We are in O'Connells Mansion, in the library. In the back of the room under the
enormous slogan "A time of your life!" sits Jonathan, recklessly getting drunken, smoking
large joint and caressing several half-naked girls, perched on his lap.
Closer to us we can see Sally, who's sitting at the table and perusing large black book,
entitled "Handbook on the Mummy's private life and sexual habits". Alex is nervously
strolling around the table, and that's pretty irritating. Big pink note is pinned to the wall,
which reads:
Alex: We unleashed the creature, and now it will never eat, it will never sleep and it
will never stop, and my dear parents are somewhere in Tibet, peacefully snogging and
leaving us to deal with the trouble! And I hate apple pie! Isn't it unfair?
Sally (with weird dreamy smile raises her eyes from the book's pages): What exactly? Poor
creature never eating and drinking? Yeah, it sucks, he loses half of a fun.
Alex: No, I mean apple pie.
Sally: It's the pity you hate it.
Alex: Why?
Sally: Because it's the only meal I know to cook. Our life after marriage gonna to be
disastrous.
She dives back into the book, ignoring furious Alex's glance.
Alex: Could you leave this book for a minute…
Instantly chokes and starts to run around the room like decapitated chicken. Sally stops to
draw little hearts and mummies in the book and stares at him, obviously confused.
Sally: What's it all about, man?
Alex (clucking like the same demented chicken): The Book! The Book!
Sally (with mild curiosity): Are you interested in sexual habits of dead guys?
Alex: The Golden Book of Amon-Ra! Book of the Dead revives the dead, and the Golden Book
of Living kills them…
Sally (with sneer): Are you sure you didn't mix up something?
Alex: Ask Sommers, he knows better.
Sally: So what about Golden Book? Isn't it supposed to be on the bottom of sacred pool
somewhere in Hamunaptra?
Alex: Yeah, but in the second movie Meela managed to pull out entire Imhotep's body, so
book sounds like a job for teenagers.
Sally (wistfully): But we are teenagers.
Alex: Precisely! It's job for us! We'll fetch the book, kill the guy and mum and dad will
never know we've done something fishy again!
Sally: Yeah, like the last time when you've put scarab bug into your auntie Polly's
nightdress…
Alex: It was a plain accident. I just wanted to check whether it'd eat silk…
Sally: Ha-ha, and it ate her! Anyway, what about Imhotep? Are you sure he's going to sit in
peace and wait until we'll come up to kill him?
Alex (confidently): Of course not. He's gonna to resurrect his girlfriend, isn't it clear? He's
pretty consistent in his habbits.
Sally: And?
Alex: And he will have a little trouble, because when the dead mummy warriors chopped
her body into the minute pieces back in Hamunaptra, Dad was smart enough to sell it for
several souvenir's merchants and I reckon it's quite a task to fetch all of them now!
Sally: Oh, well then. Go now.
They are leaving, the library doors shuts after them with great snap. It awakes Jonathan
from his nirvana. He leaps from the chair, sending the girls flying onto the floor, shouts:
"Did I miss something? I never!" and with loud bang disappears behind the doors.
Girls (happily): At least we got rid of him! Now let's have fun! (drinks all Jonathan's whisky,
smokes his joints, weares his closes, uses his toothbrush and have the time of their lives).
***********
Benny, clod in driver's uniform, drives a grand black Limousine which has a label "Home of
Imhotep, Pharaoh's High Priest" instead of its numbers. Imhotep sits on the back seat,
perusing a long list.
Imhotep (mutters to himself): Well, I've got the stomach and left ear, so what's the next? I
think right ankle is the thing.
Instantly the German boundary patrol consisting of two sulky soldiers in SS
uniforms and one utterly bored officer in rank of Shtandartenfurer, comes into sight.
Officer (boringly): Passkontrolle. Ausstellung der Reisepass (German: Passport control.
Show your passports.)
Benny pulls from his pockets something about fifty different passports, ID cards, driver
cards, AM cards and one very shabby set of game cards, too. All the documents (except of
the game cards, of course) are apparently false. Imhotep searches his pockets, too, only to
uncover several dead spiders, one scroll in ancient Egyptian, collarbone of unknown
identity and several pounds of Sahara sand.
Officer looks desperately at dead spiders, one scroll in ancient Egyptian, collarbone of
unknown identity and several pounds of Sahara sand, trying to find out, which of those
things could possibly be a passport.
Officer: What's the purpose of your journey?
Imhotep (to Benny): Tagid lo she ani rak rotze limtzo ahhva sheli (Hebrew: Tell him that I
only want to find my beloved)
Officer (looking suspiciously into Imhotep's eye): Are you Jew?
Imhotep (indignantly): I? Never!
However, officer seems to be not convinced. He waves to soldiers and they tries to capture
Imhotep, only to be ripped into pieces by two dozens of his mummified servants which
were hidden in the car.
Benny (to Imhotep): I'm not trying to be offensive … But it's a tenth patrol already, and they
all are sure you are Jew. May be you just can put this Magen David thing on your neck
inside your robes?
Imhotep (putting the Magen David thing inside his robes): Ok, buddy. You know, they are
partly right, because my Granny was Jew slave.
Benny (hopefully): So you can repatriate in Israel? Right now?
Imhotep: You forgot the year, didn't you, you fool of Gabor?!
Benny: Yes, sorry. You know, guy, my Gran also was Jew.
Imhotep: Really?
Benny: Yeah, she had this long black hair and crumpled leg and the huge birthmark on her
nose…
Imhotep (obviously stunned): And the big ugly scar under her right eye?
Benny (obviously stunned): Yes. How come you know?
Imhotep: Well, it seems we are relatives! Brother, little brother!
Hugs Benny and kisses him on the cheek affectionately.
Benny (half strangled): Let go of my neck, Master!
Imhotep (continues wistfully): From the other side my Gran died about 3000 years
ago. So get off me, you little rat's brat!
Kicks Benny on the ass and goes into the car.
*************
Imhotep, surrounded by his priests, is busy gluing together parts of Anck-Su-Namun body.
He's certainly not a great expert in anatomy, because Anck-Su-Namun's foot is stuck to
her forearm and the head to her left shoulder. Benny is valiantly fighting with the group of
soldiers in black SS uniforms in the corridor.
Benny: Hurry, Master!
Imhotep: Patience is a virtue!
Benny: Not now!
At last the body seems to be more or less whole, so Imhotep takes the huge black book
entitled "Black Book of the Dudes" from the hands of his priest and starts to recite
incantation. At the end he gets stuck.
Imhotep: Amonkary Massaracsh Anck-Su-Namun…and what the Hell is this symbol?
Benny (still valiantly fighting with SS soldiers): What it looks like?
Imhotep (wistfully): Hmm…Well, it looks like fat bird with its legs stuck out…
Benny (helpfully): Christmas Turkey?
Imhotep (continues incantation): Amonkary Massaracsh Anck-Su-Namun Christmas
Turkey…
Anck-Su-Namun body stirs and she tries to cry, but in vain, because her trachea is
somewhere over her left ear. At the same time museum guards overcomes valiantly
fighting Benny and he runs, screaming for mercy. Mummified priests are now preoccupied
with the battle and Imhotep leaves the place, carrying Anck-Su-Namun
in his hands.
Next Chapter: The Maggots' Queen and her apprentices comes up. Sally
and Alex in Cairo-will Jonathan catch up with them or not? And what lies
on the bottom of sacred pool in Hamunaptra? And will Jonathan's girls manage
to ruin O'Connell's Mansion before the family will come back from their
trip? Find the answers in the next chapter, and
