DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Saban. Columbia Pictures Television. And Now, without further ado...

MARRIED...WITH CHILDREN
by C.A. TURNER

Jason Lee Bundy was ticked off, as usual. His wife, Ashley, wanted sex, but wasn't gonna get any until she at least cooked dinner, which she never did. His kids were nothing to brag about either: Kat was the neighborhood harlot, and his son Justin was a sneak thief of the highest order. His neighbors, Cassie & Andros Rhodes, loved to come over and flaunt in their faces about how much better their lives were. Or, usually were. Today, Cassie was crying over the death of her aunt, and Andros was disgusted because her $82 million inheritance went to her 9 cats. "Damn neuveau cats!" he snarled.

Today, however, Jason has reason to smile. "Tomorrow, we're gonna have a Labor Day cookout at home!"

Grumbling ensued.

"Shut up, this is my day. A day for the working man. Not Leech Day, that's Christmas. Not Parasite Day, that's Valentine's Day. So, tomorrow, unless, god willing, I die in my sleep, I get up, for me, and celebrate for me! Tomorrow is Jason Lee BunDay!

The next day, Jason was lounging out on the back porch, singing Queen's Another One Bites The Dust, when Ashley came up with a bucket full of soapy water and a scrubrush. "Owww, this is heavy, you wanna give me a hand?" Ashley moaned.

Jason applauded.

Sarcasm iced what she said next. "Thanks, Jace, I can take it from here."

"Ashley, you know I gotta save my energy if you expect sex tonight."

"SEX tonight? I feel nauseous, queasy, and tired. It's like I already had sex with you. So, just forget about tonight. When this day ends, I am going upstairs and sleep for a week! My arms ache, my legs ache, my back is killing me! GOD! You know, I could die from this!" While she was saying this, she was cleaning the picnic table, and turning Jason on, somehow. Jason walked over, and tapped Ashley on the shoulder.

Ashley looked at him in disgust. "Alright, now what other dirty, filthy thing you want me to do?"

Jason got this perverted look in his eyes.

Ashley's look turned to that of horror. "Oh, no! But, I'm so tired!" She protested as Jason took her right there on the table.

"I HATE YOU JASON! I really, really hate you!" Ashley snapped. She was cleaning the picnic table again after they had their fling on it.

"You know," she snarled "...a gentleman would have said 'Thanks for the good time, babe. How about letting me clean that bird doody while you rest.' But not you! You are a pig, Jason! And my arms are killing me!"

Jason was still watching her, Ashley's hips twisting as she moved. "Scrub harder." was all he said.

"It still won't come off. Somebody help me." Ashley then yelled at Jason once again "Don't just sit there, do something!"

Jason was about to do something. He walked up to Ashley, tapped her on the shoulder, and had that same look as before.

Ashley got this terrified look on her face. "Oh, no, no, I'm so tired, nooooo!"

Ashley was now lying on the picnic table weakly whispering {water}

An extremely happy Jason walked back out singing Another One Bites The Dust, then smiled, "Hey, babe!"

Ashley choked out "water."

"No time for that now, Ash, gotta get ready for the barbecue, oh, by the way, don't clean my grill." Jason told her.

"It's filthy, Jase. Don't you want me to lick it clean so we can have sex again?"

Jason told her "No. I like it just the way it is, last year's grease on the grill, last year's ashes inside the grill, that's what makes the Bundyburger so special. I'm gonna go get ready, and would you mind cleaning that spot where your hair got caught on that nail? I feel good, don't you?" he said, laughing as he went inside.

Ashley snarled to herself "I HATE labor day! The jury's still out on barbecues! And I HATE buzzards circling while I'm having sex!" Walking back to get the bucket, she accidentally knocked over the grill, ashes scattering everywhere.

"OH, NO! HE'S GONNA KILL ME! Where-where am I gonna get ashes?" Ashley freaked. She then unwrapped a entire pacet of cigarettes, lit them all, and crouched over the reset grill, smoking into it, just as Kat & Justin came home with essentials for their BBQ.

Justin looked at Kat. "She's turning into grandma before our very eyes."

Ashley looked at her children. "Kids, mommy needs a little help. You see, I knocked over daddy's grill, and lost his ashes." This brought gasps of horror from both of them.

Kat spoke then "I guess you're out of here then, huh, mom? Justin, you're the woman of the house now!" she said, draping an arm over her brother.

"I don't think it's gonna come to that. You see, we have one thing in our favor. Every other family in the neighborhood is having a good time away from home, except us. That means, it's open season on their houses. S I want you to check grills, ovens, & fireplaces for ashes. Oh, and whoever goes over to the DeSantos' house, bring me a Dr. Pepper. Hurry up!" Ashley said, sending the 2 away again. She then looked into the sky screaming "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"

Jason called from the house "I can!" Then in singsong voice, he said "Come to Daddy!"

Ashley entered the house, weeping as she did.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Both Kat & Justin had just returned, when Ashley came out of the house, a mess, and embarressed, finally managing to say "I hate Labor Day SO MUCH! You get the ashes?"

"Piece of cake. You know, you can learn a lot about someone by going through their house. You know, Leo Corbett, who lives down the block? He must be a real Ladies' man. He's a bachelor, but his entire closet is full of women's clothing." Justin announced.

Kat looked at her mother. "Pretty fancy thinking for a guy with no social life, huh, mom?"

Andros & Cassie walked in then. Andros spoke "Well, we got the groceries. Thanks so much for inviting us and making us pay for it. I still have $5.00 if you need to get the fire going."

Cassie spoke up then "Andros, before we eat, I'm just gonna check on Aunt Tuney..."

"Cassie, she's gone. Dead. Fried. Dust. Paying sailors in hell!" Andros shouted.

"You know, Aunt Tuney never liked you!"

"She didn't like anything that didn't rub it's face back and forth across her pot belly!"

Kat quickly interruped "Where's dad?"

Ashley told her "He's getting ready, honey, and you know what that means.

Inside, you could hear 'Bad To The Bone' as Jason got ready to cook on the grill. Oven mitt, chef's hat, tongs, spatulas, and an apron, which simply said how he felt about his life...

KISS THE COOK, KILL THE WIFE!

Then, with this predatory look in his eye, he said "Let's cook."

Finally, Jason came out, ready to do business.

Andros looked relieved. "Finally. We can eat."

Ashley corrected him "Not just yet."

Jason began to speak "Labor Day: Just what does it mean to us? You see, kids, while the cavewoman sat around getting fat, watching the Phil Java Man show, the caveman, braved the elements, risking life & limb..."

"...upon the prehistoric beasts, which with he supported his family..."

"...in 1492, Columbus brought Labor Day to America..."

-When will daddy STOP!- Kat thought to herself.

"...AND THE WOMEN STILL DID NOTHING!"

Cassie's head popped up in anger.

"...and that's what Labor Day means to me!" Jason finally finished.

Andros frowned "May we EAT now?"

"Not quite yet." Jason corrected.

"What other torture can he possibly inflict on us?" Cassie growled.

"O'er the land of the free, and the home of the brave!" Ashley sang, offkey because her throat was still dry.

Jason announced "And the burgers take the field!" Turning to Andros, he said "In exactly 11 minutes & 7 seconds, you're gonna sink your teeth into the best burger they ever yanked out of a cow!"

Andros told him "Ooh, Jase, you make it sound so good! But Cassie & I rarely eat red meat, so would you mind fixing this salmon I got?"

"A pleasure." Jason told him. Then, while Andros looked away, walking back to Cassie, he tossed it over the fence. -No fish will ever touch MY grill!- Jason thought to himself.

Ashley was having a hard time opening the ketchup. Jason saw her, and walked over, smiling as he said "We've still got 2 minutes before I have to turn the burgers. Come on, Ash, this is your lucky day!"

Ashley quickly opened it, shouting "It's open, Jase, really, it's open! And it wasn't hard at all!

Just as Jason took her into the living room, she screamed "OH, GOD!"

Jason began serving everyone. Andros asked "What happened to my fish?"

Jason quickly lied "It fell on the ground, eat up!" Turning to his kids, he asked, "Well?"

Justin told him "The greatest, dad!"

Kat simply said "Delicious!"

Jason looked at his wife. "Ashley?"

Ashley began to weep, walking into the house. Jason quickly said, "No, no, not that, I was asking, how's your burger?"

Ashley got this defiant look on her face, and said "I know what you want, you want me to say that it's tough & chewy, so that you can have your way again. Well, it's not! It's light, and fluffy, and melts in my mouth! HAH!"

Jason asked Andros "How's your burger?"

You know, I hate to admit it, but this is the best burger I ever had, what's your secret?"

"I sneak down to the nudie bar twice a month in order to make it through life."

"No, Jase, I meant your burgers?" Andros recanted.

"Oh, you see, I never clean my grill. Ashes from the past, for burgers of the future." Turning to Cassie, he said "You're not eating anything?"

Cassie shouted "How can I eat with you talking about ashes? It just makes me think about my poor Aunt Tuney, sitting upon the fireplace in her little urn."

Upon hearing this, Justin dropped his burger. "Excuse me, but, what did you say was in the little urn above your fireplace?"

"The ashes of my dead aunt." was all Cassie would say, which triggered warning bells for Justin, spitting up his burger, and scraping off his tongue. Justin then looked at Kat, and then waking her up, whispered, {KAT!}

"MMMMMMMMMMPPPPHHHHH!

Justin quickly repeated it for Kat, who spit up hers, grabbed a gallon jug of water, took a healthy swig, and spit it up over the neighbor's fence

"MOM!!" Kat told her, and revealed all to her. Ashley then spit the burger out of her mouth, gagging as she did so. Looking at Justin with that -I'm gonna kill you, you are so DEAD!- reading, Ashley began to chase Justin

Kat whispered to Andros, who got this smile on his face, and happily sank his teeth into his burger.

Jason finally turned to Cassie. "Come on, Cass, you're not eating anything, take a bite, you'll love it!"

Andros started "Cassie..."

"SHUT UP", GHOUL!"

"Alrighty." Andros said, as Cassie began to eat.

"Hey, this isn't bad. This is pretty good. Jason, I hate to be a party poop, it's just that I loved my aunt very much." Cassie took another bite. "This is delicious! But my aunt Tuney meant so much to me."

Jason consoled her "I understand, but sometimes we just have to put the dead behind us."

While they were talking, Andros & Kat retrieved whatever ashes they could from the grill.

Jason & Cassie were still talking. "You know, Aunt Tuney loved a good BBQ. I only wish she could be with us right now."

Jason told her "If it's any consolation, Cass, I'm sure she's here in spirit." He quickly spit out a bone, and added "But, if she were here, I'm sure she'd be saying what we're saying now: These are the best burgers this side of heaven!"

As Jason & Cassie enjoyed the food, Andros & Kat retrieved more ashes, and Ashley had caught Justin, and was strangling him.

THE END