Other readers (if you exists)-please review! You can ask me why. Well, the answer is that, being an ancient Egyptian guy (yeah, and the High Priest of Seth, too) I have kind of hard time writing it in English. And, because the "hits counter" option is now closed, without your reviews I don't know if anybody reads it or I'm just amusing myself in this crazy way. So be a good boys and girls and let me know whether it's worth to continue or not.
Sincerely
Seti the Last, High Priest of Seth.
Chapter 5: Back to Hamunaptra.
Cairo, the central marketplace
Alex and Sally exits from the shop, carrying moth-eaten shabby carpet. The owner of shop bows them out,
shouting: "The simplest and most reliable model. Just sit on it and cry :"Fly, my carpet!" and it'll take you
wherever you want!"
Our heroes cross the square to the relatively quiet side lane, where Alex proudly perches onto their
purchase and cries:"Fly, my carpet". Nothing happens.
Sally: Oh, I knew it.
Alex (with irritation): May be, it's just something wrong with my accent.
Tries several accents, but nothing happens again.
Alex: Well, we can just go and ask the dealer.
They turns back to the shop, only to see that the group of workers is busy changing the emblem above the
entrance to the other one, which says:" Best-quality magical beans. Have a problem with your IQ? Eat one
of our beans and all your problems will be resolved!"
Sally (with sneer): I feel you need one of those beans.
Alex: Oh, shut up. I'll try to find the switch on it.
Tries to find switch on the carpet, crawling under it in the dirt.
Sally: Ok, I'll try to find something more reliable, and you just stay here.
Smirks and disappears in the crowd, leaving Alex to fumble with the
carpet.
Same marketplace, several hours later
Sally walks into the alley where she had left her boyfriend, but there is no sign of Alex there, as well as the
carpet. However, some signs of their presence could be noticed-for example, the shop where they've
bought the carpet is completely destroyed and half of the street is ruined as well.
Sally: Oh, no. Didn't I just say him "Stay here"?
Being a smart girl, she runs to the nearest prison.
**************
Cairo Prison
Camera shows a big clumsy lop-sided building, with huge cage dangling from the gallows in front of it.
In the cage sits half-eaten human corpse with several grim and bald eagles still feasting on it. Table above
the entrance says: "Welcome to the 1st state Cairo prison named after Snow-White".
Fat filthy oily-eyed and smelly man, apparently warden, greets Sally at the doors:
Warden: Step over the threshold of Cairo prison, my humble home.
Sally: Don't be too happy, buddy. I'm looking for blond, tall, dashing guy with stupid physiognomy and smug
airs around him.
Warden (with disgust): Oh, this scum. Well, he's here.
Sally: And what is this man in for?
Warden: This crazy bastard wrecked the shop of meritorious Abdullah Ibn Acbar, maimed several citizens
and policemen and spitted into judge's face. And when he was asked what he did it all for, he said he was
just looking for a good time!
Sally: Well, it looks like my dear buddy Alex.
Warden (continues): Naturally, we've sent him for psychiatry expertise, but as he appears to be sane, we
are going to hang him right now.
The noise of assembling crowd can be heard. People make bets on the Alex's hanging.
Guy N1: I bet his neck will break! 10 $.
Guy N2: I bet he will be strangled to death, 20 $.
Guy N3: Dudes, he's young O'Connell. I bet some crazy bitch will come and save his neck, 1000 $.
Guys N2 and N1 (mournfully): Damn, is he really? Well then we lost our bets.
Warden and Sally pushed their way through the crowd to the first row.
Warden: Hey, girlie, I can bet you came to save his life!
Sally (indignantly): No, actually I came to enjoy his hanging.
Alex is dragged to the gallows by two sulky guards, who already fastened the rope on his neck.
Sally (cheerfully, with applause): Go on, hang him!
Warden (apparently confused): And if I give you 100 pounds?
Sally: Are you kidding? I'd pay 100 pounds myself to see him hanged!
Warden: 200 pounds.
Sally: No!
Warden: 300 pounds.
Sally: No!
Warden: 500 pounds!!!
Sally (looking at him lustfully and putting her arm on his knee): And what else? I'm very lonely girl!
Warden flinches in disgust and slaps her arm with the heavy book, entitled "1001 way of hanging".
Sally: Ouch! Hang him, you bastards!
Alex falls through the trap door, but his neck didn't break. He's now dangling on the rope, desperately
struggling for air.
Sally (joyfully): Cool! His neck did not break! Now we'll watch him strangled to death!
Warden (with tears on his little piggy eyes): Oh, I cannot see it! Poor young man! I know the location of
Hamunaptra!
Sally: You lie!
Warden (indignantly): I would never! I give you 10 %.
Sally: 100%.
Warden: 30%
Sally: 100%
Warden: 99.999%
Sally: And 500 pounds in cash right now?
Warden: All right.
Sally: DONE!
Warden (blissfully): Cut him down!
Sally descends the stairs to pick up her rather turquoise-colored boyfriend, stuffing 500 banknotes in her
jeans pocket.
Guy N3: I won, i won!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then Sally, Warden and Alex, who is still desperately gulping for air, runs out of the prison, Sally in lead.
Alex: Where are we going?
Sally: You'll see.
They cross the city and are now in the desert near small airfield. Sally leads them to military helicopter
perched in the center of it.
Warden: What the Hell is this?
Sally: "Black hawk", last model. I borrowed it from "Peacemaker" crew. Now get in, you dullards!
They all gets in, Sally on pilot's seat, and the helicopter takes off towards Hamunaptra.
**************
At the same time in the another quarter of Cairo
Jonathan stays on the road to Hamunaptura, glumly hiking during 3 hours already without any visible
effect. Loads of tourist cars and buses with mark "Cairo-Hamunaptra" on their windscreen races down the
road but no one would stop to pick him.
Jonathan: It seems to be pointless.
Pulls the bottle of whisky out of his pocket and is ready to take a break.
At this moment giant sand whirlwind appears on the road.
Part of the sand gathers into enormous slogan "Cairo-Hamunaptra Imhotep's transportation -the fastest
and the most reliable way to get to Hamunaptra. Tickets in economical class 100 $, in business class 300 $,
free cold drinks. Let us to take care about your safety!"
Jonathan: Sounds cool.
Searches in his pockets and ends up with 100 S banknote.
Jonathan (to whirlwind, handing him a banknote): Here you go!
Hand emerges from whirlwind, snatches the money and ladder rolls out of the sand. Jonathan ascends into
the whirlwind and it takes off towards Hamunaptra.
**************
Not far from Hamunaptra
Giant whirlwind comes into view. It disintegrated, and when the air cleaned up we can see Jonathan, lying
in the sand, Anck-Su-Namun, lying on the top of Jonathan and Benny, lying on the top of Anck-Su-Namun.
Anck-Su-Namun (to Jonathan and Benny): Gerroffme!!!!!! Gerroffme!!!!!
Benny: I need a new job.
Jonathan: I too.
On the top of the high sand mound appears Imhotep in the black robe and Polaroid sunglasses.
Imhotep: It's stiffing here!
He counts the day income and hisses: Benny, where is the rest?
Benny reluctantly hands him the rest of money.
Imhotep: Anyway, it's a lousy business, the profits are minute and expense vast. I think about closing it.
Anck-Su-Namun (in squeaking voice, to Imhotep): You scrooge, I ordered the seat in business class! Why
should I share my seat with those scoundrels?!
Imhotep: Shut up!
Instantly the noise of propellers from above attracts everybody's attention. It's helicopter with Sally, Alex
and Warden.
Jonathan (jumps up and down, waves at helicopter and shouts on the top of his lungs): Look at this! It's
Alex! It's my nephew! Can you see him? All you guys look at him!
Imhotep: Are you sure it's him?
Jonathan: Of course I am sure!
Imhotep: Thank you very much for information!
Climbs on the top of the hill, opens his mouth wide…and a world-biggest wasp flies into it, buzzing angrily.
Imhotep chokes, spits out the wasp and shouts at the Universal Studios workers, lurking around: You
idiots, cannot you just repel all the insects?
Universal Studios workers scuttle around a little, then the cloud of poisonous repellent rises into the air.
When the cloud dissipates we can see that all people, except of Imhotep, lies on their backs half throttled.
Imhotep (taking off respirator): You idiots, couldn't you do better than DTT?
He climbs back on the top of hill, open his mouth wide and…the world-biggest raven with wriggling
worm in his beak stuffs the worm down Imhotep's throat, crying: "Eat it, my son!"
Imhotep swallows the worm, because it's too deep in his throat to be spitted off, and as the result gets
really angry. He cast the spell that kills all the living beings in vicinity, except of Anck-Su-Namun (who is
still not exactly living being), Benny and Jonathan (because author need them to continue this sequel).
At the third time Imhotep open his mouth, and nothing flies in, but also no sand wall appears.
Benny (tentatively): Look, Master, your curse killed the fan crew, so the fan is switched off.
Imhotep (with irritation): Then switch it on, you fool of Gabor!
Benny switches the fan on and giant sand wall appears. It forms into something like huge shark and chases
the helicopter through the screen, snapping with its jaws aggressively.
Imhotep (mildly confused): Isn't it supposed to be my face?
Benny: Oh those blockheads mixed it up with scene from "Jaws-3".
Jonathan (looking horrified, to Imhotep): Stop it, it will kill them!
Benny (coolly) : That's the idea.
Jonathan: Then it leaves me no another possibility…
Runs to Imhotep and kisses him passionately on the mouth. Imhotep chokes and gets sick, so the sand wall
disappears.
Imhotep (with his eyes bulging): BLEARGH!
Jonathan (with triumph in his voice): Always dreamed about this minute! But sorry, got to run…
Runs towards Hamunaptra, crying "Wait for me, Alex, wait for me!"
Anck-Su-Namun (jealously, to Imhotep): You kissed him, I saw it!
Benny: Well, I love all this sand wall, it was beautiful, bastard…Now where are we going, boss?
Imhotep (viciously): To wash my teeth, you idiot!
Next chapter: Apple pies…And Jonathan gets a lot of whisky. And apple pies all around the place, COZZ I'M STARVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND DON'T FORGET ABT REVIEWS!
Seti the Last
