Sven brought the steak knife down upon Zarkon's head, but the old geezer dodged and the knife
got stuck in the table. He pulled it out just in time for Zarkon to pull out his own two-foot steak
knife.
Now, I COULD tell you that it was a mighty battle betwixt the evil fish king and the nearly rabid
Norseman, but that'd be lying, and lying is uebel!(awful)
Sven klonked Zarkon on the head with the butt of his steak knife and knocked him out, but
before he could plunge the yard of steak knife into the dark periwinkle fishie-person, he was
seized by the forty 'robot' guards that just happened to be so conveniently dining at the same
restaurant as their monarch. Through the bad animation that makes Voltron Voltron, Sven
escaped and flew away in his ship.
When Zarkon came around a little later, he was faced with THE most appetizing scenery
he had seen in his life: Haggar's nose.
"AAAAAh! Get it OFFA me!!" he panicked, throwing the witch into the wall, then he looked up,
"OH! It's you, Haggar!"
"NO!! It's the bloody-lip fairy!!" Haggar grumbled, "You okay, Majesty?"
"I think so...the last thing I remember was the butt of a steak knife hitting my head..."
"Sven got away without a scratch, sire, sorry about that," Haggar apologized.
"Never mind that, you nutty bedlam! The important thing is that I'm alive thanks to you!" Zarkon
praised.
Haggar hesitated, "...Yes, sire! It was ALL me! I bashed him on the head with my stick and he
ran away!"
"I thought you said that he got away without a scratch," Zarkon said skeptically.
"...A lump is an entirely different thing than a scratch!" she covered up, "Are you okay, Your
Excellency?"
"Please," Zarkon said amiably, "Call me Zarkon."
Lotor was half-crazed with starvation. He eventually found a packet of sugar near the slaves'
quarters and slid around Castle Doom in his fuzzy slippers in search of food for awhile. Floor-skating was never really quite heralded as a sport on any planet, but Lotor would see to it
personally to have that changed as soon as possible. In his slidings, he managed to bump smak
dab into a vending machine and he got himself a Dr. Pepper. This new source of caffeine sent
him gliding across the newly waxed floors of Castle Doom until Haggar and Zarkon came home.
Koran had recovered from his seizure and everyone except Lance was in the princess's room
playing charades.
When Lance came back into Allura's room, he had the 'evil' flowers in a Tupperware bowl with
some water, "Soup's on!"
Hunk rushed forward expectantly, nearly drooling at the mention of food, but was disappointed
when the 'soup' turned out to be just the flowers, "That is cruel and unusual punishment!"
Nanny, the most BRILLIANT woman in the world, stood up and snapped her fingers, "I know!
Ve can haff a leetle fun vith zis zituation!"
Everyone in the room turned their head towards Nanny, even Allura.
"I know ze preencess from ze inside out! She'd vant to haff this as much like a fairy tale as
possible! Let's ztick her in ze tallest tower!" Nanny proposed, pointing a finger skyward.
"You mean the attic?" asked Lance.
Nanny gave him the evil eye, "No, hyoo neencompoop! I mean ze highest well-furnished room in
ze castle!"
"Nanny, we can't do that! Remember Hunk tried to lift her off the bed and he couldn't! She's
stuck!" Pidge protested.
~May WE be of assistance again?~ asked the spirits of evil, swirling in from their cloud of
muck.
"Zertanly! You heard vat I said, didn't you?" Nanny asked, putting her hands together.
~Can do,~ replied the spirits and PING they were in the attic.
"Doo! You eembisills! I told you ze attic eez not ze place for ze preencess!! Eet's too musty unt
smelly!" Nanny complained.
PING went the spirits again and the attic was transformed into a smaller version of the
princess's room.
"Zat's better!" Nanny said.
"I bet Lotor's gunna have a helluva time getting up here!" Keith said.
"AAAAw! Keith said a bad woooooord!!" Pidge tattled, pointing.
"I'm going to have to have a WORD with you, young man!" Nanny and Koran threatened in
unison, only the way Nanny said it, it was less comprehensible. Keith was dragged downstairs to
have his mouth washed out by the combined forces of Nanny and Koran, which left Lance, Hunk
and Pidge all alone in the newly pinkified attic.
"What do you think would happen if Lotor got ahold of the princess?" asked Lance after a fifteen
minute silence broken only by the unceasing crying of the space mice and Keith's distant
screams of pain.
"You ever seen 'Return of the Jedi'?" asked Hunk.
"Ugh...I'm just glad Lotor looks nothing like that giant slug!" Pidge said, recoiling and twitching.
"Too bad about Zarkon, tho! Hahaha!" Lance heckled.
All three stooges laughed inanely for a few minutes until Pidge said, "I'm glad Lotor's not ugly.
At least her eyes won't hurt from looking at him."
"I'll say! He's got half the galaxy's population of females all drooling over him! I wish I had that
kind of pull with women!" Lance said, looking up out at the stars.
"I just wish we'd get this thing overwith! The only prince I'd like to see the princess with is...not
Lotor!" Pidge growled.
"Hey, y'know...there's not much difference between Keith and Lotor, come to think of it..." said
Hunk thoughtfully.
"WHAT?!" Pidge barked as much as was Pidgeably possible.
Lance nodded his head and said, "Yeah...but they act just the opposite of each other! They both
have what is considered 70's style long hair, they both wear stupid outfits, and they're both
overtly open for their cause and they both like the princess!"
"Only Lotor's totally the opposite colors Keith is, Lotor has a widow's peak and wears a skirt and
Keith denies everything anybody ever said about him and the princess," Hunk agreed.
Pidge was on the verge of exploding, "YOU FORGOT ONE VERY VERY VERY
IMPORTANT THING!!"
"Oh, yeah. Lotor's an evil prince and Keith's a good hearted doormat," Lance acknowledged.
"I HEARD that!!" bellowed Keith from within the castle.
Haggar and Zarkon came home with 2 doggie bags from the Outback Steakhouse...well, one
wouldn't call Outback Steakhouse doggie bags doggie bags. They're more like very large African
Elephantie bags...ANYway, Mogor got the punishment for barring Lotor from Arus and was sent
to the torture chambers for a couple days. Haggar told Lotor about the big 'Sven of Death'
incident, but the starved young prince wasn't listening to a word she said, which was usual.
Finally, Zarkon pointed his little hand staff at Lotor and said, "Get to bed, you squirrely kid! Rest
up for your first triumph in about a year!"
Lotor smiled and bowed, "Yes, Father! It's going to be a glorious day!"
The next day on planet Doom was simply gorgeous (to the eye of a Doomanite). Every time
lighting struck, it lit up the sky with an unmatched iridescent luster that even brought Zarkon to
his knees. Why he was on his knees, no one could figure out, so Zarkon just slunked back into
his chair, slightly humiliated.
Lotor washed up, took a shower and was about to get dressed when a thought ran rampid through
his mind...
"You should dress like this more often!" Princess Allura had told him...now what was it?...Two
days before.
"Hmmm," the prince thought aloud, "that's actually not such a bad idea if I do say so myself...and
I do say so myself...or was that a reflection? Hmm...don't matter."
Lotor finished mumbling to himself and got dressed...for bed. He donned his fuzzy slippers and
the cool hat with the axe blades on it and strutted out to his command ship.
Mogor was already standing by his chair when he got there and asked, "Ahh...Your
Highness...did you forget to do something today?"
"It's the lady's idea, Mogor," he said, stood up and proclaimed, "Okay, everybody, I'm sorry if I
offend anyone by being dressed like this, but it is out of love, which you wouldn't know what it's
like 'cuz yer kinda all robots...'n stuff," he was getting many quizzical looks so he just sat down
and said sheepishly, "ok...I'm...just...gunna sit down and...be quiet now. You guys can make da
ship go fly in the air now, I'll just sit here and...be the prince."
More quizzical looks.
"BLAST OFF, YOU NINCOMPOOPS!!" he finally shouted.
"I'm vorried! Vaht eef this dohsn't vurk?" Nanny worried.
"Lotor's gunna take her away and marry her, whether she likes it of not!" Pidge wailed.
"Marry her? Oh, Heavens help us! I von't even get to peek out ze color of her dress!" Nanny
sniveled.
"Uh...the traditional wedding dress is white, Nanny...unless...y'know... um...unless Lotor...uh..."
Lance stammered.
"Unless Lotor vaht? Vaht vould he do to her? I don't get eet," Nanny said.
"...Uhhh...unless he...he...he..."
"Come on! By ze time you get eet out of your mouth, Lotor would haff probably done vaht your
tryink to tell me already!" Nanny scolded.
"I'M TRYING TO KEEP THIS AS TV Y7 AS POSSIBLE NANNY!!" Lance exploded.
Nanny recoiled and fainted, but unluckily Koran stopped her from falling and the Russian
annoyance therefore suffered no concussions.
Dernit!! Almost got 'er!! Lance thought.
"How do we know when Lotor's here?" asked Pidge and just as he finished talking, there was the
sound of a Doomanite spacecruiser from above.
"I wonder who that could be?" asked Koran with all sincerity.
"ATTENTION PLANET ARUS!!!!! IT'S ME AGAIN!! I'M BAAAAACK!! YOUR PRINCESS
IS FOREVER ASLEEP UNLESS I WAKE HER UP! VOLTRON IS KAPUTSKI WITHOUT
THE PRINCESS UNLESS SVEN JUMPS OUT OF THE SKY! I WILL AWAKEN HER
UNDER ONE CONDITION!" came the booming voice of the half-dressed Prince Lotor.
A nameless Arusian vassal stood up and shouted, "What condition?!"
Through three feet of solid metal that was the cruiser, Lotor heard this vassal's cry and laughed
his evil laugh, "UNCONDITIONAL SENDER!!"
The people of Arus went, "Huh?"
"OH...SORRY! DAMN TYPE-Os! AHEM...UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER!!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...(hack,
cough)...HAHAHA!!"
Pidge looked blankly out the window and shook his head.
Koran clapped his hands together and announced, "Okay, does everyone know what to do?"
"Yes," said the remainder of the Voltron Force.
"Okey dokey!" he replied.
Nanny spazzed out, "Ohkey Dohkey?! Vaht kind off language eez zat?! You'fe been spendink too
mach time vith ze boys!!"
Koran made the most awkward face as the overweight Ruski housemaid dragged him
downstairs. Lotor was looking at himself in the full length mirror that had just miraculously
materialized on the bridge. He took off his helmet, smoothed his hair, put it back on, stood up,
turned around and said, "Mogor, does my butt stick out?"
Mogor recoiled and remarked, "You're getting into a REAL weird area here, Highness!!"
Zarkon popped up on the screen and screamed, "AAAk!"
Lotor, who was looking in the mirror with his hands on his posterior screamed too, "AAAk!"
"What is the meaning of THIS?!"
"Father! I didn't know you'd...!"
"Of COURSE I'D...!! I thought I TOLD you to get dressed!!!" Zarkon bellowed.
"But...!"
"That's what you've got your hands on! Do you want me to be the laughing stock of the
universe?! And the fuzzy slippers just...grrr!" Zarkon growled, shaking his head and banging it
on the arm of his throne.
Lotor put his hands in front of him and gave his dad the best sad puppy face he could muster,
"I'm sowwy, Daddy...(sniff)"
Zarkon growled incoherently and brought his hand down on his scepter...but his scepter, being
pointy, perforated his hand a little, causing pain, so instead of yelling at Lotor summore, he
yelled until Haggar came.
Lotor took this opportunity to flee the bridge for his personal ship, that stupid bat-looking thing,
and blasted off for the Castle of Lions. "He's on his way!" Keith announced, who had a talent for
stating the obvious.
"I've got butterflies!" Pidge said beneath his(her/its) gas mask as he(she/it) held the lalala
inducing flower.
Nobody could think of anything to say, so they just stayed quiet until Lotor's ship reached the
entrance of the castle...which took a long time since Lotor took the time to throw on a t-shirt and
jeans(forbidden items on Doom). The t-shirt was black with white letters across the chest that
read: "It's good to be the prince." His jeans were just jeans, faded blue and slightly fraying at the
bottom. He ditched his fuzzy slippers for some socks and Doc Martins he just so conveniently
happened to have in the ship.
He leaped princely out of the ugly thing and proceeded into the Castle of Lions, which was
shining in the midday sky.
Lotor was escorted to the attic by Nanny and Koran, who scolded him for being dressed like he
was. Nanny even took out a hairbrush and straightened out his hair in the elevator.
Koran banged his head against the wall of the elevator and growled, "Shut UP, damn you! All of
you shut UP!!"
Halfway there, Lotor put his fingers on Nanny's stupid little nanny hat and rumbled(as much as
Lotorly possible) in a demonic voice, ~I must find a more suitable host body!~
The scene faded and when it came back in, the elevator doors opened and Nanny stepped out,
brushing her hands. Lotor and Koran lay in a tangled mess on the floor.
There were five or six more staircases to climb up when Lotor rushed past Nanny, who had taken
the lead and said, "I think I'll be able to find my own way up from here, thank you very much."
"Oh, noh you dohn't, you leetle yellow-eyed mohnster!" Nanny warned, pulling up the sleeve of
her apron and making a fist.
"Oh, yes I do, I'm afraid!" Lotor smirked, leaning over so his face was even with Nanny's.
"You vant a piece off me?!" Nanny snarled.
"Well, if I felt like getting mauled by the universe's first female sumo wrestler, I would, but it
doesn't feel like a sumo wrestling day for me!" Lotor snickered, "You people seem to forget the
one who is in control here!"
Nanny drew her hand back, "Why off all ze ihnsolent...!"
Lotor grinned and waggled his finger at her, "Ah, ah ah! In case you've forgotten, I am the only
one who can wake up your precious princess!"
Nanny looked blank, but said, "Vaht?"
"Allow me to put it in terms you are able to comprehend..ahem...: You zee, zere vas a spell put
on your preencess zat says zat I am ze only vohn who can vake her ahp...unt vizzout ze
preencess, zere ees no Woltron! Unt vizzout Woltron, Arus ees kaputski!" Lotor said in as best a
Russian accent he could muster.
"Kaputski?" Nanny queried fearfully.
"KAPUTSKI!!" Lotor reiterated, "Unt might I add, my fazzer 'as a vitch. Ze vitch makes shiny
big huge rohbots zat can skvash you like a buhg! Eef I do not get my vay, I vill tell ze vitch to let
ze rohbot out unt skvash everysink! Even fahzzy peenk buhnnies!"
"(gasp) Noh! Noh! You leaf ze buhnnies out off zis!" Nanny protested.
"Zoh, I zee you vahnt to safe your vurld like anybahdy else, so eef you walue your world...vurld,
I sahgest you let me goh on ahead, zank you vellee mahch!" Lotor said.
Nanny bowed her head in defeat and waved her arm, "Goh, zehn, you ahful ahful mahn!"
"Zank you, dahlink!" Lotor couldn't help to add.
"Dohn't poosh eet, preetyboy!" Nanny threatened and Lotor sauntered up the stairs Pidge was
overanxious. He(she/it) clutched the deadly, poisonous pink flower in his(her/its) hand and
waited for hours to come up the stairs...then he(she/it) heard a loud "KAPUTSKI!!" that
obviously belonged to the prince come from a ways downstairs. Pidge barred the door as much
as he(she/it) could with his(her/its) free hand and listened intensely as soft footsteps got louder
and closer.
...tap tap tap tap tap tap tap...flump...bonk...groan...tap tap tap tap tap tap...crack... "OW!!"...TAP
tap TAP tap TAP tap TAP... "What the [kookoo] are all these [boing] stairs for?!" ...labored
breathing...tap tap tap tap tap tap SQUISH! SQUEEK!... "Oops...poor meese...those grow back,
don't they?"...tap tap tap tap tap tAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP...
Pidge saw the axe blades of the famous hat of Prince Lotor emerge from beneath the
staircase...then his head and his shoulders and his chest and his abdomen and his...you get the
picture. Lotor stopped in front of the door and looked in on his sleeping obsession.
He sighed dramatically and nearly sung in a Shakespearian voice, "Ah, Allura, my love! Tonight,
you and I will be together at last! Cast off the shackles of yesterday and bring hither with not the
chains of love that BIND my heart to you, my beloved Allura! Hark, through what light doth
yonder windows break? Ill met by moonlight, a man must fulfill many roles in his life..." Lotor
babbled on, mixing and misquoting and making up various poems and plays for over a half an
hour.
The distinctly male section of the Voltron Force were concealing themselves against the wall
with the door...with the exception of Hunk who could only TRY to conceal himself. During
Lotor's display of how LITTLE he knew about reciting poetry(i.e: 1:getting it all wrong and 2:not
having the intended victim recipient awake for it), they sat down and played every board game
they could find in the attic(sure, it was pinkified, but it was still an attic) until Lotor advanced
through the door, gracefully stepping on Pidge. They scrambled comically back into their
original positions and Hunk helped Pidge reattain his(her/its) proper shape, save for the Doc
Martin logo now imprinted on the kid's head.
Lotor continued, "...for the dark chicken must not sit on the mirror we had and a pox on both our
houses if true apocetharies lips are quick, thus with drugs they die...and lo yonder is the beautiest
whim of fate which hath cast its spell upon my heart, o HAPPY dagger! Quoth the
Raven...beautiful lady, open thine eyes so that Artemis my revel in their glory(cue spotlight) for
it hath better not be the spectre of Death(sink into kneeling position, put hands together) who
would fall on thy knees and hear the angel voice that IS Princess Allura, my love, with liberty
and justice for ALL!!"
