A/N: It's been so long since I wrote something, wow. But here is another part which is a follow up to "Tensions" and "Hope". Hope ya like it.
Self-Doubtness
Anakin had just completed his first week at the Jedi Temple. Of course it was hard at first and it still was, but Anakin seemed to have adjusted to it pretty well.
Naturally, there were people who still snickered when he went by (when no masters were present, of course), but Anakin on one level understood their resentment and jealously. If I had been here when I was since I was born and training all my life and suddenly some ex-slave boy comes in and is great at just about everything when he's had no training, I'd be jealous too, right?
Or maybe not. Anakin liked to think of himself as an unselfish person, but he wasn't sure about the truth about that. He had just doubted himself too many times when he was on Tatooine and Watto was yelling at him. Was he of any value? He knew to Watto, only a novice pod racer who was also good with machines. But other than that? Slave scum.
Qui-Gon had given him a boost of self-esteem and now he believed that he could be worth something. Could be. Anakin felt like he had to prove himself, not only to himself, but to everyone. Maybe then he would stop having so much self-doubtness.
* * *
Anakin went down to the gardens of the Temple to meditate, (since he learned it, Anakin had begun to enjoy it) and found Master Yoda down there. Not wanting to disturb him, he started to move to another place in the gardens, but Yoda stopped him.
"Hello Padawan Skywalker. Come down here you have to speak with me, even if meditate you thought you wanted. Speak we will."
"Okay, but I really came down here to meditate." Anakin said.
"Search your inner feelings, we will. Meditate afterwards we will do so."
Anakin sighed and told Yoda about how some of the kids still weren't accepting him.
When Anakin had finished, he looked at Yoda. Yoda looked sad as he spoke to Anakin.
"So much you care about what people think of you, hmm?" He said.
Anakin's face clouded. He didn't mean to say that he really cared about what other people thought of him. If he had back on Tatooine, he would have the lowest self esteem possible. But wait a minute, he thought. I just told myself that I didn't care about what people thought, but now…
Yes, just now, he had admitted to Yoda, and himself that he did care about what people meant. He was shocked at the news, he had always told himself that it didn't matter what other people said. But maybe he had just told himself that. Maybe he told himself that to himself, but the words didn't reach his heart and he had pushed it all away whenever it came to rose.
Anakin stared again at Yoda, with more respect for him once again. Would Yoda ever cease to amaze him at how deep he dug into people's conscience's?
"Finished we are. Think I do that you have more things to meditate on now."
Anakin shared a private smile with Yoda and sat down again to meditate.
* * *
With a sense of new confidence within himself, Anakin strode into his light saber training class. Almost immediately, he saw some slight sneers towards his direction, but he ignored them. He sat down next to the girl who had smiled at him in his meditation class and listened to his light saber instructor, Master Jehns.
"Today, we will do an exercise using the training sabers and blind fold each other, so that you will only use the Force as your guidance. I will choose your partners, Sandie, you will be with Tander, Sereda with Anendba….."
Anakin was praying that he wouldn't get have to fight with, "And Anakin with Bendon."
Poodoo! Anakin thought. Bendon was the being that had talked trash about Qui-Gon in his meditation class. He's going to try the best to make look like a fool! But then Anakin remembered the promise to himself that he wasn't going to care as much about what people thought about him. Stay calm, he told himself.
Anakin watched as the other partners began to duel. It seemed that fate wanted him to wait forever to do his duel with Bendon--he and Bendon were to be the last people to duel, giving him more time in torment and worry about the duel.
Suddenly, Nashia, who Anakin had found out was the girls' name who had smiled at him, won her duel, delivering a would-be fatal swing at her partner's neck. The training swords weren't as near as powerful as real light sabers. Instead of getting beheaded, Damien, Nashia's partner, got a sting on his neck.
"Good job, Nashia," said Master Jehns. "And to you also, Damien, you two kept up a good duel."
Anakin smiled to himself. It was true, they had been at each other for almost thirty minutes. His smile almost immediately faded when Master Jehns announced, "And now, Anakin and Bendon, please."
Anakin stepped forward to get a blindfold, when he heard Bendon's extremely loud whisper to his friends, "This'll be a piece of Ceka (
Well, we'll see, thought Anakin.
Bendon and Anakin bowed to each other, as was custom, and then put on the blindfolds. For a moment, Anakin was worried that Bendon would wrap his so loosely that he could see through the blindfold, but then Master Jehns came around and checked their blindfolds and fastened them tight.
Then Anakin heard her back away, and waited. Should I make the first move? But then he heard Bendon rush at him and swing at him with his saber.
Suddenly Anakin felt a rush of adrenaline and cleared his mind. It was amazing! It was as if Anakin could see everything that was happening even though he was blindfolded!
Anakin had a side thought about how this had been a little like when Master Windu had asked him to name the objects on a screen that he couldn't see when the Jedi Council were testing him.
But that was nothing compared to this. Not only could he virtually "see" everything, but everything also seemed to slow down for him so he could anticipate moves from Bendon.
Anakin swung his lightsaber to deflect Bendon's easily, and moved towards him on the offence. But Bendon jumped over him and tried to attack the back of his neck, but Anakin was ready for him, and moving his lightsaber aside, he heard a surprised gasp from Bendon, and with his distraction, Anakin made haste and swung his saber at Bendon's neck, which met its target.
Yes! Take that Bendon! Who's the oaf now? Anakin thought. But he quickly sobered, and then Bendon cursed out loud. "Sith! You're nothing but a Bantha Fodder, you cheated!"
"Bendon! That kind of behavior will not be tolerated! You will therefore clean the Temple's sanitary filling tank for one month. No excuses!" she said, as Bendon opened his mouth to protest.
"Class is dismissed for now, nice technique, Anakin," said Master Jehns.
"Thank you," said Anakin. As he headed out the door, Nashia walked up to him.
"That really was a good duel," she said.
"Thanks," said Anakin.
"I just wanted to tell you that I'm glad somebody beat Bendon for once and so good--not that I mean him any ill will," she said.
"Why?" asked Anakin.
"Well, he was the best in our class. No one could beat him. And after what he said about you and Qui-Gon, he deserved it."
"I shouldn't have lost my temper with him though, I can't let people get to me." Said Anakin.
"Well, it seems to me that you're starting to get better and better at it."
Anakin felt a sense that some of his self-doubtness had completely gone away. Well, maybe not all of it, but it's a start, he told himself.
A/N: Well, do ya love it? Hate it? Tell me, please! If you hate it, please say why, I may change it if it suits me.
