Notes: From "Falling (part I): Up in the Air":
Josh's
plane was reported missing the night of President Bartlet's second Inauguration.
Josh was supposed to escort Donna to the inaugural ball to make up for
sabotaging her date. The NTSB had just reported locating a probable crash
site.
Crash site.
Donna heard Toby say the words and
felt like she was sinking through the floor. She could hear a ringing in
her ears as the words echoed in the room. Everyone stood still as statues,
locked in some cosmic trance. Donna was the first to break free.
"What else?" Donna asked.
"Nothing," Toby said. "That's really
all I have."
Leo entered holding up his phone and
asked Toby if he had just gotten a message about the finding. Toby nodded.
"Is there a chance that it's not..."
Donna began.
"Yes," Sam said instantly, ever hopeful.
"There's a chance. Toby, there's a chance, right?"
"Sure," he said glibly. "In a perfect
world, there would be a chance. But no other craft is missing and the site
is along a generally logical flight path from the airport to so I'd say
the chances were between slim and none."
"Toby!" Leo stopped him with a growl.
"Look, Leo, I'm just being realistic,"
Toby said. "I'm not enjoying this, and I don't see a reason to waste our
time with probabilities that are unlikely. Why did he have to be so stupid?!"
"He's not stupid," Sam said. "This
is not Josh's fault."
"Well, indirectly it is," Toby said
petulantly. "I can be mad at him, Sam. Don't tell me I can't. This was
an absolute waste."
"We all live on borrowed time," President
Bartlet said sweeping into the room.
"What was that, sir?" Leo asked.
"We all live on borrowed time," he
repeated solemnly. "Josh said that to me once during the first campaign.
We were discussing the serendipity of some people surviving starvation
in some countries or civil wars in others. He surprised me with his response.
It wasn't sarcastic for once. It was... enlightening. He said we all live
on borrowed time because, despite what the Declaration of Independence
claims, there really is nothing that insures anyone gets to live beyond
the first breath he or she ever draws. The truth is that the moment you
start your life is the first step toward it's end. I thought that was obscenely
depressing and told him so, but I also thought it was insightful in a way
I might never have discovered on my own."
"He learned that when he was a child,"
Donna said listlessly.
"Yes, I suppose he did," the President
nodded sagely. "An amazing thing about our Josh, he knew that horrible
truth almost from the start and still allowed himself to dream he might
be able to do something to make this world better. I find it more inspiring
since I know he learned the essence of life's ugliest lesson before he
learned it was a cliché."
"Life's not fair," Toby offered solemnly.
"Precisely," the President said. "But
I prefer to pose it differently. Life is full of surprises. In my experience,
I have learned that Josh is full of surprises, too. He may still be. This
room feels like a wake in progress. I'd like to remind you all that we
don't know any more facts now that we did an hour ago. I would suggest..."
He stopped mid-sentence as Toby's phone
chirped.
"Yes," Toby answered instantly. "Uh
huh.... Okay..... Yes.... Are you certain?"
Donna's heart hammered in her chest.
Her body tingled, and there was a ringing in her ears as she watched Toby.
He pinched his eyebrows then looked at the staff and merely nodded silently.
He continued speaking for several more seconds, making requests.
"I'm going out there," Sam said instantly.
"Wait," Leo barked.
Toby disconnected then took a deep
breath. He redialed the phone and sighed heavily as he spoke four heart-wrenching
words.
"Yeah, it's Toby," he said then paused.
"Thanks."
He closed his phone then summoned the
strength to lift his head. When he spoke again, it was in a strained and
low voice.
"Krammer at NTSB confirms a downed
craft about 20 miles outside Carterville," he said. "There is a lot of
wreckage strewn over a wide area. There has been no formal identification
of the craft, but a cursory investigation indicates it is the same model
as the one owned by Fred Drummer."
"Anything else?" Leo asked.
"Yeah," he said painfully. "In the
debris field, Krammer discovered a bag that contained among other things
a cellphone. I just dialed Josh's. Krammer answered."
"Oh God," CJ said placing her face
in her hands. "So they're sure..."
"They just arrived," Toby said. "They
found the bag almost right off. The rest of the wreckage is very broken
up and not all of it has been located. There is no report yet of... casualties."
"I'm going," Sam said again.
"Stay put, Sam," Leo said. "We'll get
you out there when we need to. Let NTSB do their job."
The air pressure in the room was oppressive.
Donna could no longer take it. She stood abruptly and walked out the door.
Sam called after her emphatically.
"Donna!"
"I need to be alone, Sam," she called
over her shoulder.
Donna elbowed her way politely but
hurriedly across the dance floor and out into the hall. It took forever
before she was able to clear a path. She passed people and caught snatches
of conversation. The news was spreading, but that did not seem to dampen
the mood. The thought that some might be glad Josh was not there brought
a sour taste into Donna's mouth.
She needed air. Once free of the ballroom,
she hurried down the hall and made her way to the terrace. The snow had
stopped and the wind died down. She looked toward the sky and stared until
the rest of the world melted away.
The stars shown clearly. It was a perfect,
calm night. She felt the cold on her alabaster skin but knew her trembles
had nothing to do with the temperature.
She stood alone in the chilly air,
waiting for the pain. It was lurking deep inside, she knew.
She placed her hands on the smooth,
marble railing that surrounded the terrace. It was hard and cold like ice.
Her hands felt fiercely hot as she pressed them to its polished surface.
She took deep breaths, one after the other, watching the freezing plumes,
like lost souls vanishing into the night.
The minutes ticked by as the realization
settled in. She pictured him, standing at her desk, forging the sweet yet
idiotic contract. She opened her hands and realized she had dropped it
somewhere.
She had lost it; her final communication
with Josh; the sole momento of their last moment together--the last moment
when she was certain her life made sense.
It was then the pain hit, stabbing
through her and shredding her soul.
No! she thought as the lump
in her throat nearly choked her as she looked toward heaven. I can't
lose him!
Dear God, I won't know how I'll
live without him. Yes, he's arrogant and caustic and occasionally insensitive.
But he is also brilliant, kind and caring.
He's a good, decent man. He has
so much more to do. This world is a better place for what he has done and
will only benefit more from him. You have to give him back. You have to.
He has so much left to do. He has friends who care for him and...
Oh God, I can't make it, I won't
survive if he's gone. Take me, too.
I never got a chance to tell him
that I love him. I do.
For all his quirks and with all
my heart, I do. I do. I do.
"I do," she whispered as the hot sting
of tears bit at her eyes.
"Okay, let me start by saying: you
are in breech of contract," said the voice behind her.
Her heart leapt into her throat and
she spun around
"Josh!" Donna gasped. She turned so
abruptly on her heels that she lost her balance.
"Whoa!" Josh exclaimed as he stepped
forward and caught her in his arms. "Well, that was very graceful, Donna."
"Oh God, Josh!" she shouted and threw
her arms around his neck. "You're all right. You're here, and you're all
right! Thank God!"
"Uh huh, but let's get one thing straight,"
he said hesitantly as he held her close. "The deal was that I would pick
you up."
Her heart was fluttering and found
herself laughing silently as she assured herself that he was in fact there.
She could see him; she could hear him; she could feel him. She felt lightheaded
and giddy, as though she'd drunk too much champagne.
"I said I wouldn't forget, but if you
read the contract, you'd see that I never did give you a specific time,"
he continued. "I suggested one, but we never ratified it in writing.
So, when you left without me, you breached the implicit part of the agreement
that you would be there to be picked up. So, you see, you can't be mad
at me."
"I can't?" she said finding her voice
again.
"Technically speaking, no," he replied.
She wanted to argue but could not find
the words. Instead, she held on to him tightly and said a silent, gushing
prayer of thanks. Her knees felt weak and her body trembled.
"I thought...," she said as her throat
grew tight again.
"I know," he said softly, rocking her
gently in his arms. "I'm sorry I put everyone through this. When I walked
in, Toby nearly had a heart attack. Leo told me what happened. I've been
looking for you ever since."
"They said the plane went down," she
said in a shaky voice.
"It did," he said, gingerly stroking
the nape of her neck. "But I didn't get on the plane, Donna. I was about
to go with Fred; he already had all my stuff on board. But I told Leo I'd
fix this thing. So at the last second, I finagled a ride with Sen. Hannah.
I spent four and a half hours in his car trying to sway his opinion while
we drove back here. Fred took off alone. I just got back into town an hour
ago. I got here as soon as I could. I had no clue anything went wrong.
If I did, I would have called. Fred was gonna let Leo know I changed plans
so I didn't bother."
"Did he make it?
"I don't know," Josh said. "I know
less than the rest of you."
"As usual," Donna said, finally able
to breath again. She disentangled herself from the embrace.
"Donna, it's freezing out here," he
said. "You should come inside."
"No, not yet," she said. "I need a
minute. You can go if you like."
"Nah," he said, taking off his jacket
and draping it over her shoulders. He then leaned against the marble railing
ringing the terrace. "You know, I think there were a couple people in there
who were not happy to see me."
"They're probably Republicans," she
said.
"When did CJ and Toby become Republicans?"
Josh said.
Donna said nothing. She bowed her head
and took a deep breath as she felt hot, prickly tears blister in her eyes
then cascade down her cheeks. After a moment, she could feel Josh's eyes
on her. She blinked cautiously to clear her vision and looked at him.
His face held that thoughtful expression,
the one he hid so well so often. She only saw it rarely, but she adored
it so much. She knew if she said anything in that moment he would not hear
it; he was lost in some inner thought that brought peace into his chaotic
world. In a second, she knew he would catch himself doing it. He would
slowly look away with a slight curl on his lips, and the moment would pass.
She lingered, savoring the moment, waiting for it to fade.
"Let me guess," he said softly, placing
his finger tips on her chin and brushing back her tears. "You're crying
because you know it's official. You'll have to endure four more years of
my shouting."
She knew he had tried to be flippant,
but he had not put the right inflection in his voice. It betrayed the look
in his eyes. Normally, she resisted the prickle of such moments. She knew
she should look away, make an extraneous comment about world history or
something generally innocuous to dispel the feelings welling inside her.
She felt drawn to him more than ever and fought the urge as much as she
could. Still, she found herself before him, just inches separating their
faces.
She suddenly felt awkward. Her face
felt hot and a different kind of shiver wriggled through her body.
"Your tie is screwed up," she said
finding the courage to break the tension.
She pulled on the ends and started
remaking the bow. She could not meet his eyes. She was surprised when he
grabbed her hand and stopped her efforts.
"Uh, we should go inside now," he said
nervously as he swallowed hard.
She shook her head.
"No, I need some space," she said.
"Yeah. okay," he said. He nodded
curtly before departing as swiftly as he had appeared.
Donna took a deep breath. She felt
foolish. Normally, she hid her feelings better than that. No, not hid,
she corrected herself; she controlled them. Impulse control. She was always
needling Josh about his deficiency in that area, yet part of her wished
he would...
No, she decided, what she was
feeling was merely relief. Josh had consoled her as a good friend and nothing
more. He came looking for not because he desperately wanted her to know
he was alive, but out of decency and curtesy and respect for a colleague.
She knew that in a vulnerable moment like this, she was apt to read more
into his words and actions. She also knew that to expect anything more
of Josh would be both foolish and grossly selfish. She was satisfied that
he was safe; nothing more in the world mattered.
She calmed herself. As she relaxed,
she realized she was tired in a way she hadn't noticed until that second.
She again looked toward the stars and whispered a frosty thank you into
the ether.
She wrapped her arms around herself
to ward off the chill. She then realized she was still wearing his jacket.
She inhaled the scent of him. It made her shiver but in a pleasing way.
She felt the tension in her stomach uncoil. She sighed contentedly to realize
that she would be in the office in the morning, not getting Josh coffee
but listening to him grouse about the fact. Maybe he would get into another
spat with a member of Congress, and she would hear the intricate details
of why it was a bad idea but still the right thing to do. She was smiling
at the thought when he startled her again.
"Donna," Josh said sternly.
"Josh?" she asked turning around.
He stood before her, his tie still
askew and with his hands in his pockets. There was an intent expression
on his face.
"You didn't ask me," he said sounding
defensive.
"Ask you what?"
"If I fixed it," he remarked. "You
never asked me if I fixed it."
"Did you?"
"Yes, don't I always," he said roughly.
"But that's not the point. You didn't ask. I told you I spent half the
night trying to convince Senator Hannah, but you..."
"I didn't ask you," she offered.
"Yes," he responded awkwardly. "I thought
that was... I mean, we usually... That is you.... Well, you didn't ask.
That's all. That's what I wanted to say."
"You realize that you are missing the
party, the one you insist is given due in great part to your efforts..."
"Extraordinary efforts," he said.
"Sure, whatever," she said. "You're
missing what's left of the Inaugural Ball because I didn't ask you..."
"If I fixed it," he said nodding. "Yes.
I just thought... Well, you see, you're out here alone and... Well, you
didn't...."
"I didn't ask," she said again.
"Exactly."
"Is that all?"
"Yes, no," he said. "I... uh... I forgot
to say I was sorry. I said I would take you. I mean, I said I would bring
you to this thing."
"It's all right," she said. "I understand.
You're a complex man, Josh."
"I have issues," he shrugged as he
riveted his eyes to the ground. "I also forgot to say you looked... very
nice."
"Thank..."
"No, not very nice," he said looking
up suddenly.
"I don't look very nice," she repeated.
"No," he said. "I mean, yes, but I
can think of better words than very nice. Sam doesn't have a lock
on language. I did score 760 on the verbal portion of my SAT's."
"But the basic gist of what you're
going for is that I look very nice."
"Yeah, but not those words."
"Got it," she said. "Thank you. I did
my best. I spent an hour on my hair. Very European, don't you think?"
"I don't like it," he said. "I mean,
for something like the Inaugural Ball it's fine. It's really very... uh.."
"Nice?" she offered.
"Yeah, but it's better, you know,"
he said, gently removing the clip that held the strands loosely in place.
Her hair spilled over her shoulders. "That's, you know...."
"Better," she said.
"Yeah."
"Josh," she said. "I..."
"It's late," he said.
"Yeah," she said. "Long day."
"Tell me about it," he said. "Not only
did I fix things with Senator Hannah, but apparently I rose from the dead,
too. That's gotta be worth, what, at least a day off, huh?"
"At least," she agreed. "So, do I get
that day off you promised?"
"Tomorrow?" he asked incredulously.
"Are you kidding me? Donna, you've got to help me get prepped for this
thing with Senator Hannah."
"What thing?"
"The thing with Senator Hannah," he
said. "I told you. I fixed it."
"Right," she said trying to keep the
disappointment from her voice. "So tomorrow, we work on that."
She wasn't sure if it was the loss
of a day off or the fact the conversation was back on the firm ground of
business that caused her spirit to sink. Always so close but never close
enough, she thought.
"Yeah," he said. "It's... well, it's
complicated. It'll be extra work, but it could really be big. We'll discuss
it in the morning."
"It is morning, Josh," she reminded
him. "Technically, it has been for half an hour."
"Not real morning," he argued.
"It's after midnight," she pointed
out. "That's makes it morning."
"I know it's after midnight," he said.
"I know when morning begins, but I meant morning morning."
"Morning morning?" she repeated. "Not
nighttime morning?"
"Yeah," he said. "You know, with sun.
Like when we're in the office."
"Right," she sighed. "The office. Business.
The business of..."
"Of running the country, Donna," he
said loftily. "It's important. The most important thing most of us will
ever do."
"Got it," she said dejected as turned
around as he started to leave again. "I am well versed in the Joshua Lyman
credo: Democracy, duty and obligation take precedent over life, love and
the pursuit of happiness."
Her words were sharper than she intended.
She held her breath and waited for a reaction. Josh stopped abruptly and
snapped his fingers. He returned to her side and pointed at her.
"Stunning," he said.
"What?"
"One of the words I was looking for,"
Josh said, turning back to her.
He looked full into her eyes and brushed
a strand of hair from her face.
"I should have said stunning," he spoke
softly. "When I meant very nice, but not those words."
"Oh," she said. She felt her cheeks
grow warm. "Thank you."
"Donna, you didn't ask me because...,"
he said.
"Because you always fix it, Josh,"
she replied quickly. "I had confidence in that."
"You doubted me," he said, sounding
hurt. "You didn't think I was coming back."
"We were scared," she agreed.
"I wouldn't leave you without saying
good-bye," he said, running the back of his fingers along her jaw line.
She drew closer to him. The serene
contemplative look again formed on his face, but though she was right in
front of him, he made no move to hide it. She met his eyes and tilted her
chin upward.
"Hey, you guys!" Sam shouted, shattering
the moment.
Josh stepped back quickly and faced
Sam as the speech writer approached full of gusto and verve.
"We're moving on," Sam proclaimed.
"We got in touch with the President and the First Lady, Josh. They're
over at the Watergate party now. We told them you're here. They were pleased,
but now I think the President's mad at you. He said we should all
move on to the quote next shindig end quote. But Toby is staying here at
the bar--I think you did him in for the night, Josh. By the way, he's still
checking with NTSB. Nothing more, but...."
"I get it," Josh said, waving off any
further details. "I'll get the story in the morning. I... Not tonight.
Tonight is..."
"Yeah," Sam agreed. "Well, CJ and I
are joining the President and First Lady at the next thing. You coming?"
Josh looked from Sam to Donna and back
again.
"No," Josh said. "Let CJ explain that
the rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated. I'm done for the night."
"Donna?" Sam asked. "You didn't get
to have much fun yet. If you would like to be seen on the arm of the most
sought after man on the president's staff, now's your chance."
"Leo's looking for a date?" Josh asked.
"You know, Donna, that could really improve your marketability on the job
front."
"You get one that," Sam said firmly
poking a finger into Josh's chest. "But only because you're not dead. Hey,
did you say Donna's looking for a new job?"
"Yeah, she's realized that it's a term
position," Josh said.
"He offered to fire me early," she
said.
"Let him," Sam replied. "Leo will hire
you. Josh can take Margaret."
"No," he said. "Donna's mine."
"Oh, she is?"
"I am?"
"Do you know how long it took me to
get her whipped into shape?" Josh remarked.
"You whipped me into shape?" she asked.
"She doesn't even bring you coffee,"
Sam remarked.
"Donna, where will you be tomorrow...
or rather, later this morning when the sun is up and you are not getting
me coffee?" Josh asked.
"In the office helping you with the
Senator Hannah thing," she responded.
"Whipped, Sam," Josh sighed proudly.
"Donna, we have tomorrow off," Sam
replied. "Leo gave the staff the day off."
"No, he didn't," Josh disagreed.
"I think he did," Sam countered.
"You also thought I was dead," Josh
said.
"The guy gets resurrected and suddenly
he's omniscient," Sam remarked.
"It's in the blood of my people," Josh
replied.
"Your people?" Sam repeated. "Harvard
grads are such snobs. Okay, I'm leaving. Donna, last chance."
She shook her head.
"Well, we've got the limo," Sam said.
"Can drop either of you guys any place?"
"Yeah, I'm calling it a night," Josh
said. "Donna, you should go. Leo looks like a fun date. Bet he's a hell
of a dancer."
"OK, now you're pushing it," Sam remarked.
"I've had enough for one night," she
said. "I think I'll go home, too. Do you mind, Sam?"
"Nah, CJ and I will get dropped off
first," he said. "You two get a ride home and send the car back for us."