Author note: Star Wars not mine. Blah blah blah... I'm gonna post up all my new out-takes in chapters, and then when I feel I've done enough, I'll create the Special Edition!! (Meaning I put all of them together in a logical order!)
I'm so glad so many people like this, and I love some of the suggestions you people are coming up with!!! But moooore people!! I need mooooore!! I want this to be an out-take collection of epic proportions!!!
Hee hee!!
Enjoy the latest batch!!
[The Crawl]
[The crawl comes up in front of the camera, but there's something different about it. Instead of looking like giant yellow writing against the backdrop of space, it looks like several pieces of cardboard stuck together with brown tape. It reads;]
...Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. Uncle George has been allowed to direct another movie...
George Lucas: [offscreen] That's not what I wrote...
...In his quest for movie domination, he has tried a completely different tactic.
Hoping to take movie merchandising to a completely different level, Uncle George has enlisted the help of many deadly Bristish actors...
George: [offscreen and getting agitated] I REALLY didn't write that bit... Spielberg! Have you been messing with my effects again?!
...While the congress of Hollywood fatcats debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor of movies everywhere has secretly dispatched two young actors - the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict and help free the British actors from their prison....
[Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Maul leap on, both wearing masks on their faces and Scottish flags around their shoulders]
Obi: I am Super-Jedi!!
Maul: And I am Hyper-Maul!!
Both: Together, we are here to stop you, evil Uncle George!
Maul: [grabs George] Or should I say... [tries to pull the director's face off] I thought you said he was Bill Clinton in disguise!
Obi: Uhh... My sources must have lied! Quickly Hyper-Maul!! We must fly!!
[They both leap off the screen, and we hear them burst into insane laughter two seconds later]
George: [very bemused] This is just gonna be one of THOSE shoots...
[Trade Federation ship]
[Obi and Qui-Gon have entered the conference room]
TC-14: My Master will be with you shortly...
[The droid leaves. Obi and Qui remove their thick hoods]
Obi: I have a bad feeling about this...
Qui: [smug] I don't sense anything.
Obi: [frowns] It's not about the mission, Master... It's something elsewhere... Elusive...
Qui: Don't center on your anxiety Obi-Wan. Keep your concentration here and now where it belongs.
Obi: But Master Yoda said that mindful of the future I should be, yes, hrrhm...
[Qui gives Obi a funny look]
Obi: [frowns] Well he did. It's so hard to figure out what he's saying sometimes...
Yoda: [offscreen] Heard that I did! Anymore insolence from you, and your ass I shall kick!
[Republic Cruiser]
[The two pilots of the Cruiser are sat playing poker and do not notice that the camera is on them]
Pilot 1: Hit me...
Pilot 2: Whatcha got...?
[They don't notice the huge laser cannon turn towards them. In fact, pilot 1 is too busy eyeing his cards]
Pilot 1: Pair of Aces...
Pilot 2: [grins and slams her cards down onto the table] HAH! I win aga... [notices the cannon] What's that?
BOOOOOM
[Scene cuts to Obi and Qui - who are also playing cards]
George: Who let them have cards?!
[Trade Federation ship]
OWO-1: Check it out Corporal... We'll cover you.
Corporal: Roger... What?! Hey!! I'm not going in there!!
OWO-1: We drew straws before the take remember? You lost, so you have to go in there first!
Corporal: NO WAY! Especially not alone! Do you guys know that there are actual JEDI in there!?! [tosses his gun aside and starts to head off the set] Forget it! I'll be in my trailer!!
[The rest of the battle droids look around uneasily at each other]
OWO-1: So... Who's going in there?
[The rest of the droids shrug. They all turn suddenly as loud coughing is heard from inside the conference room]
Obi: Hello!?! Choking to death in here!
Qui: Little service might be nice!! Try to take more time next time eh?!
[They both cough to add effect. George rolls his eyes]
George: You're not choking. Get back in there and shut up. [under breath] And you call yourselves actors...
Qui: [You can hear the mirth] We're not actors!! We're Jedi!
[Cue much more coughing as George turns to gas machine up to full]
[Tatooine desert]
[Anakin and Qui are running across the desert. In the background, we can see Maul approaching quickly on his speederbike]
Qui: [turns, spies Maul] Anakin!! Drop!!
Ani: [frowns and stops, putting a hand to his ear] What? I can't hear you!
Maul: [yelling] Get the hell out of the way!!
Ani: [turns] Uh-oh!
SPLAT
Crew: Oh my GOD! You killed Anakin!!
Obi: [far-off] Yippee!!
Ani: Nah... I'm alright... [gets up slowly]
Obi: [far-off] DAMNIT!
TAKE TWO...
Qui: Anakin!! Drop!!
[Ani manages to get down this time, and Maul's speeder bike sails over him. Qui ignites his saber and readies for Maul's attack]
Maul: [leaps off his speeder bike in an impressive flip. Unfortunately...] Grr... WAGH!! [He doesn't make it all the way back to upright and lands upside down, practically on his head]
Qui: [bursts out laughing after wincing slightly] And you call yourself a Sith? My apprentice can pull off better flips than that!
Maul: [from floor] Yeah, but your apprentice can't work a lightsaber or do a split kick without landing funny.
Obi: [V.O.] HEY!
Qui: He's right though...
((Credit goes out to Sifu Rae for suggesting this!!))
[Coruscant]
[Maul and Sid are walking along a balcony]
Maul: Tatooine is sparsely populated. If the trace was correct, I will find them quickly, Master.
Sid: Move against the Jedi first... Then you will have no difficulty taking the Queen...
[They pause by the balcony's edge, Maul turns to Sid]
Maul: At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi... At last we will have revenge...
Sid: You have been well-trained, my young apprentice. They will be no match for you...
George: CUT! Good take guys.
Maul: [yawns] This is boring, Master. Why are we working for that idiot again?
Sid: [sighs as if he has already explained this four times] Because taking over the universe costs money... And as you seem reluctant to hold on to a proper job, we have to resort to acting.
Maul: [shudders] Well... Can we not at least kill a few Jedi while we're here?
Sid: [shakes head and looks down over the balcony edge] Not yet, my young apprentice... but we CAN hock loogies at them... [points down]
Maul: [grins] D'you think I can hit Yoda from here?
Sid: No... To hit such a small target requires a master's skill...
[They both hock back and spit off the edge of the balcony. We hear at least two people scream]
Sid: [smug] See? I got him. You missed.
Maul: [scowling] At least I got that stupid Ki-Adi Mundi fella...
George: Am I paying you guys to spit at your co-stars?
Sid: [rolls eyes and waves hand in Jedi-like manner] Yes. You are.
George: [entraced] Yes... I am...
Sid: Excellent...
[The two Sith continue to spit off the edge]
[Naboo hangar]
Battle Droid: Halt!
Qui: I'm ambassador to the Supreme Chancellor and I'm taking these people to Coruscant.
Droid: [confused] Wheeeere are you taking them?
Qui: [leans forwards and thwaps the droid across the forehead] To Coruscant! Are you deaf?
Droid: [a single tear wells up in one eye] Y-you... [starts to cry]
George: [tries to suffocate self with his script] Take Two!!
LATER ON...
Droid: You're under arrest!
[Qui slices the droid in half with his saber, ushering everyone onto the ship. Just across the hangar, Obi leaps out of his hiding place and takes out two droids with a stunning split kick... Unfortunately, he doesn't quite land right]
Every male member of the cast and crew: Aiiiie! That's gotta hurt!
Qui: [winces as he watches Obi land - still doing the splits] What have I taught you about split kicks, Padawan?
Obi: [has turned a funny shade of red, is holding his groin and cannot speak with normal pitch] Sorry... Master... [falls to the floor and groans]
George: Recover, then we'll do that again...
[Naboo corridor]
[Panaka, Amidala et al are firing at several battle droids from behind cloumns of thick marble. Panaka realises that this is not happening fast enough and shoots out the window oppostie. Amidala catches on and heads out of the window with Panaka and a group of guards]
Panaka: Ascension guns!
[they all get out their ascension guns and fire them upwards. The arrows embed themselves in the rock above. Everyone pushes a button on their gun and start to move upwards. All except...]
Panaka: What the...?! [he is moving down istead of up] HEY!!
[Obi and Maul appear and peer down at him through the busted window]
Obi: That'll teach you to be such a pessimistic idiot!!
Panaka: I'm doomed!
Maul: [to Obi] He doesn't learn, does he?
Obi: [shakes head] What should we do?
[They both produce a pair of scissors and grin evilly at Panaka]
Panaka: Oh shit!
[Maul is about to cut the wire when he is grabbed from behind by Ric and wrestled to the ground]
Maul: Heeey!
[Panaka climbs back up the wire and growls at the two pranksters... Cue cat-fight between all four]
George: I give up...
((More credit to Sifu Rae for this one!! This is going to be a running joke by the way... heh heh heh!!))
[Naboo]
[Obi, Qui and Jar-Jar are stood on a balcony/bridge, watching as battle droids lead Amidala and her entourage along. They jump down. Qui easily ignites his saber]
Obi: [his saber won't turn on] What the hell? [he shakes it... It still won't turn on]
Qui: [stops and frowns] What's wrong NOW? [turns to battle droids] Excuse me!! We're not ready to fight right now!
Battle droids: [shrug] Fine...
Obi: [is peering down the end of his saber and still shaking it] Why won't it work?
Qui: Give it here. [Drops it on the floor and stamps on it] Here. Try it now.
Obi: [pushes the button. Nothing] It's broken!! [hits it against the nearest wall... Still nothing]
[The camera moves offscreen, where Maul is chuckling madly and concentrating hard]
Maul: C'moon little Jedi... Lets just look down the saber again...
Obi: [shakes it again] I'm gonna have to pull it apart... [tries to twist the bottom off. Fails miserably] C'mooon!! [He puts the saber between his legs and continues to try pulling the bottom off]
Maul: Even better!! [clicks his fingers]
[Suddenly, the saber turns on. Obi pales for a split second and then screams]
Every male member of the crew: AIIIIE!!! [all grab their groins and try not to feel Obi's pain]
Maul: YEEES!! TAKE THAT JEDI!! [dances around in victory as Obi falls to ground, groaning again]
George: [to Maul] You do that one more time, and you're off my set.
Maul: [hopefully] Is that a promise?
I'm so glad so many people like this, and I love some of the suggestions you people are coming up with!!! But moooore people!! I need mooooore!! I want this to be an out-take collection of epic proportions!!!
Hee hee!!
Enjoy the latest batch!!
[The Crawl]
[The crawl comes up in front of the camera, but there's something different about it. Instead of looking like giant yellow writing against the backdrop of space, it looks like several pieces of cardboard stuck together with brown tape. It reads;]
...Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. Uncle George has been allowed to direct another movie...
George Lucas: [offscreen] That's not what I wrote...
...In his quest for movie domination, he has tried a completely different tactic.
Hoping to take movie merchandising to a completely different level, Uncle George has enlisted the help of many deadly Bristish actors...
George: [offscreen and getting agitated] I REALLY didn't write that bit... Spielberg! Have you been messing with my effects again?!
...While the congress of Hollywood fatcats debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor of movies everywhere has secretly dispatched two young actors - the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict and help free the British actors from their prison....
[Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Maul leap on, both wearing masks on their faces and Scottish flags around their shoulders]
Obi: I am Super-Jedi!!
Maul: And I am Hyper-Maul!!
Both: Together, we are here to stop you, evil Uncle George!
Maul: [grabs George] Or should I say... [tries to pull the director's face off] I thought you said he was Bill Clinton in disguise!
Obi: Uhh... My sources must have lied! Quickly Hyper-Maul!! We must fly!!
[They both leap off the screen, and we hear them burst into insane laughter two seconds later]
George: [very bemused] This is just gonna be one of THOSE shoots...
[Trade Federation ship]
[Obi and Qui-Gon have entered the conference room]
TC-14: My Master will be with you shortly...
[The droid leaves. Obi and Qui remove their thick hoods]
Obi: I have a bad feeling about this...
Qui: [smug] I don't sense anything.
Obi: [frowns] It's not about the mission, Master... It's something elsewhere... Elusive...
Qui: Don't center on your anxiety Obi-Wan. Keep your concentration here and now where it belongs.
Obi: But Master Yoda said that mindful of the future I should be, yes, hrrhm...
[Qui gives Obi a funny look]
Obi: [frowns] Well he did. It's so hard to figure out what he's saying sometimes...
Yoda: [offscreen] Heard that I did! Anymore insolence from you, and your ass I shall kick!
[Republic Cruiser]
[The two pilots of the Cruiser are sat playing poker and do not notice that the camera is on them]
Pilot 1: Hit me...
Pilot 2: Whatcha got...?
[They don't notice the huge laser cannon turn towards them. In fact, pilot 1 is too busy eyeing his cards]
Pilot 1: Pair of Aces...
Pilot 2: [grins and slams her cards down onto the table] HAH! I win aga... [notices the cannon] What's that?
BOOOOOM
[Scene cuts to Obi and Qui - who are also playing cards]
George: Who let them have cards?!
[Trade Federation ship]
OWO-1: Check it out Corporal... We'll cover you.
Corporal: Roger... What?! Hey!! I'm not going in there!!
OWO-1: We drew straws before the take remember? You lost, so you have to go in there first!
Corporal: NO WAY! Especially not alone! Do you guys know that there are actual JEDI in there!?! [tosses his gun aside and starts to head off the set] Forget it! I'll be in my trailer!!
[The rest of the battle droids look around uneasily at each other]
OWO-1: So... Who's going in there?
[The rest of the droids shrug. They all turn suddenly as loud coughing is heard from inside the conference room]
Obi: Hello!?! Choking to death in here!
Qui: Little service might be nice!! Try to take more time next time eh?!
[They both cough to add effect. George rolls his eyes]
George: You're not choking. Get back in there and shut up. [under breath] And you call yourselves actors...
Qui: [You can hear the mirth] We're not actors!! We're Jedi!
[Cue much more coughing as George turns to gas machine up to full]
[Tatooine desert]
[Anakin and Qui are running across the desert. In the background, we can see Maul approaching quickly on his speederbike]
Qui: [turns, spies Maul] Anakin!! Drop!!
Ani: [frowns and stops, putting a hand to his ear] What? I can't hear you!
Maul: [yelling] Get the hell out of the way!!
Ani: [turns] Uh-oh!
SPLAT
Crew: Oh my GOD! You killed Anakin!!
Obi: [far-off] Yippee!!
Ani: Nah... I'm alright... [gets up slowly]
Obi: [far-off] DAMNIT!
TAKE TWO...
Qui: Anakin!! Drop!!
[Ani manages to get down this time, and Maul's speeder bike sails over him. Qui ignites his saber and readies for Maul's attack]
Maul: [leaps off his speeder bike in an impressive flip. Unfortunately...] Grr... WAGH!! [He doesn't make it all the way back to upright and lands upside down, practically on his head]
Qui: [bursts out laughing after wincing slightly] And you call yourself a Sith? My apprentice can pull off better flips than that!
Maul: [from floor] Yeah, but your apprentice can't work a lightsaber or do a split kick without landing funny.
Obi: [V.O.] HEY!
Qui: He's right though...
((Credit goes out to Sifu Rae for suggesting this!!))
[Coruscant]
[Maul and Sid are walking along a balcony]
Maul: Tatooine is sparsely populated. If the trace was correct, I will find them quickly, Master.
Sid: Move against the Jedi first... Then you will have no difficulty taking the Queen...
[They pause by the balcony's edge, Maul turns to Sid]
Maul: At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi... At last we will have revenge...
Sid: You have been well-trained, my young apprentice. They will be no match for you...
George: CUT! Good take guys.
Maul: [yawns] This is boring, Master. Why are we working for that idiot again?
Sid: [sighs as if he has already explained this four times] Because taking over the universe costs money... And as you seem reluctant to hold on to a proper job, we have to resort to acting.
Maul: [shudders] Well... Can we not at least kill a few Jedi while we're here?
Sid: [shakes head and looks down over the balcony edge] Not yet, my young apprentice... but we CAN hock loogies at them... [points down]
Maul: [grins] D'you think I can hit Yoda from here?
Sid: No... To hit such a small target requires a master's skill...
[They both hock back and spit off the edge of the balcony. We hear at least two people scream]
Sid: [smug] See? I got him. You missed.
Maul: [scowling] At least I got that stupid Ki-Adi Mundi fella...
George: Am I paying you guys to spit at your co-stars?
Sid: [rolls eyes and waves hand in Jedi-like manner] Yes. You are.
George: [entraced] Yes... I am...
Sid: Excellent...
[The two Sith continue to spit off the edge]
[Naboo hangar]
Battle Droid: Halt!
Qui: I'm ambassador to the Supreme Chancellor and I'm taking these people to Coruscant.
Droid: [confused] Wheeeere are you taking them?
Qui: [leans forwards and thwaps the droid across the forehead] To Coruscant! Are you deaf?
Droid: [a single tear wells up in one eye] Y-you... [starts to cry]
George: [tries to suffocate self with his script] Take Two!!
LATER ON...
Droid: You're under arrest!
[Qui slices the droid in half with his saber, ushering everyone onto the ship. Just across the hangar, Obi leaps out of his hiding place and takes out two droids with a stunning split kick... Unfortunately, he doesn't quite land right]
Every male member of the cast and crew: Aiiiie! That's gotta hurt!
Qui: [winces as he watches Obi land - still doing the splits] What have I taught you about split kicks, Padawan?
Obi: [has turned a funny shade of red, is holding his groin and cannot speak with normal pitch] Sorry... Master... [falls to the floor and groans]
George: Recover, then we'll do that again...
[Naboo corridor]
[Panaka, Amidala et al are firing at several battle droids from behind cloumns of thick marble. Panaka realises that this is not happening fast enough and shoots out the window oppostie. Amidala catches on and heads out of the window with Panaka and a group of guards]
Panaka: Ascension guns!
[they all get out their ascension guns and fire them upwards. The arrows embed themselves in the rock above. Everyone pushes a button on their gun and start to move upwards. All except...]
Panaka: What the...?! [he is moving down istead of up] HEY!!
[Obi and Maul appear and peer down at him through the busted window]
Obi: That'll teach you to be such a pessimistic idiot!!
Panaka: I'm doomed!
Maul: [to Obi] He doesn't learn, does he?
Obi: [shakes head] What should we do?
[They both produce a pair of scissors and grin evilly at Panaka]
Panaka: Oh shit!
[Maul is about to cut the wire when he is grabbed from behind by Ric and wrestled to the ground]
Maul: Heeey!
[Panaka climbs back up the wire and growls at the two pranksters... Cue cat-fight between all four]
George: I give up...
((More credit to Sifu Rae for this one!! This is going to be a running joke by the way... heh heh heh!!))
[Naboo]
[Obi, Qui and Jar-Jar are stood on a balcony/bridge, watching as battle droids lead Amidala and her entourage along. They jump down. Qui easily ignites his saber]
Obi: [his saber won't turn on] What the hell? [he shakes it... It still won't turn on]
Qui: [stops and frowns] What's wrong NOW? [turns to battle droids] Excuse me!! We're not ready to fight right now!
Battle droids: [shrug] Fine...
Obi: [is peering down the end of his saber and still shaking it] Why won't it work?
Qui: Give it here. [Drops it on the floor and stamps on it] Here. Try it now.
Obi: [pushes the button. Nothing] It's broken!! [hits it against the nearest wall... Still nothing]
[The camera moves offscreen, where Maul is chuckling madly and concentrating hard]
Maul: C'moon little Jedi... Lets just look down the saber again...
Obi: [shakes it again] I'm gonna have to pull it apart... [tries to twist the bottom off. Fails miserably] C'mooon!! [He puts the saber between his legs and continues to try pulling the bottom off]
Maul: Even better!! [clicks his fingers]
[Suddenly, the saber turns on. Obi pales for a split second and then screams]
Every male member of the crew: AIIIIE!!! [all grab their groins and try not to feel Obi's pain]
Maul: YEEES!! TAKE THAT JEDI!! [dances around in victory as Obi falls to ground, groaning again]
George: [to Maul] You do that one more time, and you're off my set.
Maul: [hopefully] Is that a promise?
