Negan took a deep breath before he spoke. "I tell you I got married?"
He'd been waiting for the right moment to tell her. Judging by her reaction though, now was probably not that time.
Carol froze, just for a second. She hadn't meant to.
Of course, he hadn't told her, she hadn't seen him since he ran off and left Alexandria without a word of warning.
She continued to check through the boxes of files, trying her best to seem unbothered by Negan's news but she couldn't stop a hint of a frown from forming on her brow.
"Why are you telling me this now?" She asked, annoyed that her voice had come out sounding small.
She didn't know what else to say. She was still reeling a little from the way Negan had just shown up at her door unannounced. Her stomach dropped when she saw him standing there, she thought he was a piece of life that she had left behind for good.
Negan risked a glance at Carol, she was still rummaging through the shelves.
"I don't know." He conceded with a huff. "What are we looking for?"
"Blueprints," Carol answered curtly. "Planning permissions, fire exit routes… Anything that would work as a map for this place."
"Got it," There was an awkward silence while they got on with their search. Negan was flicking through stacks of paper but he wasn't really paying any attention to what was printed on them. He looked over at Carol again to see she was gently frowning still.
"Guess I just thought you should know." He continued. "Thought you might care,"
"Yeah?" Carol stopped what she was doing to look at Negan. She brushed a wisp of her hair away from her face and shrugged. "Well, I don't."
Negan's lips were pulled into a straight line but there was mischief hiding in his eyes. He nodded at her.
Carol's look lingered on Negan for a moment longer than she wanted it to before she went back to rifling through the papers.
A few seconds had gone by and she could still feel his eyes on her.
"What?" She asked without looking up. She was positively glaring at the shelves in front of her now.
"Nothing," Negan studied Carol while toying with the stack of papers he'd rolled up in his hands. A small smirk was creeping onto his lips. "It's just, by the way you're slamming those boxes around, I'd say you do care a little."
"Just drop it." She warned, snatching the papers from him.
Negan chuckled quietly to himself and held his hands up in surrender. His cocky tongue pushed along the inside of his lip. Carol was still as feisty as ever.
•••
later
"You've sure made yourself at home." Carol tutted as she returned from the other room.
Negan was coolly leaning back on her couch with his long legs stretched out and crossed at the ankles in front of him. His arms were folded over his chest. He'd left his jacket thrown over the armchair and his boots were left where he had kicked them off in the middle of the floor.
After dumping the blanket and pillow she'd fetched for him down on the coffee table, Carol made her way through the opened-planned living space to the kitchen.
"Thanks for letting me stay," Negan called after her.
"You didn't exactly give me much choice." Carol scoffed back.
"This place is crazy," Negan ignored her remark as he took a look around.
The apartment was pretty big, fully kitted out too. There were hints of Carol all over it. There were flowers in vases, dustings of flour on the countertops and drawings from the kids hanging on the fridge door. It still didn't quite feel homely though, something was a little off.
"Like Kingdom on fucking steroids." Negan grinned. "Hey, that King of yours still around?"
"Ezekiel drops me a visit from time to time."
"Huh," Negan mused. "What about Dixon? You guys still playing house?"
"No," Carol frowned to herself as she opened the fridge. "It's just me- What are you asking, Negan? You trying to figure out if I'm dating?"
She had poured herself a glass of wine and put the bottle away again before she thought to offer it to Negan. She got the bottle back out and shook it in his direction.
"Oh yeah, I'll take one." He accepted. "So, you've got yourself a little bachelorette pad in the city, huh?"
Carol changed her mind halfway through putting the bottle away. She was going to need the whole thing.
"Thanks," Negan sat up to take the glass Carol was offering and poured himself a drink. "Well, are you?"
"What?" Carol asked, trying her best to seem oblivious as she took a seat beside Negan. She was careful to avoid the arm he had casually slung over the back of the sofa.
"Seeing anyone?"
"You know, I'm not sure that's any of your business," She told him with a hint of something playful in her voice.
"Right." Negan's lips twitched into an amused smile.
He held his glass up, Carol rolled her eyes before gently clinking hers against it.
"Mm, this shit is good." Negan hummed.
"You're lucky, good wine is hard to come by these days. Even in this place." Carol watched as Negan took another slow, appreciative sip.
"Now," Negan shifted his body to face Carol more. "I don't wanna sound like an asshole here."
"Maybe don't open your mouth then," She said dryly.
Negan gave her a flash of his smile before he continued. "What in the shit is a gal like you doing in a place like this?"
Carol thought for a moment before answering. "Surviving mostly."
Negan's face screwed a little. "You know that's different to living right?"
"Is that a line?" Carol asked with narrowing eyes, the smile playing on her lips betraying her.
"Would it work if it was? Cos I could show you exactly what being alive feels like." Negan chuckled at the look on Carol's face. "No, really. You do not fit in here. And you're what? A baker? Come on. Why aren't you out there with Smiler and the plastic parade serving and protecting those brainwashed streets?"
"I'm just, doing things my own way," Carol shrugged. By that, she of course meant scheming and planning. "Keeping my head down. Daryl's taking care of that side of things and I'm… "
"Staying at home to watch the kids and wash his underwear?" Negan asked with amused intrigue as he waited to see if he could provoke a reaction.
"I'm keeping an eye on other things." Carol pursed her lips. "Besides, the bakery's a full-time job." She added facetiously.
"Oh, it's full-time?" Negan played along with a sly smile.
"Yeah, twelve 'til three."
"Uhhuh, right. So you're a busy woman?"
"Well, I do other things too. I have the parent council to attend, so,"
"Oh, well you can't miss out on that."
"Absolutely not."
"Important shit." Negan's face grew into a grin and Carol found herself laughing out loud with him.
"Damn, I've missed you." Negan said as his laughter subsided. His words awkwardly rang out into the silence that followed.
Carol took a slow sip of her drink to avoid answering. "He does smile sometimes." She said after a moment.
"He grimaces." Negan corrected her.
"Stop it." Carol scolded. She and Daryl might not have been as close as they once were but he was still her best friend, she was going to stick up for him.
"You remember the last time we drank wine together?" Negan continued, ignoring Carol's look of reprimand. He was giving her a smokey-eyed sultry smile. "Damn, we had fun that night."
Carol raised her eyebrows. That night. She thought about that night a lot. Even though they had consumed copious amounts of alcohol, she could never forget a moment of that night.
Her eyes fell to the floor while the memories continued to replay. "Oh, I remember."
She smiled almost sheepishly when she looked back up and met Negan's eyes. There was a glint of familiar sparkle in them.
Carol felt a blush hitting her cheeks.
Negan looked away and broke the building tension. "I still say it was your fault that I cut my foot." He told her flatly.
Carol narrowed her eyes, "No, it was your fault." She corrected him.
Truthfully, she didn't have a damned clue what he was talking about. She didn't remember him ever cutting himself.
"Hey," Negan grinned. "I wasn't the one trying to grab hold of the damned thing."
Carol was confused. She shifted in her seat, tucking her legs beneath her and hummed while she thought it over.
He was looking at her expectantly while she tried to figure out what the hell he was talking about.
"Shower?" Carol tried.
"Shit," Negan hung his head back and laughed. "Nope, that wasn't even the same night. That was another wild fucking time though. I ain't trying that shit ever again."
Carol was annoyed now. She huffed as she leaned her elbow on the back of the sofa and rested her head on her hand.
"C'mon," Now Carol was close enough, Negan's fingers moved from where they were resting to graze her arm. "Think about it,"
He leaned closer to her wearing a menacing grin that could only lead to trouble.
"We were in your living room, and," His voice was a low grumble as he tried to jog her memory. "We had to be real quiet cos asshole was upstairs but you were just laughing so damn hard." He let out a short laugh. "You were wearing my leather and not much else, kept telling me how ruggedly handsome I was."
Carol had moved in closer to Negan as he'd been talking. They were both too caught up in their reminiscing and the well-aged wine it seemed to realise he had begun to lightly stroke shapes onto her arm.
"Yeah, that last part definitely didn't happen." Carol snorted softly. "Although now you mention it, a broken wine bottle does spring to mind."
"Bin-go!" Negan laughed. "You remember knocking it over too now?"
Carol felt her face flushing as she remembered exactly what position she was in that night that had her grasping the tabletop and knocking over that bottle. The glazed expression Negan was now wearing told her that he was remembering it too.
And he was. He was remembering exactly how he had her bent over, how his fingers bore into her hips leaving angry red marks behind them…
Their eyes reconnected.
Negan moved his arm from where it was still stretched out to curve around Carol's shoulder. When she didn't show any sign of protest, he drew her in closer.
"Yeah," Negan's chuckle was a low grumble in his chest. His hand had started to stroke delicate circles on her shoulder. "It was quite the night."
"It was," Carol quietly agreed.
Carol realised what was happening, it had happened many times before. She knew she was in dangerous territory here but that knowledge didn't stop her breathing from being reduced to a shudder as she looked up at his dark, smouldering stare. It didn't stop her from laying her hand flat out in the centre of his chest or from allowing it to wander upwards to his jaw.
His heavy-lidded eyes flicked down to her lips just before he began to slowly dip his head down towards hers.
"No," Just like that, the trance was broken. Carol put her hands on Negan's chest and pushed herself away from him. "We aren't doing this again, Negan. I can't."
Negan cleared his throat. He raked his hair back with his fingers.
"Sorry," He grumbled, his eyes fells to the floor. "I thought— "
"You are a married man." Carol's words were rigorous and delivered with the intent to sting.
Negan huffed a humourless laugh. "I was."
Carol threw him a puzzled look.
"Yeah." He picked up his wine glass and made small circles with his hand. He watched the little wine he had left swirl around before he lifted it to his lips to finish it off. "She left me. Would've told you earlier if you'd have let me finish."
"Negan— " Carol started to apologise but he waved her away. "What happened?"
"I don't really know." Negan shook his head as he pulled the cork off the bottle of wine to pour himself another generous glass. "I guess we rushed into things. Her loss right?"
The resentment left Negan's eyes after Carol placed a comforting touch to his knee. He only managed to give her a half smile in return.
"It was a while ago now." He spoke as he took Carol's glass from her hand to top it up. "Six months maybe? Shit, I don't know."
He handed Carol her drink before he sank most of his own in one gulp.
"Thing is, with me and her it was never… " He was fighting the cork back into the bottle while trying to think exactly what he wanted to say. "It was never like this, you know?"
"What do you mean?" Carol uttered though, of course, she had known exactly what he meant.
"It was never just easy." His expression had turned serious as he gestured between them. "We never had what you and I had."
Carol watched as Negan looked down into his wine glass.
"We had fun," she said quietly.
Negan's brow furrowed as he looked back up at her. "That all we had? Fun?"
They had both always delicately danced around the subject of their history together. It was a dance they knew all too well. In theory, it was easy. See each other, smile, say nothing and carry on with their separate lives. Put into practice, however, they both found it difficult not to let their truths show.
If anyone in Alexandria had paid them any real attention they would have easily noticed the little glances and fleeting touches they shared when they were together. They would have noticed the obvious appreciation they held for each other. Negan especially didn't let his admiration for Carol go unheard, he thought that the woman was magnificent and that everyone should know it.
The most important part of this act, and its greatest flaw, was to assume the ardent desire they felt for the other was unrequited. Negan swore to himself he'd never allow himself to feel anything towards Carol and Carol convinced herself that he never would.
Carol nodded, her lips pulled tight. "That's all we had." She tried to bring the conversation to its conclusion.
Negan let out a single dry laugh.
With that, deciding it was in her best interest to call it a night, Carol stood up and got to tidying away the wine and the glasses. They clinked together in her hands.
"Bullshit."
She pretended not to hear Negan's offhand remark as she dumped the now-empty bottle into the trash and placed the dirty glasses into the sink. She stood there for a minute with her hands holding onto the countertop. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath before slowly releasing it.
She reassured herself that she had complete composure back before she turned around but flinched when she turned to find Negan was standing there behind her.
His tall frame always seemed to demand dominance, she felt so small in comparison. He was just standing there looking at her and seeing all of the things she didn't want him to see, all of the emotions she didn't want to show.
"Carol, what we had… " He shook his head almost as if the memories pained him.
"Don't," Carol didn't want to hear it.
Negan opened his mouth to talk again but Carol cut him off. She was angry.
"You do not get to come here and act as if nothing has happened, Negan! Like you didn't just up and leave!"
Negan kept his voice steady in comparison. "We both know that me being there probably wasn't going to end well for either of us."
"Is that your apology?" Carol laughed in disbelief, she'd had enough. "I'm going to bed."
"Carol— "
"Goodnight, Negan."
"Wait," Negan managed to catch Carol's elbow as she barged past him, forcing her to inadvertently spin around to face him.
"Now, you can be mad at me. Hell, you should be mad at me. But you cannot tell me that what we had wasn't something."
"Why not? You certainly didn't think it was something worth sticking around for." Carol pulled her arm away from him. "Negan, you left. You just left! After everything that we went through."
Carol's statement was one that demanded an explanation but Negan didn't have one to give her. They continued to stare each other down.
Carol's stony glare became blurred with tears that she was not about to let fall. " Everything. Did I not deserve an explanation? A goodbye?"
"I left because I had to." Negan was talking through a clenched jaw, restraining himself from saying something he might regret later. "I couldn't stay in Alexandria with that giant ass target on my back. There was nothing for me there! I was treated like dirt. I didn't have a home, I didn't have friends. I had nothing!"
"You had me!" Carol's words seem to hang in the air after they spilt out. "That wasn't a good enough reason to stay?"
"Shit, Carol." Negan's face fell along with the volume of his voice. He sighed and let his chin fall before he looked at her again. "Leaving you behind was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. There was not a day that went by that I didn't regret it."
Carol found it hard to believe what Negan was trying to tell her. His betrayal still felt fresh. After he was gone she was left feeling stupid, humiliated and led on. She resented him for it and yet here she was just moments ago, putty in his hands again. Any time he came running she just couldn't seem to resist it and she felt like a fool because of it.
Her bottom lip trembled against her will. "If we had something why was I left to feel like nothing? Whatever we had couldn't have meant shit to you."
Negan felt his stomach drop and his heart sink. Carol's words were powerful. He truly did believe that leaving was his best option to make sure Carol didn't end up getting hurt. Hurting people seemed to be the only thing he was good at. He didn't want to know what the repercussions for her would be if anyone ever found out about the time they spent together.
Negan stepped closer to Carol, his face lined with pain. He decided it was about time to lay all his cards on the table.
"Look, I am sorry that I hurt you." There was an ache in his chest as Carol looked at him with damp eyes. "Truth is? I couldn't stay there for one second longer and stay apart from you. Me leaving and not coming back was a hell of a lot easier than staying there and accepting that I was falling in love with you and that there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it."
Negan's confession coaxed a single tear to fall down Carol's cheek.
"Negan, please don't— " Carol pleaded. She didn't want to hear it, she wanted to stay mad at him. She wanted to hate him.
"I tried to recreate what we had with someone else but it didn't work out. And you know why it didn't work out?"
He sighed heavily as Carol tried to push her way past him again. He stepped into her path and took hold of her arms.
Carol didn't fight against him, she had been hoping that he was going to stop her from leaving.
"It was because she wasn't you." He told her earnestly. Negan towered over her as they stood close. He reached up and pushed her hair back behind her ear.
Carol closed her eyes to save any more tears from falling and swallowed as Negan ran a delicate knuckle down her cheek. He cradled her jaw in his hand, his fingertips curving around to hold her neck.
Carol tilted her head into his hand. "I thought," She took a deep breath to try and subdue the defiant tears that were running down her cheeks. "I thought that you were just someone else who decided they didn't want me anymore."
"Carol," Negan shook his head. He was perhaps for the first time ever, at a loss for words. He needed her to know how wrong she was. "Carol that's not true."
His eyes pleaded with her. He needed her to believe him. He took another step towards her and wrapped his arms around her body, pulling her into a tight embrace. Carol screwed her eyes shut as she clung to him, she had her face pressed against his chest.
Negan held his cheek against her hair, praying that he was going to be able to hold it together.
"I want this," He muttered with rough affection. He let his fall head down into the crook of her shoulder.
Her eyes closed, she succumbed to him as he breathed her in. She raised her hand and slid her fingers into his hair, a gesture which prompted Negan to turn his head and press his lips against the soft skin on her neck. He left them to linger there before they slid up.
"I want you." He admitted quietly and confidently in her ear.
His whisper made the hair on her arms stand up. She shuddered an almost silent sigh as he kissed the hollow beneath her ear.
"Negan," Carol breathed.
"I want us."
Carol found herself unwillingly letting out small sighs as Negan's lips continued to caress her neck. She turned her head to face him, forcing him to break contact.
He pulled his head back to look at her face. They were just millimetres apart.
Negan waited for a fraction of a second for any sign of the slightest hesitation from Carol before he pressed his lips to hers.
Carol quickly pulled back, as if his lips had burnt her. She scanned Negan's face, looking for any indication of deceit but it wasn't there. His face was dark and serious, a fire burned in his eyes.
"I want you." He felt compelled to remind her again.
It was Carol who initiated the second kiss. She took Negan's face into her hands and crashed their lips together. Her hands slid up to knot into his hair as he took a strong hold of her hips.
She gasped into the air when he tugged on her lower lip with his teeth.
Their lips met harsher after that, as if they both were realising just how starved they had been of the other. Their kisses were desperate, filled with longing, admission and pent-up lust that they'd been trying to ignore for too long.
...
