Episode One: Bob Hope
"Ladies and Gentlemen, it's the Eric Andre Show!"
Eric Andre, a slim beautiful black male, runs out onto the set. A cheetah runs after him. Eric picks up a baseball bat from behind the desk and begins to beat the cheetah with the bat. It is not fazed. It keeps going.
The band keeps playing. They are doing a great job.
Stage hands come on from the back. A stage hand has a machine gun turret, and he kills the cheetah with it. Eric then begins to skin the cheetah, and we see him put it on as a robe.
In the background, there is a television newscast warning people of a cheetah on the loose. No one pays attention to it, even one person whose hand has been bitten off, probably by the cheetah. The ghost of the cheetah begins to do its taxes in peace. This makes Eric very angry.
He begins to do some anger management training. He brings in a Harvard-educated anger management trainer. They sit down at a desk, and Eric learns several ways to manage his anger, but none of it works. Eric pulls out a sword and cuts off the man's head. It begins to bleed, spouting straight up into the air and onto the ceiling. Eric is tempted to drink the blood, but ultimately decides to drop kick the man's body. The dead man's shoes hit the producer in the face, , but he isn't too bothered by it.
Then a meteor hits the stage. It falls directly onto the desk, which burns to a crisp immediately. The band is still playing their song. They get hit by some debris, but not enough to make them stop or affect the quality of the music. The stage is on fire. Eric has fallen over. He gets up and begins to eat the
The music turns down and Eric moves to his desk. He is limping. He is tired, yet he is awake with the adrenaline of a man who could live the lives of six men.
Eric sits down at his desk. Hannibal, wearing a ghost costume, comes out. Eric stares at him. He is once again late for this show. Eric is thinking about firing him. Hannibal sits down and the chair makes a quacking noise.
Eric then stands up from his desk and with a loud roar yells out, "AND THE GUEST IS THE VERY FUNNY, THE VERY CRAZY, THE BARELY ALIVE, BOB HOPE!''
Bob Hope stumbles out from the back. Hannibal gets up from the chair and points it at, hoping that Bob Hope will sit in the same chair that he sat in.
"So Bob Hope, how are you?" Eric asks through giggles.
"I'm fine, are you okay?" Bob Hope asks Eric. Eric instantly becomes very stern-faced and does not respond.
John Mulaney comes out from the curtain and walks up to a mic. He is wearing a suit, and has a small cloth in his pocket.
"Thank you very much. Hello- hello? Are we still on?" he says, and looks to the side. "The way shows are being canceled, I may have to change my name to Robin Williams!"
This gets a big laugh. Bob Hope stares at John Mulaney. John Mulaney does not look at Bob Hope.
"Now, I thought about retiring this year. But Sinatra beat me to it. It would be too much to lose two sex sympbols in one year. Hey, how about all those shows being canceled on TV? In all, 34 shows were canceled. It was the worst thing to happen to TV since Gentle Ben ate his acting coach. And it was real sneaky how-"
"He's doing my act," Bob Hope says to Eric Andre.
"Don't interrupt the comedian,'' Eric says, shushing Bob Hope. John Mulaney continues doing the bit for another five minutes. Bob Hope begins texting his manager from his seat, but Eric Andre slaps the phone from his hands. Eric reminds him to focus on the comic and that it is rude to text during his set.
"Anyone here from Wisconsin, any cheesy people here? They were even picking mouse traps, Barry Hardy was very upset, it's one less plane he can leave Los Angeles on, boy do we really have a major that moves. You remember that earthquake, he jumped in a plane and said 'follow that city, thank you very much!'" John Mulaney takes his hands out of his suit pocket, and then does a little bow. Someone hands him a glass of water.
"Wow, that was amazing," Eric says, and John Mulaney walks off the stage.
The Asian chick from the band pipes up. "That was the best comedy performance I have seen since Louis CK," she says.
"You really let that boy take my jokes," Bob says to Eric.
"Well maybe you just need to be more original with your material," Eric suggests.
Then a trap door swings open. Hannibal Burress steps out to stand next to Bob Hope's chair. Bob Hope stares at him.
"Hello," Hannibal says to Bob Hope. Bob Hope does not stop staring. "What?" Hannibal asks.
And then a screen card pops up. It says "We'll be back!" The show goes to a commercial break, or whatever it does. It's hard to pay attention when there are no Burger King commercials. I really hate McDonald's, and I wish that they didn't make us watch their ads. Arby's is okay though.
Eric Andre is taking the subway, being a decent and kind citizen on the MTA. He wants to go above and beyond, though, so he begins asking the other subway citizens if they want free dental work. He pulls out a dental drill and starts the motor. "Free dentistry! Free one man dentist!"
People shy away from Eric. This is very sad, as the state of dental care in New York City is extremely high - at least twenty dollars a month for dental insurance. That's the cost of two subscriptions to Netflix.
At the next stop, a homeless man gets on. Eric high fives him. "Hey, this is my dental hygienist!" Eric says to the other passengers. The homeless man takes his shirt off. There is a stirred shot across his chest.
"No, no, no!" a woman riding the train says.
"What? Are you anti-dental health? Let me clean your teeth!" Eric yells at the woman while holding up the dental drill.
Back at the Eric Andre headquarters, Eric sits in his chair. "And we're back with Bob Hope!" A few flying squirrels are brought to the desk, but Eric Andre doesn't notice.
"Do you ever get teeth?" Eric asks Bob Hope.
"What? I have teeth," Bob says.
"Sure, you think you do."
Eric Andre waves his hand over his mouth, and all of a sudden, he does not have teeth. The show cuts to a commercial break.
When the commercial ends, Eric Andre introduces the next guest.
"Now, is everyone ready for our next guest?!" No one responded. No one at all responded. Eric cries a single tear and then says, "No one is ready for our next guest." He begins to slam his fists on the table. "NO ONE IS READY FOR OUR NEXT GUEST- Patsy Cline!"
Patsy Cline walks out. She looks confused and is holding a guitar. She tries to smile, but as soon as she does, she is splashed with green slime.
"So how are you?" Eric Andre asks. Patsy Cline is dripping with green goo.
Hannibal Buress comes over, puts a hand on Eric's shoulder, picks him up, and throws him at the ceiling. "This interview is over," Hannibal says to Patsy Cline.
"Oh thank god," she says, and walks off. She does not look back, even though she is losing a lot of slime.
Hannibal sits down at the desk, pulls out some dip from his pocket, and begins to dip at the desk. He spits on the floor. It smells terrible, but Hannibal looks hot doing it. He looks absolutely sexy when he puts the chew in his mouth and then spits it out. Most people in the audience have never seen a black person dip, so this is a new thing for television. Hopefully, the Eric Andre Show will win an Oscar for this.
(Of course, the Eric Andre show does not end up winning the Oscar. It isn't even nominated. This hurts the feelings of everyone who worked on the show. In the end, this tortured the entire production team. Some of the team says it doesn't matter and that they should be okay with the snub because the Oscars are stupid anyway. They did care. Others are more vocal about how they should have won. Hannibal eventually gets mad and tells everyone to shut up and stop talking about the Oscars, but that just makes the tension spill over. After a week of no one talking about anything, the intern punches the executive costume designer. Eric pulls a gun on one of the cameramen when they mention La La Land.)