potionsman
Potions Man

It's nine o'clock on a Saturday
The rest of the staff shuffles in
Dumbledore's eyes twinkle merrily
And I chug my tonic and gin

He says, "Sev, can you mix up an elixir?
I'll need it by next Wednesday night
For the moon's light will reach
And then, rather than teach
I surely fear Remus will bite."

Whip up a draft, you're the Potions Man
Whip up a draft tonight
Don't complain - it's your job here at Hogwarts
And you've got to do it, alright?

Now Binns teaches History of Magic
He's been here for years, you can tell
He died in his sleep
But ne'er did Binns weep
Though his lessons are boring as hell

He says, "Listen, you don't want to stick around
Get out of here while you're still alive
I thought maybe I'd teach for a little while
But I've been here since - oh, '35."

Minerva's the Deputy Headmistress
She never had time for a life
And she's talking with Hagrid
Who lost his mum and dad
His size always causes a strife

Madam Pomfrey is practicing medicine
While Madam Pince takes care of the books
Argus Filch roams the halls with that mangy cat
Throwing all the students dirty looks

Whip up a draft, you're the Potions Man
Whip up a draft tonight
Don't complain - it's your job here at Hogwarts
And you've got to do it, alright?

It's a damn waste of time for a Saturday
This meeting's been thrown to the wind
I've a potion to make -
One which Lupin must take
And perhaps I should go and begin

And Flitwick sounds just like he's from Munchkinland
And Professor Sprout smells like the dirt
As it comes to a close
Peeves makes fun of my nose
Oh, dear God, Sibyll's trying to flirt!

Whip up a draft, you're the Potions Man
Whip up a draft tonight
Don't complain - it's your job here at Hogwarts
And you've got to do it, alright?

~

Disclaimer: The song, Piano Man belongs to Billy Joel, not me, so there. I just borrowed the tune. The words, however, I would like to keep for myself.

Thanks to you, Kelly, for doing the editing for me, and for the lines to that last verse!

~