Rose and I continued to meet every day, before and after her class. It was safe to say those hours became my favourite part of the day. They helped break the monotony of endless hours spent silently standing next to a wall. Other guardians have started noticing changes in Rose. She focused more, actually put some effort into her usual training, and used a couple of new techniques I'd shown her one on one. The only problem was her non-guardian classes; which in the grand scheme of things didn't really matter. It would be beneficial for her to put more effort into her studies, even just to broaden her own general knowledge, but at the end of the day, guardians didn't really care for that. The most important part of our education were grades from guardian specialised classes, mostly combat, and the scores from the final trials.
Rose also seemed to enjoy our arrangement. She had opened up more, her jabs becoming less sharp and more teasing. One "morning" she came in, surprised to see I hadn't set anything up.
"Um, Dimitri? Are we not training today?" she asked. Rose had no sense of using formal titles of her superiors. She sometimes tried, specifically when she was in trouble, and when speaking to their face. With me? I was lucky enough to hear my actual name come out of her mouth.
I snorted. "You wish. I thought we could use the warm weather before it gets too cold to train outside," I explained.
She shrugged, "Fine by me. Lead the way, Comrade." That nickname, like our routine, had settled in. Sure, it rubbed me the wrong way the first time I heard it, but I soon learned that was just how Rose expressed herself. I had been called worse.
She followed as I led her on a short walk behind the gym. We set our bags on the ground in the centre of a small clearing, which was surrounded by a few tall trees, all still in the safety within wards that surrounded the Academy, keeping us from Strigoi attacks. Sun was slowly setting, but it was still warm enough. We stretched and warmed up a bit, before starting to spar. Rose was steadily getting even faster and stronger than she had already been, but she hadn't managed to pin me down yet.
"I think today is the day," she said, setting into her stance.
"Oh, you think so?" teased, mirroring her. Her grin lessened, forming her lips into a firm line. Her eyes narrowed.
We walked around in circles, each carefully watching the other, preparing for a strike. Rose's body appeared loose, but I knew she would tense up the moment she needed. That moment came sooner than later. She launched at me at all her speed; I could only dodge away at the last second. I returned the attack only a second after – and there we were, going head-to-head at each other.
In a split second, I found the perfect opener to knock her over and pin her down. But my hold on her wasn't good enough. Combining that with her speed, she got a hold of me soon after.
She flipped us over, grabbing my wrists and pinning them above my head. She laughed and leaned closer to my face. "Fuck. Yes," she swore in delight. I couldn't help but laugh myself. She just seemed so happy; her whole face had brightened up. It was then when I first really looked at her. Big brown eyes, pillowy lips, stretched in a big grin, her sun-kissed skin. A lock of her hair had escaped her high ponytail during our fighting.
"Your hair," I let out. It was as if that lock suddenly became the centre of my world.
"Oh," she replied, blowing it away from her face. She let go of my wrists and sat back on my lap, too focused on her hair to realise the awkward position we were in. "I guess I haven't cut it yet," she said, more to herself than me.
"What do you mean?" l asked. She looked down at me, finally realising she was still sitting on me. She rolled off and laid down on the short grass. "That's the next step, isn't it? Cutting my hair, like other female guardians. So I'll be able to show off my promise mark and my molnijas."
The marks she spoke off were indications of each guardian's skill – upon finishing final trials and graduation, each Novice received the promise one as a sign of their accomplishment and a promise to serve, although that latter part was more symbolic in some cases. The women in my family all bore one, but none of them served as guardians; rather did so for the community they lived in. It was a tradition passed upon by our grandmother, Yeva. It did my sisters well as none of them actively wanted to guard. I couldn't imagine Rose in their position. She felt the duty to protect, specifically Lissa, more than some much older guardians I knew. She wanted to fight; she had to, even.
Molnijas, on the other hand, were individual tattoos marking each kill guardian made. I personally had six. But they were more than just a tally. They represented lives saved; lives lost. There was one I would never get to have, marking the loss of my best friend Ivan and my guarding partner, Pieter. That empty spot on the back of my neck, where these tattoos laid, resonated with the emptiness inside of me.
There was another type of a mark, Zvezda. It was as rare as the occasions in which guardians got them – battles. Whenever there was a battle in which there was no way to determine how many kills each guardian got, or the tally got too high, Zvezda was implemented instead of a group of molnijas.
"It's not obligatory. I mean, look at me," I argued for the case of guardians having long hair. I saw from the corner of my eye that she did, in fact, turn her head towards me for a moment.
"It's just... It seems to me, that's the fate of every female guardian. To not be pretty anymore. I saw it happen, with my mom and with Alberta, for example. They are still beautiful, but not in the way they used to be," she explained. I didn't respond for a moment. I thought of my family, full of beautiful women. They did keep their hair long, but they weren't guardians. Thinking over most of the female guardians I knew, Rose had a point. Most of them did cut their hair. Not only to show off their marks; long hair was dangerous for a Strigoi to get a hold of mid-fight, which could lead to them incapacitating you.
While I wouldn't say they became less beautiful because they were guardians, they did harden up. Displayed their beauty through their skill, rather than just looks. Beauty was subjective anyway.
"I think there's beauty in powerful women, whether or not they are conventionally attractive. Besides, that won't happen to you. You're too..." Full of life. Gorgeous.
What?
When had I started thinking of her in that way? I shouldn't, it wasn't my place to. "It won't happen to you," I just repeated and met her gaze. She was staring at me in wonder. "And my hair?" she asked.
"Wear it up, Roza," I replied gently.
"Roza?" she asked, her cheeks slightly reddening. If she hadn't pointed it out, I wouldn't have realised I'd called her anything different than usual.
"Sorry, a slip of the tongue. Roza is your name in Russian," l explained, trying not to show my embarrassment. As much as I was versed in English, my native language did sometimes slip through – especially if I had just spent time extensive thinking about it or was distracted in some way. This situation could constitute as a mix of both.
"Oh," she said surprised. She turned her head away from me, grinning at the darkening sky. "Thank you for the language lesson, Comrade," she teased, closing her eyes. I chucked. I realised I finally wanted to point out something I noticed about the nickname she oh so graciously blessed me with.
"You know what I find funny?" I started with a question.
She hummed.
"You find anything funny?" she laughed. I decided to ignore the beat my heart skipped at that sweet sound.
"Ha-ha. But seriously, what I find funny is how you decided to call me, a Russian, by an English translation. Why not just use the Russian word?" She looked at me with bewildered eyes.
"Wait, you don't say "comrade" in Russia?"
"No, it's "tovarisch"," I replied.
"My whole life has been a lie," she stated with fake outrage. I let out a short laugh and sat up. "I hope you know you've just blessed me with a brand-new nickname for yourself, Tovarisch," she added. I exaggerated a groan. She laughed her heart out. I looked down at her, laying with her eyes closed, with a big grin plastered on her face, looking completely relaxed. Looking beautiful.
Oh, no.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
"I could stay here all day," she stated, interrupting my internal panic.
"Too bad there's this pesky thing called "high school" waiting for you," I replied and stood up, extending my hand to her. She groaned and opened her eyes. She took my hand in hers, allowing me to help her up. She shook her fist up at the sky. "You win again high school!" she yelled.
l just shook my head trying to hide my grin. I refused to acknowledge the thought I had before. This moment was perfect. Nothing should disturb it.
"We have some time left. Want to go for another round? See if it wasn't just beginner's luck?" I suggested.
"I'll show you beginner's luck!"
I used to like the sight of my body. Not in a particularly vain way. Well, maybe my hair, I did like taking care of it and keeping it shoulder length. But the other parts of me… While I did notice some heads turning my way, I didn't quite care about my sex appeal. I liked the way my body looked because that meant it was strong, fast, and deadly. It was capable of living a dangerous life of a guardian. Of protecting others.
Not anymore. My hands caressed up and down the three jagged lines, while I was standing in the shower. They had begun to fade, but they were still there. Closing my eyes, I let the lukewarm water pour like rain onto me. I focused on the roughness under my fingertips, on what it represented. Failure. Loss.
I'd come so far, only for it all to fall apart in a matter of one night. Everybody kept telling me it hadn't been my fault, but I couldn't help feeling otherwise. I was there. I came back. I should have been faster, better.
Was that why I was pushing Rose so hard? Because I wanted her to succeed where I had failed? Was it some sort of self-gratification, seeing her become even better, because of me? This wasn't just a selfless act as some of my colleagues thought.
I sighed to myself. Did it matter? My number one job right now was to help her become the best version of herself, so we could protect our charge Princess Dragomir, whom I still didn't know in any way. But that was usual in this line of work. I had no doubt she would treat me as a person, but becoming friends as I'd been with Ivan? There was no way. That was a one-off, such an opportunity would never reveal itself again. I was sure of it.
I turned off the stream and dried myself with a towel I had brought with me. I put on some loose sweatpants and a t-shirt. Walking down the hallway, I could hear shouts of excitement from downstairs. The merriest of the bunch (mostly younger guardians like Yuri) had the night off tonight as I did. At least somebody was in a good mood. I could hear them even once I closed the door, so I decided to fish out my phone and headphones from my sweatpants' pocket and tune in to some music. I didn't get as far as to actually listen to something when a call came my way.
Mama.
I sighed and answered. While I loved her, this wasn't really the moment. On the other hand, hearing her voice could make me feel better.
"Mama," I said, as I pressed 'accept call'. "I told you not to call on this line, it could cost you too much." I wasn't particularly angry, but money was an issue in our home.
"Oh, Mitya, always worrying about us," her voice was soft and homey. Although some of my colleagues were Russian or spoke the language, we mostly preferred using English. Speaking in my native tongue contributed to a wholesome feeling, though my deeply-pushed-down homesickness grew.
"I have to," I responded with a smile, I was sure she could hear in my voice. I sat down on my bed. "How is everybody?"
"Oh, fine, fine. But, dear, let's leave that for later. How have you been? How's work at the academy?" she asked. I sighed, running my free hand through my hair.
"Good enough. I'm not really working as a near guard these days, it's mostly just room guarding, checking wards… The overall security," I explained.
"That's good, that's good. Nothing else?" Her voice had a strange pitch to it. She was more than a normal amount of curious like she was leading towards something.
"Well, there is… How did you know?" I groaned. "Yeva."
I heard Mama's laugh over the phone. "She's been busy."
I let out a short laugh. My babushka possessed a sort of power, some sense of seeing into the future. At first, I thought it was just good intuition or general logic, but her predictions had always been a little bit too accurate. I wondered what she could have seen. Me mentoring Rose. Something… more? I pushed that thought aside.
"I became a mentor a couple of weeks ago," I confessed.
"That's great!" her voice was betraying her excitement. A gentle smile rested upon my lips.
"Her name is Rose, she's a senior. She's incredibly skilled. Mama, she's only a novice, but already close to running circles around me. She's a bit of a hothead, but she does put her heart and soul into anything she does." My heart filled with warmth while I was talking about Rose. But right as I became aware of it, I shook my head, like I was hoping the act would shake the thoughts of her away. Getting so close to her was dangerous.
"She sounds lovely, Mitya." I could hear the smile in her voice.
I swallowed a sigh. "She is. But please, tell me about home. What is happening? Is everybody alright?" I changed the subject. She didn't call me out.
"Same old, we are mostly doing alright," she paused for a moment. "Sonya is pregnant."
I straightened up. "Is she okay?"
"Yes, she's already on prenatal care. It's just… she's being a bit secretive to who the father is," she confessed. I didn't know how to feel about that. On one hand, it was her life, and she could share with us as much or as little as she wanted to. But on the other, the lack of knowing the father could have meant that the conception wasn't as consensual as it could have been. Or that he was a shithead, a Royal, or somebody who in general didn't care about her. Used her. I tried to keep my anger down and focus on her and her baby's health.
"It's her decision, Mama," I simplified my thoughts. I heard her hum in agreeance.
"You're probably right. Stay safe, Mitya. Say hi to Rose for me," she said her goodbye. There was no way I would honour that last request. Rose can't know I talked to my mom about her. She would have a field day.
"Love you, Mama."
"I love you too, dear."
A low tune sounded off the end of our call. I sighed and let myself fall back onto my bed, legs hanging off the edge. "Hanging" wasn't a correct term to use here as my feet were still firmly planted on the ground. Staring at the white ceiling above me, I wondered what Rose was doing right now. It was pretty late, close to her curfew. She was probably getting ready for bed by now, but knowing her she could be easily out there, breaking rules and getting away with them. I've heard her talk to the Princess before, when she thought I was out of earshot, discussing a party either of them definitely shouldn't have attended. I wondered what she did there. Did she dance? Fighting was practically dancing, just on some other level. I wondered how her skill translated into a less violent form.
My heartbeat kicked up a notch. I buried my face in my hands and I let out a groan.
This isn't what I should be spending my time thinking about. I should be thinking about my duties, my family, not her. At least not in this context. If anything, I should be planning our future meetups, and what kind of training she could be doing tomorrow. My mind went to today's pre-class meeting. Before starting her class, we had sparred a couple of times more. While she hadn't won any of those, she came extremely close. After we both caught a couple of breaths of air while laying on the grass next to each other like we had after she had won.
We had stayed silent, unlike before. The only sounds I'd heard were one of the soft wind and our exhausted lungs happily replenishing their supply. It hadn't been an awkward silence. No, we'd both been quite comfortable sharing it, I knew it. Just laying there, sharing a moment, we both had known would come to pass sooner than later.
I opened my eyes, which I didn't even notice closing. I was scared to admit to myself feelings that began to grow within me the more time I spent with Rose. I couldn't back off from her now; I had practically begged her to let me mentor her. She would have questions, ones I wouldn't be able to answer honestly. I couldn't tell her I didn't want to train with her any longer, that would have been a lie.
I had to regain my control. And I guess that meant keeping her at arm's length. Reducing the banter, focusing on work. I tried to convince myself that wouldn't be hard.
It was just another lie.
