This appeared in Now Voyager issue #22. Paramount owns them. I rhyme them.
Revenge
by Cybermum
The Captain of Voyager strode onto the bridge
Her hands on her hips, her brow in a ridge.
Her helmsman said nothing - he stared straight ahead,
Her Ops man looked down at his station instead.
"Mr. Tuvok," she muttered, "I want a report.
And I want it right now, keep it simple and short.
I want to know why, in this sector of space
Where we've conquered many an alien race,
Where we've beaten the Kazon, and slipped by the Swarm,
Where we've worked with Vidiians, and weird is the norm,
Where things come and go that are more than bizarre
And Q causes wars and destroys the odd star,
I want answers right now, with no hesitation
Or you'll be removed, post-haste, from your station."
"But Captain," said Tuvok, his brow in his hair
As he tried unsuccessfully to outstare 'the glare,'
"I've checked all the data and found nothing to fix
I've been to the mess hall...I've talked with Neelix.
I've prowled the ship from her stem to her stern,
I've informed the whole crew of your growing concern.
I've searched high and low for the missing ingredient,
I've used techniques that are the most expedient,
But so far Captain Janeway, I am loath to confess
I haven't had one little bit of success."
"Have you checked with our Borg?" said the Captain quite clearly.
"Oh my, now's a time that I'm missing Kes dearly."
"Mr. Paris," said Janeway, "get rid of that smirk
Or you'll soon find out why they call me 'she-Kirk'".
"Mr. Kim." She whirled 'round and confronted the other.
"Don't say a word or I'll write to your mother."
The Captain sat down without one more word.
As a matter of fact, not a breath could be heard.
The atmosphere gave no appearance of clearing
The tension seeped right down into engineering.
Then all of a sudden, through the turbolift door,
Commander Chakotay rushed onto the floor.
His dimples were flashing, his manner was dashing
But all he received was a major tongue-lashing.
"Commander," said Janeway, her voice made of ice,
"I'd like to impart to you some sage advice.
When your captain is visibly under such stress
I'd suggest that you handle her with greater finesse."
"But captain," said he with a glint in his eye.
"I think that I've found the solution, first try."
"Chakotay, I cannot believe this is so.
You can't move without me - why, this we all know."
"Well, Captain," he said "from now on things change.
I've decided that this situation is strange.
For the rest of this journey, or at least Season Five,
We'll try something different to keep us alive.
We're going to make changes all over our ship
And first we rework this relationship.
If you free up some time on the holodecks,
I'll try not to bother you too much for sex.
And if sometimes I can rescue the crew
Instead of the Borg babe, I won't stage a coup.
I'll revisit my roots and my spirit guide
And regain some of my manly pride."
The captain considered his words for a while,
She weighed pros and cons and started to smile.
She knew when to attack and when to retreat,
And she knew that in this case she was truly beat.
A redhead enraged is a frightening thing,
But a Janeway subdued made Chakotay's heart sing.
"I agree," said the Captain. "Your battle is done.
You will indeed be my Number One."
And then from behind him without saying more,
He held out her coffee, her own private store.
