Susan Pevensie felt like she had been picked up, turned upside-down, shaken violently, and then plopped back down like a rag doll on the floor of the wardrobe room. In the span of ten seconds, she had gone from being a queen of Narnia back to being an English girl in the middle of the war. It was so disorienting. She had stayed in Narnia for years and had grown into an adult woman. She was beautiful; she had been sought after by kings and nobles. Now she was fourteen years old again. Was Narnia just a dream? Had she been that engrossed in Lucy's pretending game? But the others had been there, too. Still, she felt that the four of them would have had to have spent at least an hour in the wardrobe to come up with the story that seemed to spin itself around them while they were in there. Yet now they were out, and no time at all had passed. Just like when Lucy went in the first time. Was the wardrobe really magical? Susan tried it again before they left the professor's house. To her disappointment, it was just an ordinary wardrobe again.

"You won't be getting into Narnia that way again." Susan nearly jumped out of her skin and whirled around. Professor Kirke had caught her. "Magic is a funny thing. It only happens when you're not looking for it. I suggest you stop looking altogether. But you will return one day-when you least expect it."

#

That day came a year later. The land was different, but familiar, like a dream you had had before. She was here again! Narnia was real!

Caspian was handsome. Susan remembered her previous time in Narnia. She had never married. She hadn't counted it a lost opportunity, but now she was fifteen, and was discovering new feelings. She thought again about how she had been swarmed by numerous suitors the last time she was in Narnia. She waited for Caspian to approach her.

When he never did, Susan wondered if she should speak up first. She didn't know how long it would be before she went back to England this time, for she had a sinking feeling that she would return again.

And then it was time to go back. Susan mumbled to Caspian, now the king of Narnia, something about how he always had her horn in case he needed to call her again. He just laughed. It wasn't in ridicule at her, but that's how she took it. Susan walked through the door in the air, never once looking back. Narnia had been enjoyable, but it had all been her imagination. She was done with childhood fantasies forever.

She hated it when Lucy brought up Narnia again in the future. It was a cause of pain for her, but her sister's greatest joy. Lucy insisted she, Edmund, and their cousin Eustace had sailed with Caspian on board his ship the Dawn Treader. When Lucy mentioned how Caspian had looked at the lady Lilliandil, Susan couldn't take it anymore. "Cut it out, Lucy! Stop dwelling on those silly, childish games we used to play! We're both grown up now, and I don't have time for make-believe!"

"But it was real!" Lucy insisted. The only thing that was real to Susan was the pain at not being able to go back.

#

They were all dead. Father, Mother, Peter, Edmund, Lucy, Eustace. Even old Professor Kirke. All killed in a railway accident. Susan sat down heavily on her bed. Everyone she had ever loved, gone. In one day.

Susan looked at her desk. It was strewn with papers, many of them drawings. A lamppost in a wintry wood. Four thrones in a castle by the seashore. A faun walking with a human girl. A golden lion. She tossed them all to the floor. She threw her pencils on the ground; some broke in half. She went over to her bookshelf, found all the books of fairy tales and fantasy, and dashed them to the carpet, not caring how the pages crumpled and bent. One book landed in front of the drawing of the lion. She picked it up. "Why?" she asked, anguished. The lion's face seemed to be looking right at her, as if to say, "Don't ask questions you can never know the answer to. Just trust me." Susan didn't feel like trusting. She only felt anger boiling inside. "Why wasn't I allowed to go back? Why wasn't I also on that train?!" She ripped the lion drawing in half and stomped on the pieces.

#

The funeral was over, but Susan couldn't leave the church just yet. She was looking at two paintings on the wall. One depicted the crucifixion of Jesus. He was hanging limply on the cross; a crown of thorns pressing into his brow; blood flowing down his broken, beaten body. He was naked except for strips of linen wrapped around his waist. Two women were standing at the foot of the cross, weeping. The sky in the painting was dark and storming.

The other painting showed a garden in the early morning. Jesus was walking out of a stone tomb right in the middle of the painting. His hands were outstretched, his nail-scarred palms facing the viewer. Sun rays shone down on him.

Susan stared at the hands. What was it Lucy had once said that Aslan had told her? You shall meet me in your world, dear one. But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there.

Susan was hit with a realization that had taken her years to come to. This is the Lion who was killed, but is now alive again. This whole time, I've been closer to Him than I thought. Just a plea, just a prayer, just one step away from Him. Susan bowed her head. "Forgive me, Lord. I couldn't see it."

She heard a strong, yet gentle voice speak to her heart. There was no audible voice, but she heard it plain as day. Dear child, your eyes have been opened. I have pursued you for years, and now you know sweet surrender. Remember, my grace is sufficient for you.

As Susan left the church, the words to a familiar hymn ran through her head:

What a friend we have in Jesus!

All our sins and griefs to bear.

What a privilege to carry

Everything to God in prayer!

#

"Susan Pevensie died peacefully in her sleep at the age of eighty-five," the obituary read. Though her time in this world was over, a new adventure was beginning.

#

Susan opened her eyes. She was standing at the top of a hill; below her was Lantern Waste, and to the east was Cair Paravel! She was in Narnia again! How can this be?

"Susan!" Her siblings and parents were running up to meet her! Lucy trapped her in a giant hug. "There's so much to see and so many people to meet! Come with us!"

Then Aslan approached the happy reunion. Everyone knelt as he passed by them. He halted in front of Susan. "Welcome home, my child," came his deep, gentle voice.

"Oh, Aslan!" was all she could say. She buried her face in his soft, golden mane. She had come back. She was here to stay.


A/N: "Once a king or queen in Narnia, always a king or queen," so I'm sure C. S. Lewis meant for Susan to be redeemed. I think she just had a "valley period" in her faith.