"Fine, I gave the money to you so you could buy Mimi and your meds. I thought it was more important." The waiter finally came over with the carafe of hot water and interrupted them. Roger sat in disbelief for a few moments.
"I would have never… if I knew…"
Mark shook his head, "Look,
you guys need it to live, I just need my stuff to live normally. Besides, I really thought I would be fine."
"But you are not fine." Mark nodded. Roger couldn't get the sacrifice Mark made for him out his
head. He didn't feel angry anymore, he
just wanted to help him, and make him better. "Can we go get you some? Like
right now?"
Mark looked at the clock that hung on the wall behind Roger. "At 11:30 at night?"
"This is New York, there is are 24 hour pharmacies all over the place." Roger digs in his pockets and takes out a wad of cash and tosses it on the table. "I have money, we can go get it now."
Mark shook his head, "No."
"No?"
"Yeah, no. I mean, No, yeah… no wait… I'm not going to get more."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Look, when I'm on that stuff, it is hard for me feel, it just makes things seemed whitewashed. Remember what you said to me after Angel's funeral. About detaching from life, and being numb. I'm not numb anymore." He looked so earnest, staring back at Roger.
"You may not be numb, but you are detaching more than ever. You hide in your room and you don't talk to anyone… It doesn't have to be like that."
Mark kept his eyes on the table. He wanted to ask Roger for help. Why wasn't he letting himself? What was keeping him from feeling better? "Things will be different from now on."
"How can you say that? You don't have control over..."
"I DO HAVE CONTROL!" Icy tears form in Mark's eyes as he banged his fist on the table as he stood up. He didn't bother lowering his voice, "For the first time in years, I'm in control of my emotions…" As he spoke, he began shaking again and the tears began escaping. He tried to fight them, he wrinkled his mouth, shut his eyes, held his breath, but they kept coming.
Roger stood up and walked over to Mark, grabbing his shoulder and pulling him in for an embrace. He held him while Mark wept. His entire body was trembling and Roger had a difficult time keeping them both upright. He stroked Mark's head and shushed him, as if he was a small child who just fell and scraped his knee. Mark kept saying "I'm in control…" over and over. Roger dropped one arm, fished enough money out his pocket and tossed it on the table, and then guided his small friend outside.
The fresh air helped Mark calm down a little. The tears finally stopped, but he was still trembling. Roger guided him to a bench and sat him down. He then squatted down in front of him, in order to make eye contact. "Mark, you need help, ok?"
Mark shook his head. "I'm in control…"
Roger nodded, "Yeah, I know you are, but you will be in more control if you are feeling better." He reached out and touched Mark's knee, "I miss you." Mark looked at Roger surprised. "You have been taking care of me for years, it is time for me to take care of you." Mark continued shaking his head, but Roger could tell he was getting through. "We all care about you, and we don't want you hurting yourself." Mark's head dropped further down. "Come on, we can see which one of us is the bigger nag about reminding the other to take their meds." This caused Mark to smile. The reason he always remembered to tell Roger was because he was taking his own stuff at the same time. "We're both going to be ok, right?" Mark nodded, wiping the last traces of tears off his face.
"I'm… I'm sorry Roger." Roger stood up and offered a hand to Mark to pull him up.
"Tomorrow, first thing, we go to the pharmacy, ok? Promise?" Mark nodded and Roger and he began walking home.
