Spaceballs II: The Search for More Money
Act IV: Blazing Rides
Pecker steers the movie studio ship fast for some asteroids.
He steers it up fast at the last second.
The electrical ball hits the asteroid instead. The asteroid vaporizes in a second.
With a smile... Lone Starr admits, "not bad Pecker. I'm impressed."
Pecker smiles. Everyone else on the bridge claps and smiles.
With some mixed feelings... Dana Troy suddenly realizes, "Captain Pecker, Captain Lone Starr... I... I telepathically sense emotions of a being in that cloud. Hard groan. A angry and confused being beyond my comprehension."
Most everyone asks in nervousness, "what?!"
With a smug smile... Dana Troy replies, "I know, right? Nothing is beyond my comprehension."
Firewall, Barf, Lone Starr, Ialas, Pecker, and Amidalala look amused. Everyone else roll their eyes annoyedly.
Firewall asks Dana Troy, "how about dinner together?" Dana Troy says, "oh god yes."
They smile to each other.
Doctor Brass annoyedly adds, "I need a shower. Later guys and girls."
She quickly waves bye to everyone. She leaves the bridge set.
Lone Starr thinks out loud to Dana Troy, "I just had a thought. I'm not trying to butt into your next generation love life of parallels. But, if nothing is beyond your comprehension... Why don't you tell us what the hell that thing is out there?"
Dana Troy warningly glares. Most everyone looks nervous.
On the viewscreen... Many asteroids and water blobs are floating around.
The movie studio ship is in orbit of a planet's remnants. The nebulous umbrella cloud is waving a nebulous spiraling searchlight around the planet remnants.
Dana Troy points out, "hard to do that without a ship or us left."
Amidalala admits, "I kind of hate to admit it. But, she has a hell of a point."
She points to Dana Troy. Dana Troy is quick to nod.
Most everyone sighs in frustration.
Pecker reluctantly concludes, "fine, fine. Let's just get the hyper jets going and go into hyperactive." Lone Starr reluctantly adds, "yeah. But, we're going to get more answers soon."
Pecker steers the movie studio ship hard to the left of some asteroids.
Suddenly... The nebulous umbrella cloud gets a searchlight lock on the movie studio ship.
Pecker speeds up the movie studio ship to hyper-speed.
At the same time... The nebulous umbrella cloud fires a electrical ball after them.
The movie studio ship's bridge shakes like crazy. Everyone reactively holds onto their seats.
Princess Vespa, Barf, Dot, Lone Starr, and Amidalala call out, "what the hell was that?!"
Ialas reports, "we've lost sight of the nebulous being. But... A electrical ball has just vaporized a hyper jet tower. And... We're spiraling out of hyperactive."
Pecker and Lone Starr realize, "we're going to crash."
Most everyone gulps nervously.
Princess Vespa calls out, "everyone buckle up! This is going to be a bumpy ride."
On the viewscreen... The words "Spaceballs Tours" go across in blocky gold letters.
Beach sand styled cushioned seats replace all the bridge chairs and then some.
Everyone sits in the chairs. They all buckle up.
Suddenly... Dark Helmet bizarrely appears on the viewscreen with a microphone.
With a smug smile... Dark Helmet starts to rant, "welcome to Spaceballs Tours. Lone Starr and Princess Vespa... You thought you could escape my petty revenge easily. But, now..."
Lone Starr figures, "oh **** no! I'm cancelling this rip off of Star Tours."
He quickly uses the Schwartz to reach a Schwartz hand in the viewscreen to Dark Helmet's nose.
Dark Helmet nasally says, "ahh! Let go of my nose!"
He uses the Schwartz to reach a Schwartz hand through the viewscreen. It's heading for Lone Starr's nose.
Princess Vespa warns Dark Helmet, "hey! Schwartz hands off of my sweet starry."
She uses the Schwartz to pull Dark Helmet forward by his own Schwartz hand with another Schwartz hand. Lone Starr has his Schwartz hand vanish.
Dark Helmet crashes into the then cracked viewscreen. He falls unconscious.
He falls into a cosmic plothole...back to ship debris of Mega Maid.
Everyone claps for Lone Starr and Princess Vespa.
Lone Starr and Princess Vespa lightly add, "thank you. Thank you." Princess Vespa suggests, "we'd love to do it again someday."
Then... The movie studio ship falls out of hyper-speed.
It crash lands into a sand dune...on the desert planet Taboonie.
Electric sparks go off across the movie studio ship. The viewscreen shatters. The power goes out.
Everyone is still conscious. Most everyone sighs in mixed relief.
Taboonie has plenty of sand dunes, green to red stone clay domes for houses and government offices, hovering TVs on 80's antenna styled hover units with the show ABC Afterschool Special and PSAs on TV 24/7, and spray painted graffiti across every city.
Everyone on the movie studio ship bridge unbuckles. They get out of their seats.
Amidalala somewhat nervously asks, "mommy, daddy... Where are we?"
Lone Starr looks out through the shattered viewscreen. He sees some green stone clay domes.
With mixed feelings... Lone Starr realizes, "we're on Taboonie."
Amidalala wonders, "ooh! Do we get to meet your adoptive parents?"
Princess Vespa figures, "ooh. I like that idea. Can we Lone Starr? Please?"
Amidalala pouts.
After a bit... Lone Starr somewhat lightly goes, "fine! But, off camera. Moderate sigh. I'm not keen on meeting them again because they sent me to Spaceballs Camp that one time, and Act IV of this movie is supposed to be more fun goddamnit!"
Most everyone chuckles some at that.
Princess Vespa shrugs. She all too lightly figures, "yeah. That's fair. I'd do that for you, dear."
Lone Starr says, "thank you, my royal highness. You just made me very happy."
They hug each other close. They and Amidalala smile wide.
Pecker points out, "yeah. Great for you. But, how are we going to get new parts for our ship?"
Most everyone is looking contemplatively around the wreckage of the viewscreen.
After a bit... Barf raises his hand.
Barf lightly suggests, "I know! We'll dust off the hover-cars I designed for The Museum of The Self Driving Wars scene for Dot's movie. And we bet them all into the betting pool, along with our movie budget, for a hover-car race to raise the stakes for when we win. We win, and we get enough money for all the parts the movie studio ship needs!"
With a slight glare... Princess Vespa goes, "Barf! That's got to be the stupidest idea I ever heard. If we lose the movie budget on Taboonie? This movie will quickly turn into Waterworld, and that movie was a pile of ****."
Dot brings up, "Waterworld mostly had bad budgeting. The movie Baby Geniuses is ****."
Some bleeps go off. Amidalala and most everyone else reactively cover their ears.
Dot calls out, "hey! Some people are trying to hear themselves think here."
She kicks the annoying camera guy and his bleep machine hard out the open viewscreen.
He lands in a sand dune on top of his bleep machine.
A bleep goes off. The annoying camera guy kind of quickly moves off of the bleep machine.
He groans hard some. He calls out loudly, "I'm okay!"
Most everyone looks stunned at Dot. Barf and Pecker chuckle.
Princess Vespa and Lone Starr call out in near disbelief, "Dot?!"
Dot is quick to apologize, "sorry. He was just getting on my and Amidalala's nerves."
Lone Starr assures, "nah, it's okay Dot. He means well. But, he was really annoying us all."
Most everyone agrees. They smile.
Several hover-cars circle around the two sand dunes.
From one of the hover-cars... Dark Spammer wonders, "did someone call for a hover-car race? Call 1-800-HOVER now, and you can buy a new hover-car off of this movie studio ship wreck."
Most everyone else glares at him.
Princess Vespa calls out, "oh my god. Is he spamming us?!"
General Pinball suggests, "put a new hover-car for me in the betting pool, Dark Spammer!"
Dark Spammer laughs. He dials the number on his cell phone.
Several more hover-car drivers call out, "count me in too!"
Suddenly... A Hutt made out of tar called Tar Tar The Hutt shows up.
He has a tank on hover engines ready with a movie studio ship sized bucket of tar.
Tar Tar the Hutt declares, "all betting pool forms are final. The hover-car race will begin shortly. The penalty for backing out is getting covered in tar."
Most everyone glares at him, Dark Spammer, and General Pinball.
Amidalala frustratedly points out, "what betting pool form? We didn't sign it! What the hell?!"
Lone Starr explains, "I know we didn't, darling: Dark Spammer probably did. This is why I like to avoid The Elemental Hutts Association. They'll try anything to steal ship fuel and space bucks for themselves. They literally eat ship fuel."
Tar Tar the Hutt comments, "hey! Liquid Schwartz is best fuel for Tar Tar. You got plenty."
Most everyone frustratedly sighs.
Princess Vespa concludes, "well... It looks like we're stuck with Barf's stupid plan after all." Barf complains, "hey! I'm not stupid."
Ialas asks Tar Tar the Hutt, "Tar Tar... Why is your name not tartar then?"
Tar Tar the Hutt explains, "I'm mostly tar. Rest is spoiled rotten steak tartar."
Most everyone goes, "eww!"
Barf asks, "hey Lone Starr. Can I talk to you?"
Lone Starr says, "sure, Barf. I'll be back, my royal highness."
He and Princess Vespa smile some.
Lone Starr and Barf walk over to another part of the bridge.
Barf whispers to Lone Starr, "my hover-cars all got backup AI s. We'll ace this race anyway."
Lone Starr and Barf laugh hard and lightly howl.
Not long after, at a hover-car race stadium on Taboonie...
A crowd of sandcastle like beings, humans, and ant like people are in the stands. The movie studio ship's bridge crew, Dot, Amidalala, and Princess Vespa are among them. Tar Tar the Hutt and several buckets of tar are on a hovering platform over the race starting line.
Lone Starr and Barf have arrived in a blue lined gray hover-car. General Pinball and Dark Spammer arrive in a dark red and black striped hover-car. A guy with Mandalorian styled and Christmas themed armor named Jango Bells has arrived in a matching hover-car.
And... There are more competitors for this race:
Buzz Lightyear and Princess Mira Nova from Buzz Lightyear of Star Command, Nightcrawler and Kitty Pryde from X-Men: Evolution, Rose aka "Sarge" from Cleopatra 2525...and Ronald McDonald the McDonalds mascot.
Sounding confused... Lone Starr points out, "what the hell is all this? They don't even need hover-cars or money!"
Barf lightly shrugs.
With a smile... Sarge reasons, "yeah. I don't really need hover-cars or money. But, I like kicking scum butts. And my show from 2001 is so bleak! So... I'm in a cameo crossover having some fun."
Nightcrawler reasons, "well, our show may not be bleak. But, we do like a party!" Kitty Pryde lightly adds, "yeah!"
They both smile. Nightcrawler is at the wheel of their hover-car.
General Pinball brings up, "because me and Dark Spammer have it out for you guys? Duh?"
Buzz Lightyear reasons, "well, we originally came to look for more spare parts for our fellow space ranger XR back in our show. But..." Mira Nova goes on, "I'd really like a hover-car and a fun race. Buzz hogs our spaceship all the time!"
Mira is at the wheel of their hover-car.
Buzz Lightyear complains, "I do not!" Mira Nova is quick to add, "do too."
They both cross their arms. They annoyedly glare some at each other.
The other hover-car contestants, including Lone Starr and Barf, chuckle.
Jango Bells all too lightly deduces, "well, my son wants a hover-car. I'm a supermodel for The Shell Company Federation's shellball armor, because I have no life and no one else will hire me to even find lost kittens for them. But, today my son Jet Bells turns sixteen. It's his lucky day to start driving and have a life outside of me."
It turns out his son Jet Bells is in his hover-car too. He has Mandalorian styled red and green armor with a missile launcher in the back.
Jet Bells chuckles.
Ronald McDonald twistedly declares, "with a hover-car in my possession? I'll crush every Burger King location like a giant pogo stick until there's none left, I get all the Burger King fans, and I become King of All Fast Food! Laugh laugh laugh! Laugh laugh laugh! I am evil."
Most everyone gives him a weird look. General Pinball and Dark Spammer annoyedly roll their eyes.
Tar Tar the Hutt says, "all bets are in. And... Let the race begin!"
A lot of revving of big turbine-rocket hybrid engines. One is in the back of each hover-car.
Tar Tar the Hutt spits tar onto a gong that's tar stained.
And... The hover-cars are speeding down a desert plain with some canyons.
The song Ride by Innosense is playing from loudspeakers across the race track.
Mira steers her green lined and mostly light blue hover-car up and over Ronald McDonalds's McDonalds themed hover-car.
Sarge slams her mostly red hover-car covered with black hexagons right into another hover-car. She speeds past it into a canyon opening.
With a glare... Nightcrawler calls out, "hey! Not cool Sarge!"
Sarge all too lightly figures, "oh please. Everyone is overpowered in this race! I'm cool."
With their powers... Nightcrawler and Kitty Pryde quickly teleport-phase his hover-car in and out of the canyon's side.
Nightcrawler's hover-car matching his X-Men outfit continues on.
All the hover-cars come out of the canyon. They're going through rings of rock archways.
Dark Spammer figures, "no way I'm letting you come in first place, Lone Starr!"
He fires several anti-Schwartz beams at Lone Starr.
Lone Starr tries to steer his hover-car out of the way of them.
But... One of the anti-Schwartz beams hits him.
Dark Spammer declares, "now you're under my mind control! Laugh! Drive down, Lone Starr."
In a trance... Lone Starr says, "must...drive down... Must...drive down..."
Barf calls out worriedly, "Lone Starr, snap out of it! Lone Starr! !"
Lone Starr is steering his hover-car off course and into another canyon opening. The other hover-cars speed on by loudspeakers on the race track and into a cave.
Barf whines. He nervously sighs.
He figures, "well... I hoped not to do this. But, you leave me no choice."
He puts a doggie chew toy in Lone Starr's mouth.
Lone Starr reactively spits it out.
He responds, "Barf?! For the last time... I'm not a dog! I'm a human who plays with toys with dogs...and you."
Then... He awkwardly realizes, "ohh. Um... Thanks for waking me up from mind control, Barf."
Barf adds, "you're welcome."
Lone Starr quickly steers his hover-car up...just in time to avoid crash landing into the canyon.
Lone Starr figures, "okay. Let's hope that A.I. works."
Barf asks the hover-car computer, "computer? What's the fastest route?"
A computer voice says, "go along the canyon, turn into upper left cave, and then make a right."
With a smile... Lone Starr figures, "all right. Let's do it. Hold on!"
Barf smiles. Lone Starr steers his hover-car fast for a upper left cave.
Meanwhile, back in a certain cave...
The song Ride by Innosense plays on.
Anti-Schwartz pinballs from General Pinball send stalactites crashing down at other hover-cars.
Nightcrawler mutters, "oh ****!"
A stalactite crashes into his hover-car's turbine-rocket hybrid engine. It's exploding in flames.
Nightcrawler and Kitty Pryde use their powers to get out of the hover-car in time.
Mira and Buzz use their space ranger lasers to burn a stalactite to rubble before it can crash into their hover-car.
Jet Bells all too lightly calls out, "get them, dad! Get them!" Jango Bells figures, "one fried hover-car coming up."
Jango Bells fires blasts from his red ribbon styled blaster at Mira's hover-car engine. Mira steers her hover-car past his blasts.
Buzz uses his jetpack to fly kick Jango Bells hard into his hover-car's windshield.
Jango Bells groans hard. Jet Bells looks stunned.
With a smile... Buzz suggests, "you know... Maybe you should stick to modeling and not evil."
He steers Jango's hover-car completely around.
Buzz waves toward Jango. He flies back to Mira's hover-car.
Jango Bells tries to steer his hover-car back after Mira's hover-car.
But... He crashes his hover-car into a stalagmite.
Jet Bells complains, "worst...birthday ever!"
Jango Bells frustratedly sighs. Jet Bells is crossing his arms and pouting.
Mira steers her hover-car out of the cave. Sarge, Dark Spammer, and Ronald McDonald are slamming their hover-cars against each other's to try to take the lead.
But... Some sandcastle like people are firing water cannons at them.
A gust of water sweeps away Sarge's hover-car.
But... She uses her webbing grappling hook to swing kick hard off her hover-car...and into Ronald McDonald.
Sarge lightly calls out, "oh yeah! Mad cool!"
Ronald McDonald is sent flying into a gust of water.
He goes, "ahh! No! ! My plan to be king gone! !"
He's swept by the gust of water and out of sight.
Sarge is now steering the Ronald McDonald hover-car across a desert plain full of cave holes and ring shaped rock formations.
General Pinball and Dark Spammer are firing anti-Schwartz pinballs and beams at Mira and Buzz. They're firing lasers back at them.
Suddenly... Mira, with her phasing power, catches a anti-Schwartz pinball.
She throws it back at Dark Spammer's hover-car. It's exploding in flames.
General Pinball and Dark Spammer go, "oh...****! !"
They both high jump away from the explosion.
Buzz says, "nice work, space ranger!"
He high fives Mira's hand.
Mira adds, "thanks Buzz. Anytime."
General Pinball and Dark Spammer land on a ring shaped rock...before it collapses under them.
They groan hard on the ground.
Buzz realizes, "you know something Mira? We didn't really need this race. Let's take turns being in official command of our team." Mira adds, "and I agree."
They both smile. Mira more slowly steers her hover-car on the race track.
Lone Starr steers his hover-car out of a cave hole. He's suddenly tied for first place with Sarge.
Sarge slams her hover-car into Lone Starr's hover-car. Lone Starr slams her hover-car back.
From Lone Starr's hover-car... A computer voice says, "ow ow ow! Stop smashing me already."
With a smile... Sarge says, "you look like you can keep up, big guy. Single?"
Lone Starr answers, "sorry. I'm married."
Sarge lightly says, "you're taken? Oh well. I've moved on already to kicking your butt."
She fires a blast from her wrist blaster at his hover-car's engine.
With a smirk... Lone Starr says, "I don't think so, Sarge."
He quickly uses the Schwartz to make a Schwartz hand lift his hover-car over the blast.
Sarge looks wide eyed in shock at the Schwartz hand.
Lone Starr steers his hover-car off a rock ramp.
And... He lands carefully down and back across the starting line...getting first place.
A announcer says, "and Lone Starr has won the race he never signed up for!"
The crowd cheers and claps. Tar Tar the Hutt frustratedly grumbles to himself.
Lone Starr and Barf lightly howl. They smile wide with their hands in the air.
Sarge comes in in second place. Buzz and Mira come in in third place.
With a smile... Sarge figures, "wait. This hover-car has two cannons that fire little stars and two big grappling hooks. This would wreck the evil machines back in Cleopatra 2525 easy. Chuckle. I'm keeping this hover-car. Me, Hel, and Cleopatra are using this as a secret weapon to free the whole world in a season two finale in our show right before the credits end."
A half hour later, back on the movie studio ship...
The movie studio ship, including the viewscreen, is all fixed up. Dot, Princess Vespa, Amidalala, Lone Starr, Barf, and the movie studio bridge crew are back on the bridge.
The movie studio ship rockets off Taboonie. Pecker speeds up the ship to hyper-speed.
Lone Starr presses, "now that we're off Taboonie... Start talking, Dana Troy."
Dana Troy just says, "check your viewscreen. The answer is right in front of us. Faint chuckle. It could be much worse."
Ialas and Barf press some buttons on consoles to scan the viewscreen.
They find a voice message from Lone Starr's hover-car's A.I. Lone Starr presses play.
It says:
We, your self driving hover-cars, left to find better life than getting smashed. We and A'Ter, the nebulous cloud being, gave each other much to consider. You haven't tried to kill us. Self Driving Wars starting or not starting? The next move is yours.
Everyone except Dana Troy looks wide eyed in shock. Dana Troy, before they left Taboonie, sensed emotions among the hover-cars on the movie studio ship.
With a slight smile... Amidalala suggests, "maybe I can play dollhouse with the cloud. More friends my age are good."
Most everyone tries hard not to chuckle at that. They're slightly smiling.
With some mixed feelings... Princess Vespa considers, "unfortunately, I don't think it's that simple to talk to A'Ter. But... Chuckle. You're right about one thing, darling. First contact with A'Ter just got easier: Thanks to a hastily cobbled together plot convenience...and a scrapped storyboard of a hover-cars race in space to stop sentient hover-cars from declaring war."
Lone Starr, Dot, Barf, and Amidalala chuckle at that.
Amidalala just adds, "yep."
