Chapter 4

Chapter 4

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. . . to love and to cherish

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I woke, suddenly, as a bright flash of lightning invaded the darkness. It had threatened to storm all evening, the sky finally succumbing in the early morning hours. As I lay there, my heart pounding, I realized I'd been startled out of my dream, the dream I'd had every night since my surgery.

But this time it was different. I'd been running to catch the tide when I'd seen something in the sand, something bright and shiny. Curious, I'd bent down to pick it up, only to discover it was my wedding ring. Just as I was about to grasp it, the tide had swept it away. I'd run after it, to no avail.

I felt my finger; the finger where I'd kept my ring every day for the last ten years -- every day until my surgery, that is. Since then it'd resided in my jewelry box, hidden away as determinedly as I'd hidden away my feelings, both too painful to deal with.

An abrupt crash of thunder startled me with its intensity and I instinctively reached for Lee, only to remember that he'd slept in the guest room again. As I lay there, alone, I remembered Mother's words, words about not giving up, words about not loving myself. The realization came to me then, as suddenly as the thunder, exactly what I'd been doing.

I'd been keeping everyone at arm's length -- Lee, Mother, my friends -- pushing them away, rejecting them before they had a chance to reject me. My self-loathing, my anger that my body had betrayed me, my disgust at what my body had become -- I'd projected all those emotions onto everyone else, onto everyone I was close to, but especially onto Lee, afraid that he'd not want me, not love me in the same way. 'Oh, Lee, what have I been doing to you, to us?'

I swung my legs out of bed, knowing what I needed to do. Opening my jewelry box I pulled out my wedding band and slipped it onto my finger, fitting it back into the slight indentation where it'd resided for so long. Then, lightning illuminating my way, I padded down the hall to the guest room.

His slight snores greeted me as I entered the room and stood by the bed, a bittersweet smile settling on my face. Tentatively, my hand shaking slightly, I reached out and caressed his cheek, feeling the slight roughness of his whiskers. "Lee?" I whispered, surprised at the tremor in my voice.

"Amanda?" he asked, his eyes fluttering open. "Is something wrong? Do you feel okay? Can I get you something?" He started to raise himself up on one elbow.

Wordlessly, I put a hand on his shoulder to keep him from getting up, pulled back the covers, and climbed into bed next to him. I spooned myself against his body and placed his arms around me, pulling him close.

I felt a shudder run through his body and heard a sob tear from his throat as he said, "Oh, Amanda. I've been so afraid, afraid of losing you, afraid of --"

"Shh, Lee. I love you. I'm sorry I've been so stupid. Just hold me, okay?" I asked as my tears finally came, tears I'd been holding back, tears I hadn't shed since coming home from the hospital.

"I love you, Amanda, more than you can possibly know," he whispered, his tears wetting the back of my neck.

I turned to face him, tasting the salt of his tears as I kissed him softly on the lips. His lips caressed mine with loving tenderness and sweet longing. As I deepened the kiss, I could feel the emotions I'd buried deep within myself finally breaking through, finding release in the strong, loving arms of my husband.

Our lovemaking was slow and gentle, reminiscent of our very first time. We explored each other, rediscovering our bodies as the barriers I'd erected crumbled around us. The pleasure we released held it all -- the friendship we'd found, the love we'd discovered, the marriage we'd built, and the future we would create, together.

Outside the rain fell, hard and furious, as we lay together, the storm achieving its own release as we, melded together as one, finally achieved ours.

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