There once was a queen. She gave everything she had to her country, people, and family. She was generous and caring. So how could such a queen be considered selfish?
Destiny and fate were two concepts that always were painted either as the ultimate hope or tragedy. There was never an in between and there was no running from them.
It was all grandiose. But there was one thing about destiny that no one wanted to acknowledge.
Free will.
If someone is meant to become a queen because of destiny, then does it matter what they do? Is the accomplishment of becoming someone great something a person can even take credit for if it was already for told?
I know that there are parts of people's lives that they have no control over. They cannot choose who their parents are or how others might treat them. But a person always has control over how they act. And when given a choice to become queen, even if it was their destiny, can they say no?
These thoughts were plaguing me. It made me wonder what the point was. Did anything that I have done even mater? Would it have worked out even if I was not there?
Elsa was coming back to Arendelle soon. She always came on Friday and played a couple of games before she headed right back to the Enchanted Forest.
Elsa looked so happy these days and I was happy for her. She promised that whatever troubles came our way we would face it together, so I was going to confess my worries to her in hope she might be able to help.
"Anna!" Elsa exclaimed happily as she rode up to me on the Nokk.
"Hello Elsa, how was the trip?" I asked her as she got down and opened her arms up indicating for me to hug her.
"It was beautiful, I wish you could be able to ride him as well." Elsa said as I gave her a hug. I looked at the Nokk just as it decided to disappear back into the water. It was strange that the Nokk only allowed Elsa to ride him and no one else. Perhaps because Elsa was the fifth spirit, but I was also the fifth spirit, and I still could not get close to him. Maybe I have just not proven myself yet in his eyes.
"So, what are we doing today?" Elsa asked. "Personally, I am getting a little bored of charades. Maybe we can ask Kai for a new board game."
"Actually, before we go and play, I was hoping you might be able to help me figure some things out." I said hesitantly. "Do you want to go sit down, or should we take a walk?"
"Let's walk." Elsa gestured and took a place beside me. "What is troubling you?"
"I am not a good queen." I said, deciding not to beat around the bush.
"What! What do you mean? You are doing great." Elsa said in confusion.
"I am doing okay, not good or great." I confessed and then continued. "I was not born to take the throne, so I never got the proper training, and I know Kristoff is not happy being a figure head no matter how much he loves me. And I have not exactly proven myself to the people of Arendelle yet. All they see me as is kind, not a leader."
"Anna." Elsa said softly. "You are a born leader. It might be heard now but I know you can do it. I have seen it and the people will soon see it to."
"When have you seen it?" I asked. "When have I ever shown that I could lead, especially a country. After we saved the forest, I was so relieved that everything had turned out well and you looked so happy and at peace I knew I could never ask you to return to being a queen, but I really don't know how you think I would be a good queen instead. I am honored that you think I can do it, I just need to know why."
"It was when you decided to destroy the dam." Elsa explained. "Olaf and I were gone, but you still stood up and did what needed to be done. When Matties tried to stop you, you explained, and he followed. And you were even willing to sacrifice yourself as you ran across the dam."
I frowned. Was that it? "How did that translate to me being a good queen?" I asked. "Convincing Matties was not hard, we literally had no other option. He had been stuck in that forest for years and had grown to know the Northuldran people and is even friends with Yelena. He wanted to solve this mystery and knew something had to be done. After I told him everyone was safe out of Arendelle I don't think he cared much about some buildings.
"You still did what was right." Elsa said softly.
"Yes, I will do my best even in the worst situation but not everything is always so black and white Elsa." I told her. "What else was I supposed to do. I was trapped in a forest with people I did not know. You and Olaf were dead, and I had no clue where Kristoff and Sven were. It was either stop moving or break down the dam. And the only reason I chose to break the dam was because I trusted you and the message you sent. But here in Arendelle things aren't so clear. I am not trying to solve a mystery that you gave the answer to me and choosing to do what is right because what is right is no longer clear. Should I host events and have the people give money to give to charity, or should I donate it immediately from the royal treasury? Which nation should I extend our trade agreements with, and which contracts I should cancel and which I should change? Then I have to worry about what is best for my country but also trying to not make enemies out of other kingdoms. I just can't do it."
"Anna, no one person can run a kingdom. You have a council that can help you make these decisions." Elsa said but I felt like she was missing the point.
"It is not that simple Elsa." I said exhausted.
"What are you trying to say?" Elsa asked.
"The council and I have talked. We think I should give up the throne." I said somberly.
"What?! How could they even suggest that?!" Elsa exclaimed in shock.
"There is a man who is from our royal line, so he is like a long distant cousin or something. Anyway, he has shown to be very interested in law and everyone thinks he would make a great king. I personally like how he sticks to his beliefs and does not back down simply to please people." I explained. "There was another suggestion, if I wanted our family to keep the throne."
"What was that?" Elsa asked hopefully.
"A political marriage." I spoke. "Marry someone who can help me run the country. Someone smart and that the people would love and respect."
Elsa stopped and faced me, determination shining in her eyes. "Anna, you and I are the fifth spirit. We connect our parents' people. I was destined to become the guardian of the Enchanted Forest and you are destined to be queen. I know you are struggling right now, but you don't have to listen to the council. You can marry Kristoff and become a great queen."
There was that word again. Destiny.
"Elsa, are you happy being the fifth spirit and guardian of the Enchanted Forest?" I asked her.
"Yes, I am extremely happy! After being confined for many years, it is so liberating to be free finally." Elsa said happily.
"I hate being queen."
Silence hung around us and I stared at Elsa's shocked expression. I finally said it. The truth I had been desperately trying to deny even to myself. But I needed to say it. I needed to tell someone and for them to tell me that it was okay, that I did not need to push myself, that I did not have to change.
I wanted someone to understand.
"You don't mean that." Elsa finally said.
I shook my head sadly. "I miss being able to help out at the orphanages. I miss helping organizing parties so that everyone can have a good time. I hate having to sit at a desk for hours doing paperwork. I want to go riding with Kristoff and not have to have personal guards following us. I want to dance at parties and have fun, not stand and talk business with foreign diplomats and to always be aware of how I am walking and talking and to constantly be judged. I was never trained for it Elsa, and now I am just expected to be good."
Elsa clasped her hands together, she looked down and I had a feeling she was avoiding my eyes. She then stiffened and faced me.
"You can't give up." She said it so determinedly, but it did not make me feel motivated. "You can't abandon Arendelle. I told you, we both make up the fifth spirit. I represent magic and Northuldra while you were born to take care of Arendelle and lead our father's people."
"So you can live in the forest?" I asked her.
"What?"
"I have been thinking Elsa. If our lives have been predestined, then has anything I have done mean anything?" I asked her.
"What do you mean?" Elsa asked.
"Well, if you were always meant to be the fifth spirit and to live in and protect the enchanted forest, then would that mean Hans could not have killed you? That if I did not stop his sword then some other force of nature would have protected you?"
"Of course, not Anna!" Elsa said in shock. "Why would you even think that?!"
"Because I feel like a scapegoat." I confessed. Elsa looked at me confused. "I feel like I exist, so you don't have to be tied down to Arendelle. You keep saying that we are both the fifth spirit, but I just don't see it. You have your powers, and the spirits love you and even the Northuldran asked you to live with them. You said we were a bridge and that mother had two daughters, but all I can see is that she simply had a second daughter to just take care of Arendelle and it has nothing to do with the fifth spirit. Think about it. If mother had saved a poor farmer instead of the prince of Arendelle or she just married anyone else but a king, would I even exist? There would be no point of a daughter of a farmer to be part of the fifth spirit. Isn't the fact that a Northuldran girl and Arendelle boy married, and you are the product of that union, isn't that good enough to be the bridge?"
"There was a war, Anna." Elsa tried to explain to me. "It could not have worked unless Arendelle took responsibilities for its actions and did what was write. If you were not a princess, then Matties would never have listened to you."
"That would mean our mother had no choice but to marry our father then." I pointed out. "It would imply that it was all predestined and that the fight was always going to happen and mother, and father were forced to fall in love. It would take away from mother's kind deed and nature rewarding her for it." I stopped and stared at Elsa's stunned face. I thought some more, and I thought back to the fifth spirit. "Why does there need to be two halves of the fifth spirit anyway?" I was genuinely confused, and it was a question that had been bugging me for some time now.
"It is so we can unite the lands together." Elsa explained. "The fifth spirit is human, and the reason the other spirits went out of control was because of the conflict between the two people. You represent Arendelle, and because of my magic, I represent the Northuldra and the Enchanted Forest."
"What about the rest of the world then?" I asked her.
"What about it?" Elsa asked confused.
"If the fifth spirit exists to undo conflict in humanity, then why are we only representing Arendelle and Northuldra? What if a country comes and tries to conquer Arendelle. Will the fifth spirit come and solve it, and will there be another branch of it to represent that new kingdom?"
"I, I don't know." Elsa admitted.
"That is why I am feeling confused and over worked Elsa." I said sadly. "You have it easy. The Northuldran like you and the spirits have excepted you as well. All you have to do is be the fifth spirit, but I can't just be that. I have to be a good ruler for Arendelle, a friend to Olaf, and a good fiancé to Kristoff. But that is not all, I am not just doing my best for both Arendelle and Northuldra, I also must deal with the rest of the world as well. Every country that has a relationship with Arendelle I have to be there for and be a figure head to. I don't feel connect to the forest because I have so many other responsibilities, so I don't see myself as part of the fifth spirit. You don't need me as part of the fifth spirit because Northuldra exists in its own bubble world, and I don't see how I am helping at all."
Elsa grabbed my hands. "We still did it together. Both of us were needed to save the forest."
"Did we do it together?" I said apprehensively. "You did whatever you wanted while we were in the forest. You charged straight at the fire spirit, and then you forced me to stay behind so that you could face the water spirit alone and get to Ahtohallan by yourself, and when ever you heard the voice, it was like nothing else mattered for you but to follow it. I was trying desperately to catch up, but not once did you slow down so that we could both think of how to handle this. There was no partnership, and we never did it together Elsa. You did what you wanted and the only time you even asked me for help was to have me destroy the dam, but that was something you could have told anyone. You could have sent it to Kristoff or better yet, Matties. I was not needed."
Elsa frowned as she gripped my hands. "You are being selfish Anna."
I yanked my hands away. "What?!"
Elsa stared right into my eyes as she spoke. "All you are doing is complaining and going off on a pity rant. Yes, maybe you would not have needed to exist if our mother married someone poor, but she married a king, and you have to take responsibility. We all have our part to play and nature entrusted Arendelle to you, so take care of it. You say that Kristoff does not like being a figure head. Well then don't make him one, he is not going to become a king, only a prince consort, so he does not need to worry about anything and can keep doing his ice business. And you not being prepared for the throne is all your own fault Anna. You spent all of our childhood playing around instead of learning and taking your roll as a princess seriously."
"What are you even saying?!" I shouted. "I was a child! I did not know what was right or important because our parents never even told me. I was neglected growing up Elsa, yes, I did not like studding, but no one ever even tried to teach me. Mother and father were too busy helping you because one! You were the actual future queen, and two! You were having trouble with your powers."
"You can't abandon Arendelle." Was all Elsa said.
"Can't I? You abandoned it twice now." I said back.
"I had no choice!" Elsa shouted in frustration. "My powers were out of control, and I had to flee before I was killed or worse, I accidently hurt someone! And now I am the fifth spirit! I belong in the forest with all the other spirits because it is my destiny!"
"But you did have a CHOICE!" I shouted so forcefully that Elsa actually took a step back. "You are using your powers and statis as fifth spirit to excuse yourself for everything you have done. You could have talked to me when I was yelling for you not to run away instead of freezing the fjord. You were afraid of people attacking you but only the duke was doing anything. And even then, you could have just left to go calm down and then explained everything once you were under control but instead you dashed off to a mountain and let your powers run free which forced the weather in Arendelle to get worse. You could have ignored the voice or even talked to me about it, but instead you released the spirits and forced our people to flee to the mountains and the only reason you got away with it is because Arendelle just so happened to be at fault. You threw me not once, but twice off a cliff, first when you created that giant snowman, and then again when you sent me away on that boat. And now you chose to be the fifth spirit instead of the queen of Arendelle. Tell me Elsa, what exactly is stopping you from being both?"
"I did not have a choice, Anna." Elsa said coldly. "You can say I did have a choice all you want, but you have never been in my situations. There is no choice, there never was. All I can do now is be true to who I really am."
"You do have a choice though Elsa." I said desperately. "You can choose now."
Elsa simply shook her head.
I frowned and crossed my arms. "Elsa, tell me that you chose to become the fifth spirit. Tell me that you did it because it made you happy and feel free and not because you had to. I only ever became queen because you refused to return to Arendelle. If you did not choose to leave, then I have no reason to stay."
"I am the fifth spirit Anna. I have duties outside of Arendelle now."
"Say it."
"Why do you want me to say it so bad? You know it will only be a lie." Elsa said in a hurt voice.
"Just, say it." I said coldly.
"You have no idea what it is like to be me, Anna. I have these powers that were gifted to me, and I have to be in the forest because I was born to protect it." Elsa desperately said.
I stared at her angrily but then I realized something and became shocked.
"You can't say it. Can you?" I said it in bewilderment. It was not the fact that Elsa refused to say it, but the reason why she would not say it that shook me.
It was all Elsa had. If Elsa admitted that she ever had a choice, then she would have no excuses anymore. Looking back, I realized everything Elsa had ever done had never been atoned for. She never took responsibility or tried to fix it. She moped and pointed at everyone else but herself. Even her own powers were treated like a separate entity until she could control them.
I thought back to everything Elsa had done and why she had done them. Locking herself in her room for years and then fleeing the kingdom when her powers were revealed did look like she was simply doing her best to keep people safe. But in truth it was only ever for her own survival. When I confronted her and told her she had cursed Arendelle, she did nothing. She ran away and I wonder, if Hans had not stopped her, if she would have kept running. Would she ever return if she knew Arendelle was still suffering, or would she live in denial? The only time she excepted responsibility was when she thought I was dead, and even then, she just gave up.
And now. Even if the voice led us to discover Arendelle's dark secret to help us free the people trapped in the forest, Elsa still only followed it for herself. She did not confide in me and released the spirits even before she knew a wrong needed to be righted. In the forest she only wanted to follow the voice. To discover who was calling her and why she was born the way she was.
But it all stemmed from her not wanting or not feeling fulfilled as the queen of Arendelle. When she found out she was the fifth spirit, and when Honeymaren said she belonged in the forest. Elsa had an out.
Always. No matter the situation, Elsa in the end always chose herself. What was good and right for her and her only.
It made sense. All her life she had been confined and forced to live by other's rules. So, when she was given an opportunity to be who she wanted to be, she grabbed it and never let it go.
But where we come from does not define how we live our lives. And selfishness is still selfishness.
I was alone growing up. After our parents died, I just wanted someone to be with me. I ran into the arms of the first man who showed interest in me, and even if he had not turned out to only be using me, our relationship would not have lasted with that mindset or foundation.
But when it finally came down to my own life and happiness, I still threw it away to save Elsa, because I loved her. And even in the forest, where everything I had fought so hard for was gone. There were two things I had wanted and that was Elsa and Arendelle's safety. But then Elsa died, and I had to destroy Arendelle myself. I destroyed it because it was Elsa's last message, and I did not want our people to simply survive but to live, to face their mistakes and grow. Because I loved them.
"I am sorry." I finally said. Elsa lowered her arms and gave me a look of sympathy, but I could see so much relief in her eyes. "When I said I wanted to talk, I did not mean for it to be me complaining or trying to say you should not have given up the throne. I kind of was just hoping you would have some sort of advice that would have helped. Maybe how to approach meetings, or perhaps you staying in Arendelle for a while to help me adjust to being a queen, splitting the work for a while or something."
"I see, I am sorry I got so defensive." Elsa said with a small smile.
"You are right. I can't abandon Arendelle." I confessed. "I do not want to disappoint you or our parents, and I did want to take care of Arendelle, because it is my home, and they are my people. I chose to become queen and to protect them and thinking I should give up the throne has been torture. Maybe that distant cousin is what would be best for Arendelle, and he might do a great job, but I can never be certain. Choosing to do what is right, or to choose my own happiness has been splitting me in two."
"Its okay to want your own happiness and you should do what you want from time to time." Elsa advised whole heartedly.
"Maybe, but I have lived selfishly all my life growing up, and it has only brought me pain." I said sadly as I thought back to my childhood and everything I had done. Falling for Hans, trying to keep Elsa by my side. "I won't ever live like that again."
Elsa looked at me sadly. "I see, if that is what you want, then I won't stop you."
I smiled at her warmly.
I reached my hand up and grabbed the crown off my head. I had never taken it off. I always wore it when I was out and with my people. I looked at it sadly. Feelings of love, confusion, sorrow and hurt filled my heart. This crown meant many things to me. It was a burden as well as proof that I was worthy.
I shoved the crown into Elsa's hands.
"Arendelle was your responsibility and I refuse to take care of it for you." I told her.
"What?!" Elsa stared down at the crown in shock. "What? You can't do this Anna. I told you I can no longer be queen."
"Yes, I can, and you have to be queen now." I said with a smirk. "I AM NOT GIVING YOU A CHOICE."
Elsa looked at me angerly. "So, this is your choice?! What about your whole speech about not living selfishly anymore? You are just doing what you want anyway? You are just going to abandon everyone and choose yourself?!"
"I am not doing this for myself." I said and Elsa looked at me in disbelief. "As I said, all my life I have lived selfishly, but that is because no one was there for me. I already told you that our parents spent more time with you growing up, but even in their last moments they still only chose you. They chose to keep going into danger to help you, they did not choose to abandon their quest and come back to live for me. Arendelle chose to forgive you and to allow you to stay as queen even if they feared you just a day before. They did not choose for me to be queen or ever even considered it. And you. Even if I was annoying and clingy, or even if you had to stay in the forest because that is your destiny, you still did not choose me. None of you ever chose me, so I will no longer choose to live my life for any of you anymore."
"Anna..." Elsa said as she reached out a hand.
"That is not love Elsa." I said resolutely. "Love is putting others needs before yourself. It is a partnership where if one side is giving ninety percent and the other is only giving ten, then it will fall apart." I turned away from her and started to walk. "I have given my all in our relationship and I can't do it anymore."
I walked faster. Tears were streaming down my eyes. I loved Elsa. I loved my parents and Arendelle as well. I wanted to make them proud of me. I wanted to be a good queen. I wanted to be part of the fifth spirit and to feel like I was special.
I wanted.
I had lived selfishly and even when I was miserable as queen, I was still being selfish because I did not want to admit I was not doing a good job and that I was unworthy of the position. I did not want to give up because I thought it was all I had.
But I was wrong.
Tears still fell from my eyes, but they were tears of joy as a huge smile spread across my face as I began to run.
Someone did choose me.
He chose to trust me and to help me when I was lost and alone. He chose to put his problems aside when I was in danger. He chose to run into a snowstorm that could kill him to save me. He chose to forgive me when I had abandoned him and focused all my attention on another person. He chose to be with me even in a place where he was unhappy. He chose to love me.
He chose to leave me because he thought I would be happier with out him, but still came back for me when I needed him.
And for the first time in forever.
I choose him.
The real test of courage and selflessness is when you finally admit that you are not good enough and step down to allow someone better to rise.
There once was a girl that everyone ignored, who one day became queen. It was a chance to prove herself, and although she did well, she was not good enough. There once was a queen that did her best, and if she kept trying, then perhaps she would have been great.
When you are given an opportunity to prove yourself at last, why should you give it up?
There once was a queen who realized she was selfish, as she only thought about proving herself.
There once was a queen who gave it all up, she gave away her jewels, the chance to prove herself, and the chance to make a difference. She gave it all away, all in order to look a poor orphan boy in the eyes and tell him he was important.
Author's Notes:
Hello, long time no see! This one-shot was actually written a long time ago. I simply felt like some angst, and I wanted to try and address my complaint about how one of the most annoying defenses for Elsa is saying she had no choice. However, it slowly started to become more about Anna and looking at her own selfishness and what would be a good ending for her.
Anna is just not cut out to be a queen. It is a sad fact, and although it was a nice idea of finally saying Anna is not just a spare, it was not handled correctly and is not believable that she would not be miserable and that the people would not do well under her reign. Just because she has the makings of a leader does not mean it is for a country, if anything she should be a schoolteacher, seeing how much she takes care of Olaf.
The reason that I started to explore selfishness was because I realized how the movies treated Anna and Elsa and when they act selfish. Elsa is praised, while Anna is beaten down. With that knowledge, I had to think of an ending in which Anna was not selfish so that she could live happily with out guilt. Kristoff was the answer, and I am really proud of this ending.
Thank you for reading and good luck with midterms!
