I got the idea to write this by reading the story The endless night by The Sage of Toads, Harry Potter and the Nightwalkerbyitachikage, and A Slight? TwistbyCrimsonSonja. I am reading more as I go on.
"Hello, I am Walter C. Dornez, ex-vampire hunter and butler to the Helsing Organization, and I was asked by some Nerd in glasses who believes that he can make a story combining the greatness of Harry Potter with the Gloriously hilarious Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, to read this disclaimer
Harry Potter belongs to the proverbial duchess of magic, JK Rowling, is published by Bloomsbury Publishing and Arthur A. Levine Books, and was put into film by Warner Brothers.Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Hellsing Ultimate abridged is the collaborative creative genius of Team 4 Star. Please support the official releases.
Now, As for You, if I am sidelined by some wand waving little shit, I will do as any good butler and tidy up. And I expect, that I will get a proper amount of screen time. You are aware of my garot wire, correct? Don't make me use it."
"I am going for a walk." Declared Alucard loud enough for the mansion to hear, as he walked out the front door. He walked around for a few hours all over the country. He came upon a quaint little village, and read the sign saying it was GODRIC'S HOLLOW.
"Neat." The undead king said aloud. It was then he noticed all the children running around dressed in costumes. "Fucking Great, it's hallow fucking ween. Let's see if any of these little ankle biters dressed up as a 'vampire' while I scrounge up a bite."
He noticed a few, only one had gone into any detail with face paint and had bite marks drawn on his neck. It was then he noticed a man in a black robe with a black cloak walking somewhere with a purposeful stride. Alucard then sensed the wannabe darkness emanating from him. So, he decided to follow.
The Cloak guy was walking up towards a house when a voice was barely heard..
"Lily it's him, Take Harry and go, I will hold him off."
Cloak guy walked up to the door and shattered it with a light. Alucard then realized that this probably wasn't a joke and the weirdo he was following was a wizard and he was fairly well known. As he walked through the wrecked door he caught a flash of green light, and the man who the voice belonged to fell to floor dead. And weird guy was walking up the stairs after mother and son. Alucard quickly drank the blood of the quickly cooling man's corpse. And Went up the stairs.
"Not Harry, not my baby."
Alucard heard this and started moving faster. Evil bastard he might be but you protect babies if they aren't just little demonic bastards pretending.
"Not Harry." He got to the door just to see the green light hit the woman. Pulling out his gun he moved beside the man.
"So, this ends the prophecy. Avada.."
Click and a cold barrel was against his temple and a hand had reached over and snapped his wand
"What?" Came from the suddenly furious man.
"Yeah, I don't know you. But, the woman said something about a baby. And I am not about to let some bald creepy little shit stain kill an innocent infant while I am around not happening. I don't let any man kill kids."
"I am no mere man, I am The Dark Lord Vold.." He ranted.
"Don't care, Bang." Alucard deadpanned.
BANG
And the head snapped to the right as that side of his head became a fine red mist, well chunky salsa anyway.
Alucard decide that drinking the mother before she got to cold was really for the best. He did so and noticed a Black cloud escape the corpse of the dead bald weirdo.
"Lord Voldemort shall return. And I exact my revenge upon you and end that brat."
Came the shade.
Alucard made a hand sign. "Release Cromwell invocation restraint lock number 2."
"Level what?" came from the shade.
And Alucard's clothes changed into a black outfit and demonic hounds came from his Cloak.
The shade fled through the wall without another word.
"Run like the little bitch you are. Voldemort huh? Flight from Death... Yep, run from death you little cowardly bitch. If you do come back I will finish you just as quick."
"Mummy?..."Came a little voice from behind him.
Alucard's badass red outfit reformed. He decided to try for gentle.
" Um, Hey little guy, My name is Alucard, do you know yours?"
"Hi, Misser Al U car, I is call Hawwy."
"Harry, huh? You have been a tough little guy, you didn't cry too much. Your mommy and daddy have gone to heaven, but I am going to keep an eye on you. I just have to talk to my Master about this." Alucard said.
"Here let me give you something." He cut his finger and stuck it in the babe's mouth. Harry sucked and swallowed instinctively.
"That's enough." And the kid stopped sucking.
"Might just make you one of the Nosferatu, when you grow up, I will take you with me if someone isn't here by dawn, but don't give me away if someone does come by."
"LILY!" Came a yell up the stairs.
"I will just be over there. shh" Alucard whispered to Harry holding one finger to his lips and pointed to a shadowy corner with his other hand.
"LILY!" Came the yell as stomping was heard coming up the stairs.
"Oh, Sweet Merlin, No!" Wailed a man dressed in black robes and appeared to be the same young age as the parents. The man's hair looked a bit greasy, Alucard could smell hints of a lot of different things on the young man, but grease wasn't one of them. He could smell wood fire but not oil or gas. So the greasy hair was from something he makes but not from food he cooked.
The man grabbed the corpse of the woman and held her in his arms as he cried in anguish, mourning, and Alucard smelled guilt. The guilt made him curious. He moved between the crying man and the crying boy he hadn't even looked at. His gun was up in a flash pointed between the man's eyes.
"Don't reach for your little stick, boy. Who are you, what are you doing here, and why do I smell guilt?" Alucard snarked.
"I am A friend of Lily's, I was worried about her and I feel I should have been here." The boy replied somberly.
"All partially true, yet not the whole truth. I can turn the back of your head into the same kind of chunky salsa, I did for tall, darkly dressed, and formerly creepy, over there." Alucard pointing to the dark robes with half a face lying by the wall. " I can hear, smell, taste, feel, and sense a lie, boy. I am over 300 years old. You can't say much that will surprise me, but dishonesty with me will just lead to a bloody death."
The man stiffened still holding the corpse and with tears rolling down his face.
"I don't care if you kill me. Bloody, Painful, Or Slowly doesn't matter to me. Creepy over there just killed the only friend I ever had. And I worked for him, I told him the prophecy that he decided meant the boy, I went to the headmaster to save them. And I failed to save them.. I asked him to spare her. Now, she is dead and with the Dark Lord gone, I can't even get revenge on the Bastard."
"Still looking for a name there slick." Alucard said with just a very small hint of sympathy.
"Snape...Severus Snape...And who are you? I don't recognize you, and I haven't ever heard of anyone who dresses in a blood red trench coat and wears a matching Fedora."
Snape replied sadly at first then more venomously as he went on.
"Alucard." Alucard replied.
"Where are you from? Where you working with the death eaters? Or do you work for the Ministry, or Dumbledore?" Snape asked
"I am from Walachia originally, I have been known to bring death while eating, but I haven't heard of death eaters, and I am offended by their choice in names. I don't work for any of the Ministries, the organization I belong to answers to Her Majesty, The Queen. And The only Dumbledore I ever knew was that guy that personally killed about half as many Nazis as I did, He did it on accident, redirecting fire and some other spell thingys." Alucard replied.
"...um the death eaters are followers of the guy you called creepy his name was."
"I know it. Keep with your story." Alucard interjected.
"The Ministry I was asking for was the Ministry of Magic. And Dumbledore is the Headmaster of Hogwarts and leader of the order of the Phoenix, His answer to the Death Eaters. And I only ever heard of his duel with Grindewald, not that anyone ever mentioned casualties of the witnesses. That happened in April 1945. And you work for the Queen? The Muggle.."Click. " The Queen of England?" The gun became unlocked with a ting. "Are you not a wizard?" Snape's voice trailed off.
"Nope Don't have anything to do with The Ministry for Magic. And I remember the name Grindewald, He worked with those Nazi vampires and werewolves. And that would be the fight. Those killed were said Nazi werewolves and Vampires. I saw that fight it was awesome, I could have beat them both but it was awesome to watch. There might have been two or three people there who saw that fight who were not Nazis so they wouldn't have seen most of the Nazis get wiped out. And they were gone when I finished the rest. And Yes, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the second Queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Norther Ireland. Don't ever insult her in front of me, I have chosen to be her subject, and you were born one of hers. I am not a Wizard, I don't do magic per say but I do have fucking cool powers most would say are pretty fucking close to magic." Alucard responded. " Now, are you done crying? and can you let go of the corpse, I understand, I really do get it, but some people would think you holding your dead friend's corpse would be kinda weird. And if you don't get ballsy, I will put away my gun and I won't kill you unless you make me. Oh, and the boy is under my protection, if you look at him with any kind of negative face and you might hear a Click as a warning. But if you make him upset I will shoot you. He has been through enough tonight. As of right now you will explain me to any other Wizards who show up tonight. To any officials, I will go by the moniker... of...the(looks at his coat) Crimson...(He looked up) Fucker. Yeah, the Crimson Fucker. I like that. I am going to keep using that one." Alucard declared proudly.
"Why not just use your name?" Snape asked.
"Who said that wasn't an alias, too? Don't think about it. You seem like you would get it fairly fucking quick and I don't want you pissing yourself." Alucard said.
Snape slowly lowered Lily to the ground sadly.
"Harry, this is..." Alucard began.
"Sev. Your mother called me Sev." Snape finished.
"Cheeky Dickwaffle." Alucard whispered over to Severus.
"How didn't he hear us before? I am assuming he couldn't hear us because you were pretty liberal with the swearing before and now you are being a bit reluctant to swear." Severus whispered back.
"I covered us in Silence. And I don't have any problem swearing in front of children, Babies are a different story. And I don't want her Majesty to hear of me swearing near a baby, again. Charles saying ('Fuck' Alucard whispered to Severus. ) when he slipped on the floor when he was 2 was hilarious. Then she had me bound in restraint seals for it and I don't swear in front of any babies the Queen might meet." Alucard explained.
"Why would Her Majesty, the Queen meet Harry?" Severus asked.
"Hypothetically, realistically, or Possibly?"Alucard asked.
"Um, all of them?" Severus asked.
"Hypothetically, She hears about him from someone else and she issues a royal order for her to meet him. Possibly, She finds out I am watching out for him and she gets curious and either has my Master order me to bring him to her or She orders me to bring him to her. But, realistically If he ends up as my ward I will bring him to her next time she asks to see me so I can distract her from a royal Bolluxing in front of the throne." Alucard replied.
"Why would he end up your ward?" Severus asked.
"You are the first one here and you didn't even look towards him, both his parents are dead, And If they put him somewhere I don't like, I am going to revert to an old favorite."
Alucard answered honestly, with just a bare hint of a sadistic tone at the end.
"I don't know what you meant, and part of me really doesn't want to. The Dark Lord is no more, but quite a lot of his followers are still free, so he wouldn't be safe with me. I am one of them but they would kill me and the boy if they found a hint I had the boy the dark lord was after."
"Wait so that prophecy thing he mentioned was about him and Harry? Ooh Now part of me really wants to raise him, or at least train the kid. Oh, Lord Voldy's body is wrecked but the little... shade ran like a...scared little girl."
Alucard remarked but had a little difficulty at the end.
"Would you like me to cast a spell to make him hear something else when he would hear swearing?" Severus asked.
"You can do that! Awesome, I might ask you to stop by the Mansion and do it to Chocolate Milk too." Alucard said happily.
"Who is chocolate milk?" Sev asked.
"Integra." Alucard responded
"Okay, a little more specific please?" Sev asked confused.
"Integra is the Daughter of My Master. She is right around his age, I guess. I don't know who is older because I don't know his age." Alucard said.
"Now don't shoot me." Severus pulled his wand and did a couple of flick, swish, jab, swirl, and a poke and a light hit Harry.
"You alright Harry?" Alucard asked.
"Ye hum" Harry replied.
"How do we tell if the spell worked?" Alucard asked.
"Swear in front of him and then use Legilimency on him to check." Severus said.
"Legi whatsit now?" Alucard asked.
"The magical ability to perceive the thoughts or feelings of others through extrasensory means." Severus explained.
"Oh, I can't do that I just use telepathy to enter the minds of the week willed and read their thoughts or I drink their blood and learn everything about them." Alucard explained.
"What are you supposed to be A vampire of the Tepes line?" Severus jokingly asked.
"There has only ever been one vampire of the line of Tepes. He left no others alive. And none of the ones who sired another, created any progeny of significant strength." Alucard said with menace.
"That is true... but one of the third generation from Tepes sired a wizard vampire and he created the magical vampires that we know today. They didn't create ghouls if they bit a non virgin, they just created vampires by feeding then, sharing their blood."
"Are they vicious blood thirsty monsters?" Alucard snapped.
"Um, not unless they are starving to death. They feed on blood from willing donations, they don't sire without consent, and they generally try not to stir up trouble, Something about Hellsings and not being stupid enough to tempt fate with the day walker." Snape replied confused.
"Oh, Well they sound like they don't need killing off, you have any werewolf problems?" Alucard asked.
"A Rouge who likes to bite kids and the pack he built. There are mostly good ones out there but Fenrir Greyback is the Strongest alpha and he is the one who likes to bite them young. The second Strongest not in his pack would be...And I hate to admit it, is Remus Lupin." Severus replied
"His name is basically Wolfy McWolf." Alucard joked. "Where his parents werewolves too?"
"Um, No. His Father wrote a piece of legislation that made it illegal for a werewolf to change by force. Then on the full moon Fenrir came to his house, Transformed and bit Remus. Then, He ripped out Mrs Lupin's throat after Mr Lupin cast a curse at him."
Snape explained.
"And this Lupin wolf is really the Strongest outside the Pack of Fenrir?" Alucard asked.
"From what I have heard. He has been going around the packs here trying to stop most from joining the dark lord, and he was strong enough not to be killed. And he fought off without killing A couple of Alphas And their seconds. One even brought his third and fourth strongest too. Well, Lupin's wolf beat their asses at the same time, forced them to submit and I Quote, 'Then, his wolf pissed on us before raising his tail and showing his asshole to us and padding away. That fucker fucking mooned us.' Funnily enough his friends at school all have...(He looked toward the hall) or rather had nicknames. Lupin was Mooney. James Potter was Prongs. Sirius Black is Padfoot, And Peter Pettigrew is Wormtail. I know that Lupin's is because he is a Werewolf. And Potter saved me from him by Transforming into a huge Fucking Stag. I heard the Potters used a spell called the Fidelious Charm, which hides a secret inside a person and can only be told by that person. Black brought the paper with the secret to me so I could deliver a potion to Lily. Crazy thing was once I finished memorizing the damn phrase he grabbed it and chewed it up and swallowed it. Then he said, 'I probably should get some more of these, I make sure they are destroyed after every use. So , they are Sage. Oh, God Black wasn't the secret Keeper. Then, who? Lupin was fighting another Alpha over in France. I believe he had said, I will come and talk to you in France, but if I have to Fight you and Your second together and you don't leave at least a scratch I am going to piss on you, Fucking breed your top bitch, and then I will show you my ass as I walk out. That only leaves Pettigrew. Potter wouldn't have suggested to risk the weakling's safety." Snape trailed off.
"Woof!"
"Oh fuck, a Grim!" shouted Snape in shock.
Then the dog, was a man. " You figured it out, And I was surprised to see you sitting here with old gone moldy over there. And Talking with the Fucking Alucard over here. And my godson is still alive and well in the crib."
"Sup. Dog." Alucard raised his chin as he spoke.
" Black, Voldemort's body is over there but his shade." Snape started.
"Fled through the wall like a little bitch, After saying he would return and kill the kid and me, and catching a small glimpse of Baskerville." Alucard finished.
" Who's Baskerville?" Snape asked.
" Don't freak.( hand sign) Release Cromwell invocation restraint lock level 2." Alucards clothes changed into A black body suit made of shadows and belts. And from out of a piece of shadow came a hound of hell with a flaming mouth.
A slightly disturbing voice came from Alucard, "This here's Baskerville, My hound from hell, He lives in My shadow and eats whoever I tell him to and he gives their blood and souls to me." Then like stepping backwards through a door Alucard was back in his Red outfit. And Baskerville had gone back into his shadow."
"I made an O in my defense NEWT, and I became a hit wizard, And he is stronger than any Vampire I have heard of except the legends of Vlad Tepes, The Fucking Dracula, Father of Vampires, and I heard him called the Impaler by a muggle born, the Nosferatu and something of the Dragons." Sirius Said.
"You know more than me, the only other things I have heard are wizarding vampire tales. They all are scared to death of the Hellsings and the vampire that works for them. a Nosferatu, The Day walker, The undying, the unkillable, A darkness that casts shadow on darkness itself."
"Oh, work the shaft." Both Wizards froze.
"Oh, sorry, I get a little worked up when somebody is sucking my dick." Alucard said.
"Wait, what?" Sirius looked confused, "Who, What?" Yep, He was confused.
Severus just looked like his brain was trying to reboot only to get an error and start over.
"I guess I will have to do this properly. Greetings I am Alucard, a vampyre sworn in
service to the Hellsing Organization, under oath of service to Queen Elizabeth the second. I have been a vampire for 518 years. I didn't lie earlier Severus I just short changed my age a bit. I come from Walachia. And anything more is my little secret. Oh and dog, the thing you messed up on were son of the Dragon, the Dracul, Vlad The impaler Tepes, Count Dracula, The Nosferatu, Conquerer of Transylvania."
"Wow, you know your Dracula myths."
Sirius said.
Severus looked like he would piss himself in fear and realization.
Severus then dropped to his knees.
"Please forgive my earlier impertinent behavior, Count. I had no idea, And in hindsight that was really stupid of me."
Severus pleaded. "If you must, kill me and spare the boy and his idiot of a godfather. I have committed sins that should and must be punished. Please slake your thirst on me but please spare the boy, he is all that is left of my beloved friend Lily." Severus was in tears.
"Severus, why are you begging and pleading, Alucard killed Voldemort, He might be a vampire and probably stronger and Older than any Wizarding Vampire, but he doesn't seem like a blood thirsty, monstrous, killing machine. He has acted so damn cool. He wouldn't kill us all without a real damn good reason." Sirius tried reasoning with the pleading death eater.
"Severus Snape, I hear your pleas for clemency for the dog. The boy is under my protection. You shall be the boy's protector in the Wizarding world against any who would do him harm or cause him grief. So, I have said in My Name I declare." Alucard stated regally.
Sirius looked at Snape, then Alucard, Back to Snape, and slowly back to Alucard with his Eyes widening in realization.
"Oh, Holy shit. I can't believe I tried to explain a half ass study session in my family's library about vampires to The Nosferatu, himself." Sirius said with eyes wide. "How in the name of Merlin did they convince you to serve a family of Vampire hunters?"
Alucard just smiled, He showed his Sharklike mouth of teeth.
"Abraham, he debased me after he defeated me and he explained to me what my fledglings and their progeny had done and had become. Some had made mindless killing machines without thought or reason. The Ghouls. And even the Vampires were power hungry with unquenchable thirsts. I had become the progenitor of Unredeemable Monsters. So, I made a blood oath to serve the Hellsing Family in the killing of their enemies. I swore to do as ordered, but I would have the freedom to go for walks on nights I don't have missions, that I would be annoying, childish, disruptive, and downright disrespectful to everyone. He helped me Bind a level of my power that can only be released by the head of the family and leader of the Organization. I could kill any monster at my discretion. And only feed on the recently dead, dying, the corrupt or evil. Or with permission.
And for the first 15 years I hunted down my Immediate Progeny, The line of Tepes, And I interrogated them of their actions and responses. They all failed to control their progeny, I had them each call in their progeny. And I interrogated them as well. I only left one Alive. I heard he fathered a branch that didn't create ghouls. I renamed him Vladimir the reasonable. Severus confirmed this earlier. I then spent the rest of the time hunting down the other lines to extinction. I believe I might have missed a few in Germany during World War 2, and there have been strays. Werewolves served the line of Tepes in the beginning, and each time a fledgling had become a full vampire and learned enough to be released I would give them A werewolf and told them to care, protect, and shelter them. They were also ordered to always have them restrained with them on the full moon. The wolves had to obey the house of Tepes, but it only worked within a certain number of generations. The original Lycan is still with me. He can remake a werewolf with a single bite into a true Lycan. A true Lycan is damn hard to kill, regeneration, to transform at will, and a longevity that most would beg for, and even immunity to silver. But, only the first three or four generations. I didn't even know one of my first fledglings let his leave and go to change more to make an army. And they spread like a wild fire of madness. I hunted down quite a few. Any who disobeyed my law we killed if they refused. I haven't found one who I could trust to become a Lycan. This Greyback must be killed and any of his followers who will not obey must be culled."
Alucard said with a sad but ruthless determination.
Severus replied simply, " You have my recommendation."
Sirius snapped back, " Well I recommend Mooney, um Remus Lupin. He is honorable and courageous and made a pack that included Myself, James, and Peter. Peter is a Traitor and Remus deferred to James. I don't know what he has been doing with the packs though."
"He has been going to a different pack each month explaining why it would be in their best interest to stay out of the fight with Voldemort. And when they had him prove himself he took on the Alphas and Seconds. He usually beat them without a scratch. And If they disappointed him, he would piss on them and show his ass as he walked away.
I heard the pack that had their top four males challenge him and lost. He mounted the females and dominated them. He somehow didn't breed any of them."
"Prophylactic charm, specifically modified to stay even with Mr Mooney running the show. He would do anything without the charm. He wouldn't breed and make kids or pups without a pack and him killing Fenrir Greyback. He did everything short of vows and oaths on that." Sirius explained.
"I will need to talk to this 'Mooney' Wolfy McWolf.' And convince him to become a Lycan." Alucard explained.
"We have a visitor!" Sirius and Severus exclaimed. They turned to each other, "Ward on the fence line."
"Okay, weird. Who is supposed to have custody of Little Harry?" Alucard asked.
"In order: Alice and her husband, Me, Amelia Bones, My cousin Andromeda, it was supposed to be Marlene after that, Remus, Flitwick, and then McGonagall."
"Sirius, I need you to go and make Walter C. Dornez as the Guardian of Harry in the Event of your death or incarceration, with Severus as the Magical Guardian." Alucard stated.
"Um, Why?" Sirius asked.
"Walter is the Butler to the Head of the Hellsing Organization. He is basically the proxy until the heir becomes an adult if they are under age. Our current head is still an adult and his daughter is 2. But, shit happens. He is also the deadliest human I know. He can go toe to toe with me, at about 80% strength. Also, Severus Listen out for Sirius to be arrested. Someone might take the chance to block and Usurp Harry's custody and block any wills. I will talk to my Master and the Queen and request an intervention, mainly because I killed their dark lord, and ended their crisis. And if I have to I will get permission to release level 1 or zero and just kill them all and free you and take Harry. And remember I am the Crimson Fucker out there. You guys figured it out way to quick. And Albus may just remember my name but he might have thought me a girl." Alucard explained.
"Why would he think you'd be a girl, you hardly look feminine in any way?" Sirius Asked.
Alucard transformed into Feminine looking boy mode. "The return of the Y boner." Came out in Alucard's regular voice.
"Oh, God you do look like a girl. Did you really look like that at that age?" Sirius asked.
"Yes, yes I did. I was also placed in a Turkish Prison for Ten years." Alucard explained.
"Um quick interruption here, what is taking so long for Hagrid to get here? Even if he was crawling it wouldn't have taken him this long." Severus asked in shock.
"Time dilation field, Place at 10 ft out from the house, and another 5 ft from the house and another on the walls and one on the bottom of the stairs, and the last on the top of the stairs." Alucard explained.
"When, how, What?" Sirius asked.
"As soon as you came in the house as you came in the house and as you walked past everything. I activated them when I showed you Baskerville, And we basically have a half hour before he gets to the front step, an hour and a half till he gets to the door, 2 and a half until he gets to the bottom step and 3 and a half until he gets to the top. Unless, I drop it or someone kills me."
"And the outside world, has been going in relatively slow motion since you saw Baskerville." Alucard explained.
"So, Turkish prison, bad as I'd guess?" Severus asked.
"A Muslim Turkish Prison, And, I looked like a
White infidel girl, who was captured as a political prisoner. It was worse than you would believe... My faith was shaken pretty damn bad, and I had an unshakable urge to Impale all the Turks on giant poles as a warning to them all that if they stepped foot in my land again. I would ass rape them with my 15 foot spears of wood. And, I did 10,000 of them All impaled on giant spears and placed on the road to Istanbul. But someone got a priest to write a false report of my death and send it to the local clergy to report it to my betrothed. And, I loved her with everything that was human about me. And when I came home I found her dead and the priests trying to deny her rights to a burial because of suicide. So, I took up my spear and stabbed a sphere on the cross in the temple. Only the Tepes family knew the 13 churches contained the blood of the 13 most ancient vampires. No, vampire could approach, The church was a full proof protection, and If we were ever betrayed, we could become the biggest monsters in history. And they betrayed me, repeatedly.
They set me up to be imprisoned. they betrayed my last battle plans that prevented me from routing the largest of the Turkish armies. And they did it to get control of my country and Romania. I had already driven them South of the Danube. Then, they set my return to become a tragedy. And it truly did. That was the day I became a monster of monsters. I drank a communion goblet full of ancient vampire blood, and then I ate the priests. Then, I sent men to raid the other churches and collect the other crosses. I managed to feed a wolf the blood of another ancient Vampire and he sired my most loyal general into the first Lycan, then my general ate the wolf. I drank more of the blood and led my army against the turks again, and a fed up the blood of all those slain upon the field, then I impaled a corpse every mile between my castle and the gates of their capital." Alucard explained.
"And what could possibly have changed you?" Severus asked.
"Nothing, nope nada, I am and still remain the no life king, a monster of monsters, ect."
Alucard said.
"That monster wouldn't have cared about a baby." Sirius stated.
"Yes, I would have." Alucard denied.
"You wouldn't have killed him yourself, but you would have waited until he was killed before you killed his murderer. So, something changed." Severus stated.
"Severus, I know I am an ass, But, would you join me in becoming friends with Alucard?"
Sirius asked.
"Oh, hell no, you are not going to pull this friendship is power bulshit, It won't work." Alucard repeated denied.
"Oh, I am in, even if it is just to see the great Nosferatu squirm." Severus accepted.
"BITCH, I EAT PEOPLE!!!" Alucard replied.
"Come on, be a pal. Become a real person." Sirius heckled.
"Excuse the fuck out of you, I am a Fuck mothering Vampire, I have Killed A lot of people to get this Title And I deserve to be called as such." Alucard declared as offended as possible.
"I will name you Harry's Vice godfather, Not back up godfather like Remus, or last man godfather like Severus."
"Wait what? Who said I was the Back up to the back up godfather? I would remember taking that oath, I would believe." Severus denied.
"Lily did it when you brought the potion two weeks ago. As she put it. 'Just in case shit goes way far south.' And she told me to reveal that you wouldn't become a total douche to her baby boy." Sirius stated.
"Damn it, Potter would never put me forth but Lily would put me before Pettigrew."
Severus Snape replied now convinced. "Oh shit, I just realized, she could have made that potion infant strength with her eyes closed. She had time, She had ingredients, and she had the skill. It was a set up, she even tested it. Then, we were talking about inconsequential things, wait, there that was it a notice me not on the memories."
"What exactly would the godfather of vice entail?" Alucard asked a little curious.
"God father in charge of Booze, Pornography, Smoking, drugs, hookers, and sex." Severus explained. Sirius gaped. "Lily explained that is what you thought vice godfather meant, and when you found out it just meant your back up You decided you would make it for somebody. She also said I had to help."
"Alright, damn It, I am in Friends, Allies, and Co-godfathers. This kid is going to be the toughest and most well protected little fucker on the planet." Alucard accepted.
"Hey, Little Fucker? Really?" Severus asked.
"Godfather of Vice, And there is no one alive who can define my sexual preference." Alucard replied.
"So, shall I deal with the half giant while Severus takes Harry to just outside of The Hellsing Mansion. And Sirius can go set shit up and make sure no one can screw over Harry." Alucard explained.
"I don't know where Hellsing is and don't know what it looks like?" Severus explained.
"Um, me neither? And I can't leave to the dilation is down or I will be shredded." Sirius explained.
"Here you go." Severus and Sirius both received massive head aches.
"Okay, anyone want to I Don't know pack up his shit?" Severus asked.
"Where exactly is Hagrid?" Sirius asked
"On the front step. Why? "Alucard answered.
"Can you drop the wards from the inside out without Letting Hagrid in to quickly?" Severus asked.
"Speed pack. Pack and send them Magically instantly." Sirius caught on." but, where to, my flat is compromised? And my mother lives at the ancestral home." Sirius asked.
"My house 1604 Spinners end, Cokesworth."
Severus related.
"Alright let's do this." Alucard declared.
35 minutes later the home was packed and the port keys set for inside the Snape dining room in Spinners End. Severus had a travel bag, the Potters were placed in body bags, And where they landed was drawn out, Pictures were taken of the scene and A port key to the Auror Front office was made for the Evidence, and 3 port keys were made for the bodies to the morgue. And They were ready to go so they went upstairs placed a silencing spell, and Alucard walked to the repaired door. 3, 2, 1, 0 let's go Wards down go go go. came Alucards mental call.he felt everything move and he walked to the door just in time to open it for Hagrid where he had to stop himself from falling.
"Can I help you? This is an active crime scene." He said.
"I am here to collect 'arry Potter." Hagrid stated.
"On whose authority?" Alucard asked.
"On da Authority of 'Eadmaster Albus Dumbledore." Hagrid said.
"A Headmaster is trying to place an orphan child. Oh, I definitely have to report this." Alucard said sternly.
"Um, Unda 'is authority as the Supreme Mugwump of da ICW." Hagrid said again.
"ICW doesn't have Jurisdiction on a case like this. Also, going in my report." Alucard replied.
"Um, His authority as da Chief Warlock of da Wizengamot." Hagrid tried again.
"This case is under the Helsing Organization's Command until such time as duly designated Aurors Arrive to assume responsibility for the scene. Please step behind the fence, I have to put up Caution tape and discretionary wards to keep people out." Alucard explained.
"Wha aboot Arry?" Hagrid demanded.
"He is in the temporary custody of the Hellsing Organization, being Over seen by his Godfather." Alucard dismissed.
"But, da 'Eadmaster said I need to take him to Hogwarts and 'ave 'im checked by Madam Pomfrey, Then, I am to take him to 'is Aunt's 'Ouse." Hagrid explained.
"He is already gone, the evidence has been collected, and I will be Informing my Superiors of this promptly."
"Who da ruddy hell are Your Superiors?"
"Sir Arthur Hellsing, And Her Majesty, Elizabeth the second, by the Grace of God, Queen of United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Head of the Commonwealth, And Defender of the Faith."
Alucard declared.
And Up pulled an Armored Personel Carrier With The Hellsing Organization logo, and a Car to take me back. Awesome.
"Mister Alucard, we were informed to take over Guarding the scene and to give you leave to report to Sir Hellsing." A soldier said nervously.
"Understood, Captain. You have the Guard Patrol Anyone goes inside, Shoot them in the knee cap." Alucard Ordered.
"Yes, sir." Alucard never took orders from anyone besides, Sir Hellsing and the Queen herself.
He got in the car and raced out of there.
"Sir, there is nothing to see here move along." Came the Crowd Control default response to anyone standing just outside a restricted space.
Hagrid Finally left. Just as the Aurors Arrived.
Hellsing Front doors 45 minutes after Severus leaves the house at Godric's Hollow
"Arthur, we need to talk." Alucard yelled as he walked up.
"You diseased infested, blood sucking leech." Arthur Stated.
"I am not your wife." Alucard responded.
"You glorified cunt of a two pound whore."
Arthur retaliated.
"Still Not Your Wife." Alucard replied.
"You two faced Gold Digging 2 pence prostitute." Arthur spit out.
"That was your mother wasn't it, Walter that was his mother wasn't it?" Alucard asked.
"No, Sir that was also his Wife." Walter responded.
"Alucard, What did you do?" Arthur asked.
"Fine, but this time you can't be mad at me."
Alucard explained.
"What. did. you. do? Arthur asked pointedly.
"I was minding my own business."
"Bullshit!"
"I was... I was minding my own business, when this Cock meat walked through town wearing a cloak and robes, I thought what the hell its Halloween Any body can have a good time? Then, he ignored small children, Dick move, but still understandable. Then, I see him walk to a house that wasn't there a second before. So, I followed, Discreetly for once. Then he killed the owner in the front room, he went upstairs and I Drank the dead guy quickly and followed where I heard a woman say not her baby, so I decided to step in. You told me when Chocolate Milk was brought home All babies are to be protected and to instantly end the threat to the child. I stepped in and saw a green light and the Mom was dead. Then he pointed his stick at the baby so I snapped the stick and shot him in his left temple and blew off the right side of his head into a chunky salsa like consistency. Then, I drank the mom and erased the kid seeing bald and noseless getting his head blown into said chunky salsa. I talked to the kid and waited on somebody to show the fuck up. Finally, a greasy haired moron showed up crying over the mom, we talked, godfather of the now orphan showed up. Put up time dilation like a boss. made Plans executed a divide and conquer plan. sent evidence to those tools in the mom, Sent the bodies to the morgue, sent the godfather to default custody to Walter if he is arrested. Sent other godfather here with the kid. stopped Half Fucking Giant from stomping around the crime scene. Put up tape while explaining that a headmaster does not decide where an orphan goes, neither does an international conference head, and even if the head of parliament and Crown high justice were the same person the couldn't violate Orphan placement. Then, Our guys showed up. Gave them the scene and halled ass back here. Oh, by the way the kid is now my godson, I am in charge of vices."
"That just means you are next I'm line sir."Walter explained.
"Not this time it doesn't." They have a vice godfather and A backup. I am Actually the godfather of vices." Alucard smiled.
"Oh, and the 2 wizards I described figured out my true identity. And I told them my story." Alucard explained. "Oh and can you change my name outside the organization to be the Crimson Fucker." Alucard explained. "Oh, And we need to get Lizzie on keeping the wills for the victims un fucking sealed, and the godfather un Fucking arrested. And my new godson's shit un fucking touched by money grabbing old manipulative Bastard. Walter remembered those 3 awesome days in April where we watch two awesome fucking Wizards Duke it out to capture each other. on the bright side they destroyed two Whole Fucking Battalions, on the shitty side, they destroyed, two whole fucking battalions so we had to just fucking sit there and watch." Alucard explained.
"I seem to vaguely recall it, fancy lights do not an interesting fight make." Walter said.
"Oh, and Severus knows a way to keep Lizzie off ou asses about swearing." Alucard explained.
"He does, me first." Arthur claimed.
"He does it on the child. He already got Harry with it. I asked if he would use the spell on Chocolate Milk with your approval."
Alucard said.
"Fan fucking tastic." Arthur celebrated.
" Yes it is, oh and that noseless guy was that dark lord, bodies dead but soul ran off like a bitch after seeing Baskerville." Alucard said.
"Walter, get this man a new gun. A really big Fucking gun with exploding Amunition. Cool dudes like to BLOW SHIT UP!" Arthur yelled.
"Arthur, I don't think that is gonna be an awesome saying?Walter what do you think?" Alucard asked.
"Not this time, Sir Arthur." Walter replied.
"Oh, and we have a list of terrorists coming, Magical traitorus terrorists. How does that make you feel, Walter?" Alucard asked.
"Ecstatic, sir. And blood thirsty." Walter replied.
" Oh, Almost forgot because I killed the leader as part of Hellsing, Hellsing gets first crack at the whole list. What do you think Arthur?" Alucard asked.
"It is too bad, you are Blood sucking Monster, I would offer you my first born."
"Which one was that again, Walter which one was that?" Alucard asked.
"I meant My first born Legitimate Child, The Bastards don't count." Arthur said.
"I have a godson now, sir. And he is a wizard from the prestigious, Potter family, seat on their government council, Piles of Gold in multiple vaults, and trained in sex and violence by Walter, his other three godfathers, and my glorious self." Alucard explained.
"He won't ever command the Hellsing Organization. That will be Integra's duty."
Arthur clarified.
"Never crossed my mind. Godson will protect Chocolate Milk with his life during the day, And bang new Hellsings into her at night, or during breaks, or whenever she wants to let off steam." Alucard put out there.
"I remind you my daughter is 2 sir." Arthur acted affronted.
"My godson is 15 months sir." Alucard rebutted.
"Walter, Draw up the paperwork." Arthur ordered.
"Very well, sir." Walter responded.
"Let's go call the Queen and get our verbal Bolluxing out of the way." Arthur said.
"Then, we party." Alucard reminded.
"Oh, hell yes." Arthur responded.
Opening the door to his office all three men went inside.
Arthur picks up the phone and dials the Queen, while he pushed a button to close and lock the doors and a button to secure the line. And a final button to fry any electronic bugs in the office.
"This had better be good whoever you are!" Came the voice of the Queen.
"Your Majesty, Sir Arthur Hellsing, Walter C Dornez and Alucard here and wish to ask if you can make the line and room secure?"
"Click buzz ring Clack, Alright, We are secure."
"Ma'am request to put you on speaker Your Majesty?"
"Approved, and quit all the requests and what not it is 330 in the morning, I went to sleep 2 hours ago and I have a meeting in 4 hours. Get to it. And do the proper introductions."
"Yes Your Majesty." Came a Triple reply.
"Sir Arthur Hellsing, Your Majesty."
"Walter C Dornez, Your Majesty."
"Count Vlad Dracule Tepes, Count of Walachia, Conquerer of Transylvania, The Nosferatu, And Impaler of others."
"I am aware. And good to have you be yourself, Count."
"Thank you, your Majesty."
"Brass Tacks, gentlemen, And This better Not be Because Alucard went on a walk." The Queen ordered.
"Your Majesty, I did go on a walk but I dealt with a major thorn."
"Make it good, Count or I am having Another 2 seals added." The Queen growled.
"While on my walk I Found myself In Godric's hollow."
"Short and sweet, Alucard. Formal shit later."
" Alright, fine. Lizzie, Voldemort killed the Potter Parents, I iced Voldemort, His shade escaped. I met with two of baby Potters 3 godfathers, became his fourth godfather, stopped the whiskered wanker from getting the boy. And might need you to make sure they don't seal the parents' wills. Or just throw one of the Godfathers by the Name of Sirius Black. Oh, And a representative of Dumbledore. Named Rubeus Hagrid tried to abduct my new godson, using Dumbledore's three Titles. And I returned here, oh and before I left, we sent the bodies to the mom's morgue, we sent the evidence to the Aurors and photos to both. Oh, And sent one copy of the photos and an incident report to the Quibbler. Lovegood is amazing Ma'am. Oh, and Myself and Sir Hellsing worked out a betrothal agreement that Walter will draw up."
"Damnit, Alucard. If I didn't know better I'd think you go on these walks just to cause this chaos. We shall contact Our Prime Minister And sick him on Minister for Magic Bagnold who work at the Ministry for Magic.
And Let them know our Supernatural Task force dealt with their Dark Lord in one night. Oh, Get some sleep we will stick the Ministry And Minister on cease and desist. and shall visit on the 2nd of November at 10 am. The Hellsing Organization is hereby order to gather either the living bodies or the confirmed corpses of all death eaters except Agent Snape. Get ready Gentlemen. and God speed. Good night. DISMISSED. CLICK"
" Okay off to bed for us mortals and do one of the Maids tonight and don't go looking for a hooker." Sir Arthur. Commanded.
"Who should I pick, Walter?"
"Sarah doesn't have duties in the morning, and she has been complaining she doesn't get enough action. She is 18, horny, willing and has very nice D cups." Walter explained.
"Thank you, Walter. Sarah sounds like a lovely girl. Where will she be?"
"I will send her to the Hallway entrance to your Basement apartment, Alucard."
"Thank you again, Walter."
"Remember to shut the mirror door. It isn't soundproof if you don't close it. And curious 2 year Olds will sneak in if it is not closed."
Walter explained.
Alucard walked toward his apartment. Walter walked to the phone and picked it up and dialed 4 digits.
"Sarah, It's Walter, I have heard of your complaints and Alucard is fed but denied his normal company of ladies of the evening, Ensure the mirror door is closed so Little Lady Integra doesn't come in and see if he can satisfy you. Good night and have fun." And he hung up the phone.
