May 21st, 2021 10:45 AM

I'll follow the instructions my therapist gave me. I know nobody will read this, at least not anytime soon, but I suppose if I do end up going down a dark route and lose my mind, I want something of me to remain. Even within the bindings of this journal, if need be.

My name is Steven Aksulma. I'm 25 years of age, and I live in [REDACTED]. I'm a baker, Artisan Breadmaker if anyone is asking seriously, and have been doing this since apprenticing at the age of 14. It's been a very, very long time since I started this career path, and I still don't know if it's the one I want. I work in a grocery store, usually over 50 hours a week, nine or ten hours a day, sometimes one day off. It's a hassle, I cannot lie.

I make a decent wage, but everything in my state is too expensive. I'm still living with my father, who is a contractor for [REDACTED], and my older brother, who is trying to be a writer. We don't get along. It's a hassle being with them all, but until things start looking up, I'm stuck with them. Both are abusive in their own ways, but I like to tell myself that's just another trial of life we gotta endure. Doc doesn't agree, but he has to understand, I don't got a choice on the matter.

Kindness is my go-to in terms of personality, but I'm often shy. Even online I rarely, if ever, raise my voice, and fear people judging me constantly. I get this from my mom. She passed almost a decade ago at this point. I'm pretty sure my dad has some sort of mental health issues that have never been addressed, but even if he did, he isn't the petri dish that mom was unfortunately dealt in life. Depression, anxiety, and so many other terms I fear writing, both for feeling bad if I don't actually have them, and for fear whoever reads this will point out how poorly I misspelled them all.

A lot of this weighs on me everyday. Mom died an alcoholic, and with how life has been treating me, I'm scared that road is starting to show itself to me. I suppose that's why Doc told me to keep a journal. I don't have much left in terms of friends out in the real world, so I suppose writing my thoughts will keep me sane. I say that, but even as I write this sentence down, I'm constantly darting towards the mirror on my bureau, staring back with its giant reflective board. Paranoia I guess is another issue of mine. Bro got that too, but if he has a person nearby that he knows, he doesn't experience it. Wish I had that luxury. I can be in a crowd of every family member I know, and I still believe the mirrors are reflecting demons back.

I hate it, but like I said before, I count it all as just trials to overcome in life. People on the streets fight every day, so why shouldn't I? I got dealt a bad hand, but I suppose it could be worse.

Of course, I realize now I forgot to even describe myself. When my mom passed, she barely looked like her old self. I want to chronicle how I looked at this time, in case I suddenly shave my head or suddenly bleach out my limbs. I'm Caucasian, with brown hair that likes to look straight, but once it's frazzled, it never goes back easily. I'm a little overweight, but could run rather well. Endurance is my key power, I guess. Can't lift crap, but if a monster comes after me, I might just be able to outrun him.

Other than that... nothing, I guess. Aside from the hell going on in my brain and heart, I'm just a typical twenty-something trying to make it big. I hope as I write more and more in this journal, I'll gain confidence to elaborate, or at the very least, get bored so fast, I'll have no choice but to break out of my shell and meet somebody for once.


May 21st, 2021 5:00 PM

I promised Doc I would only write how my feelings are and all that in this damn thing, but I can't keep what I saw a secret. I have no idea what the hell that was, but as of now, I'm in my Dad's room. I feel pathetic having to hide out in here, but with this pencil hitting this paper, all I hear is that goddamn TV on my wall, still on even without power.

Doc, and to whomever finds this one day, this year I guess I regressed a little. I find myself constantly watching a show called "The Loud House." It's obnoxious, and at points mean-spirited, but I can't help but love watching it. Got hooked for whatever reason, and it's so strange too, because the last show I was into was far more deep in its plot and lore. This barely has any of it. Maybe it's because the show has a big family that, while often at each other's throats, they all care for one another. I want that, you know?

But today... I don't know. I have that smaller channel on. Nicktoons Network, not the main one. That's how I keep the show on, usually. In the mornings and afternoon, it likes to run impromptu marathons, which I'm assuming angers others, but not me. However, something went wrong, and I'm scared to go back into my room. It's hard to keep this pencil steady. I won't lie, I'm easy to scare, but I want to believe anybody would run out in fear over what I've seen.

I'll try describing it. Maybe that will help me gather my thoughts. It was the 4:30 showing, and the episode was "Roadie to Nowhere." I love that episode. The main character is Luna Loud. She's the rocker of the family, and if color matters, she represents purple. I don't know why she's my favorite character, and apparently a lot of people agree. Maybe I just think her episodes are better paced, or maybe I like the fact that even if she gets a lot of episodes, she feels rather unused or unexplored. Hard to describe.

Though I can't lie, maybe its because she reminds me of Mom a little, back before all the alcohol and disease took over. Back when she was a great person. Guess I miss that more than I thought.

The opening of the show played while I was trying to write something (a stupid novel that will probably be discarded). The Loud family did their stuff, and the title showed up, with Lily saying her trademark term. Then, the episode title card, as it always should, plastered itself on my screen. To those not in the know, the title cards always have the same schtick: rock or some related tune plays, the title is shown, and then the small boxes below said title fill out with the info of who made the episode and what-not.

This was not the case here, and that ain't right, because I've seen this damn episode nearly every day. The music started, but then stopped. All it said was "Roadie to Nowhere" and nothing more. No more text showed up. I have cable, so maybe I thought the box was screwing up. Wouldn't be the first time. I tried to giggle, until the music played again. The opening chords blared out... and then failed once more. No text showing, nothing. Start, stop, start, stop. I would've been amused if I wasn't all alone. I always fear wasting electricity, so my house gets very dark at all hours of the day, not to mention silent. I love having something on, at least, but seeing this started to make my spine crawl.

After what felt like ten minutes of this, the screen went black. The tv was still one, since the light on its side shimmered, and the cable box seemed good. I found the remote, and tried to change the channel. The number appeared, and if it worked, it would've brought me to the stupid local news station. Well, naturally it didn't. It just said "ERROR - 495." Before anyone asks, I don't know what the number meant. I clicked the guide button. "ERROR - 495." I tried to lower the volume, or even increase it. "ERROR - 495." I couldn't tell if I was more angry, or more scared, but I can definitely say the nerves on my face were getting tense.

That was when it happened. The volume at last showed up, but it sure as hell wasn't what I set it too. it was at max. Usually I have my volume low, often too low, since I fear bothering my family. I tried lowering it, but to no avail. The screen briefly showed the title card again, before fading back to black. That was when the opening chords played, blasting my ear drums out. They once again stopped early, but unlike the other times, there was no pause between failures. It was rapid, and maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me, but I swore it was getting faster.

I did everything to lower the volume, fearing my neighbors would get angry, and at last I ran up to the TV, manually pressing the volume buttons. That actually worked; laziness doesn't pay, I suppose. But as I did this, I notice the music stopped abruptly. Maybe I was stupidly scared at this time, but like an idiot, I looked at the dark screen. I saw myself staring back in the pale reflection, but that wasn't the only thing. Aside from my room barely being visible, something actually was on. I'm struggling to get her out of my head, so writing this will hopefully help you.

She was far, and in fact, it was only her head. Luna Loud, my favorite character, was staring at me, almost only a few pixels tall. Her eyes were wide open, staring directly forward. You had to really squint to see her, but once I foolishly did, I stumbled back on my bed. That was when the music kicked back on, still too loud for its own good. I turned the TV off in a frenzy... and nothing changed. Luna was still staring, and the music kept going. I ran to my dad's room, which is where I currently reside.

It's still bright outside. I'm checking the internet for any news on this, but I got nothing. Dad and bro won't be home for some time. I'm scared. It's still playing so loud. I don't have his TV on. I'm in the corner away from any mirror or screen. Please, just please leave me alone.