Prologue opens out in the distant void of space.
Narrator: In the vast and ever so endless reaches of space,
We see lots of stars, planets, asteroids and all sorts of science-y space stuff nobody cares about.
Narrator: A planet filled with one of the most well-evolved species (suck it, scientologists) to ever wander it, that planet's name? Earth, a world that over millions upon millions of years ago, has grown to become a-
Me: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DISEMBODIED VOICE!
Narrator: But I was-
Me: NO! THIS STORY ISN'T ABOUT YOU! IT'S ABOUT ME AND HOW I KILL EVERYONE I DEEM EVIL AND FUCK EVERY GIRL IN EXISTENCE!
Narrator: Huh, you sound like quite the sociopath.
Me: I'M NOT A SOCIOPATH, MY NAME IS AW SPUNKMUNCHER AND I AND ALL THOSE WHO I HAVE INEXPLICABLY ALLIED WITH AM ON A MISSION TO COMPLETELY RID THIS GODFORSAKEN PLANET OF ALL THAT IS EVIL AND VILE (Which does also include those that think about trying to call me out for the lowlife that I am)!
Narrator: Okay, just stop screaming at me like an Arabic suicide bomber or something like that.
Me: Thanks, now I just need to meet up with the Louds (plus their out-of-nowhere 11th daughter)
Cut to the Loud house which is also where my $9 billion mansion is (because it's not like I'm living a lie or anything)
I open the door to the titular house and I am greeted by none other than St. Lincoln Loud himself.
Lincoln: Hi, AW!
Me: Hi, Lincoln. Ready to fight evil with your sisters and all these characters I abducted from other cartoons and video games?
Luna: Don't forget his all time favourite sister and other legal guardian besides Mom and Dad!
Lotty: Uh… why am I here?
Luna walks up to her.
Luna: Because you're our sister and it's always been that way.
Lotty: No I'm not, that AW guy pulled me out of a Cambodian sweatshop where I was perfectly happy do-
Luna does not like what she heard and goes absolutely feral on the kid.
Luna: THE FUCK DID YOU SAY TO ME YOU LITTLE SHIT?! YOU SAYING THAT YOU SUDDENLY BEING APART OF THIS FAMILY IS BAD WRITING?! WELL IT ISN'T! IT'S PERFECTLY GOOD WRITING AND IF YOU SAY OTHERWISE I WILL RIP APART FROM YOUR SNATCH TO YOUR MOUTH! UNDERSTOOD?!
Lotty: (Pissing her panties) Yes Luna…
Me: Stop apologising to the pint-sized Oriental and focus on me everyone!
Lynn Jr.: Even me?
Me: Not you, everyone in the fandom hates you with a burning passion.
Lynn Jr.: Oh alright, I'll just go kill myself.
Me: Good girl!
Lynn Jr. walks up to her room and when the door closes a gunshot sound is heard.
Luan: Gee Lynn, you gotta stop painting the town red or else!
Me: Ha, good one Luan! See, I find that funny because I'm mentally a child (That or I'm just retarded)
Lincoln: Now then, let's assemble the troops (whether or not they wanted to be a part of this fic) to save the world from EEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIL!
And out comes all the different characters from different cartoons and video games because this fanfic could not be any more autistic.
That included such faces as, Steven from Steven Universe, Eddy from Ed, Edd 'n Eddy, Dib from Invader Zim, and many others that I like too much to even mention.
Me: Alright, I hope that's everyone (Except Lynn Jr. because again, she sucks).
Everyone else: Yep, and we totally aren't gonna spend every other chapter not interacting with each other at all since so goddamn many of us!
Lincoln: And tell Ronnie Anne that I love her if I die even though we're both eleven years old (not gonna be twelve because if they were aged up in the show I'd get North Korea to nuke Nickelodeon for me) and a little too young to be boyfriend and girlfriend!
And so began my boring, effortless crusade to end all villainy (by which I mean anyone, even children who get in my way) since I have every motherfucking power known to man such as omnipotence, infinite IQ points, Pokemorph and having a bigger cock than the average black man!
HERE I COME WORLD! I'M GONNA KILL SOME BAD GUYS, CHILDREN, INNOCENTS, MINORITIES AND WHATNOT WHILE ALSO STOPPING TO HAVE NON-CONSENSUAL SEX WITH ANY WOMAN I BUMP INTO!111!11one
END OF CHAPTER
One amazing, jaw-dropping, eye popping, epic-er than Michael Bay, penis hardening, pussy drenching chapter has been done but don't stop to breath just yet, because something will happen in chapter 1,263,449 (by which I mean I announce myself as Lincoln Loud's gay lover) that will knock your socks off so hard you'll begging to burn and loot the nearest clothing store!
Author's note: Man, it felt SOOOOO good just writing the masterpiece I had just produced onto your screens and if you say otherwise, I WILL BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE, SCALP YOU, SPUNK IN THE SCALP, AND MOUNT IT ONTO A PIKE SINCE I'M A QUARTER INJUN!
Real author's note: Just kidding, there won't be any new chapters because let's be dead serious here. Who the actual hell would want to sit through 1,800+ chapters of something that can barely be classified as a story?
I could've made fun of the parts where JD Knudson (who is called AW Spunkmuncher here) declares his love for Anakin Skywalker but even that would've made me want to die inside.
What's even more mind numbing is the fact that even though JD is meant to be a hero, he inflicts what has got to be the most atrocious, vile and inhumane torture on his enemies which since most of you have an actual working brain (not James obviously), you'd be damn well aware that it makes said enemies look like complete angels and I end up feeling quite sorry for them all.
Also, can we talk about how since this story crosses over with so many pieces of media that characters from them pretty much never get a chance to interact with one another? I'm just like why are they all here if we're never gonna get any chemistry between them all? It just makes them all come off as space occupiers.
Unrelated and unpopular opinion: No Such Luck is a pretty alright (see Lincoln's bad luck song for example) episode and people need to stop bashing it over and over, because let's be real, Nickelodeon isn't going to send you an apology letter just because your little saint of a kid got mistreated for something he brought upon himself (that little white haired moron).
Also also, do you ever sit down and wonder why TLH fanfictions tend to rely on black and white morality by demonizing Lori, Luan, Lynn Jr., Lola and Lisa yet also martyring Leni, Luna, Lucy, Lana and Lily and making Lincoln as unlikable as possible while still expecting us to sympathise with him?
Also, JamesDean1987, if you're reading this (or not since you blocked me like that coward Heavy5Comando), I just want you to know that I'm not trying to ruin your life, I'm just saying that you're fanfiction is arguably lumped in with every other stereotypical TLH fanfiction the internet knows about (examples: Lincoln is Done, Requiem For a Loud, Lincoln's Anger and Sorrow and so on).
But for real, this is the end of my first oneshot.
This ColonelShamrock AKA: Uncle Al, peace out!
