Never Look Back
"I can't do this anymore!" Rinoa half sobbed, half
screamed, collapsing to her knees as sparks from Quistis's last magical assault
danced and crackled about her. Her hair was a sweaty mess that kept getting
into her eyes, her limbs were trembling like aspen leaves in the wind, her
stomach lurching dangerously. "I can't do it." she repeated,
struggling to keep tears from pouring down her cheeks. "It's too much, too
hard. I just can't."
Across
the empty, shielded room they'd been using as an impromptu training center,
Quistis serenely folded her arms across her chest. Not a single sunny gold
strand of hair was so much as mussed, not a bead of sweat even threatened to
form on her elegent brow. For all anyone knew, Quistis had been merely standing
there chatting with Rinoa for the past hour and a half, not bombarding her with
paramagic and deflecting Rinoa's own magical attacks. "Rinoa, you don't
have a choice." Quistis stated flatly and calmly. "If you don't
learn to control your Sorceress powers, you'll be a danger to everyone around
you without ever meaning to be."
She
didn't have to say that Rinoa had already had several near misses. Rinoa
couldn't forget. It haunted her almost contently now. That girl who was
hitting on Squall...that Galbadian solider who was insulting Timber... she
mentally ticked off the tally of everyone she'd unconsciously lashed out at. My
own father... Who was now hospitalized. Rinoa hadn't meant for him to be
hurt as badly as he had been...she hadn't meant to hurt him at all...
He'd
be okay. But that didn't excuse what she'd done to him simply because she had
an immense amount of power and no more idea of how to keep it in check than she
had of how to catch the moon and wear it on her necklace.
Rinoa
clasped a hand around the two rings that dangled from her necklace, seeking
comfort from what they represented. Her mother's wedding ring, and Squall's
lion ring. Symbols of the two people in the world she loved the most. One was
beyond her ability to reach...but what if she accidentally hurt Squall...?
"Get
up. We still have a half hour." Quistis ordered in her most annoying
Instructor voice.
"Shut
up." Rinoa snapped without meaning to, her frustration and fear boiling to
the surface. "You don't know what it's like." Nobody did. Nobody could.
There had never been a single Sorceress alive who bore as much power in her as
Rinoa did...because before, all the Sorceress power in existence had been
spread out. That wasn't the case anymore. One young woman alone now bore all the
power the Great Hyne had bestowed upon his descendants...and that one woman was
Rinoa Heartilly.
"Quite
correct." Edea Kramer's soothing voice agreed from her vantage point in
the middle of the room. Edea had been a Sorceress...she was the only person alive
right now who had any idea how to train one. Rinoa was usually grateful for her
help, but right now, she just wished Edea (and Quistis) would go away.
"Quistis doesn't know what it's like. I do, and I think that's quite
enough for today."
Quistis
nodded, cool as ever. "I have a meeting with Headmaster Cid in an hour
anyway, I suppose I could use the extra time to get ready for it...same time
tomorrow, all right, Rinoa?" Quistis hesitated, then said uncomfortably,
"Take it easy on yourself, Rinoa. You're taking this far to hard."
Rinoa
nodded weakly, sitting on the floor and pulling her knees up to her chest.
"Fine, whatever." she croaked.
"You're
starting to sound like Squall." Quistis said with a shake of her head.
"I'll see you later."
Rinoa
nodded again, but said nothing as she listened to the sound of Quistis's
confident footsteps take her out of the room. "I hate her." Rinoa
said sullenly after the door shut behind Quistis.
"No
you don't." Ediea said confidently.
"You're
right, I don't." Rinoa agreed. "But I wish I could. Everything comes
so easy to her...she wouldn't have any trouble with this..."
"You
don't know that." Edea reassured her, laying a maternal hand on Rinoa's
trembling shoulder. "And as to why it seems like everything comes so easy
to Quistis...Quistis has been in training for most of her life, in both
physical combat and paramagic. Of course she's good. She's also using
paramagic, and not true magic the way you do."
"What's
the difference? Magic is magic." Rinoa said dejectedly.
"No
it's not. Paramagic is to magic what a spark is to a bonfire." Edeaw said,
her tone suddenly turning somber. "And you're a bonfire unlike any other.
Don't be so hard on yourself, Rinoa."
"I
never asked for it." Rinoa said suddenly. "The Sorceress power, I
mean. Couldn't I pass it on to somebody else? The way you accidently passed it
to me?"
Edea
was still. "You could. she admitted at last. "But who?"
Rinoa
was silent.
"Therein
lies the dilemma, Rinoa. There are very, very few women in the world who can
inherit the Sorceress power. Why do you think Adel hunted so long and hard for
a successor?"
"You're
right, of course." Rinoa said miserably.
"And
you know what becoming a Sorceress is like." Edea went on. "It's
painful...and dealing with the power is difficult. Would you want someone else
to have to go through what you're going through now?"
Rinoa
was torn. No, of course not. I don't want anyone else to have to suffer like
this. She told herself. And for the most part, it was true.
But
a tiny little part of herself whispered... Yes. I don't care. As long as it
means I don't have to deal with it anymore...
"You
should go spend some time with Squall." Edea suggested. "I believe
he's with Ellone on the observation deck."
Squall...Rinoa shut her eyes, fingering his ring. "That's a good
idea." Squall always made her feel better...just by being there. She
needed that right now. She needed it badly.
"And
Rinoa?"
"Yes?"
"It
does get easier." Edea assured her, before silently leaving the
room.
Leaving
Rinoa by herself...
"It must have been difficult, being here with us...and
knowing we didn't remember you." Squall said quietly.
Ellone
nodded, leaning against the observation deck's railing to stare out over the
ocean below. "It was." she admitted to Squall. She didn't mention how
she envied them their forgetfulness. She didn't think Squall would understand.
"But I got to watch you...all of you...in the present. And that was
comforting to me."
"But
lonesome?"
"...Sometimes."
Ellone nodded. "I used to think about all of you when I was on the White
SeeD ship, wishing I could see you. Then Edea vanished, and Cid thought it best
to bring me to Balamb Garden...and I could see you. But you didn't know me
anymore." she readjusted her green silk shawl. "I went up to you, and
you pushed me away. Do you remember that?"
Squall
shook his head.
Ellone
sighed. "Just as well. I came to you, and you didn't know who I was. I
didn't understand at the time about the Guardian Forces. Cid...didn't tell me
until after."
"I'm
sorry..."
"It
wasn't your fault. You had no idea who I was." Ellone replied. "You
know who I am now. That's what's important."
"...It
bothers me, this forgetting." Squall suddenly admitted. "Knowing that
if I ever need a Guardian Force again, I'll have to forfeit more memories, when
memories are sometimes all I have of people..."
Squall's
words, from a stolen memory, echoed through Ellone's thoughts...I won't be
spoken of in the past tense!
"Memories
are all I have of Aunt Raine." Ellone said quietly. "For years, they
were all I had of Uncle Laguna. I don't even have memories of my parents."
"Neither
do I." The notion clearly troubled Squall.
"That's
not entirely true. You've known your mother, through Uncle Laguna's
memories." Ellone replied. "You know Uncle Laguna, both from his past
and the present. It's not the same as growing up with them, but it's better
than nothing."
"I
sup...Rinoa?!" Squall looked over in surprise as Rinoa, shaky and
disheveled, came up the stairs and onto the deck.
She
looked first to Ellone, her eyes bloodshot and her nose splotchy red.
"I'm...sorry to intrude." she said. "But I..."
Ellone
shook her head. "It's quite all right." she reassured her. She shot a
look at Squall. Go to her, stupid.
He
was already taking Rinoa into his arms and brushing her messy hair back. Rinoa
buried her head on his shoulder, her shoulder's shaking. Ellone strongly
suspected she was crying. "It's okay." he soothed. "What
happened? Rough training?"
"I
don't know how you survived with Quistis as your instructor." Rinoa's
muffled voice. "She's not human."
"She
never was." Ellone said mildly. "You should've seen her as a
child."
"I
can imagine." Rinoa said with a weak little laugh, peering over Squall's
shoulder at Ellone.
"I'm
sorry. I should leave you two alone." Ellone said.
"No,
it's okay." Rinoa shook her head. "You can stay. I interupted the two
of you."
Squall
shot Ellone a paniced 'don't leave me alone with her like this' look. Ellone
nodded slightly. "All right then."
"What's wrong?"
Squall asked urgently. "More than just Quistis..."
"It's too hard,
Squall." Rinoa said fretfully. "Being a Sorceress. I've never run
from anything before...but I'd run from this if I could."
"But...when
you were with the Forest Owls..." Squall begain.
"That
was different. I understood my foes, and there were people with me who were in
the exact same position I was." Rinoa shook her head. "I'm alone in
this. There are no other Sorceresses."
"And
there's never been a Sorceress like you before." Ellone added softly,
meeting Rinoa's frightened eyes with her calm ones. "Not in our time,
anyway."
Ultamecia
would be a Sorceress like Rinoa, one day, Ellone thought. One woman who carried
all the power the Great Hyne had bestowed upon his daughters. She didn't say
that, though. Rinoa wouldn't want to be reminded of the fact.
Besides,
judging by the haunted look in the young woman's brown eyes, she was fairly
certain Rinoa thought about that more than was healthy.
Matron's
doing her best to teach you." Squall said, rather helplessly. "I
thought you were making some progress..."
"It's
one step forward, two steps back." Rinoa shook her head. "And it hurts.
It doesn't help that Quistis seems to have it so easy...she's so good!
Every time she brushes aside my magic or breaks through my defenses, all I can
think of is how much better she is at this than me..."
"It's
not the same thing. She's had training for years..."
"That's
what Edea said." Rinoa broke in. "But..."
"I
think I understand." Ellone said suddenly. "Squall...do you think you
could leave us? I'd like to speak with Rinoa privately."
Squall
gave her a confused look, but Rinoa nodded. "It's okay, Squall. I'd like
to hear what she has to say."
"....All
right." Squall nodded. "But I'll be back if you need me..."
I
know how you feel." Ellone said quietly as soon as Squall was out of
earshot. "I know exactly how you feel."
Rinoa
tilted her head quizzically. "How?"
"I'm
one of a kind too, you know. I know what it's like to struggle with a power
nobody else can possibly understand." Ellone brushed part of her short
brown hair back behind her left ear from where it had fallen forward.
"...But I'm different from you, too. You want to run from your power.
I...became obsessed with mine."
Rinoa
went to stand beside Ellone, leaning against the railing too. "Really?"
"That's
why I wanted to talk to you alone. I don't think it's something Squall would be
comfortable hearing about." Ellone replied. "I was...a little younger
than you, I think. My power showed when I was young, but I didn't have any
control over it until I was a teenager. Edea helped me figure out how control
it while we were on the White SeeD ship. Much like she's trying to help
you."
Rinoa
nodded. "Go on."
"I
became...fascinated with it. I was basically happy on the ship, but I missed
people. My Aunt Raine, my Uncle Laguna, Squall and the others from the
orphanage. So I took to watching my childhood over and over. I...didn't try to
change anything. Doing so had not yet occurred to me. I just wanted to watch my
past, and live in those happier times." Ellone looked down and smoothed
imaginary wrinkles from her blue skirt. "It got to the point that I was
living more in the past than in the present. And of course, I got caught. I
can't see the past myself, you see. I send somebody else's consciousness back,
and watch through them. I sent those I used back to harmless
animals...birds...the orphanage cats...I didn't force those I used into the
minds of other people. But they still knew it was me, and not some dream."
"So
eventually the people you were sending back figured out what you were
doing?" Rinoa guessed.
"Exactly.
My powers weren't exactly a secret. The children and young adults of the ship
loved me...so they tolerated it for a long while. But eventually, some of them
became worried for me, and told Matron." Ellone smiled slightly, though
there was no real joy in it and much remembered pain. "I expected her to
be furious. She wasn't. She was just...sad."
Ellone
paused. "I think that was harder on me than her being angry would have
been. She just looked at me with her dark eyes and pitied me. I've never liked
being pitied." she laughed. "I'm much like Squall in that. We got our
pride from the same source, after all, his mother. I learned it from watching
her...though he, I'm fairly sure, got it from genetics since Aunt Raine died
when he was just a newborn."
Rinoa
nodded. "I know what that's like. I have more than my fare share of my
father's stubborn pride." she said, without flinching at the thought of
him.
"Learning
not to look back was the hardest thing I ever had to do." Ellone
concluded. "I had to realize that the past was dead, and I had to live in
the present. It was an obsession...and I didn't fully rid myself of it until
recently. If I had, I'd have never sent Squall and the others back the way I
did." She looked back up at Rinoa. "It's not easy. There was nobody
to guide me. Much as Edea can guide you, but only so far. The rest of the way
you have to go it by yourself, and never look back, because if you do, might
have beens and almost was will torment you."
"I've...thought
a lot lately about why it had to be me who inherit Edea's power. I ashamed to
admit that I don't think it's fair." Rinoa confessed. "It's a petty
thought, and not one I like, but at the same time I can't help but think that
one of the others could've handled it better than me. Selphie or
Quistis...they're trained warriors. I'm a sheltered rich girl turned rebel.
Hardly cut out to be a Sorceress of any kind...much less..." Rinoa broke
off, and stared down at her feet, flushing with embarrassment.
"Perhaps."
Ellone shocked her by saying. "But that's not to say you can't become the
kind of person who can be a good Sorceress. I think you underestimate yourself
there."
"I've
been thinking about giving them up, my powers." Rinoa said somberly.
"You
could. I could take them." Ellone nodded. "I was going to be Adel's
heir, you know. I have the ability to inherit Sorceress power. I would take
them, if you wished it. I learned to handle my own skills; I could learn to
deal with being a Sorceress."
Rinoa
shut her eyes. She could be free of this burden, she could go back to being
just Rinoa Heartilly again...
But
could she really, now that she'd been through so much? Could she ever go
back to being the girl she'd once been, Sorceress or not? And Ellone had
already suffered so much from the power she'd been born with...
Ellone
hadn't had any more choice than Rinoa. Rinoa hadn't had a choice; it had just
happened. Ellone hadn't had a choice either; she'd been born that way.
If
Ellone could learn to cope...with so few to guide her...than Rinoa supposed she
could learn to control her powers when she had friends and teachers to support
her.
"No."
Rinoa said firmly. She opened her eyes and smiled at Ellone. "There's no
need for you to do that. I can...I can handle it. It won't be easy...but it's
not all that different from being a rebel in Timber, I guess. The odds are
probably more in my favor of becoming a capable Sorceress than they were of the
Forest Owls ever actually succeeding in kicking Galbadia out of Timber, and we
did that..." she chuckled. "Even if it wasn't quite in the manner
we'd always planned."
Ellone
nodded. "I think you can manage just fine."
"...Thank
you." Rinoa said sincerely.
"You're
welcome." Ellone replied, smiling back. "Would you like me to go get
Squall...?"
"...No.
You two can finish your talk...tell him I'll see him later. Quistis and I have
a training session to finish..." Rinoa explained, a determined look on her
face. "I've got a lot of catching up to do. She'll just have to finish her
report to Cid later." She straightened. "Bye!"
"Bye."
Ellone waved as Rinoa took determindly to the stairs, a spark rekindled in her
eyes that had been missing since the end of the second Sorceress War...
...The glint of
determination...and a glimmer of hope.
--Fin