December 24, 1997
He stared in the mirror at his youthful face, all of twelve years old, and wondered how after so much practice he could still be so nervous. Since August, he'd been rehearsing the song "Panis Angelicus" to play for church on Christmas Eve, and at that point he could probably zip through it in his sleep. So why did he feel so much anxiety?
The song was simple enough and his granddad had taught him everything he knew about fiddle playing, so why did he have crippling doubts in his abilities as he stood in the back of the church where all the kids were getting ready for the pageant.
It was hard for Robert to have confidence in himself, no matter how hard he tried or how much he read and practiced. No matter what he did, he never felt like he'd done enough. If he played through a song and missed a note, he'd focus more on the mistake than the triumph of getting through the piece. Even if he played with no errors, he still felt he could have done something more. He was excellent for his age, playing at the level of an 18-year-old despite his youth, but it still wasn't enough for him.
Then, of course, there were his parents who didn't help his situation. His mum, Elizabeth, loved him but wasn't around too much. If she wasn't out with her girlfriends at a bar or event, she was at home on the couch with a crystal glass of clear liquid that made her angry and sleepy. He wasn't a fan of his mom when she drank not only because she liked to get out of control, but because she didn't act like she was his mum. Many times, he felt like he was her parent, and she was an unruly child he'd have to pick up after and prevent from getting injured.
His dad was...well, never around. Rowan made a habit out of working late at the hospital, conducting research to craft a new papers to be published, or schmoozing the rich and famous of Australia to donate money to his charitable organizations. There was no doubt in Robert's mind that his dad was a positive force in the world and tried to help people, but his son just wasn't one of those he cared to help. Countless birthdays, holidays, and events went by where Rowan was too busy to participate and left Robert to fend for himself. It bothered Robert who wished like hell his dad would be around more, but he didn't say anything about it.
He knew his dad hated weak men, and he didn't want to be like that.
So, he sucked it up no matter how badly his father's absence hurt him.
He also knew his dad wasn't very approving of his passion for the fiddle, but that was something else entirely. Rowan would have rather seen his only child spending time reading textbooks and working on homework than playing music that would get him nowhere in life, even if it was something Robert loved to do. His happiness was less of a concern to his father whereas the appearance to others was priority. Bragging to his medical peers about his son's talent with music was not as good as being able to say the boy was top of his class or looking to become a doctor someday.
He was, in many ways, a bit of a disappointment to his dad.
And when he gazed at his face in the mirror, pale skin and floppy blonde hair cut short, all he could see was disappointment. There was no feeling worse on the earth to Robert than disappointment.
Out in the pews sat hundreds of Christmas Eve worshipers who cheerfully awaited the start of the holiday service. Christmas Eve was by far the busiest service the Catholic Church had all year, and people from all over attended in traditional fashion. Amongst those in the audience were Robert's grandparents from his mother's side, Nathaniel, and Lenora Thompson.
They were different.
They were like the parents he never had, even though he technically did have parents...perhaps they were the parents he'd always wanted. They offered him unconditional love and support, respected him, and most of all they were proud of him. Robert was an exceptional young man: he was smart as a whip even though he didn't like to brag about it, musically talented, and kinder than anyone his age. He had a heart of gold and even with all of the crap he lived with (his grandparents saw it all), he still managed to not let hate into his heart. He was positive to a fault.
The problem with Nathaniel and Lenora was that they lived an hour away by train, so it wasn't often that Robert got to see them. Luckily, they called him frequently to keep tabs on him and find out how he was doing. If they could, they would have taken him from his mum and dad who barely noticed his existence, but Nathaniel held out hope that they would pull it together for Robert's sake, even when the word divorce entered their vocabulary.
"You look nervous," Nathaniel whispered to his wife as they sat in a pew close to the front of the Chapple, eager to see their grandson's performance, "I told you there's nothing to worry about! Robert and I practiced this song a million times over the past few months! He's a talented kid Lenora!"
"I'm not nervous about his performance," she replied gazing around the front and back of the church. She was looking for something, but it was unclear to Nathaniel what.
"What are you looking for?" His eyebrow raised in confusion.
"I don't see Elizabeth or Rowan...I hope they make it for Robert's sake."
"Oh, don't worry about them, he's got us! Besides, I brought the camcorder so we can record the performance and play it for them later!"
Nathaniel thought he was helping the situation, but Lenora knew better.
She knew her daughter and knew that Elizabeth could be a selfish woman sometimes. The girl struggled with her emotions all her life and maybe it was her parent's fault for not seeking treatment, but nevertheless she'd always been a bit of a mess. From tantrums to episodes of depression, Lenora lived in the reality that her daughter was a sick, sick woman. Nathaniel just didn't see it that way. He thought Robert was good for Elizabeth and that he cheered her up which was one of the reasons he cited to his wife why taking Robert in would not be beneficial for the boy. That and, of course, the two of them were getting older.
"She better show up," Lenora sounded angry, "this is a big moment for Robert."
"Relax, she will," Nathaniel tried to calm her down.
"Rowan too. There's nothing more important than being here for their son."
Minutes later the priest came out, chorus began singing, and the service was in full swing. Pews were packed to capacity with people, leaving some individuals standing towards the back of the grand cathedral with no seats available. Lenora gazed around the space once more to see if her daughter or son-in-law were pushed in the back with the crowd, but there was no sign of them. She let out a disappointed sigh, frustrated by the lack of responsibility in the two parents and the denial her husband was in that Elizabeth was a competent mother.
Lenora knew her daughter wasn't suited to have Robert live with her, and deep down she knew that Elizabeth and Rowan we're heading down the path of divorce. Elizabeth was a drunk and Rowan was a cheater, she just prayed to God that Robert didn't take on any of those traits.
"Tonight, is a night of celebration because the Lord Jesus Christ is born!" Father Donovan preached to the crowd, "and I'd like to present a special sermon. Tonight, we will have our normal Christmas pageant as well as a solo on the piano by Gerald Eckhardt and a solo on the violin by Robert Chase."
Nathaniel anxiously held the camcorder during the first performance wishing it would end quickly and they'd move on to his grandson who'd worked so hard on his solo. Sure enough after a few missed notes and a sympathetic round of applause, Gerald left the alter and was replaced by Robert in his nicest tweed brown suit, red and green striped tie and shiny black shoes. The boy didn't know his grandparents were amongst the strangers before him which would have calmed his nerves. Happily, Nathaniel began recording.
As the grand organ filled the room with the opening notes of "Panis Angelicus", Robert stood before the crowd with his grand dad's violin in one hand and horsehair bow in the other. There were so many people, so many faces and he scanned the crowd to see if his parents were amongst the holiday visitors, but he didn't see them. As the bars were dwindling down and his que was coming up, he reluctantly picked up the instrument and placed it on his shoulder.
The first note came out of the violin so beautifully, Robert couldn't even believe it. The tone was excellent, the vibrato spot on, this technique so good that artists twice his age would be jealous. It was like he'd been taken over by a much more talented individual and his fingers simply slid across the fret board in the most precise, enchanting manner.
He stood with no sheet music in front of him, he didn't want a crutch. He'd been practicing long and hard for that moment, and his granddad always told him that girls weren't impressed by guys who could read and understand things, but more so by guys who would remember and perform. That's how Nathaniel had gotten Lenora to date him, by standing outside her window and playing the most bouncy melody until she reluctantly agreed to go out with him so he'd stop playing. At first she was embarrassed by his foolish playing but as she got to know him she realized that the music was a part of his soul.
Robert had that same gift in his soul whether he chose to embrace it or not.
The closing bars of the song were approaching with loud dramatic notes that faded into soft, subtle melodies. His fingers shook on the vibrating metal strings as he gave a healthy dose of vibrato and tapered off the final note. He'd done it, he'd played the song perfectly in front of an audience with no sheet music. He thought he wouldn't make it, figured he'd mess up a note or lose the accompanist along the way, but it had all gone so perfectly.
The audience clapped and cheered with admiration for the twelve-year-old who held himself like an adult and how managed to impress people of all ages and backgrounds. He took two small bows before anxiously running back around the alter to the room he got ready in. As he stared into the mirror he saw a wide grin spread across his face.
He'd done it.
He hadn't seen his parents in the audience, but it was a packed house, surely they were there to see all of his hard work and he just missed them in the crowd. Everything had gone so perfectly, it had to be the work of God smiling down on the blonde boy and blessing him with the family moment he craved so badly.
The service wrapped up and Robert sprinted out into the crowd with his violin case in hand to find his parents who he was certain would be beaming with pride. Sure, his dad wasn't too happy that he was channeling energy into playing a musical instrument, but he had to see how impressed people were by his playing skills. And his mum, well she loved to hear him play so she would certainly smile and give him a pat on the back.
As he wandered through the throngs of people, various individuals came over and told him what a wonderful job he did and how he should be so proud of himself. He politely said thank you and moved along but as the chapel cleared out he found that his parents weren't there. Maybe they went home early? His dad was a busy man and his mom could have had plans with friends afterwards or something. It was a lousy way to spend Christmas Eve, but he figured it was better that they came and saw him than nothing at all.
"Robert!" He heard a male voice call out and excitedly spun around to see his granddad behind him, "you were incredible! I'm so proud of you, kiddo!"
Nathaniel wrapped Robert up in a tight embrace and the child was happy and surprised for a moment: he hadn't expected his grandparents to make it to his performance.
"You were wonderful, my little Tarzan!" His grandmum beamed with pride, using the nickname lovingly bestowed upon him because of his love for climbing trees.
After hugs and pleasantries, Robert gazed at his grandparents and couldn't help display a small hint of disappointment. He couldn't be happier than they were there or more thankful for their praises, but he was sincerely hoping to see his mum and dad there. How could they not have come to see him play? As emotions tossed in his body like a ship on a stormy sea, he kept quiet to avoid saying something stupid or even worse, crying. He felt like he'd been punched in the gut when he didn't see them, like he had a lump in the back of his throat that you only get when tears are about to flow from your eyes.
"Honey what's wrong?" His grandmum questioned and held him close to her chest, "why do you look so sad on such a happy night?"
He didn't want to say anything. His dad hated men who cried and he didn't want to be one of them.
"Nothing, I'm fine," he lied, but his grandmum and granddad could see right through it. Feeling his heart get heavy with guilt, Nathaniel knelt down to a Robert's level and flashed him a sweet smile.
"My boy, you did wonderful tonight. Your dad got called in for an emergency and your mom...well she had to take care of something else. But I got your performance on tape and when they get home later we're all going to watch it together, I promise!" He lied knowing full well that Rowan and Elizabeth had no good reasons to miss out on Robert's performance, "now let's go back to your house! Your grandmum made those cookies you like!"
Robert flashed a smile to give his granddad to signal that he understood the time constraints of his father's job, but that didn't mean he wasn't still sad that they didn't make it. Blissfully, Robert, Nathaniel, and Lenora walked their way to the family's home a mile away in the warm Australian heat, ate cookies, and laughed about this and that. Before sending him to bed, Nathaniel wrapped his grandson up in a tight embrace once more.
"I couldn't ask for a better grandson," he confessed, "you remember that I love you with everything in my heart, and that I'm proud of you."
The words 'I'm proud of you' were seldom directed towards Robert in any kind of meaningful way.
Hours later while he was supposed to be asleep, Robert heard the front door open and his dad's shoes on the hardwood floor along with his mom's spiked heels clicking and clacking in the entrance way.
"Where the hell were you!" Robert heard his granddad speak harshly in hushed tones towards his parents and he crept towards the staircase leading down to the first floor, "you missed Robert's performance tonight!"
"What performance?" Rowan questioned as he removed his shoes and put them neatly in the closet.
"Oh shit, that was tonight?" Elizabeth sounded drunk as usual.
"Yes, yes it was! And you two missed it! How could you miss it?" Nathaniel was pissed and was trying to keep his voice down so as not to awaken his sleeping grandson (little did he know the boy was listening at the top of the stairs), but he was so filled with rage that it was a challenge.
"It's not that big a deal," Elizabeth tried to explain in drunken slurs, "we'll make it up to him...maybe go-."
"It was a huge deal!" Lenora added in, proud that her husband was finally standing up to the couple who were beyond irresponsible.
"Listen, you know that Christmas Eve is the hospital fundraiser and I had to be there. It was very important that I be in attendance and make my speech. If I'm not there, people don't donate," Rowan tried to explain, but Nathaniel just stared daggers at him.
How disappointing it was to hear that the parents of a talented child would choose to attend a fundraiser, and drink rather than watch their kid perform.
"You don't know it," Nathaniel began in a stern tone, "but your son is incredibly talented. He was looking for you both there tonight and you let him down. Nothing you can do can change that. I lied to cover for you so he didn't realize you cared more about your job than his performance, but you should really-."
"Frankly I don't even know why you insisted on teaching him that bloody thing. I told you I don't want him wasting time on silly things like playing the violin," Rowan had a cold feeling to his voice and walked over to Nathaniel in a way that could be seen as intimidation. Rowan was the kind of guy that most everybody liked because he was a good talker, but Nathaniel could always see past the polished exterior to the cold, ungrateful, unhappy interior.
"Rowan, you and I see things very differently in this world, and I know you think you're the smartest person on this planet, but I'm about to give you the best piece of advice you've ever gotten: make time for that kid. He's got a good heart, he has talent, and he's yours. If you put work over him your gonna turn that sweet, kind kid into an insecure depressed young man. More than that, he's gonna resent you for the rest of his life and when you and Elizabeth get divorced, which we all know is just years away, and he doesn't see you on a daily basis, he's gonna forget about you. And you're gonna wake up one day totally alone and wonder where your long lost son is. He'll have a career, a wife, a couple of kids of his own, and you won't know the first thing about any of them. Remember that!" Nathaniel grit through his teeth, hoping to God that the man would listen and take the words to heart, but Rowan simply sneered and walked off into the kitchen.
"We're not getting divorced!" Elizabeth stumbled through her words, the smell of gin heavy in her breath, "and you have a hell of a nerve coming into my house and giving us parenting advise! Robert's 12 years old, practically a man, and he can take care of himself!"
Lenora and Nathaniel just gazed at each other, their eyes communicating an entire conversation without ever opening their mouths. Should they take Robert back to their home? Would he be safe with his parents? Was it in his best interest to stay with them?
It was hard to answer any of those questions but one thing was certain: Rowan and Elizabeth weren't as serious about being parents as they should have been. Robert had heard the entire conversation, the cold tone of his father's voice and the anger in his granddad's, and rather than be angry at his mum and dad he found himself being thankful for his grandparents. Where would he be without them?
The next morning Robert slowly climbed down the stairs to find his parents and grandparents surrounding the family room television. For having a doctor for a dad, the home they lived in was a basic dwelling and the items in the house were simple and modest.
"Come here, Tarzan!" His grandmum spoke up sitting next to his mum and dad on the couch, "we're gonna watch your performance!"
"I can't wait to watch!" His mum smiled through a hangover headache. He scurried over and sat on the floor in front of the TV.
Christmas morning was never perfect in his house, but having his parents and grandparents watch his performance cheered him up from the night before, especially when his mum complimented him on how well he played.
"I'm so proud of you!" His granddad kept telling him; it was like he thought he needed to tell Robert over and over again because he knew no one else would.
"You were amazing!" Grandmum hugged him.
"I'm so sorry we couldn't be there," Elizabeth tried to be a good mum, "your dad had an emergency, and my car wouldn't start. But you were incredible!"
When Robert gazed over at his dad who bitterly sat at the end of the couch, he noticed that he did not share the same enthusiasm as the others. It could have been, perhaps, because of the harsh words spoken to him by Nathaniel the evening before or maybe it was the fact that Robert actually did have talent.
"Not bad," was all Rowan could utter with a forced smile.
While other kids around the world were happily opening dozens of beautifully wrapped packages, Robert was just thankful to have his family together, peacefully.
