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Monday, July 16th, 2001
John Carter's Apartment
North of County General Hospital

He had sat by and watched Kerry disappear from the lives of those around her for a month now. He knew that she believed that no one saw how upset she was, but he saw it. Although they had not been as close in the last year or so as they had been previously he still paid careful attention.

He watched her when she and others didn't realize what he was doing. It was something that had developed out of many months of sharing living space. He knew immediately when she walked into a room. Even though people like Dr. Ross would laugh at this, to Carter having Kerry Weaver walk into a room made the space a little…brighter, but lately it was as though the brightness was gone and now he could barely detect the presence of Dr. Weaver despite her physical proximity.

He had noticed that day in late June when she had come into work with eyes that were not only puffy but had dark circles under them and with not a word to Kim who was trying to engage in a conversation with Kerry.

His immediate reaction was to go and talk to her, but that was before he realized that they no longer had that type of relationship. He would see glimmers of their former friendship every once in a while when they would do rounds together or eating dinner together, but Carter knew she would only order him to mind his own business whenever he would push a bit to hard for her liking, and be on her way.

This time, Carter figured that it would be best to not press her; he knew that if she needed and wanted to talk she would eventually make her way to him. At least he hoped she would. So he had stood silently by and watched one of the people he cared about most in the world suffer knowing there was nothing he could do about it.

He was still dealing with the deep feelings of guilt that he had caused more than a year before. She had found him and Lucy after that psychotic bastard Paul stabbed them. Traveling deep into the recesses of his memory, Carter also remembered his want for something to happen between them while they lived together. He would have loved to get Kerry in that respect, but he was afraid to open up his heart for her to see.

Resigning to the fact that he didn't have her in his arms, Carter was actually considering himself lucky. There was no man in Kerry's life that he would have to see and perhaps compete with. Even as the rumors of a Kerry Weaver relationship with a woman started to fly, Carter actually believed that he was in no danger of losing her. But then came the day that he had heard that Kerry had announced to the hospital that she was a lesbian and in love with Dr. Kim Legaspi.

Carter sighed inwardly. He was happy for her; Kerry had finally found someone whom she was willing to damage her career for, someone who she was willing to sacrifice for and someone who would do likewise. As much as it pained him, Carter knew that he was out in the cold as far as Dr. Weaver and romance was concerned.

His reprieve from fate had come in late June, when news hit the ER that Kerry was suddenly single again due to, what was that again, 'irreconcilable differences' with Kim. Carter was as sad for Kerry as he was happy for himself, but since then he had been confused as well. How to handle the situation? Outwardly, Kerry acted as though nothing was wrong, and in fact to everyone but him she appeared to be normal, as normal as one can be when such an important relationship is suddenly broken.

He had seen her more than once staring out of the window of her office into the beautiful summer days with an expression of profound sadness etched deep in her face. For the first time since he had known her, Kerry looked her age. She looked better than this after that chemical spill had her down and out. Gone was the sparkle and hint of mischief in her eyes before making a comment that would send resident and attending alike scurrying for their lives and jobs. It was replaced with a look of dull acceptance.

But it was not only her eyes that worried him. She had lost weight, if that was possible. Her hair was dull and sometimes appeared unwashed instead of the sleek way she normally styled it. Her clothes had appeared winkled more often than not now. He knew he was losing her but he didn't know what to do. All Carter knew was that he was going to have to act fast.

How was he going to manage to reconnect to Kerry now that she had slipped so far away from him? He had tried before and failed miserably.

John still didn't know why this was such a problem. He himself had many romantic problems. Abby Lockhart seemed a nice candidate, but Luka would have his head on a silver platter for that.

The more that he thought about it the more he realized that it was time to let go and bare his feelings, neither of them were getting any younger and now that he had the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with he had to muster the courage to go and talk to her. What if she didn't want him? But the loudest objection was is this the right time. Her breakup with Kim was a fresh wound and going to her right now could damage their relationship even further than it was now.

He berated himself for his cowardice in the face of this challenge. How in the world could telling Kerry Weaver he loved her possibly push her further away? But he knew why. Kerry had the same look on her face that she had when she had come to County. Haunted by her past, and plagued by the inner demons that told her she wasn't worth anything with her age and crutch.

That same look was in her eyes again. She looked so lost and dejected and like she doesn't have a friend in the world. He also knew why she hadn't been reaching out to anybody. Part of it was her pride; she had too much pride and dignity to ask anyone for help. Another part was that she didn't feel she was worth of any help.

It was time for him to take action. He couldn't let her slip any further into the darkness than she already was. He had to make Kerry trust him again. Make her see that others cared for her and wanted to help her.

Carter sat down and started to formulate a plan for telling her how he felt. A plan that would end with both of their lives being better.