Battle of the Prequels: The Ex-Heroes Strike Back
By Katia
katias_box@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: Well here's a news flash: I didn't create Star Wars. This story expands on characters and
situations created by George Lucas, and no money is being made. Enjoy!
Warning: This is a lot better if you read Battle of the Prequels first.

Act One
SCENE ONE
(The scene opens in a conference room. Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie, Lando, and Wedge are sitting
around a table drinking coffee and hot chocolate and looking generally put out.)

Han: Man, that George Lucas guy gets my goat.

Wedge: Yeah, he thinks just because he created us, he can do whatever he wants to us!

Luke: I can't believe he's making more Star Wars movies, and we're not in them. I'm supposed to be
the brave and glorious hero, darn it! How can there be a Star Wars movie without us in it?

Lando: Well he did offer us parts.

Luke: Lando, if you don't have anything constructive to say then don't talk.
Now what are we going to do about this, guys?

(Chewie roars emphatically.)

Han: I don't think that will work, Chewie. The AT-ST's have been confiscated.

(Disappointed growl.)

Han: Sorry, Pal. It's a good idea though.

Leia: Anyone else? (Awkward silence.) Come on, anything at all?

Lando: Eureka! I've got it!

Luke: What is it *this* time, Calrissian?

Lando: I actually have a great idea! Listen...

SCENE TWO
(Meanwhile, approximately 35 years in the past, on the planet Naboo...)

George: Having travelled back to the past, my actors and I will now search
for more characters for my new movies!

Obi-Wan: I feel young again! (Looks down) Hey! I *am* young again!
(Some girl whistles.) Who was that?

George: The author, Katia.

Obi-Wan: Oh.

(Amidala approaches)

Amidala: Good afternoon, gentlemen. I received your message from the future
and I want you to know, I will be more than happy to help you with your movie.

George: Hey, great! That was easy!

Amidala: I'll be needing an ensemble of deceptively cute bodyguards, a large
palace with fountains, a military squadron complete with fighter pilots and ships,
my own personal space yacht, grey interior if that's all right, a new and
elaborate wardrobe, a hairdresser with lots of experience, and a retired
makeup artist from hollywood. (The others stare at her in shock.)

George: Well, maybe not as easy as I thought...but it can be done! (They
shake on it.)

Yoda: Hmmph. Space yachts...fighter pilots...any Jedi craves not these things!

Katia: Hey guys! I hate to interrupt this, but I have a question. What *do*
Jedi crave?

Yoda: Three scoops of strawberry-pistacchio ice cream with fudge sauce and
a cherry.

Katia: I knew it! (Produces Yoda's ice cream.) Here you go, sir!

Yoda: Wow! Thanks!

Amidala: AHEM! Can we get back to ME?

Katia: Right. Sorry. (leaves)

SCENE THREE
(Luke and Crew have arrived on Naboo. Hey, that rhymes!)

Luke: So who's this friend you want us to meet, Lando?

Lando: He's just over here...

(Suddenly who should appear but Jar-Jar Binks!)

Jar-Jar: Mesah called Jar-Jar Binks!

Lando: I know that, toast for brains! Guys, this is Jar-Jar. He's as
annoying as Threepio and twice as stupid. I vote we impose him on George.
The prequels will be ruined! (General cheering.)

Luke: Hey Lando, you're not as dumb as I thought!

Lando: (grinning) Trust me buddy, no one is as dumb as *you* think...(Luke
tries to figure out if he has been insulted or not.)

Jar-Jar: Mesah you's humble servant!

Lando: Yeah, yeah, I've heard this before if you recall. Go tell that guy.
(Indicates George. Jar-Jar trots over. George sees him but not the others.)

Jar-Jar: Mesah called Jar-Jar Binks. Mesah you's humble servant!

George: Hey, great. I need all of those I can get! C'mon! (George, Obi-Wan,
Yoda, Palpatine, Amidala, Jar-Jar, and the droids board George's ship and
they take off. Luke and Crew emerge from hiding.)

Leia: (Snickering.) We did it!

Han: That was *too* easy.

Luke: You complaining?

Han: Nope!

Leia: So what now?

Luke: Dunno. Han? What now?

Han: I don't care. Chewie?

(Indifferent growl)

Lando: Nope. How about you, Wedge?

Wedge: Don't ask me. Hey Katia!

Katia: What?

Wedge: We don't know what to do now!

Katia: Tell you what, you guys have been great. Why don't you take the rest
of the night off.

Luke: All right! C'mon Wedge, let's hit the Strip Club!

Han: Hey, what about me?

Leia: (Grabs him by the collar.) You're coming with me, flyboy.

Han: Oh...okay!

(Lando and Chewie are left alone. They look at each other.)

Katia: Come on guys, let's go back to my house. I want to show you a movie...

Finito