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Saturday, August 4th, 2001
Kerry Weaver's Apartment

Kerry sat staring out into the darkness of the hot Chicago summer night not knowing that John Carter was standing on the other side of her door unsure of how to go about this. Did he simply talk to her straight and ask her what the hell was going on? Or did he dance around the issue until she was ready to open up? He had a plan, but right now that plan seemed to have the structural integrity of a sand castle with waves hitting it.

Kerry was startled out of her whiskey glass by a knock at the door. There was only one person who would show up at her door at this time of night because there was only a hand full of people who knew where she lived and only one had stopped by without calling first. Her armor had major chinks in it and she knew that he would try to worm his way under it and into her mind.

"Go away Carter, I don't want to see you right now." Kerry snapped with a very slurred voice.

"Sorry Dr. Weaver, but I'm not leaving." Carter countered knowing that she must be very tipsy by now.

Kerry considered her options. She knew that Carter could be very stubborn when he wanted to be. In all likelihood, she would probably find him out there still waiting for her when she has her next shift. Finally, Kerry relented. "Fine, whatever come in, I'm going to bed."

The door opened and before he closed it he heard the slam of her bedroom door and the click of the lock. She knew what he had come over for and she had no intention of hearing it. She wasn't yet ready to accept the pity love that Carter was intending to give.

"John, I'm tired. Why don't you go home and we'll talk later?" Kerry almost pleaded. "I have a bad headache right now and… we'll talk later."

"You know, it's always later with us and I'm getting tired of it." John snapped back at her, knowing that she was going to be a very tough wall to break down.

"Your tired of it? You wanted this conversation when I evicted you, or don't you remember that? Or do my words and my heart mean so little that you've already forgotten?" Kerry yelled, despite her head's pounding request for her not too.

"Kerry, how could I forget the single biggest mistake we've ever made? I now realize that I have always wanted something…else… with you." Carter asked, the end part being a mere whisper.

"Well I'm happy for you. But, I don't care about any revelations that you have been having about us. I have a life and you, John Carter have no stake in it."

With the words ringing in his ears he heard her slump against the door and start to cry. John Carter had felt guilt before, when Lucy died, when Dennis had committed suicide, and when he would lose a child for apparently no reason, but all the guilt he had ever felt in his life paled in comparison to how he felt at this moment. He knew that this was going to be hard, but he had never imagined that she would reject him like this. He knew she was feeling bad but he no idea how bad. Why did he ever think that all it would take would be a few pretty words and she would fall into his arms and all would be right in the world?

"Kerry, I have no idea what you're feeling right now, but please talk to me. You've helped me so many times before and now it's my turn, please. Christ, you saved my life with that intervention, and I KNOW that you still beat yourself up over that. Giving me a place to live after I got fired from that dorm job was just the first of many great things you have done for me."

The only sound that came from behind the closed door was the muffled sound of sobbing. He didn't know if she couldn't hear him through the haze of her pain or if she simply chose to ignore him.

"Listen Dr. Weaver, I can't sit here and listen to you cry, it hurts too much. I'm going to leave now like you wanted. But please Kerry; if you don't talk to me then please talk to someone. Talk to Mark, Jeanine, I don't care, just please don't hold all of this in. I just want you to know that I… care. I'm leaving now."

After this, all Kerry Weaver heard was the door quietly shut and realized that John was gone. Why did he have to do this now? Now, when she was feeling her lowest? She knew that all he wanted to give her was his pity and that she couldn't handle. Kerry knew that Carter wasn't offering real love.

Still, she wondered why her feelings for him were still so strong for him after all this time. Why did she still have to love him after everything they had done to each other? Kerry stood up and staggered to her bed and pulled the covers over her frail, shaking body.

She still couldn't believe Carter's words to her. God, she kicked him out of her house first, neglected him after Lucy and he's stabbing, and then sent him packing to Atlanta in the most impersonal way imaginable. Kerry wanted to find a man that would tell her that which Carter just did. Not for the first time in her life Dr. Kerry Weaver wondered if she was even meant to be happy. This was her last thought before falling into a restless sleep.