Every few weeks, Maura had been going out in the evenings. It took a few months for Angela and Jane to figure out she wasn't with the other, that she hadn't told either of them where she was going.
"It's her life, Ma. We're all up in it, all the time. She must just want some space," Jane said, consoling Angela on one of the nights. "Maybe she's calling Ian, she knows I have to report him if I know where he is. Maybe she's out visiting Paddy, and she doesn't want to explain herself. She doesn't owe us an explanation for her time."
Maura came home then; clearly surprised to see the two Rizzoli women in her longue room at 2am.
"Everything alright?" Maura asked, kicking off her shoes. "I hope you weren't waiting up for me."
"No, Ma called me over. Nightmare, Alice." Jane kept rubbing Angela's back and arm as Angela nodded.
Maura yawned, taking her hair down. She took off her coat, revealing one of her nicer dresses - one Jane had never seen her wear. If Maura was seeing someone, would she wear that dress? It was in the 'awards' section of Maura's closet. Had she won another award and she was too humble to tell them? Jane's eyes narrowed. If it was a date, Jane needed to run a background check, given Maura's dating history. It wasn't being nosy, it was making sure her best friend who'd dated a serial killer wasn't dating another serial killer. Since. You know. She'd dated a serial killer.
"Is she with you?" Angela asked, and Jane swore on her phone. "She just left in one of those dresses from that part of the closet."
"Ok, Ma, I'm tracking her now." Jane swiped her keys from the counter and headed out.
Maura was at a restaurant on the nice side of town. Jane could barely even afford to look at it through her binoculars. She had a good spot, though. A good view of the exit, but Maura wouldn't notice Jane's car behind the SUV in the next space. It was two hours before she spotted that familiar caramel hair coming out... with a woman. Jane took a photo quickly so she could look this woman up later. Gorgeous, blonde, a silver dress over a shapely body, laughing at something Maura had said, resting her hand on Maura's forearm as she did. Maura leaned in to her as they waked, their arms linked, and Jane felt her stomach clench. They got into Maura's car when the valet brought it around, and Jane headed after them, mind whirling.
The next location looked like an old movie theatre. The screenings were all black and white, when Jane googled the place on her phone, still sitting out the front. She'd go to the station when Maura went home and get the identity of the woman, but for now she was cruising the society pages of Boston, trying to see if this mystery woman showed up in any photos. There were lots of photos of Maura with Jane, a surprising amount. Jane always felt like she looked exasperated at those events, but she looked good, even next to Maura, who always looked gorgeous. They complimented each other, their colouring and their dresses. They looked good together. And Jane looked happy, and she looked at Maura a lot. In most of the photos. The look on her face was... the look on Maura's face as she looked up at Jane was... both were... she hadn't realised how they looked from the outside, but looking at these photos... they looked like a couple.
Jane knew they looked like a couple. She knew, the whole Giovanni thing, there'd be no putting the lid back on that. She thought it was mostly that, and Jane being a cop, that people were just being lazy. Two women, good friends, of course they must be dating.
But she hadn't realised that they looked at each other like that. That this was what people saw when they saw them together. The goofy expression on Jane's face belonged in a cartoon - all that was missing was the heart eyes and hearts floating around her head. And Maura - Jane had been on the receiving end of that gaze, but it had felt like Maura was looking for reassurance and a moment of peace from interacting with so many people. But from outside it looked like Maura was looking at someone she loved. And Jane knew Maura loved her, but there was love, and there was love. And this looked like...
It looked like love.
Jane was seething by the time they came out of the movie theatre. The other woman - who hadn't been in any of the photos Jane had checked - held out Maura's coat for her, closed her arms gently around Maura to do up the buttons, holding her for a long moment when she was done. Jane could see that Maura had closed her eyes, could see that the other woman was tall enough that Maura's head rested on her chest. She put the binoculars down, picking her phone back up, pulling up the tracking app.
The next stop was a hotel. Jane flicked through more photos, ignoring the way her eyes were tearing up. If it had been a man Maura was secretly seeing, would Jane have been this upset? Was Maura concealing this relationship because she thought Jane would judge her? Did she think Jane would show up unexpectedly to vet her date? Had Maura even run a background check?
And since when did Maura date women? Obviously she'd said a few things that Jane had deliberately ignored over the years, but Jane hadn't thought she was serious. She'd said Jane wasn't her type. Jane zoomed in on her phone, a gala event. Jane and Maura were in the background, and Maura was gazing up at Jane like she was about to kiss her. Jane shook her head and flicked back to the photo she'd taken that evening. Maura didn't look at this other woman like that at all. It wasn't the loose, unrestrained delight on her face, it was a tight, polite smile. The mask Maura put on for company. She flicked back. She looked happier with Jane.
Maura left the hotel at 1:30am, and Jane followed her home. It was clearly a routine. She looked down at her phone as Angela texted when Maura came in, but she had no answers, only questions. She stared at the house, watching the bathroom light turn on, then the bedroom, then all the lights were off, the glow of the running lights in the kitchen. Jane stared a little longer, wondering if she even knew the woman inside at all.
The station was quiet but not empty. It was easy enough to get to her desk and run a facial recognition scan. She got an ID, staring at it in surprise. She couldn't tell Angela. She couldn't tell Maura she knew. Maura could afford anything, of course she could pay for a date. Jane ran a background check, and saw the escort agency had run one as well. The agency itself looked reputable, no open cases with Vice, no past cases with Vice, no financial discrepancies. And Clarissa was clean too. No murder. No serial killing. No prostitution. Not even any shoplifting or graffiti. Completely clean. Jane leaned back in her chair, rubbing her face. It was none of her business, and she'd be lying if finding this out hadn't disturbed her. But she was relieved that Maura was doing something... responsible, she supposed. She wasn't sneaking out to meet up with tinder dates or set fires in the woods. A professional, Maura was safe with a professional. And they got tested regularly, so it was doubly responsible. Very sensible. Jane didn't need to intervene, and she shouldn't have intruded on the only part of Maura's life that truly was private.
Jane pulled up the Governor's Ball pictures again, on her computer this time. There was one where Maura's hand was on Jane's bare back, and Jane remembered how it had felt. She knew those hands, trusted those hands. They'd held her guts in on the steps on the precinct, they'd held her hair when she threw up in hospital, they'd rubbed her back when she was scared, when she was sad, when she was sick. And that night, Jane had been annoyed. People had been annoying, and Maura's hand had been sympathetic and soothing. It had put the smile back on her face.
It must have started after Alice. Maura had been different after being kidnapped. She'd been so scared. And after Dennis. The stress of dating someone and not knowing they'd literally encased women in stone. It must be a relief to Maura, to have someone vetted and... Maura could take Clarissa in a fight, probably, if anything went wrong. Unlike that 'colorectal surgeon' who'd drugged her. Well, she'd have killed him herself if someone hadn't done it first. Maura could hold her own, but she'd reduced the likelihood that she'd need to. Maybe that was why she'd chosen a woman. Less chance of unexpected sexual violence, or violence at all. And Maura wouldn't fall for a woman. Would she?
Jane managed to tell Angela that it was a society bookclub she was going to, and that Maura probably felt awkward because it was something she couldn't exactly bring a plus one to, and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
She trailed her again a few weeks later, noting that it was the same woman, watching them interact with interest. They were physically comfortable with each other; Clarissa looked genuine and fluid but Maura still hesitated, still had a tightness to her smile. Jane wondered what they did at the hotel, looking up at the building, eating a burger and fries in the driver seat. She knew, or had some idea. Sex with women probably was quite appealing to some people. She could see why it would appeal to Maura, especially now. Someone safe and small and soft. Someone who could appreciate her outfit before and after taking it off. Someone who probably made sure Maura was satisfied, rather than the poor odds of a one-night stand. Someone who cared about Maura's comfort and safety. Someone who was professional and discrete. Someone who had a clear background check, and would suffer repercussions for any mistreatment of Maura, with a clear paper trail. Someone who had an amazing rack and firm biceps and a killer smile. Maura clearly wasn't ready to start dating, but she was clearly lonely. Jane had seen her look away and smile to herself, and it drove Jane crazy not being able to talk to her about this, that Maura didn't want her to know.
Speaking of Maura, she was coming out now, Clarissa too. They kissed on the sidewalk before parting, and Jane felt her heart sink. Maura's smile looked genuine now, and Jane felt like this was the worst part of all this. Knowing Maura could be happy with a woman. Knowing Maura could kiss a woman like that. She was crying too hard to see Maura stare at her car for a long moment before driving away.
"Professional Hustlers?" Jane asked, her head snapping up. "Vice is going after them?"
"Yeah, that's what I heard," Frankie said, and Jane got to her feet and dragged him into the stairwell.
"I know someone who's a client - what are they looking for?" Jane hissed.
"The usual." Frankie shrugged. "Who?"
"Maura's on their client list. You can't tell Ma. They checked out when I looked into it."
"Shit. Maybe she didn't get the full package."
"She went to a hotel." Jane looked up at his accusing look. "Ma was worried," she defended herself. "It's not weird, Maura knows her phone has a tracker ever since the Dennis debacle."
"We can't do anything," Frankie pointed out. "But I can be the one to interview him. You know his name?"
"Clarissa Stapleton," Jane said reluctantly. "I think Mau likes her." Frankie raised his eyebrows, then shrugged again. "Just... be nice to her, huh? And don't tell anyone. I'm sure it will all come out, and she's too honest to bribe anyone. God!"
"And we didn't know," Frankie said. "Right?"
"Yeah, let's go with that."
"We keep footage," the manager said. "From the hotel rooms we use to entertain. Anyone acting inappropriately is blacklisted."
"And inappropriately in this context?" Frankie asked.
"We do dates, events and cuddle therapy."
Frankie exhaled thankfully. Jane wasn't going to have to kill him. The footage would be reviewed, and Maura was too sensible to assault a professional, or break the rules of the agency in any way.
Jane found a way to access the stored footage. She stayed late, waiting for the bullpit to empty.
There it was. Doctor Isles. Slipping off her shoes at the door, climbing onto the bed. Leaning back in another woman's arms, being held. For... Jane looked at the playlength. Four hours, which matched up with amount of time Jane had waited outside. Maura started crying at some point, Jane saw as she fast forwarded the recording. And she was soothed, and held, and comforted.
What had Clarissa given Maura that Jane hadn't, that Jane couldn't? Jane watched an older video, Maura stiff and uncomfortable. Why would she hire a stranger to do what Jane used to do for free? Was she worried Jane would read too much into it? Was this why she wouldn't sleep over at Jane's new place? Had Jane offended her by not staying when her apartment burned down? Why had she chosen a woman? Why had she kissed her?
"You're here late," Jane heard Maura say behind her. "Oh."
"Yeah, oh," Jane said sadly, pausing the video. Maura's arms were wrapped around Clarissa, and her face was buried in Clarissa's chest.
"I can explain," Maura said, stepping forward. Jane sighed and rubbed her face.
"As much as I want to say you don't owe me an explanation for your private life, it's literally an open investigation."
"I didn't solicit sex," Maura said quickly.
"I know, I've watched the videos."
"I saw your car, Jane," Maura said quietly. "I know you knew."
"I was... worried," Jane said, looking ashamed. "Ma was worried."
"I didn't want... I know how it looks."
"Why her?" Jane asked, and she heard Maura sigh, as though she'd been anticipating this question. "I know I'm not your type, but I woulda done everything she did."
"I don't trust people," Maura said. "I trust you. I'm trying... I was trying to see if I could trust myself to date again, to meet new people. I tried three men before Clarissa. She was... she is nice. She's..."
"Not a threat," Jane said, nodding.
"I can't go through life this scared all the time," Maura said, looking down. "It took a long time to get this comfortable with her."
"And you're already comfortable with me," Jane said. She looked up at Maura. "You kissed her."
"Not a... not a 'kiss' kiss. Just a goodbye kiss. It's allowed. It's not illegal," Maura said defensively. "It was my last night with her. I was going to try someone new, next time. It's exposure therapy."
Jane shrugged. "You liked her," Jane said. "You could see her socially."
Maura shook her head. "It's not like that."
"Then how is it?" Jane asked, leaning her head on her hand, her hair spilling over her arm.
"I liked who she was when I was paying her to be nice to me," Maura said. "I have no illusions. I know her work is to make people feel good about themselves. I just needed to feel like I was safe with a stranger, and she accomplished that."
"Did you like who you were when you were with her?" Jane asked curiously. Maura nodded.
"She made me feel smart and pretty and kind. Again, I know it's her job. But she didn't know enough about me to know..."
Jane got to her feet, crouching to look into Maura's downturned face as she started to cry.
"Hey, no, she was right. You are smart and pretty and kind. It might have been paid for, but you deserve to feel that way." Jane wrapped her arms around Maura.
"I figured you deal with this often enough," Maura said clinging to Jane, "it's not really fair to you."
"Have I ever made you feel like it's an inconvenience? Because I love being here for you. I love that you trust me. You don't have to pay me, I do it because I love you."
"I've felt so... broken..." Maura said, "for so long. I was hoping that the escorts would fix it, but it just feels worse."
"You've been through a lot," Jane whispered, kissing Maura's hair. "It takes time." She ran her hands over Maura the way she hadn't lately.
"I should go home," Maura said, trying to pull away. Jane didn't let her, still gentle enough that Maura could have left if she could.
"Come home with me," Jane said. "We don't need to talk. We can just do this, if this is what you need "
"I need you," Maura said sadly. "I should go."
"Please," Jane said, her voice cracking, and Maura nodded.
It was late when they got home. Maura had stopped crying somewhere on the drive, staring out the window instead. It was awkward, somehow. Maura going to an escort agency, Jane caught surveilling her.
"You can shower first," Jane offered. "This place has lots of hot water." She missed Jo at times like these, an excuse to go outside while Maura was naked in her house. She turned on the tv, late night hosts having already gone to bed. There was a documentary on one channel, and she left it there when she went to shower. Maura was already in bed when Jane came out, facing the wall. Jane slid in behind her, slid her arm over her to pull her close. It was mostly muscle memory, but it had been long enough that it felt a little awkward.
"I get it," Jane said. "I do, I understand."
"I feel like I'm falling apart. I jump at every shadow, I flinch at every sound."
"It's like that for a while. It does get easier, with time."
"Does it? It's been longer for you, and you're still so..."
"I don't know. But you're safe here. You're safe with me."
"You were crying in the car when I saw you. That's why I didn't say anything."
"I thought you were... but I think the truth hurts more."
"What did you think I was doing?"
"I thought you were on a date, the first time. Then I looked her up, so I knew the second time. But then you kissed her, and I mean, an escort is an escort, aren't they? What do they need a hotel room for if not for..."
'Why would me seeing a cuddle therapist hurt more than a date or an escort?"
"Because I'd never be your date, or your escort. But I'm your..." Jane trailed off, holding Maura tighter.
"Did it bother you that I was seeing a woman?" Maura asked quietly. "When you thought I was dating her?"
"It made sense. But yeah, it bothered me." Jane sighed into Maura's hair. "I missed this. I didn't realise how much."
"Me too," Maura said. "Clarissa was good, but..."
"Are you going to start dating again? I can do the vetting that the agency was doing," Jane suggested.
"I've had enough dates for a while. I don't like being part of open investigations."
Jane thought about the way it had felt looking at the pictures of herself with Maura in the society pages, of how good they looked together. Of how well Maura knew her, of how well Jane knew Maura.
"I'm always part of open investigations," Jane joked, suddenly nervous. "Just as well we're not dating, huh?" Jane asked, holding her breath when she finished talking.
"It's different when you're the investigator," Maura said sleepily. "And I'm not your type, remember?"
"Turns out my type is..." Jane took a deep breath. "Smart and pretty and kind. Someone who understands what it's like to be held hostage. Someone who..." Jane breathed again, her hand fluttering over Maura's stomach. "Someone who's seen the worst of me and didn't look away."
"I'd still need to learn how to trust new people," Maura said. "I can't just expect you to be there all the time. To protect me."
"I would if I could," Jane said.
"I know. But I'm a person of my own. I can't trust that you'll always..."
"You can trust me." Jane said firmly. "I will always find you. I will always come for you."
Maura sighed. "You shouldn't have to though."
"It's no trouble," Jane mumbled. "Not for you."
"It was starting to feel romantic. After... when you were staying with me. Domestic. And I know you don't... so it was time to stop torturing myself with something I couldn't have. But I couldn't trust myself to find someone on my own. Not this time."
"That's why I moved to Frankie's," Jane agreed. "Not the trust. The vibe, at your place. The... torture." Jane sighed. "I said we didn't have to talk."
"I would have slept with her if it wasn't illegal," Maura said quickly.
"Because of chapter 272, section 43, or because of chapter 272, section 2?"
"Lawrence vs Texas overrides section 43," Maura said. "So..."
"So...?" Jane asked, and Maura sighed and rolled over to face Jane, brushing hair out of their faces, letting her hand rest on Jane's cheek.
"So I'm saying... in case it wasn't obvious, that I think I'm bisexual. So if you want me to go, if you don't want me to stay in bed with you, if you hate me..."
Jane chuckled, then cut herself off at the hurt look in Maura's eyes. "I could never. I spent a little time, after that first date of yours I saw, and seeing you with her, and then looking through photos of us... we look like a couple. I have one photo with Casey, and I look like I want to run away. Like I'm asking for help. I don't look like that when I'm with you." Jane sighed, looking over Maura's face. "Remember when we met? And we had to keep making it clear that we weren't attracted to each other? Maybe I was too emphatic. For the wrong reasons. Because if I said I was, I wouldn't get... all of this. And I'd have to face up to myself, and my own ideas of myself, and my Catholic family, and..."
Maura hummed in agreement.
"But if you think you're bisexual, I don't think I am. I don't..."
"It's ok if you're not interested in me. I just needed you to know, especially since everything that happened today." Maura's face had closed again, and Jane panicked.
"No, I mean you're the only woman I'm interested in. I'd have figured it out sooner if I'd felt this way before. About anyone." Jane looked nervous in the dim light from the window.
"So what now?" Maura asked. "Do we go back to how it was before, do we stay away from each other like we have been, or do we..."
"What's the third option?"
"Do we give this a try?" Maura asked. "How would that even work?"
"We could start slow," Jane suggested. "Like this," she added, letting her hand run over Maura's back. "We know we're both ok with this. We can add stuff later, but for now..." Jane rolled onto her back, pulling Maura on top of her. "No more torture," Jane said. "Unless you're into that."
"I've put up with you for years now, I can take a little torture," Maura chuckled.
"Yeah, because you're an absolute joy to be with," Jane snarked, then softened. "You are, sometimes," she said shyly.
"You've got a real sense of romance," Maura said flatly. Jane let her hand skim over Maura.
"You should be done with Vice tomorrow, they should be able to clear you."
"I'm not worried about that."
"Then what are you worried about?" Jane asked, rubbing at Maura's stiff back.
"This," Maura said quietly. "It took us this long to get on the same page, neither of us are getting any younger, and if it doesn't work out..."
"You can't think like that." Jane rubbed again at Maura's shoulderblades. "It's just us." She laughed to herself. "You know, I hated Dennis, not because he was a serial killer, but because he was... and Jack, Jack wasn't anything serious. He was a rebound, he wasn't a threat. But Clarissa? Seeing you with her drove me crazy. It wasn't until I saw you with another woman that I realised that I wanted to be that other woman. I was so jealous. I didn't realise I'd been jealous all those years, until I knew I was an option you hadn't considered."
"I'd have preferred you to reach that conclusion independently without staking out my dates."
"I guess I knew, on some level," Jane said. "I just didn't want to ruin anything. Didn't want to confront something so... confronting. Besides, what would I even have said? 'Sorry I can't stay with you, you feel like my wife in every way but one, and it's making me sad'?"
"That would have been a start."
"Or 'what are you doing on my crime scene in those heels?'"
"That's what you said... oh."
"Yeah, oh."
"So, what do we do now?" Maura asked, and she sounded exhausted.
"Whatever you want," Jane said, holding Maura tight.
Notes:
One shot.
If I have to stipulate that you need to stop demanding more on marked one shots that are also marked completed, I am going to stop cross-posting here.
