Best I ever had - Part 4
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfic
by Iris C - silver_dreams10@yahoo.com
Completed : May 29th 2001
Copyrights apply.

Notes : this is after the hiking trip. *.*

More notes: I think I hurried through this chapter a little. I'm on a crusade to experiment
with other writing styles, so this chap has kind of an expatiated thing goin' on as I'm
thinking of a new project. ^.^ Such a fickle person. Oh, the drama in this one is also kind
of...classic. ~.~ I think it's too many TVBs.

***

Syaoran sprawled on the couch, but his body was tense, his eyes were perplexed,
and his mind... oh his mind was an utter and complete mess.

What was he thinking? What was he thinking? How could he have done that?
How could he have kissed her? Oh lord. Syaoran slammed his head against the cushion.
He was losing it. How could he have done that?!?!? On top of everything he had done
already! Was he destined to fail in human relations?

Switching his gaze to the porch, Syaoran saw Meiling sitting on a chair, staring at
the sky silently. She had been there for the past hours, just there, not crying, not laughing.
Ever since the trip they hadn't spoke except answering a few of Sakura's ice breakers.

Sakura. Syaoran wanted to bonk his head again. Oh what was he going to do
about Sakura? Should he tell her? Tell her and explain? Explain what you jerk! He yelled
at himself. He doesn't even know where to begin. One minute he was chatting with
Meiling, next he felt guilty, and then he just spontaneously KISSED her??!?! Ha! That'll
do good.

Guilt? He kissed her because he was guilty because he was in love with Sakura
and not her?? Syaoran turned again, staring at the back of Meiling's head. Guilt...was it
guilt? Was it? He reflected on Meiling's expression after the kiss. She was stunned of
course. Yet she looked lovely, overcame by both agony and passion, glowing with a
burning aura so strong he could have melted if he had stayed a second longer. That's it. It
wasn't guilt. He kissed her. He needed her. He wanted her. Whether in a sexual way or
mentally, he doesn't know. He just knows he cannot get the image of her broken face as
he staggered away. What a jerk he was.

Oh no, wait. What was wrong with him?

You love Sakura.

You love Sakura.

Syaoran inculcated. You do! Don't you remember?!? The airport, the teddy bear?
The first time you told her you loved her? The promises you made? How happy she had
made you for the past five years? How no matter what shape you are in, she's always
willing to cheer you up? Is this how you repay her? By kissing another girl?

He had to tell her. Tell her and hope she would understand. Sakura would. If
anyone in the world would. It would be Sakura...yes Sakura. Syaoran reached for the
phone and nearly jumped when it rang before he could reach it.

"Hello?" Syaoran picked up the phone.

"Sy...Syaoran?"

"Sakura?"

"Meet me outside, at that little park by your apartment."

He was about to ask why but then decide against it. "Okay, I'll be there," he
gently put the phone down and started a run toward the park. He had to tell her now.
He'll tell her everything.

Much to his surprise, she was there already, standing by the water fountain while
shifting her feet uncomfortably.

"Sakura," he called out her name.

She looked up, but didn't smile like she would usually.

"Syaoran."

He went to give her a kiss on the cheek, but Sakura stopped him by turning away.

"We need to talk, Syaoran," she made out.

Syaoran blinked, "hai... you're right."

He took a deep breath, here it goes...

"SYAORAN, I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD BE TOGETHER ANYMORE,"
Sakura blurted before Syaoran could speak.

Syaoran exhaled, his mouth opened in shock, "Wha...what?" he questioned out of
incredulity.

Sakura stared down, her eyes blurring as she whispered. "I don't think we should
be together anymore," every word was piercing through her heart. "I thought about it for
a long time Syaoran, but I think I'm doing the right thing. You...ever since you returned
from Hong Kong, I feel like you are a different person. I neglected at first, but I can't
anymore, Syaoran. I can't see you anymore. I use to be able to help you. But I can't even
tell what you're thinking." She looked up, on the verge of tears.

A moment of silence before Syaoran shook his head repetitively, taking Sakura's
hands. "No, Sakura, I love you, don't do this to me, don't do this to us..."

She backed away. "Syaoran, don't blind yourself anymore," she sobbed, "I love
you Syaoran, but I can't when you love someone else."

Someone else?

"What?" he backed away.

"Don't lie anymore. I can see it in your eyes," she cried. "You love someone
else."

Syaoran clutched onto his chest, using the motion to abate the thumping of his
heart, which was beating in such intense degree he felt paralyzed.

"You do love her don't you?" Sakura softened her voice, "you can deny it, but I
can tell." Sakura reached for him, "you are different around her, Syaoran, calmer,
happier. Like...with me a while ago," she held a sad smile.

"Sakura..."

"I know if you think about it, you would see that I'm right."

***

11 o'clock.

It was 11 o'clock at night.

Meiling glanced at the clock nervously. Where on earth is he? She scanned the
desolate streets of their neighborhood through the window, tapping her fingers against the
windowsill. She knew that she shouldn't be worried about Syaoran, as Syaoran was self
sufficient the day he could walk. Still, at this hour, oh where oh where...

The door to the apartment creaked. The low and hideous creak sent shivers down
Meiling's body, but the figure behind the door frightened her more.

Syaoran.

With his sagged shoulders, tired eyes and masking hair, he resembled nothing of
the Syaoran she knew.

"Syaoran?" she whispered softly as he fell onto the couch.

He made no response except cupping his hands over his face.

"Syaoran, are you okay?" Meiling tried again.

And once again, silence was her response.

"Tell me what's wrong Syaoran...what's..."

"You want to know what's wrong?" he finally looked up, with bloodshot eyes,
"you want to know what's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong! Sakura just dumped me!!"

Meiling's eyes grew big out of both surprise and alarm. Surprised as she thought
Syoaran and Sakura would last longer than super glue. Alarmed as she had never seen
Syaoran this...untamed before. "I'm...I'm sorry," she managed.

Syaoran stared at her, amber eyes gleaming with disgust. "Don't play dumb now,
Meiling. Don't act as if you're really sorry about it. You are the one made this happen.
Well, are you happy now? She broke up with me! Are you happy now?!" he chewed and
spit each word carefully, coating each syllable with contempt.

Pure contempt.

Meiling felt dizzy all of a sudden. "I...? Made this happen?"

Syaoran moaned. "Don't act surprised. Don't be a liar. You told her didn't you?
You told her that I kissed you didn't you? What else did you tell her? What other lies did
you tell her to make her break up with me?!?!"

She clung to the wall for support.

"Well, I hope you are happy now! Just lock me up and make me your little
mannequin why don't you? You've succeeded! You won!" he cried.

Meiling felt her whole body crumble. "You...you think I...told her...?" her heart
blurred by tears and hurt she could no longer talk. "You...think that I, ...I would.. I would
do...? ...purposely...?"

She left with one last look of a shocked Syaoran.

***

I know now that shadows can see
There's no point in running 'less you run with me
It's half the distance through the open door
Before you cut me down
Again
Let me introduce you to the end

***

***
Darkness.

How far does the darkness go? Is there a pitch-black wall at the far end? Or is it
dark like this for infinity?

Pain.

When does the pain end? Is there an ointment that will heal all? Or does the sore
fester till it'll become a bruise, then a forever wound?

What if you were a bird? And you die without soaring a sky?

...

She found herself somewhere. Unknown street. Unknown neighborhood.
Unknown area. Did it matter though? Broken. She was broken. She stared at her feet,
walking down the gray cement. Will there ever be an end to all this...pain? Bitter bitter
pain?

And there, she heard a horn. It drowned the songs of grasshoppers. It buried her
thoughts into deep sleep. She looked up and saw white head lights heading toward her.

So she smiled.

***

Syaoran didn't know why he had just stood there, frozen as Meiling vanished
from his eye sight. No matter what the reason, he was feeling beyond lousy now. He was
feeling like he needed to bang his head against the wall.

He couldn't handle it anymore, couldn't handle all these ravening emotions,
mocking at him, pecking at him. He moaned and saw her face. She looked so sad when
he accused her... Oh no. So Meiling didn't have anything to do with Sakura breaking up
with him? So he yelled at her for nothing?

Idiot. Asshole. Bastard.
He banged his head against the wall.

Oh wait. If Meiling had nothing to do with this... Sakura really...

"I know if you think about it, you would see that I'm right."

Oh no.

Before Syaoran could go into 'confessions' with himself however, the phone
rang, piercing through his thoughts.

"Hello?" his voice sounded strained to his ears.

"Mr.Li?" an unfamiliar voice asked.

"Yes? This is he."

"There's been an accident."
***

For a long while Syaoran simply stood there and felt every cell in his body desert
him.

It wasn't so...

Motley words and pictures passed through his head inanely.

It simply couldn't be...

Couldn't be, couldn't be, not her...not her....!!!

Syaoran found his body jerking as he pushed out the door, running blindly
through the streets, running like a madman. All the stars and the moons seem to have
crashed on him, so sudden he couldn't even breath, let alone think.

It couldn't be! It couldn't be!

He swerved briskly through the corners of the streets, no sound except soft
pounding from the heart, and those pounds weren't caused by physically exertion, but
mental infirmity. Consequently, when your not thinking, bad things tend to happen.

'Bam!'

"Oh my gosh!" squealed a voice, a very familiar voice.

"Sa..."

"Syaoran," Sakura rubbed her shoulder where they had contacted in. That was
when she noticed his eyes, they were so...sad. It almost looked like he was about to cry.
"Syaoran what's the matter?"

"It's all my fault Sakura, it's all my fault!" he cried, crushing his fist against the
wall repetitively.

"What is it Syaoran? Don't scare me please!" Sakura replied nervously, she had
never seen Syaoran like this. She had never seen Syaoran...in a breakdown.

"It's Meiling," without warning, tears rushed out of his eyes, "it's all my fault!!"

"Meiling? What's wrong with Meiling!?"

"She's in a car accident. They called. Hospital people. Said they don't know if
she's going to make it..." with his eyes wild, voice shaking and body trembling, Syaoran
had lost everything he had grasped from the day in and day out training.

Although she wasn't prepared for such a sadistic hit either, it took Sakura two
blinks and two swallows of tears before she brought a hand around Syaoran's wrist and
dragged him into dark asininity.

He was a child after all. Behind the iron and the steel, even he was no exception.

The two burst into the hospital, the sudden silence of the building was but another
slap from reality.

"Li Meiling," Syaoran called to the nearest nurse.

She gave him a confused look. "I'm sorry I have no..."

"She was just in a car accident," added Sakura.

"Oh," the nurse, whether intentionally or not, whether insinuating anything or not,
clasped her clipboard tighter around her fingers. "Are you relatives?"

"I am," said Syaoran.

"Please, come with me, the doctor is still with her so it might be a while till you
hear anything. Try to remain calm as of now," she led them into a secluded area with a
row of seats.

Calm? Sure. Calm...

Sakura stared as Syaoran held his fist in a clutch, his veins bulging as they pressed
against his temples. She felt her own temples groaning. So many things had happened
today, and they build up like a stack of bricks, until the last piece had crumbled
everything.

This simply wasn't happening...

What was supposed to happen?

Syaoran's supposed to go home and have a talk with Meiling-chan. Then they
would discover something about each other before they quail before each other. Then
Syaoran would see she was right, that he did have feelings for the girl. Then she could
finally know the truth and cry her heart out... Sakura felt a tear from her eye. It's not
right! I'm giving Syaoran to Meiling and she backs away at the last minute! Why?!? Why
is everything so complicated? Why won't Syaoran look at me *that* way anymore? Why
did everything change?!? And why can't it end with a happier ending? Why why why??!

Sakura sighed as she turned to Syaoran; so sad he looked, so sad. "Syaoran..." she
planted a hand on his shoulder, hoping the notion would assuage the obviously tormented
boy. "She's going to be okay, you'll see, she's going to be..."

"None of this would have happened if it wasn't for me. None. It's all my fault."

Sakura frowned. "It's not your fault..."

"BUT IT IS!!!" Syaoran turned to look at her with a pair of strained eyes. "I
called her a liar Sakura! I accused her of doing something she never did! I didn't chase
her after she left! I called her selfish, and I'm always so mean to her and I don't ever
consider her feelings and I'm just a useless coward who will...I..." he was breaking,
crumbling, losing.

"Syaoran. Shhh....it's going to be okay...shhhh..." Sakura collected the boy in her
arms like she had so many times. "Whatever you did, you didn't mean to, you didn't
mean to."

"But she's still in there, and she might die, and if she dies, I'll die, Sakura. I'll
die..."

She continued to stroke him, without a word, but feeling his pain through her own
pain..

***

A night later, a moon later, a doctor later, Syaoran found himself numb from all
that has happened. The hospital was a lot busier now, anyone that ever knew Meiling
seemed to have arrived and roamed nervously among the sepulchral atmosphere. He felt
very alone though. Even with Sakura holding his hand (and been holding it through the
night); even with Yukito mitigating; even with Touya shooting him sympathetic looks
instead of admonitions, Syaoran still felt so very alone.

So he got up, with all his muscles groaning and his mind scrambling and he
headed toward the door.

"HEY! Where you..." Touya started but was stopped by Sakura.

"Let him go," she said simply.

Syaoran stepped into a misty morning, matching his mood.

"Her conditions are stable as of now, but we are not sure of her brain damage."

"Is she going to be okay?"

"Her life is stable, yes, but frankly, she will not come out of this unscathed. Even
the best recovery will include permanent damages."

"Like what?"

"Like the extremes, which varies from a vegetable to paralyzation."

He had listened to the doctor attentively, trying to create a situation with his each
word. After much contemplating however, Syaoran found himself locked into her eyes.

That night...

Her eyes were bloody red, her cheeks color of rose, and her lips, scarlet.
Everything about her was so...full of life. Her laugh. Her whines. Her cries. Her cheers.
Every single thing. Everything about her was different from him. She was day and he was
night. Yet she was a mirror image of him, with ambition and determination knitted in her
blood. Perhaps that was why she annoyed him so, her inability to realize when to stop.
Perhaps that was why she amazes him so, her ability to realize she should never stop.

Syaoran sighed and sank to the ground. Please, Meiling, be all right.

"Syaoran," called a voice. "They said you could see her...now, and your aunt and
uncle's here..." it was Sakura.

Syaoran felt a harsh sting reverberate throughout his body. Her parents are here
already. How on earth is he going to explain this one??

"Syaoran."

"I'll be there."

"Don't torture your self anymore, Meiling-chan wouldn't have wanted that," she
turned and walked away.

Meiling wouldn't have wanted that? Then what exactly does Meiling want?
Him?

Why would anyone in their right mind want him? He was a coward, a jerk, not to
mention a failure. A frustrated hand combed through messy brown hair.

"Syaoran..." Sakura called again, looking worn out.

"I got it, Sakura."

"The doctor said she's stable now. No brain damage. She's going to be okay,
Syoaran. She's a fighter."

"How do you know?" Syaoran looked up.

Sakura blinked, surprised at his question. "I..."

"She won't be okay, and it's all my fault," Syaoran left without another word.

***

Meiling opened her eyes, the mere motion triggered a sudden pain in her body.
Was it the sun? She thought for a second. Sun... Meiling blinked and allowed her brain to
connect with the world. Numb. Everything felt distorted. She blinked again. Where was
she?

IV tubes in her arm and respirator hissing.

Hospital?

Oh God...pieces of images strung together and painted pictures in her mind. Oh God...

She pushed herself up.

She couldn't feel anything.

***

"The good news is there's no brain damage. The bad news is she's paralyzed from
the waist down," the Doctor said.

"Oh God," Mrs.Li clung to her husband.

"There's a possibility of recovery though. Perhaps not 100%, but if she's willing,
Meiling can definitely walk again. Please do not lose all hope. She is quite a fighter to
have survived such an accident."

A thud was heard next, and Syaoran was on his knees. "I'm sorry Uncle Li and
Aunt Li. I failed to protect her. It's my fault. I don't know how I can..."

"Get up, Syaoran!" ordered a stringent voice from Mrs.Li, whose voice was
usually mellow. "My daughter is charge of her own decisions. It was an accident and you
had nothing to do with it."

"But I did. I yelled at her and that's why she left the apartment at midnight into
the middle of nowhere, and that's why she got hurt."

"Don't be foolish. I will not hear of this. Get up."

"I don't know how I can make it up to you."

"Li Syaoran, you have nothing to do with Meiling's conditions. But if you really
do feel you need to make something up, don't talk to me, talk to Meiling, Syaoran. Now
get up, get up," Mrs.Li held Syaoran by the arms.

Syaoran felt tears rushing to his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Aunt...I didn't mean to...I
didn't..."

"Syaoran," whispered Mrs.Li, "I've watched you two grow up together, and
frankly, I don't think I trust anyone more than you with my daughter's life. You have
done enough. You probably have done more that I have ever tried. However, it's time for
Meiling to fight her own fight. Don't you give up on her, all right?"

"I..."

"Go see her, Syaoran. Go see her."

***
To Meiling haters: nope, didn't kill her, sorry.
To this weird cousin/cousin situation: I have a problem with this too, but since the Li clan
have no problem with it and they are all magical and aren't like the rest of the world, why
operate like the rest of the world? Lol. And did you know Syaoran and Sakura are
technically cousins too if you get it to this Clow Reed thing? ^-^ :)~