Mum4.html Again, thanks to my priceless readers, Aldrea Übel Serpiente, Elyse Deschamps and Katie for your reviews! And you other guys-don't you remember my words about non-reviewing, hey? Don't be surprised if you find mob of enraged pygmies in your bedroom!

Chapter 4: Maggot Princess or back in Hamunaptra.

German National Museum, Berlin.

Doors swung open, and Benny rushed towards the car, following by Imhotep, who in turn is following by

something like regiment of vicious SS guys.

Imhotep: Run, Benny, run! Get inside!

Benny gets inside the Limousine, shuts the doors and revved the car, apparently ready to fly and leave his

boss to deal with SS guys by himself.

Imhotep: Don't you shut that door, Benny! Don't you shut that door!

Benny (returning and opening car doors): Sorry, Master, just the memories from the past life!

Imhotep gets into the car, shoves Anck-Su-Namun body on the back seat and smiles ominously.

Benny (unnerved by ominous smile): And what we are going to do now?

Imhotep (in a very menacing tone): I need human sacrifice to finish the ritual.

Benny (panicking): Human sacrifice? Well, did I mention, Master, that I am half dwarf and half ogre?

Imhotep (carelessly): Oh, I didn't mean you, you fool of Gabor. I need that girl from British Museum, stupid

chick to whom I owe my revival.

Benny: Are you sure it will be the best reward for her?

Imhotep (with same ominous smile): Absolutely!

***************

London, O'Connell's Mansion.

Imhotep and Benny walks inside the house to find a very jovial party, organized by Jonathan's

girlfriends in the absence of owners. They invited all their friends, relatives and stray guys from the street,

who are now feasting on Jonathan's whisky and Alex's apple pie, singing rude songs, drawing rude

pictures on the walls and wrecking havoc.

Imhotep (kind of confused): Now, whom of these girls I gonna sacrifice?

Girls (chorusing): OOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! Take me! No, me! Take us all! Rip us! Tear us

into pieces, you cool guy!

Imhotep (considering this possibility but rejecting it at last): Later, ladies.

He grabs Benny, who already joined the company and joyfully drunks whisky, by the back of his shirt and

drags him on the upper story into O'Connell's studio.

Here they saw the little note pinned to the wall near calendar:

Mum, Dad, don't worry, I left with Sally for Hamunaptra to kill bad guys and save the world.
Bye
Alex
P.S. Apple pie sucks!

Imhotep (thoughtfully): So, they are in Hamuna…

Instantly chokes and starts to run around the room as decapitated chicken. Benny is obviously surprised

and no less amused.

Benny: What's the matter, man?

Imhotep points at calendar with trembling finger. Benny looks at it blankly.

Imhotep: What is the year, you fool of Gabor?

Benny: The year, the year…

Looks at calendar more attentively and drops his jaw. Calendar indeed is kinda strange. Instead of normal

dates it shows only the years with funny names:

1933-Year of Scorpion

1934-Year of Leech

1935-Year of Louse

1935-Year of Flea

etc up to current year, which reads Year of Maggot (by the way, next is marked as Year of Butterfly, which

makes a nice change).

Benny: Well, I always knew O'Connell's nutts but what it has to do with you, my Prince?

**********

Flashback to the ancient Egypt.

We can see the same cardboard pyramids as in the first two movies, only now they looks absolutely shabby, dingy and decayed, because film-makers ran out of money and bought them second-hand from "Indiana Jones" producers. Ominous pseudo-Egyptian music starts to play, and bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay, speaks:

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay: Hey, guys, why you cannot just pay to

disclaimer, I'm tired of reading your stupid introductions, not mention that they are complete rubbish and

historical nonsense!

Author's voice: Shut up, you dude, I'm the author so just read this balderdash and go away!

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay: One day I'll kill you…Anyway, this is the

Thebes, city of the Living, great surprise!

Author's voice: You nitwit, you read only from the script or I'll fire you!

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay: Ok, blockhead, here you go...

Camera sweeps to the cardboard palace chamber with cardboard gilded statues of lions, falcons, bats,

worms, all that covered with tourists' writings like "Peggy was here" and "Imhotep + Anck-Su-Namun=

Love". Fat ugly woman sits in the center of the room on the pile of cushions, chewing banana and wearing

nothing except of sulky expression on her face and great necklace with fat maggot made of fake gold on

her neck.

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay: Arnethrach, Pharaoh's daughter. No man is

allowed to touch her.

Men, who are not allowed to touch her: Cool! That's the relief!

Arnethrach: Why?! Oh, I'm unhappy girl!

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay: Bored almost to death in her solitude, she

arose the great army which destroyed her father's kingdom…

Arnethrach: And it served him right!

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay: But she was defeated at last because her

army, consisting only of females, all got married except of their leader. So she ran into the desert and lived

there on roots and maggots…

Camera shows Arnethrach on the top of sand hill, mournfully munching dry roots and juicy maggots.

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay: But one day it came to her to make the

bargain with Seth, God of the Darkness…

Camera shows as the giant ugly maggot slithers out of the sand and the Princess picks it up and chews

hungrily.

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay, with obvious sneer: Or may be she just

wanted to have a perfect meal…

Author: AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay: Ok, buddy, I got the point. So the God

gave her toy bucket and toy shovel to make invincible soldiers out of sand…

Camera shows the Princess, merrily fabricating invincible soldiers in form of great maggots from the sand.

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay: And she conquered whole country with her

army…

Camera shows great maggots creeping through the fields and cities and eating all that stays on their way.

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay, with enormous relief: Look, it's the last page

of the script!

Author: OOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOO!

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay: Ok, ok. Then, of course, in the hour of great

triumph when she erupted into her father's palace and was about to cut off his head, this cheat of Seth

snatched her soul from her body…

Camera sweeps to Arnethrach's father palace and shows scared old man, looking with bulging eyes as his

daughter swells to the size of little elephant, turns into maggot and bursts with horrible shriek. Necklace

breaks, falls from her swelled neck and immediately sinks into sand and junk, which janitors forgot to

sweep out of the room.

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay:… and kept her utterly downtrodden in his

dark underworld…

Camera shows dark underworld. In the center of dark underworld stays an enormous mushroom with giant

Arnethrach-faced maggot perched on it, smoking a long pipe and enjoying itself.

Bored voice with strong Arab accent, belonging to Ardeth Bay :…until the hour will come and she will arise

again with the army of Seth to destroy the entire world and humankind, oh, cool, that's it, I finished, I fini…

Author: Cut him off, CUT HIM OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

***********

Cairo, the central market

Alex and Sally stays in the center of large noisy market square, looking bewildered and lost.

Sally: Well, we have to get to Hamunaptra, so aren't we supposed to find some vehicle?

Alex: Yeah. But what?

Sally (tentatively): Camels?

Alex: Not camels, you stupid girl! First, I hate them, those fleabags, they bite, they smell, and they spit.

Second, we need something faster.

Sally: Your suggestions?

Alex: Well, in first movie it was plain airplane, in second crazy balloon with reactive generator, so this time

it logically has to be something like flying carpet with antigravitation elements.

He turns to the nearest shop and looks at the large fluorescent lettering over its entrance, which says:

" Alladin & Co Ltd. World-best flying carpets with antigravitation elements, 3 years guarantee"

Alex: Cool! That's it!

Strolls into the shop, Sally shrugs and follows him.



Next chapter: Whole party comes back to Hamunaptra. Jonathan acts heroically. And somebody gets eaten by somebody, but it's not what you suspect! Please read and review, REVIEW!!!!!!!!!

SETI THE LAST