One day Mulder went over to Scully's house. He was so excited because Scully was his favorite person in the whole wide world and he just wanted to be near her all day but he couldn't tell her because he was embarrassed. He walked up the path to her door and it was lined with pretty colorful rosebushes. Mulder thought that they looked so spectacular with her pink and white siding.

He was really excited when he got to the door. He pressed the bell and it played the song "Mmm Bop". That was always Scully's favorite. She thought that the Hanson boys were so cute, even if she was twice their age and the rest of the world thought they looked like girls. Then Mulder started to worry.

"Oh my gosh diddly osh!" He screamed out loud. He screamed so loud that the neighbors heard and got mad but they didn't say anything because they thought that he was all mean inside because he was a G-Man, but he was really as sweet as puppy chow on the inside, "Oh my goshy washy!" he repeated again, "What if Scully likes girls!?" he was so scared that he didn't know what to do. He really hoped that Scully didn't like girls because that would be yucky and she wouldn't like him. He stopped worrying once Scully opened the door because she was so pretty and just looking at her made him feel better.

"Oh Scully," he said, although his voice was high and squeaky like a twelve year old boy because she always made him feel like a twelve year old boy but he wasn't because that would be illegal and she always made him there were kittens playing with balls of yarn in his stomach, "I thought it would be a lovely day for tea. It's so nice out," he said as a bird chirped in a tree and fell to the ground dead because he was so jealous. Mulder and Scully didn't notice because they were so happy to be together.

Scully's eyes got really big because she was so very extremely excited. She had been playing tea party with her stuffed animals all day and she had been longing for someone to talk to because she was afraid that some of her guests were going insane. Scully only knew one person in her life that went insane and that was her imaginary friend "Crazy Mary." Scully was so glad that Mulder was there so that she could talk to him. She was sure that they would have a joyously and pleasurably gay time.

"Mulder, I would be delighted for you to come in for tea. I prepared it from my own botanical blends. I hope you like it," her smile filled his insides with sunshine. It felt like there was so much sunshine in him that it would come out of his eyes and ears and blind her, but it didn't and he was glad.

She let him in her pretty pink and white house and closed the door. A happy little bird chirped in its cage as Mulder walked in. He was so happy and he was glad the bird was too. Mulder thought the bird should be happy though. He would be happy to if he lived with Scully. Then he wondered if the bird had seen Scully naked. He should have been jealous, but he wasn't because that would be wrong and he respected Scully and didn't care if he ever saw Scully naked because he loved her so much. He just thought the bird was a pervert now.

Scully sat down on a pillow by the pretty coffee table in the middle of the room with her stuffed animals. Mulder joined her at the opposite end on the other pink satan pillow.

Scully smiled at him. She prayed to doG that Mulder and Mr. Happy, her favorite teddy bear, would become fast friends. She picked up the pretty pink ceramic tea pot and poured Mulder a cup of tee. She was so nervous that she spilled some on his hand and burned it off. It burnt like acid and Mulder screamed and yelled some really bad words that Scully had never heard before but she still knew that they were bad.

Well, that's what would've happened if it had been burning hot tea, but it wasn't. It was water because Scully wasn't allowed to use the stove yet because her mommy said so.

Mulder laughed and laughed because he thought that the cool water felt good against his warm skin, but he secretly wished that it was leftover spit from Scully's kiss instead of water.

Mulder took a sip of his tea that was really water, but spit it out because it wasn't water at all—because it was really mud. Scully just remembered that she had to use mud because she forgot to pay her water bill.

But Mulder didn't mind because he thought that Scully was the prettiest girl that he had ever seen. He wanted to kiss her real bad but then he remembered that girls had cooties and if he kissed her all of the other boys at the FBI place would make fun of him because girls were yucky so he didn't kiss her after all. He just sat there and stared at the pretty necklace she wore.

Scully was thinking differently though. She spent her whole entire life in an all girls' school and she was filled with so much sexual frustration that it was oozing at of her eyes and nose. She was glad that it was just a figure of speech, because she would be really embarrassed if sexual frustration was really dripping out of her nose because that would be really messy and Mulder might not like her then. She wondered what color sexual frustration was, and she hoped that it was pink because she wanted to ki** Mulder on her pink carpet. She knocked the table over and pounced on Mulder and pinned him to the floor. They did some naughty things like hug***g and kiss**g. After about ten minutes they had a baby.

Scully thought they should name her Spritzy "Wham Bam" Mulder. So they did. Spritzy "Wham Bam" was so smart that she went into honors kindergarten the next day.

Scully was really scared because Mommy Scully told her that if she kissed boys before she was married she would burn in the Bad Place where people burned. She didn't know what to do so she married him and became Scully "Wham Bam" Mulder.

Mulder was so excited that he danced around the house like a mental person with a seizure until he knocked Scully into the ground with him. He looked at her and then remembered that they were married so it didn't matter if they did the "k" thing or the "h" thing. They k-ed for so long they had another baby. They didn't know what to do because they couldn't think of any other names besides Spritzy "Wham Bam" Mulder. So Scully looked at Mulder and he giggled becuase he remembered the day that they k-ed in the FBI place and Krychek found them and told the Big Man, "Mr. Mulder and Miss Scully were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me." The Big Man laughed too.

Then Scully thought of a name. They would name him Kibbles "Start Your Day the Richy Rich Way with Kibbles" Mulder. Mulder thought that it was the prettiest name that he had ever heard in his entire life and he was glad that he was married to someone as smart as Scully.

But the next day their babies went to college because they were so smart. Mulder danced around the house singing "Spritzy "Wham Bam" and Kibbles "Start Your Day the Richy Rich Way with Kibbles" are so smart! Spritzy "Wham Bam" and Kibbles "Start Your Day the Richy Rich Way with Kibbles" are so smart! S-M-R-T! S-M-R-T!"

Scully was proud that Mulder and their children were so smart.

Mulder was so happy that he wanted to have another baby but Scully wouldn't let him because she didn't want people to think that she was a cheap whore. But Scully still had so much sexual frustration that it was hard for her to not ki** Mulder, so she went to her desky to draw a daisy. She colored it red. But then Mulder came over and said that red daisies were biogenetically impossible because the "dooly-bob didn't have the information to produce the red thingy". Scully thought that's what he said, but he really said that they were biogenetically impossible because there was no information written in the nucleic acid to give daisies a red hue. But she didn't hear him because all she could think about was kiss**g him.

It made her want to kiss him even more because he was so smart. But she didn't. Instead she told Mulder that they were getting a divorce because he was too gosh darn diddly diddly sexy. He was happy that she used two diddlys instead of one, but he was sad that she wanted a divorce and his heart broke into a billion million tiny thousand peices, but he didn't say anything because he wanted to look tough in front of Scully. He just left her house but he was mad at her because she was being a fickle female dog because they were only married for thirty minutes.

@~~~{~~~~}~~~~

When Mulder walked out of Scully's house, Scully felt like he walked out of her heart and was swimming in her bloodstream through the aorta and down through all the little arteries and capillaries to all the parts of her body. He was kind of like doG, Scully thought, because he was everywhere, yet he was nowhere. But Scully always knew that Mulder was like doG, because sometimes she felt like she loved him so much that he really was doG.

She hoped that someday, somehow, Mulder would return to her heart again via her vena cava. But then he wouldn't be the save because all of the cells in her body would derive oxygen from him and he would return to her the same, but de-oxygenated. It would be like a star winked out of his constellation. Could she still love him even if he was deprived of oxygen?

She thought and thought and thought, and then she finally realized that it wouldn't matter because when he returned to her right ventricle her heart would re-oxygenate him again. So in the end he would give her his oxygen so that she could like and her cells wouldn't die, and in return she would re-oxygenate him. It was like something out of a romance novel but not quite so dirty because Scully didn't like dirty stuff. But then she wondered if it would be dirty because of all the blood. She thought and thought and thought, and then she remembered that it couldn't be dirty because her body was more than seventy-percent water and the water would wash away all the dirt anyways. Just the thought of washing the dirt off of a de-oxygenated Mulder made Scully want to ki** him. But she couldn't because he was in her blood stream. But then she thought that he could be the blood in her lips, so it would be like he was kissing her all the time. And then she thought that he could also be the blood in her "special place" and that would be naughty. But then she remembered that he was everywhere yet he was nowhere. Then she got confused.

After she forgot about what she was confused about she remembered that he didn't really walk out of her heart, because deep down he would never leave her. It was so deep it seemed like he was plugged between her tri-cuspid. Or maybe it was her bi-cuspid. It could even be her mitral and her pulmonic. She didn't know heart valves. Then she wondered if he fell apart when she divorced her and he was really plugged between all of the valves in her heart. But then her heart would be unable to pump blood throughout her body and she would be dead. But how did she know that her heart was really pumping blood in the first place? She couldn't feel it. Maybe she was already dead. Or maybe she was never alive in the first place!

She felt like she was dying on the inside and then she hoped that all of her organs were okay because she wanted to look pretty on the inside for Mulder because that's what her mommy always said mattered.

Then she remembered that she was thinking about Mulder being deep down inside her heart and how he would never leave her, at least not all the way.

"Maybe Mulder is still really in my heart, like two fifths of him is in there!" Scully was so happy she shivered at the revelation. Then she wondered how he would stay alive if two fifths of his body was gone. She thought that the part of his brain would live, but then she wondered if he would die of blood loss. Then she remembered that he was in her bloodstream so it didn't matter. She thought that it would be safe to assume that the part of his brain would be the largest, and she thought that maybe the largest part would leave her because he looked pretty mad. She knew that all marriages lost their spark, but not in thirty minutes! So if the larger half left, that was like divorce, but if the smaller half did that was only loosing the spark.

Then she thought that the smaller part of his body would die without the brain, and if part of him died in her heart, that would be the worstest feeling in the whole entire world!

Scully thought that he would look pretty funny with two fifths of his body missing and then she thought of Krychek.

Then Scully wondered if she hurt Mulder by divorcing him and if he thought that she had walked out of his heart and into his bloodstream too. But she wasn't in his bloodstream. She didn't know much about metaphysics, but how could she really be sure that she wasn't really in his bloodstream and she was just dreaming because the plasma in his blood was getting her high? Or maybe she was in a simulated dream world created by aliens. How did she know that she really existed? What if Mulder didn't really exist? What if he was really her cousin? Scully decided it wouldn't matter if he was her cousin because he was still really hot.

Scully thought that maybe she was just a big brain in a scientist's labratory. She wondered if it was a random firing of neurons that was inducing a dreamlike state. Then she remembered that this whole thing started with Mulder being in her bloodstream and walking out of her heart. She thought about the same things for about an hour until she got confused and decided to have some snack-ums.

Snack-ums were her favorite snack. They tasted like giant fruit loops in a giant pringles can. But she didn't know what the can tasted like because she didn't eat the can. Only the fruity loopy stuff. Scully thought they looked like food from Chernobyl but then she remembered that snack-ums were invented after the Chernobyl incident.

Scully was happy that she had work tomorrow and that she would be able to see Mulder again. She hoped that Mulder would forgive her because she loved him so much and she wanted to die without him. The pain in her heart hurt so much that she wanted to scream. Scully wondered if we would still cut trees down even if they could scream.

"We might," she thought, "if they screamed a lot and for no good reason."

Then she remembered that trees didn't have moths so they couldn't scream even if they wanted to.

After Scully was done eating her snack-ums, she turned on the bed and crawled into the light. She was so excited about going to work tomorrow so that she could see Mulder. She hugged her favorite teddy bear Mr. Happy to her chest, which was close to her. She loved the feel of his soft brown fur against her cream-like cheek. But most of all she loved telling secrets to him at night. They were usually about Mulder.

"Mr. Happy, I did a horribly borribly terrible thing today! I divorced Mulder! I just want him to know that I love him and that I would never do anything in the whole wide world to hurt him!"

She cried and cried because Mr. Happy was only a bear and he couldn't do anything but sit there and look happy but Scully didn't expect him to do anything because he was only a bear. Scully cried so hard and so long that tears flowed down her cheeks like two gushing rivers but then she realized that they wouldn't really be like rivers because her tears were salty, so in a way, that would make them more like oceans. But they would be more like oceans without jellyfish because jellyfish aren't stored in tear ducts. But then Scully remembered that oceans weren't stored in tear ducts either and then she got confused. After she thought about the same things for hours and hours, she got tired and decided to go to sleep.

She dreamed about Mulder. She had a dream that she was a pretty pretty princess and Mulder was her prince and they danced and danced and danced like the happy people at the end of Beauty and the Beast. But then Scully felt bad because sh didn't really think that Mulder was a beast at all. Then she was glad that Mulder couldn't see her dreams because she thought that he might cry if she thought he was a beast. Then she remembered that the beast turned into a pretty pretty prince at the end, so all in all, the factors just cancelled themselves out, really. Then Scully woke up. She went into her living room because she was one of those weird people that wander around the house at odd hours in the night because there is going to be a plot twist. And, sure enough, there was a plot twist.

Then she was interrupted from her random thoughts because the phone rang. Scully wondered what made phones ring, and who decided that they would ring. Was it doG? Myabe it was—

"Could we please get on with the plot?" the author asked, breaking Scully from her thoughts.

"...There's a plot?"

There may not have been a plot, but there was a long pause.

"Just do what I tell you to do!"

She was about to think more non-senseical things about phones and what not, but Rachel wouldn't let her because she wanted to get to the point.

Scully picked up the phone.

"Hello?" she asked into the phone.

"Hi."

It was Mulder! It was really Mulder! She wanted to gush all her feelings out onto the phone but she was worried that it might cause the phone to short circuit. So she didn't.

"I just wanted to call to say that I'm...sorry," Mulder said into the phone because he wasn't there face to face with her.

Scully was so happy that she wanted to cry. Maybe things wouldn't be so bad with Mulder after all! She was amazed that her vena cava could pump blood so fast! But she still wondered if he was split up or not...

"Yeah, I'm sorry—SORRY YOUR NOT DEAD!" he snickered a while and she heard his buddies Skin man and Krychick laughing in the background and giving each other high fives. Then there was a click and Scully was confused.

"Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder? Mulder?" she called his name about a hundred times and then she realized that he had hung up.

Then the phone rang again. Scully would be mad, but Scully didn't realize that it was just Mulder calling again to torment her and to look cool in front of his friends but he really didn't.

"Hello?"

"Hey baby, when the phone ain't ringing, that's me not calling!" Mulder said as she heard more laughs explode in the background and almost explode through the phone but they didn't because it was only figurative speech.

"Oh, burn! Burn!" she heard in the background along with, "Score!"

She didn't know that they were making fun of her so she hung the phone up and wondered why Mulder would use such terrible grammar. How could he do such a thing? She wanted to cry because he obviously didn't remember his fifth grade English teachers very well. Then the phone rang again and Scully picked it up because she was as naive as a poor little puppy dog that had got kicked a lot but was too stupid to not get kicked again. Except she didn't make yelping noises, but she should have because that would be funny.

"Sure, fine, whatever," Scully said as she slammed up the phone on Mulder. Who was he to tell her what she could and couldn't do? For five years she risked her gluteus maximus to cover his, with not a word of thanks. Just more of the same. Memememememe.

Suddenly the phone rang again. Quickly she answered it, secretly hoping it was Mulder with an apology. That maybe her coolness had plunged some sort of spring of humanity buried within his confused soul. What she got was much better.

"Hello? Dana Scully?"

"Yes, this is Scully.... who IS this?" she snapped.

"You probably don't remember me ... but this is Eugene Toombs," the other voice said cautiously.

"Eugene?! Hi! How are you?"

"Oh, I'm much better now. I was a little screwed up there for a while, with the liver-eating business, but I found a great therapist and I think I'm doing much better....".

"That's great, Eugene, glad to hear it ..."

They talked for a while, catching up on old times and making not a few Silence of the Lambs jokes about themselves. Finally Scully prompted Toombs, "So, Eugene ... any special reason for calling?"

"Well..." He stopped, hesitant. Gathering the courage of a once-sociopath he ventured forth: "I was wondering if we could get together some time...maybe have dinner? Uh...tomorrow is Valentine's Day..." On the other end of the phone he flushed blood-red. "What an gluteus maximus!" he thought, and waited for the inevitable let-down.

Shocking him, Scully responded quickly, "Why Eugene...I'd love to!"

There was a moment of silence on the line while Eugene picked himself back off the floor and both of them wondered if they were dreaming. "You ... really? Wow! That's great! And it doesn't bother you that I'm a homicidal maniac twisted up version of humanity?"

"No!", Scully laughed cheerfully. "You forget! I work with Fox Mulder!" And they both laughed and eventually said their goodbyes waiting for tomorrow to come.

The next night Eugene showed up eerily on schedule. Scully was just toweling off when he oozed through the grate above the towel rack. Reflexively she drew the towel around herself, as she watched his elongated fingers slip through the metal slats. An alien shiver warmed her spine as she admired his...agility.

Luminescent green eyes approved her body, her short but lean legs, her tiny hips and round breasts. Or at least, what he could see of all of the above through the towel. She flushed and grinned, throwing a washcloth at him playfully.

"Stop scaring me like that!" she admonished, still playful, and shooed him out of the bathroom while she finished getting dressed. Eugene drifted into the kitchen and checked out the fridge.

Awe filled him when he saw her finally emerge from the bedroom: A rose in full bloom, a butterfly breaking from a cocoon.

"Dana...you look mahvellous," he quipped and they both laughed. Dana noticed that he was busily gorging himself on a plate of raw giblets she had been saving for soup, the blood still fresh on his chin. She felt a sudden pang of understanding for this man--this lonely creature. She felt that she could relate to him so completely, as if they were soul mates. Well, part of her did. Part of her thought about Mulder would have an apoplectic seizure if he could see her now and that really set her on her course.

@~~~{~~~~}~~~~

"You must understand

Though the touch of your hand

Makes my pulse react

That it's only the thrill

A boy meeting girl

Opposites attract

It's physical

Only logical

You must try to ignore

That it means more than that."

@~~~{~~~~}~~~~

The swayed together in the bar, Scully's face pressed close to the clamminess of Eugene's skin. Her sweater felt warm and damp, tight between their chests. As the song ended they swept each other into the waiting booth, drunk with the thrill of their illicit togetherness. Eugene took Scully's hand, admiring each tiny knuckle as she inhaled sharply. Without warning he raised her hand up and drew her middle finger into his mouth.

"That reminds me of a story!" Scully gushed, and ordered another tequila shooter while Sister Act II played on the big screen in the background.

@~~~{~~~~}~~~~

"Oh what's love got to do

Got to do with it?

What's love but a second-hand emotion?

What's love got to do

Got to do with it?

Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?"

@~~~{~~~~}~~~~

"Where did you get it?" Scully asked, curiosity tinged with admiration, as she fondled the ink imbedded in his arm.

"Oh, it was back in the Navy...WWII. My sub mates and I were drunk on shore leave one night. It's a monument to my foolish youth, which is of course, eternal", he shrugged, bashfully.

"Did it hurt?" she asked softly.

"Nah, not really. Booze is the greatest pain-killer, you know."

She laughed at him. His smile turned boyish, a lock of hair fell into his yellow-green eyes and she felt a pang. Youth, she thought. Live it while you can. And then she and Eugene were outside in the night, where the neon lights make everyone look a little less human.

EZ Eddie's Tattoo Parlor was just two blocks away.

"Pick one." Eugene was whispering in her ear now, his breath hot against her cheek. She felt herself swooning into a place where nobody cares if tomorrow ever comes. Felt herself being drawn into a realm of darkness where there was not, had never been a Fox Mulder. A place where you can go back in time and rewrite the future. She chose an image of a small red fox, and she asked the tattoo artist to put a big old "X" right through its little face. Later she would realize that she forgot to ask whether or not the tattooist used only sterilized needles. She would consider that her most daring omission of all, except for when she was waiting for the HIV and Hepatitis tests to come back. But for now, she was draped over a cool metal chair while Eugene's desire filled the room and each tiny hot prick of the needle erased a cold regret.

@~~~{~~~~}~~~~

"It may seem to you

That I'm acting confused

When you're close to me

If I tend to look dazed

I read it someplace

I've got cause to be

Well there's a name for it

There's a phrase that fits

But whatever the reason

You do it for me."

@~~~{~~~~}~~~~

Now she has gone farther than she has ever gone before. They are back at Eugene's abandoned warehouse and he is behind her, urging her up the small runged ladder before them. It is dark, and the air is stale flavored with a hint of something more sinister. They arrive in the loft landing with only a trickle of light playing against the dirty floor. He reaches for her, he stretches himself toward her from about ten feet away and wraps himself around her. He is hungry, but so is she. He pulls her sweater off over her head, tousling her hair and then they both fall into his newspaper-lined rat's nest.

"Happy Valentine's Day," he murmurs. He begins to lick her.

@~~~{~~~~}~~~~

Scully awakes to brilliant daylight. For a moment she is invaded by the memory of a dream that...but she is home, in her own bed. Slipping her feet to the floor, she realizes she is wearing a man's khaki colored work shirt. She advances to the mirror and turns so she can see the sleeve. "Eugene," the embroidered name tag says. And it is filled with the smell of furnace oil. The doorbell rings and she pulls on her pantyhose and rushes to the door, hoping for answers.

Mulder. She moves to slam the door in his face but he slams back harder and it smashes against the wall behind, denting the plaster. "What the funk are you doing?!" She retreats into the living room, never taking her eyes off him.

"I called you, eighteen times last night!" His eyes scan the room and land on her cell phone, forgotten on the coffee table. He picks it up and throws it at her after reading the digital window. "Message! Message!" he shrieks, really beside himself now.

"Dana?" the voice comes from the doorway, tentative. "Is everything okay?"

Eugene is there and he has bagels, cream cheese and lox. He holds a dead salmon in one hand and a Starbucks bag in the other. "Dana...I..." and he sees Mulder and freezes. Mulder's face explodes at the sight of him and he has dropped and picked his gun up twice by the time Toombs disappears from sight.

@~~~{~~~~}~~~~

"I've been taking on a new direction

and I have to say

I've been thinking about my own protection

It scares me to feel this way

What's love got to do

got to do with it?

Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?"

@~~~{~~~~}~~~~

Scully is dressed sharply in one of her old suits, the ones that meant business before she ever did. She stands by the desk while Mulder stares at a pencil and wonders how much it meant to the office ecosystem.

"And another thing ..." he continues. He's been ranting for two hours now. "I'm never letting you out of my sight again. Who knows what could happen to a beautiful woman in a world full of monsters? Did you ever think of that, Scully? Did you ever think at all?" He throws it up furiously and she levels herself at him: "I have needs, Mulder. I get hungry sometimes. And sometimes, I want to shed my skin."

Mulder stared at her.

Scully wanted to tell him that she only did it to make him jealous but she couldn't because she was too shy. Mulder stormed out of the room because he wanted to go cry but he couldn't tell Scully so when he left Scully cried too. She cried and cried until it was time for her to go home. Then she got in the Scully-mobile and drove away.