Chapter 3: Knives
The key to winning any battle…the key to winning any contest…the key to winning any game…is having an ace up your sleeve. In this case it was in is robe, but close enough, don't you think? He had found it and it would soon be all over…
Nakago slowly reached into his purple robe and pulled out a…
"Nooooooo!" Hotohori cried as he realized what was happening.
…A STICK OF GRAPE BUBBLEGUM!!!
The crowd gasped, "GASP!"
Chichiri gaped, "GAPE, no da!"
Tasuki (!) yawned, "YAWN"
Miaka took out a bottle of sake.
Tamahome…well… he sang a tune, "I wanna stand with you on a mountain!"
A drunk Miaka broke the non-moment by saying, "Shut up Tamahome, you are ruining a tense moment…besides Savage Garden stinks." {the views of Miaka do not necessarily reflect the views of the author of this story besides…she's drunk}
"Nooooo!" Hoto-sama had not changed his expression from the moment when the secret weapon was revealed. Right as Nakago was unwrapping the stylish tin foil wrapper that concealed his prize, Tamahome had an idea. [all audience members gasp]
"If I steel his gum, then he can't eat it and I can…" he thought aloud.
"Uh, whatever. Loser!" Nakago gave him the "L" on the forehead sign in his normal Clueless way.
"Did I say that out loud?" Hotohori asked.
"Actually, you said it 'aloud' according to the smart alec, over bearing, over breathing, narrator with the dumb hat." Tasuki said to that guy whom he was sure he had met somewhere before but couldn't remember since he had such as awful hangover. A French girl walked over and gave him a sip of water to help his brain.
"Darn, my idea has backfired," said a stupefied Hotohori.
Out of no where, an algebra teacher walked across the court munching on a steak. He was contemplating proposing to his horse, but he couldn't because his student forgot to bring him the information on getting a horse so he gave up in defeat and decided he would have to marry his girl friend instead. On his way out, the Canadian dropped the steak.
"Stop there peasant, what is that thing thou art chewing upon?" Hotohori asked of the math teacher.
"Being preoccupied, he did not hear Hotohori's all to polite question, and that accent is so fake. Hey wait, I'm the narrator. I don't have to talk in quotes!" the idiot narrator realized. He had also failed to realize that in Latin the noun "templum" was not second declension because to be the subject of the sentence it would have to already be in the nominative case, not accusative, therefore, it would not take a masculine personal pronoun it would take a neuter personal pronoun because it was a third declension neuter noun. Duh!
Hotohori switched gears and tried another approach, "Answer me directly, thou knave. What profession art thou?"
"I beseech the sir, be not out with me, for if you are out with me, I can mend you, thou saucy fellow, but I am of a profession that I hope I am able to use with a clear conscience. And truly sire, I am…a cobbler." Mr. Hubbard said, though he wasn't sure where that came from.
"Dang Shakespeare, be gone!" Hoto (you know if he were (subjunctive mood) an owl, Hotohori's name would so be Hoto) said in disgust.
"Screw you, he already dropped the stake, I mean steak," Nakago said in realization. The piece of gum was cast aside at the thought of this much larger prize. The piece of gum soon felt a deep feeling of distress and its self worth was heading down the tubes. Before you knew it, that piece of gum was anorexic and willing to pay people to chew it. If that doesn't tell you something about self-esteem, you're a blockhead.
The only thing the tin foil gum wrapper thought was, "Not again…42" (I'll give you a) if you can tell me what book/book series I am referencing here, but not really.)
The two competitors rushed at the steak like Isiaci trainees who have just finished their ten-day fasting time, and began to quarrel over it like little French schoolgirls named Jean-Pier.
Nakago slapped Hotohori, and Hotohori spat on Nakago's ugly shoes. Nakago tried to fling his purse (oh, excuse me…European carry-all) at Hotohori, but he blocked it with his mighty mirror (don't ya just love alliteration?). Nakago reached out to pull Hotohori's hair, and that was the sledgehammer that broke the camel's back. Hotohori let out a great roar that would strike fear into the heart of yea mother.
Hotohori reared back about to deliver the finishing blow to his bloated nemesis….
"Hey, excuse me. Hello?"
It was the French woman, and she was standing on the hill surrounded by six other people.
"Excuse me but I am not Portuguese and I do not wear sun screen!" the French woman said again defiantly.
Ok, I never said you were Portuguese. Now, what do you want, we are trying to entertain these spunky kindergartners.
"Well these three are the Well Wenches, Pepper, Lori-ko, and M. This is Petro (love the restaurant by the way), and this is Daigle. I am Su-Z, Tama no miko, and these are the Tama seishi. We are looking for our seventh member. Are you by chance the water tower monk?"
"No but I did build a water tower out of clay in high school art once," the narrator said again forgetting that he didn't have to use quotes for himself.
"Wow they found a miko and all their seishi really quick, we must all be blooming idiots," Miaka said taking a swig of Nyquil.
"That'll work. There is only one other qualification you need. You must have a kanji written somewhere on you in white."
"Not a problem. " the narrator lifted up his way cool home made hat and revealed the kanji for "baka" written on his forehead.
"Hop aboard then," Su-Z said.
The happy company got on a helicopter and flew away into the sunset singing savage Garden tunes together.
Who won the eating contest? Who will be sentenced to death? Who are these seishi and what will they wish for when the summon Tama? Will Miaka and Tamahome break up and then get back together every day for the next six months like they have for the past twelve? You'll never know because this is the last chapter. SAYO!