Chapter 1

Chapter 1

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. . . from this day forward

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I woke to the sounds of early morning -- birds singing, the newspaper hitting the front stoop, commuters' cars traveling down the street. I snuggled further under the covers, relishing the cool breeze entering through the slightly open window. The comfortable weight of my husband sleeping next to me offered the security of routine, a routine born of ten years of marriage.

Ten years -- it seemed almost inconceivable. Lee's soft snores drifted across the bed, drawing forth a remembrance of the first time I'd woken to the sound of those snores. Hazy recollections, softened by the passage of time and filtered by the intervening years, came to me. Memories of our wedding night, memories that caused me to grin like a schoolgirl.

As my mind drifted back to the present, I quickly put aside the schoolgirl grin. Nights like the previous one always made me realize how very much a woman I was. The feelings he induced when we made love brought to the fore a sensuality grown more potent over the years -- a sensuality of love, commitment, and maturity.

I rolled over and spooned myself against his warm, sleep-laden body. How I loved waking next to this man, this husband of mine. I smiled as I recalled how our imprudent 'mystery marriage' had come to an abrupt halt after a mere six months. That was as long as we'd been able to stand not waking up in the same bed together.

I felt the change in Lee's breathing as he shifted into wakefulness. "Good morning, Mr. Stetson," I murmured into the back of his neck.

"Good morning, Mrs. Stetson," he mumbled, rolling over to face me. "How'd you sleep?"

"Wonderfully," I responded as he pulled me closer. "I had the most incredible dream."

"Oh?" he asked in the familiarity of a morning routine we'd shared many times over the years.

"Yep," I offered as I leaned in and kissed him lightly on the lips. I twirled the wedding band on my finger as I said, "There was this dashing older man, a candlelit dinner --"

"Older?" he interrupted as his hazel eyes drilled into mine.

"Well, it has been ten years," I teased, trying not to smile at the slightly disconcerted look on his face.

"Older, huh? I'll show you older, Mrs. Stetson." He abruptly rolled me to my back and looked down at me. The love and passion I saw in his eyes, grown stronger over the years, caused my heart to leap. His strong arms supported his trim, muscular figure as he loomed over me -- a slight softening at his belt line and a graying at his temples the only signs of aging his body displayed.

"Well, maybe not that old," I gasped before his demanding mouth covered mine.

As his tongue teased my lips, I eagerly opened my mouth to accept him. Shivers coursed through me as our kiss deepened, serving to heighten the feel of his fingers as they caressed my body. The rhythm of his movements, the demands of his mouth, the touch of his hands -- all served to consume me, to draw me into that heightened state of awareness that only two lovers can find.

We joined together with practiced ease, the fluency of our dance having been perfected over the years. Our bodies moved as one -- expressing our commitment, our love, our passion -- until, intertwined and spent, we collapsed together in breathless surrender.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So, what's on the agenda for your day off?" Lee asked over the top of the newspaper as he sipped his morning coffee.

"Well, I've got an early doctor's appointment, just a check-up, and a lunch date with Mother; then we're going shopping. Would you like to join us?" I asked playfully.

"Shopping with the West women?" he asked with an exaggerated shudder. "No thanks. I think I'll stick to outsmarting international spy rings; it's less stressful."

"Chicken," I said, swatting his arm with a section of the newspaper. "What time will you be home tonight?"

"Well, I've got to meet with Francine's team about the Chen case. Then there's a briefing with some of the new recruits. I'm also supposed to meet with Dr. Smyth about some possible restructuring of our training facilities," he said with a sigh.

"Busy day, huh? That's okay. We can have a light dinner whenever you get home," I replied as I finished putting my breakfast dishes into the dishwasher.

"I still wonder how Billy managed all those years," he said, a rueful smile on his face. "Being Section Chief is more demanding than being an undercover operative ever was; that's for sure."

I walked behind his chair and leaned down, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and kissing his cheek. "He's very proud of how you've taken over his responsibilities. So am I."

I could feel the reverberation of his deep chuckle through my arms. "Well, you're biased, Mrs. Stetson."

"Me, biased? Just because I sleep with the boss -- why would that make me biased?" I retorted, my smile widening.

He stood suddenly and pulled me into his embrace. After a kiss that curled my toes, he finally released me and said, "I'd better go now, or I'm never gonna get to work. You've already been enough of a distraction this morning." Then, with a wink, he grabbed his briefcase and headed out the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Good to see you, Mrs. Stetson," the nurse said as she escorted me to the exam room. "I see it's been two years since your last mammogram. Have you had any problems in the meantime?"

"No, no problems."

"Good to hear. Okay, slip out of your clothes and put this on, and I'll be right back," the nurse said as she handed me a gown and closed the door behind her.

I removed my clothing, shivering as I put on the paper-thin gown. 'Why is it these rooms are always so cold?' I wondered as goosebumps covered my skin.

The nurse returned and led me to the room with the equipment -- the impersonal, rigid, coldly diagnostic equipment. The technician was competent and professional, and the hard press of metal on my sensitive flesh, though uncomfortable, was familiar. I knew the routine and the discomfort never lasted long.

Mother had always insisted that our family take good care of our health, and her insistence had rubbed off on me over the years. Ruefully, I remembered how difficult it had been, at first, to get Lee into the family routine of regular check-ups. He'd been unable to resist for long, though, and he was now almost as adamant about health care as the rest of us.

"There we are, all done," the technician said, interrupting my musings as the pressure finally eased. "You can get dressed now, Mrs. Stetson. We'll send the results to your doctor's office and she'll get in touch with you."

"Okay, thanks," I replied as I headed back to the exam room to change.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It sure is good to see you, Mother," I said as I kissed her cheek.

"You're looking well, dear. How's Lee?" she asked as she sat down at the small, outdoor table where we'd been seated.

"Oh, he's fine. Busy as usual. He has to meet with his boss this afternoon, not one of his favorite pastimes," I said with a smile. "How's Lillian?" I asked as I picked up the luncheon menu.

"Oh, she's great. It's hard to believe she's turning 75 this year. She's still as spry as she's ever been," she offered, chuckling.

"Funny, she reminds me of someone else I know," I said, chuckling in return. The two sisters had discovered a deep friendship after moving in together five years before. Just hearing about their busy social schedule left me exhausted.

With a look indicating she wasn't going to dignify my last remark with a response, Mother perused her menu and asked, "Have you heard from the boys?"

"Well, Phillip's still in newlywed heaven -- all he ever talks about is Lisa." I smiled. "They seem to be doing well. They're even talking about buying a house, can you believe it?"

"Young people do buy houses much sooner, these days. Let's just hope they wait a while to start a family." Mother sipped her water as she looked at me over the top of her reading glasses.

"I just hope they know what a huge commitment a mortgage is. Especially since Lisa wants to go to grad school. What are you having, Mother?" I asked, noticing the waiter had stopped at our table.

"What can I get for you lovely ladies this fine afternoon?" the young man asked, his pen poised over his order book.

"I think I'll have the chicken salad. Something light sounds wonderful. Oh, and an iced tea, extra lemon," she said, looking expectantly at me.

"I'll have the same," I said as I handed the waiter our menus.

"Excellent choice. I'll be right back with your tea." As the young man walked away, Mother's eyes closely followed his athletic figure.

"Mother!" I said, trying hard not to laugh.

"What? Amanda, I may be getting older, but I'm not dead." She gave me an innocent look. "You may be happily married to an 'eleven', but I'm still single, you know," she said, jabbing the air with her reading glasses as she spoke.

Then, changing the subject, she slipped her glasses off and put them away, asking, "So, how's Jamie?"

Shaking my head at my mother's never-failing lasciviousness, I said, "He's doing great. I told you he's interning at the school's photo lab this semester, right?" Seeing Mother nod, I continued, "Well, apparently his professor is very impressed with his work, and they've offered him an assistantship to cover his expenses next year."

"Oh, Amanda, that's wonderful. I'm so happy for him; he has such a love for photography." Mother beamed.

"Yeah, he's been hooked ever since Lee gave him his first camera," I replied, fondly remembering how Lee and Jamie had finally found common ground with that camera.

Mother brought me back to the present as she said, "So, let's decide where we're going to shop. There's this darling new store I'd love to go in . . . "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the house, I tossed my purse onto the hall table and kicked off my shoes. Shopping with Mother was always an exhausting experience. I was actually glad Lee would be working late -- I was much too tired to worry about dinner.

I wandered into the kitchen, intent on a glass of wine. I planned on going into the den and resting my sore feet, maybe watching a little mindless television, or reading some more of that novel I'd started. Pausing near the answering machine, I noticed the blinking light. I pushed the play button.

"Hi, Amanda. It's me. I may be working even later than I'd thought. Call me on my cell phone if you need me. Bye -- I love you."

"Call now! Dial 1-800-555-2121 to hear our exciting --" I stopped the message with an annoyed push of the delete button.

"Mrs. Stetson. This is Dr. Granger's office. We have some preliminary test results for you. Please call us when you get in. 555-3782."

I replayed the last message a second time. The way the voice said 'preliminary test results' gave me pause. Deciding to forgo the wine for now, I wet my suddenly dry lips with my tongue and sat heavily on the kitchen stool. Picking up the phone, I dialed the number.

"Hello, Dr. Granger's office. May I help you?" the familiar voice asked.

"Yes, this is Amanda Stetson. I'm calling for some test results," I said, twisting my wedding band around my finger.

"The doctor's expecting your call, Mrs. Stetson. Hold on while I transfer you."

The typical Muzac played over the phone line, doing nothing to quell the staccato rhythm of my heart.

"Mrs. Stetson?" Dr. Granger's voice asked.

"Yes, this is she," I said, wishing I'd gone ahead and poured that glass of wine.

"I don't want you to worry, but we found something on one of your films from this morning." Her voice was clipped and formal, all business.

"What?" I asked, swallowing past the dryness in my mouth. "What did you find?"

"Just a small dark area in your right breast, Mrs. Stetson. It may be nothing. What we need to do is have you come in for some additional tests."

"Oh . . . okay. When do you want me to come in?" The squeak in my voice reverberated in my ears.

"How about tomorrow afternoon, three o'clock?"

"Okay. I'll be there. Thank you, Doctor," I said, trying to sound as business-like as she had.

"See you then, Mrs. Stetson. And don't worry. It may be nothing. Goodbye."

"Goodbye." As the click from the other phone disconnecting sounded in my ear, I moved to hang up, the shaking of my hand as I put the receiver in the cradle catching me off guard.

I decided to have that glass of wine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Amanda, I'm home." Lee's voice carried through the house as he shut the front door. "Amanda?"

"In here, Lee," I said, my voice sounding tight.

"You wouldn't believe the day I've had," he said as he set his briefcase down, walking over to give me a kiss on the cheek. "Dr. Smyth must've gone over the plans for the training facility a dozen times. I thought I was never gonna get outta there," he paused, looking over at me as I sat stiffly on the couch. "Amanda, is something wrong?"

I looked up at him and tried to smile, but knew I was failing utterly. "Well, Lee, you remember I had a doctor's appointment this morning?"

He sat next to me, reaching for my hands as he said, "Yeah, but you said it was just a check-up."

"Well, it was. I go for a mammogram every two years like clockwork. That's where I went this morning, and, well . . . Lee, they found a dark spot on one of the films," I blurted, afraid if I stopped I wouldn't get the words out.

"Oh, my God, Amanda." The worried look in his eyes made me want to comfort him. I was suddenly less afraid, knowing I needed to be brave for his sake.

"Lee, it's probably nothing. The doctor wants me to come in for more tests, that's all," I said, trying to sound as confident as my words implied.

"When . . . when do you go back?" he asked, squeezing my hands so tightly that my wedding ring dug painfully into my fingers.

"Tomorrow afternoon."

"I'll take the afternoon off." As I began to argue, he quickly continued, "No, Amanda. I wanna do this. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about, but I want to be with you."

"Okay, Lee, if you really want to. But I don't think it's necessary, it's just --"

He interrupted me with a fierce hug and whispered into my hair, "I love you, Amanda."

"I love you, too, Lee."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The doctor's office was cheery, decorated with brightly colored floral prints and an abundance of family photographs. We both sat quietly in the upholstered chairs that faced the desk, the only sound in the room coming from the softly ticking wall clock.

There was a presence of hope in the room. The spot on the film may have been an error, a processing fluke, a mistake. I held tightly to that hope, gathering it to me like a security blanket.

The door opened and the doctor walked in. She greeted us with a smile and removed her lab coat, hanging it on the back of the door. She then moved to the chair behind her desk and sat down, placing the folder she carried onto the desk blotter.

"Well, Amanda, Mr. Stetson," she began, peering over her glasses. "I have the second film . . . The spot is still there."

There was silence for a moment, then I asked, "What does that mean, Dr. Granger? What do we do next?" My husband increased his pressure on my hand.

"What that means, Amanda, is there's a small mass in your right breast, and we need to find out what it is. A biopsy is the next step. It's a very simple procedure -- we do it on an outpatient basis with a local anesthetic. It will cause you only minor discomfort," the doctor said, kindness in her eyes as they met the concern in mine.

"Dr. Granger, how long will it take to get the results from the biopsy?" Lee asked, an edge of unease in his voice.

"Less than a week, once the biopsy is done. We'll schedule the procedure as soon as possible. But, Amanda, Mr. Stetson, it could be any number of things, so let's not worry until we know what we're dealing with, okay?" she suggested as she stood up, indicating our session was over.

"Thank you, Doctor," I said as Lee and I stood to leave, our hands still joined.

"Stop at the appointment desk on your way out, Amanda," she said as she opened the door, ushering us back out to the hallway, back into uneasiness and uncertainty as the hope I still held onto grew smaller.

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