Spaceballs II: The Search for More Money
Act II: Phantoms, Movies, and Butting In Oh My!
A half hour later, in the castle movie studio...
Barf, Lone Starr, and a guy named Toby "Mountain" Dew has snuck onto a heavy duty monorail. It's going around a snowy mountain backdrop.
Barf, Lone Starr, and Toby "Mountain" Dew are wearing mostly orange snowsuits. Toby "Mountain" Dew has medium frontless blondish brown hair and a thick mustache.
Lone Starr instructs, "Barf? Stay there and uncouple that monorail buckling when I say go. I'm going to pilot the winnebago."
A catwalk out of camera view is over part of the monorail. Cable lines coming from the catwalk are in place.
Barf somewhat nervously asks, "what?! I may be big stuff. But I'm not Chewbacca."
Lone Starr assures, "you can do it buddy. Trust me." Barf adds, "thanks man."
They both lightly howl.
Toby "Mountain" Dew calls out, "hurry up guys! We right now have exploding pea pods in the engine. And, the last one just went off."
A explosion of pea pods comes from the Winnebago.
Lone Starr challenges, "well, if you're so bossy, why don't you help us out?"
Toby "Mountain" Dew is drinking some Mountain Dew.
He brings up, "they don't call me Toby "Mountain" Dew for nothing. The more I drink it, the longer my fighting goes...and the higher my pay is from the Betrayers Guild."
Lone Starr calls out, "what?!" Toby "Mountain" Dew all too lightly insists, "nothing."
Lone Starr remarks, "great: I might as well just change my name to Lone Starr. Moderate sigh. I got to be the main action guy. No turning back now for Spaceballs movies."
Spaceballs with magnetic boots start to fire lasers at them from several monorail sections away. Lone Starr is about to climb up the cable.
Barf calls out, "wait boss! Now this script is getting ridiculous."
Lone Starr annoyedly sighs. A studio guy calls out, "cut!"
Lone Starr fast walks over to Barf. Movie extras in Spaceball costumes annoyedly sigh.
With a annoyed glare... Lone Starr questions, "what's the big idea, Barf? We didn't even bring in the space pirates with jet skis, and you wanted the space pirates."
Barf highlights, "yeah. The space pirates are still cool. But, writing in a obvious betrayer guy? You'd beat the **** out of this guy at any age."
He points over to Toby.
Lone Starr awkwardly admits, "well... Maybe you're right on that part."
Toby "Mountain" Dew annoyedly calls out, "hey! I'm standing right here."
Barf and Lone Starr chuckle. They sound better already.
Lone Starr lightly figures, "so we change one thing in the script for my movie Starr. Come on Barf. Let's go find Princess Vespa and see how her script is going. She's likely still in our daughter Amidalala's dressing room looking after her with Dot."
He and Barf climb down from the monorail set.
Barf recalls, "also... Before you found out you were a prince in the last movie... You had adoptive parents on Taboonie, and they gave you your first name Lone because you got into so many fights growing up. They even tried to teach you manners by sending you to Spaceballs Camp even though they knew you wouldn't ever be a Spaceball, and we know it was only after you met Princess Vespa where you did learn manners. I'm not trying to insult you boss. I'm saying your first name Lone wasn't invented on the fly, and that you stole Dark Helmet's girlfriend from Spaceballs Camp. She may have left you and that was for the best. But, still..."
He and Lone Starr take off their snowsuits. Their fancy dress clothes are still on.
They're walking across the movie studio floor they're on. Toby
Lone Starr tries to lightly insist, "it's creative license, Barf. It's not a autobiography. Besides... Chuckle. This movie is a ****load more fun than my past love life."
Barf chuckles. He deduces, "ah ha: You're right!"
Lone Starr chuckle. He says, "give me paw."
Barf puts out a paw for him. Lone Starr puts out a hand for him.
They do their weird finger dancing thing from hand to paw. They lightly howl.
Barf continues, "there is one more problem with the script. But, nothing we can't fix." Lone Starr adds, "all right. I'm all ears."
They're walking up a spiral staircase to another movie set floor.
Barf brings up, "in your script... You have stealing a shipment of a experimental chemical called Oculaxium be why Dark Helmet has a grudge against you, and yet he has no problem letting mister betrayer guy take it for himself. A experimental chemical made for Spaceballs called Oculaxium that theoretically could cure blindness and other visual impairments is a great idea for what to take back from Spaceballs. But, still... Did you really write this script?"
Lone Starr admits, "well... Nervous chuckle. It wasn't exactly me Barf. I paid ten thousand space bucks to..."
They're several doors away from Amidalala's dressing room...when a certain blond waitress from the first Spaceballs movie appears.
With a playful smile... The waitress greets, "hey big stuff! Hi dream! Since you let me write for you, Mister Lone-ly... I thought it might mean that you're divorcing the princess to give me a go."
She moves closer toward Lone Starr. Lone Starr gulps nervously.
Barf uncomfortably points out, "wow. What a way to make it awkward, boss."
With some mixed feelings... Lone Starr apologizes, "um... I'm sorry Rhonda. I'm still married. If we met before the Spaceballs movie? That'd be different. I did pay you ten thousand space bucks though. So... No hard feelings?"
Rhonda was about to pull him closer. But, she decides not to.
She continues to playfully smile. She puts a finger over her lips.
She assures, "no hard feelings at all. That was the biggest payout from one fan I ever got at the diner! Chuckle. Come by my house anytime, Lone Starr. We can just hang out."
Lone Starr and Barf smile.
Lone Starr adds, "thanks. You got a deal." Rhonda says, "you're welcome."
They shake hands on it. Rhonda chuckles.
Rhonda wonders, "how about you Barf? You single?"
With some mixed feelings... Barf apologizes, "ohh. Umm... Sorry. You're gorgeous. But, I've been married. In the first year? I had a affair with a wawg, and I found out my wife Barkizabeth has a worse bite than her bark. They both recovered fairly quickly because they're wawgs. But... Yeah. I wouldn't want to get in a fight with her, and this is coming from me."
Rhonda winces some on the last part. Lone Starr makes a awkward face.
Rhonda awkwardly reflects, "ooh. Yeah. I get the picture. I wish I could have dated one of you guys. But, I like my insides in. So... Hanging out with you two sounds great."
Barf and Lone Starr lightly add, "great!"
They all smile wide.
Rhonda waves goodbye. Barf and Lone Starr wave back.
Barf and Lone Starr was about to go up to the door to Amidalala's dressing room...when they hear Schwartz lightsabers going.
Barf and Lone Starr fast walk over to a movie set with several bright red lit security rooms in a row. They look stunned at the scene before them.
Several walls have been sliced to pieces. Green Schwartz finger rays slice through another wall. The security rooms have quickly become one corridor of burning rubble. The song Falling Down by Goo Goo Dolls is playing.
A golden droid Katwosa with crab pincer like fingers is being torn in half by green Schwartz finger rays.
Katwosa calls out, "I...reprogrammed myself for good...for this?!"
She explodes in a burst of flames.
Several princesses gather in a circle with Schwartz lightsabers of yellow, red, and blue. Princess Chirru has a dark blue gown. Princess Blaze has a dark red gown. Princess Bodha and Princess Cassie have gray gowns. Princess Gyn has a black gown with slightly long black hair.
Princess Chirru calls out, "get the Mega Maid plans to Princess Vespa's shuttle!"
She tosses a metal lined green card that says "Mega Maid plans" on it to Princess Gyn.
With a familiar voice... Princess Gyn says, "I'll transmit the data. Hold him off!"
The other three princesses charge, one by one, for Dark Helmet.
Dark Helmet uses the Schwartz to hurl Princess Chirru off the set.
Princess Chirru with her Schwartz ring, off camera, cushions her fall. She pretends to scream.
Princess Blaze and Dark Helmet slash at each other with their Schwartz lightsabers.
Dark Helmet kicks her hard while using the Schwartz to jam Princess Bodha's Schwartz lightsaber into a wall.
Lone Starr calls out in disbelief, "a scarily competent Dark Helmet?! Vespa... What the hell is all this?"
A studio guy calls out, "cut!"
Princess Gyn frustratedly sighs. She takes off a stone faced face mask and a wig. It turns out to be Princess Vespa acting as a different princess.
The other princesses and the movie actor playing Dark Helmet frustratedly sigh.
Amidala frustratedly goes, "oh, come on! I want to see Dark Helmet get fought by you, mommy."
With a smile... Princess Vespa figures, "aw. I wanted to too, darling."
She puts a comforting hand on her shoulder.
Princess Vespa turns toward Lone Starr. She angrily glares at him.
Princess Vespa remarks to Amidalala, "but, I'm going to now really talk some royal sense into your daddy's ***."
A bleep goes off.
Barf and Lone Starr ask, "is that really necessary?"
The annoying camera guy just smiles and walks away.
Lone Starr and Barf annoyedly shake their heads.
Princess Vespa walks over to Lone Starr.
Princess Vespa warns, "Lone Starr... I'm only going to say this once. Don't interrupt me while I'm filming my film The League of Rogue Princesses!"
Lone Starr sincerely says, "okay princess." Princess Vespa says, "thank you. Now why are you taking issue with my film? I thought you'd love my film."
Princess Vespa frowns. Lone Starr, Barf, and Amidalala make nervous faces.
Lone Starr uncomfortably responds, "I would love it...if it didn't undermine my accomplishments from the last movie!"
Princess Vespa tries to assure, "oh come on! I'd never do that to you."
She smirks. She puts a comforting arm around him.
Lone Starr brings up, "oh really? Dark Helmet kills a League of Rogue Princesses who all use the Schwartz, and yet he and me are evenly matched?"
He whispers to Vespa, "if I met a scarier Dark Helmet before I found out the Schwartz ring doesn't give me the power of the Schwartz? You, me... We would all be dead."
Princess Vespa gulps nervously.
After a bit... Princess Vespa tries to assure, "well... Not if we both had the Schwartz. It's called retcons, dear."
Lone Starr faintly chuckles. He comments, "okay. You want to play that game? How about this for a retcon, princess? My scanners mapped the head of Mega Maid just fine. So what? Anyone can go and press the self destruct button on the Spaceballs 1 ship now? And what other Mega Maid plans would there be? Just sitting in your shuttle, waiting for you to be smart enough to look in the trunk?"
With a heated glare... Princess Vespa mutters, "how dare you!"
She steps back. Lone Starr annoyedly glares.
Lone Starr continues, "oh, I dare to. The first thing you did in the Spaceballs movie was not at all checking your things. You ran away in your flying car with Dot into range of Dark Helmet because you were stupid enough not to know what planet to run to even though your family is rich! Me and Barf rescued you and Dot from your own stupidity, and what you insisted not to go without was everything but necessary: It was all your royally pointless matched luggage!"
Princess Vespa calls out, "you pig headed ****! !" Lone Starr calls out, "you horse faced pain in the ***! !"
They're about to fight. But, Barf and Dot stand in their way.
Barf calls out, "whoa, whoa: Time out!"
Princess Vespa and Lone Starr tensely ask, "why?!"
Barf somewhat lightly suggests, "well... Because Dot has a early birthday present for you both. A peace offering."
Dot is quick to say, "yes, Barf. That's what my movie is. A peace offering for you both, and for many more fans of our first movie Spaceballs."
Princess Vespa, Amidalala, and Lone Starr smile a little.
Princess Vespa considers, "well... I don't see why not. Do you?" Lone Starr considers, "yeah. I don't see why not either."
Barf, Princess Vespa, Amidala, and Dot lightly go, "great!" Lone Starr figures, "great. Let's go check out Dot's movie."
Lone Starr, Princess Vespa, Amidalala, Barf, and Dot head for Dot's movie set on another floor.
Several minutes later, on Dot's movie set...
There's a woman in worn out white robes named Ray with slightly long black hair. There's a former Spaceball guy named Flynn with short black hair.
Ray and Flynn walk down a alley on the mostly stone planet named Takodinar. There's a rolling magic 8 ball styled droid called 8 Cubed rolling beside them.
They find a rustic gray blue treasure chest.
Flynn somewhat nervously asks, "Ray... Are you sure I'm a hero?"
Ray points out, "you helped rescue resistance member Poet Damien from The Dark Helmets Order and their Starwiper Sphere. Neither of you could fly well, except a Schwartz ring came from a burning wreckage to choose you. You tell me."
Flynn kind of lightly argues, "my Schwartz ring was destroyed in the crash. Nervous chuckle. I bet we don't find two Schwartz rings."
Ray raises a eyebrow. She wonders, "and if we do?"
Flynn remarks, "then I'll be damned, but happy to try again."
Ray chuckles. She says, "I'll take that bet. I've been damned all my life, and trying to be happy is how I've survived."
8 Cubed shakes itself. It says "the Schwartz points to yes."
With a smile... Ray says, "thank you. Why did it take the resistance this long to make a droid that's Schwartz attuned?"
Flynn assumes, "thirty years is a long time to make new droids. Could be all it is." Ray adds, "true."
They both open the treasure chest. They find two Schwartz rings.
Flynn mutters, "damn. I lost the bet."
Ray checks in concern, "how are you feeling now?"
Flynn asks back, "cautiously happy?" Ray adds, "good enough."
The song Day and Night by Billie P. is playing.
Flynn and Ray each put on a Schwartz ring.
Suddenly... Schwartz ghosts of Lone Starr's and Princess Vespa appear.
Ghost Lone Starr kind of loudly says, "I'm awake! I'm awake."
He and Ghost Princess Vespa stretch and yawn loudly.
Flynn asks in concern, "I'm sorry. Did we take the wrong rings?"
With a smile... Ghost Princess Vespa assures, "nope. The movie isn't called The Schwartz Ghosts Awaken for nothing."
Ray wonders, "and the maps? Which one leads to at least one of my parents, and hopefully not some ******** retcon of me being a clone to a Dark Helmet guy?"
Flynn points out, "you have warped nightmares. That's too stupid a plot point to be real."
Ray laughs hard at that. Ray adds, "thanks."
Ghost Princess Vespa explains, "the maps don't lead to us, Ray. They're mostly decoys programmed by Dot to keep The Dark Helmets Order busy while you find us."
Ghost Lone Starr assures, "but one of the maps leads to your mother. Give it time, kid. 8 Cubed will help you find her." Ray adds, "thanks."
Ghost Princess Vespa brings up, "just don't make the same mistake my husband Lone Starr did, and we're good. If it wasn't for his grandson Kitelo Rentz being born? We wouldn't be here."
Ghost Lone Starr complains, "oh hell. You're still blaming this on me? That was Dark Helmet's former girlfriend's mother's son, and she didn't even tell me I was the father! Kitelo called it out to the galaxy first!"
He puts his arms out on the last part.
Ghost Princess Vespa argues, "well, if you tried to visit his mother just once? You might have known faster." Ghost Lone Starr goes, "ugh!"
A studio guy calls out, "cut!"
Dot says, "great scene everyone."
Ray, Flynn, and the ghost actors sigh in relief.
Princess Vespa, Barf, and Amidalala are clapping. They're widely smiling.
Princess Vespa lightly says, "that was a wonderful early birthday present, Dot! Thank you so much." Dot says, "aw. You're welcome darling."
Barf nervously asks, "um... Should we catch up to Lone Starr? He sounds angry."
Lone Starr is fast walking up a spiral staircase. He's huffing angrily as he does.
Dot's eyes blink red. She realizes, "uh oh."
Princess Vespa fast walks after Lone Starr. Barf and Amidalala follow her.
Soon... The whole movie studio rocks back and forth.
Princess Vespa, Amidalala, and Dot hold on tight to the staircase's railing. They continue up the stairs.
The whole movie studio, with four warp nacelle powered castle towers, starts rocketing off of Druidia. Part of Druidia's air shield opens for the movie studio ship.
Princess Vespa, Amidalala, Barf, and Dot get up to the ship's bridge. The words "Phase Not Two" is written across the ship's mostly gray floor.
Lone Starr is sitting in the captain's chair. He has made a dome of yellow Schwartz beams of light around himself.
The ship's bridge crew is getting up. They groan hard some.
They tried to stop Lone Starr. But, they were all knocked back by his Schwartz dome.
There's a guy with medium frontless blond hair and wearing a chicken suit named Pecker. There's a bald golden droid named Ialas. There's a golden droid named Sunack. There's a woman with slightly long black hair and a red dress named Uhulu.
Princess Vespa tensely asks, "Lone Starr? What the hell are you...?!"
Lone Starr angrily declares, "no one is calling me a idiot anymore today. I'm captaining this movie studio ship!"
Dot mutters to herself, "oh, there's still time in this movie to call you many things."
Amidalala tries hard not to chuckle at that.
Pecker explains to Princess Vespa, "I tried to tell him we're not ready for ludicrous speed yet. But, he wouldn't listen!"
Lone Starr turns on the intercom button on his chair.
Princess Vespa pleads, "Lone Starr... I'm your wife. Heavy sigh. Please: Can't we talk?"
Lone Starr heavily sighs. He says, "okay. I... I'll talk to you. I don't mean to shut you out, my royal highness."
With a smile... Princess Vespa kind of lightly says, "thank you!"
Everyone else awkwardly smiles. Lone Starr lets his Schwartz dome vanish.
Lone Starr thinks out loud, "now... I plan to make a big dent in The Shell Company Federation's main ship where the sun don't shine to end their reign of corporate evil now. You got a better idea? I'd like to hear it."
Barf points out, "yeah. Don't do it, or we could blow up the ship and die!"
Amidalala all too lightly assumes, "ludicrous speed sounds fun anytime, daddy!"
Lone Starr chuckles. He says, "great. You can sit right by me."
Princess Vespa complains, "Amidalala: Not you too! Frustrated sigh. It's too early to try ludicrous speed now!"
Amidalala sits in a nearby chair. She and Lone Starr buckle their seatbelts.
Lone Starr tries to assure, "look. I love you, Vespa. But, that's ludicrous. We're the main stars and this is a PG rated movie. Everyone buckle up or duck for cover! We're going to ludicrous speed!"
Before Princess Vespa can stop him? He pulls a big red lever by his chair.
And... The studio movie ship goes into ludicrous speed.
Dot and Princess Vespa annoyedly sigh. Amidalala is chuckling to herself.
The ship's bridge crew ducks on the ground. They call out, "why are we the bridge crew?!"
Dot, Barf, and Princess Vespa almost fly backwards from ludicrious speed. They each struggle to hold onto the back of a different chair.
Barf is screaming.
On the bridge's viewscreen? There are plaid grids all around the ship...and a cosmic plot hole with Mega Maid's torch sticking out.
Dark Helmet, giant sandworms in badly rendered image quality, a big anti-Schwartz red hand, Colonel Sanders, and President Skroob are coming out of the cosmic plot hole.
Barf, Dot, Lone Starr, Princess Vespa, and Amidalala call out, "what...the hell...?!"
Princess Vespa uses her high heels to help her feet stay anchored on the back of a seat.
Princess Vespa and Lone Starr realize, "we got to...close up the plot hole!"
They both struggle to close up the cosmic plot hole: With large green Schwartz hands coming from their rings.
After who knows how long... The cosmic plot hole finally closes on Dark Helmet, Colonel Sanders, and President Skroob.
Dark Helmet calls out, "worst...movie cameo...I've done! !"
A counter-shockwave from the closing cosmic plot hole pulls the ship out of ludicrous ship. Dot and Barf crash land into the back of the bridge.
Soon... Princess Vespa and Lone Starr help Dot and Barf back on their feet.
Princess Vespa and Lone Starr check in concern, "are you okay?!"
Dot starts to say, "yeah. No thanks to..."
Then... Everyone on the bridge look wide eyed and teary eyed in shock.
Amidalala's chair has just been taken by the anti-Schwartz hand...along with her.
Lone Starr somberly murmurs, "goddamn it! The Shell Company Federation..."
Princess Vespa somberly realizes, "they took our daughter."
