Chapter 1
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
. . . from
this day forward
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I woke to the sounds of early morning -- birds singing, the
newspaper hitting the front stoop, commuters' cars traveling down the
street. I snuggled further under the
covers, relishing the cool breeze entering through the slightly open
window. The comfortable weight of my
husband sleeping next to me offered the security of routine, a routine born of
ten years of marriage.
Ten years -- it seemed almost inconceivable. Lee's soft snores drifted across the bed,
drawing forth a remembrance of the first time I'd woken to the sound of those
snores. Hazy recollections, softened by
the passage of time and filtered by the intervening years, came to me. Memories of our wedding night, memories that
caused me to grin like a schoolgirl.
As my mind drifted back to the present, I quickly put aside
the schoolgirl grin. Nights like the
previous one always made me realize how very much a woman I was. The feelings he induced when we made love
brought to the fore a sensuality grown more potent over the years -- a
sensuality of love, commitment, and maturity.
I rolled over and spooned myself against his warm,
sleep-laden body. How I loved waking
next to this man, this husband of mine. I smiled as I recalled how our imprudent 'mystery marriage' had come to
an abrupt halt after a mere six months. That was as long as we'd been able to stand not waking up in the same
bed together.
I felt the change in Lee's breathing as he shifted into
wakefulness. "Good morning, Mr.
Stetson," I murmured into the back of his neck.
"Good morning, Mrs. Stetson," he mumbled, rolling over to
face me. "How'd you sleep?"
"Wonderfully," I responded as he pulled me closer. "I had the most incredible dream."
"Oh?" he asked in the familiarity of a morning routine we'd
shared many times over the years.
"Yep," I offered as I leaned in and kissed him lightly on
the lips. I twirled the wedding band on
my finger as I said, "There was this dashing older man, a candlelit dinner --"
"Older?" he interrupted as his hazel eyes drilled into mine.
"Well, it has been ten years," I teased, trying not to smile
at the slightly disconcerted look on his face.
"Older, huh? I'll
show you older, Mrs. Stetson." He
abruptly rolled me to my back and looked down at me. The love and passion I saw in his eyes, grown stronger over the
years, caused my heart to leap. His
strong arms supported his trim, muscular figure as he loomed over me -- a
slight softening at his belt line and a graying at his temples the only signs
of aging his body displayed.
"Well, maybe not that old," I gasped before his demanding
mouth covered mine.
As his tongue teased my lips, I eagerly opened my mouth to
accept him. Shivers coursed through me
as our kiss deepened, serving to heighten the feel of his fingers as they
caressed my body. The rhythm of his movements, the demands of his mouth, the
touch of his hands -- all served to consume me, to draw me into that heightened
state of awareness that only two lovers can find.
We joined together with practiced ease, the fluency of our
dance having been perfected over the years. Our bodies moved as one -- expressing our commitment, our love, our
passion -- until, intertwined and spent, we collapsed together in breathless surrender.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"So, what's on the agenda for your day off?" Lee asked over
the top of the newspaper as he sipped his morning coffee.
"Well, I've got an early doctor's appointment, just a
check-up, and a lunch date with Mother; then we're going shopping. Would you like to join us?" I asked
playfully.
"Shopping with the West women?" he asked with an exaggerated
shudder. "No thanks. I think I'll stick to outsmarting
international spy rings; it's less stressful."
"Chicken," I said, swatting his arm with a section of the
newspaper. "What time will you be home
tonight?"
"Well, I've got to meet with Francine's team about the Chen
case. Then there's a briefing with some
of the new recruits. I'm also supposed
to meet with Dr. Smyth about some possible restructuring of our training
facilities," he said with a sigh.
"Busy day, huh? That's okay. We can have a light
dinner whenever you get home," I replied as I finished putting my breakfast
dishes into the dishwasher.
"I still wonder how Billy managed all those years," he said,
a rueful smile on his face. "Being
Section Chief is more demanding than being an undercover operative ever was;
that's for sure."
I walked behind his chair and leaned down, wrapping my arms
around his shoulders and kissing his cheek. "He's very proud of how you've taken over his responsibilities. So am I."
I could feel the reverberation of his deep chuckle through
my arms. "Well, you're biased, Mrs.
Stetson."
"Me, biased? Just
because I sleep with the boss -- why would that make me biased?" I retorted, my
smile widening.
He stood suddenly and pulled me into his embrace. After a kiss that curled my toes, he finally
released me and said, "I'd better go now, or I'm never gonna get to work. You've already been enough of a distraction
this morning." Then, with a wink, he
grabbed his briefcase and headed out the door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Good to see you, Mrs. Stetson," the nurse said as she
escorted me to the exam room. "I see
it's been two years since your last mammogram. Have you had any problems in the meantime?"
"No, no problems."
"Good to hear. Okay,
slip out of your clothes and put this on, and I'll be right back," the nurse
said as she handed me a gown and closed the door behind her.
I removed my clothing, shivering as I put on the paper-thin
gown. 'Why is it these rooms are always
so cold?' I wondered as goosebumps covered my skin.
The nurse returned and led me to the room with the equipment
-- the impersonal, rigid, coldly diagnostic equipment. The technician was competent and
professional, and the hard press of metal on my sensitive flesh, though
uncomfortable, was familiar. I knew the
routine and the discomfort never lasted long.
Mother had always insisted that our family take good care of
our health, and her insistence had rubbed off on me over the years. Ruefully, I remembered how difficult it had
been, at first, to get Lee into the family routine of regular check-ups. He'd been unable to resist for long, though,
and he was now almost as adamant about health care as the rest of us.
"There we are, all done," the technician said, interrupting
my musings as the pressure finally eased. "You can get dressed now, Mrs. Stetson. We'll send the results to your doctor's office and she'll get in touch
with you."
"Okay, thanks," I replied as I headed back to the exam room
to change.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It sure is good to see you,
Mother," I said as I kissed her cheek.
"You're looking well, dear. How's Lee?" she asked as she sat down at the
small, outdoor table where we'd been seated.
"Oh, he's fine. Busy as usual. He has to meet with his boss this afternoon, not one of his
favorite pastimes," I said with a smile. "How's Lillian?" I asked as I
picked up the luncheon menu.
"Oh, she's great. It's hard to believe she's turning 75 this
year. She's still as spry as she's ever
been," she offered, chuckling.
"Funny, she reminds me of someone
else I know," I said, chuckling in return. The two sisters had discovered a deep friendship after moving in
together five years before. Just
hearing about their busy social schedule left me exhausted.
With a look indicating she wasn't
going to dignify my last remark with a response, Mother perused her menu and
asked, "Have you heard from the boys?"
"Well, Phillip's still in newlywed
heaven -- all he ever talks about is Lisa." I smiled. "They seem to be doing well. They're even talking about buying a house, can you believe it?"
"Young people do buy houses much
sooner, these days. Let's just hope
they wait a while to start a family." Mother sipped her water as she looked at me over the top of her reading
glasses.
"I just hope they know what a huge
commitment a mortgage is. Especially
since Lisa wants to go to grad school. What are you having, Mother?" I asked, noticing the waiter had stopped
at our table.
"What can I get for you lovely
ladies this fine afternoon?" the young man asked, his pen poised over his order
book.
"I think I'll have the chicken
salad. Something light sounds
wonderful. Oh, and an iced tea, extra
lemon," she said, looking expectantly at me.
"I'll have the same," I said as I
handed the waiter our menus.
"Excellent choice. I'll be right back with your tea." As the young man walked away, Mother's eyes
closely followed his athletic figure.
"Mother!" I said, trying hard not
to laugh.
"What? Amanda, I may be getting older, but I'm not dead." She gave me an
innocent look. "You may be happily
married to an 'eleven', but I'm still single, you know," she said, jabbing the
air with her reading glasses as she spoke.
Then, changing the subject, she
slipped her glasses off and put them away, asking, "So, how's Jamie?"
Shaking my head at my mother's
never-failing lasciviousness, I said, "He's doing great. I told you he's interning at the school's
photo lab this semester, right?" Seeing
Mother nod, I continued, "Well, apparently his professor is very impressed with
his work, and they've offered him an assistantship to cover his expenses next
year."
"Oh, Amanda, that's wonderful. I'm so happy for him; he has such a love for
photography." Mother beamed.
"Yeah, he's been hooked ever since
Lee gave him his first camera," I replied, fondly remembering how Lee and Jamie
had finally found common ground with that camera.
Mother brought me back to the
present as she said, "So, let's decide where we're going to shop. There's this darling new store I'd love to
go in . . . "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walking into the house, I tossed
my purse onto the hall table and kicked off my shoes. Shopping with Mother was always an exhausting experience. I was actually glad Lee would be working
late -- I was much too tired to worry about dinner.
I wandered into the kitchen,
intent on a glass of wine. I planned on
going into the den and resting my sore feet, maybe watching a little mindless
television, or reading some more of that novel I'd started. Pausing near the answering machine, I
noticed the blinking light. I pushed
the play button.
"Hi, Amanda. It's me. I may be working even later than I'd thought. Call me on my cell phone if you need me. Bye -- I love you."
"Call now! Dial 1-800-555-2121 to hear our exciting --"
I stopped the message with an annoyed push of the delete button.
"Mrs. Stetson. This is Dr. Granger's office. We have some preliminary test results for
you. Please call us when you get
in. 555-3782."
I replayed the last message a
second time. The way the voice said
'preliminary test results' gave me pause. Deciding to forgo the wine for now, I wet my suddenly dry lips with my
tongue and sat heavily on the kitchen stool. Picking up the phone, I dialed the number.
"Hello, Dr. Granger's office. May I help you?" the familiar voice asked.
"Yes, this is Amanda Stetson. I'm calling for some test results," I said,
twisting my wedding band around my finger.
"The doctor's expecting your call,
Mrs. Stetson. Hold on while I transfer
you."
The typical Muzac played over the
phone line, doing nothing to quell the staccato rhythm of my heart.
"Mrs. Stetson?" Dr. Granger's voice
asked.
"Yes, this is she," I said,
wishing I'd gone ahead and poured that glass of wine.
"I don't want you to worry, but we
found something on one of your films from this morning." Her voice was clipped
and formal, all business.
"What?" I asked, swallowing past
the dryness in my mouth. "What did you
find?"
"Just a small dark area in your
right breast, Mrs. Stetson. It may be
nothing. What we need to do is have you
come in for some additional tests."
"Oh . . . okay. When do you want me to come in?" The squeak in my voice reverberated in my
ears.
"How about tomorrow afternoon,
three o'clock?"
"Okay. I'll be there. Thank you,
Doctor," I said, trying to sound as business-like as she had.
"See you then, Mrs. Stetson. And don't worry. It may be nothing. Goodbye."
"Goodbye." As the click from the other phone
disconnecting sounded in my ear, I moved to hang up, the shaking of my hand as
I put the receiver in the cradle catching me off guard.
I decided to have that glass of
wine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Amanda, I'm home." Lee's voice carried through the house as he
shut the front door. "Amanda?"
"In here, Lee," I said, my voice
sounding tight.
"You wouldn't believe the day I've
had," he said as he set his briefcase down, walking over to give me a kiss on
the cheek. "Dr. Smyth must've gone over
the plans for the training facility a dozen times. I thought I was never gonna get outta there," he paused, looking
over at me as I sat stiffly on the couch. "Amanda, is something wrong?"
I looked up at him and tried to
smile, but knew I was failing utterly. "Well, Lee, you remember I had a doctor's appointment this morning?"
He sat next to me, reaching for my
hands as he said, "Yeah, but you said it was just a check-up."
"Well, it was. I go for a mammogram every two years like
clockwork. That's where I went this
morning, and, well . . . Lee, they found a dark spot on one of the films," I
blurted, afraid if I stopped I wouldn't get the words out.
"Oh, my God, Amanda." The worried look in his eyes made me want to
comfort him. I was suddenly less
afraid, knowing I needed to be brave for his sake.
"Lee, it's probably nothing. The doctor wants me to come in for more
tests, that's all," I said, trying to sound as confident as my words implied.
"When . . . when do you go back?"
he asked, squeezing my hands so tightly that my wedding ring dug painfully into
my fingers.
"Tomorrow afternoon."
"I'll take the afternoon
off." As I began to argue, he quickly
continued, "No, Amanda. I wanna do
this. I'm sure it's nothing to worry
about, but I want to be with you."
"Okay, Lee, if you really want
to. But I don't think it's necessary,
it's just --"
He interrupted me with a fierce
hug and whispered into my hair, "I love you, Amanda."
"I love you, too, Lee."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The doctor's office was cheery,
decorated with brightly colored floral prints and an abundance of family
photographs. We both sat quietly in the
upholstered chairs that faced the desk, the only sound in the room coming from
the softly ticking wall clock.
There was a presence of hope in
the room. The spot on the film may have
been an error, a processing fluke, a mistake. I held tightly to that hope, gathering it to me like a security blanket.
The door opened and the doctor
walked in. She greeted us with a smile
and removed her lab coat, hanging it on the back of the door. She then moved to the chair behind her desk
and sat down, placing the folder she carried onto the desk blotter.
"Well, Amanda, Mr. Stetson," she
began, peering over her glasses. "I
have the second film . . . The spot is still there."
There was silence for a moment,
then I asked, "What does that mean, Dr. Granger? What do we do next?" My
husband increased his pressure on my hand.
"What that means, Amanda, is
there's a small mass in your right breast, and we need to find out what it
is. A biopsy is the next step. It's a very simple procedure -- we do it on
an outpatient basis with a local anesthetic. It will cause you only minor discomfort," the doctor said, kindness in
her eyes as they met the concern in mine.
"Dr. Granger, how long will it
take to get the results from the biopsy?" Lee asked, an edge of unease in his
voice.
"Less than a week, once the biopsy
is done. We'll schedule the procedure
as soon as possible. But, Amanda, Mr.
Stetson, it could be any number of things, so let's not worry until we know
what we're dealing with, okay?" she suggested as she stood up, indicating our
session was over.
"Thank you, Doctor," I said as Lee
and I stood to leave, our hands still joined.
"Stop at the appointment desk on
your way out, Amanda," she said as she opened the door, ushering us back out to
the hallway, back into uneasiness and uncertainty as the hope I still held onto
grew smaller.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
